Relationship Advice

18 Sep 2004

Idont even know first off why Im really posting asking for advice because inevitibly I will think it through myself and make my own desicion although it never harms tohave some pointers from others! confused

Ive been seeing my shagging partner for around 5-6 months now and as far as Im concerned we get on really well and havea good laugh together and also great sex. Now Ive come to a point though where Im beginning to have feelings for him surprised

Im not in love with him or anything well maybe in a way but not in the way where I want to go and settle down and all that shit because honeslty I really dont think Im the settling down type.
Ive never done the open relationship/shagging partner thing before and it really does seem to be working out really well from the point of view that he is honest with me and I know where I stand which is so much better than being lied to and messed around. I am also aware of the fact that he probably shags other people or has at some point shagged other people which being honest doesnt really bother me either??
Really what Im saying is that it all makes so much sense that Im now confused?? I think
Does that make any sense to anyone here??
I could go on with my relationship theories shpeel but Ill shut up for now!
"wanders aways still confused!???" rolleyes

18 Sep 2004

If it ain't broke don't fix it......if it works great and just keep on going. Feeling for someone is surely good and can only stimulate your relationship on a physical level even more.
Live for the day and stop worrying !!!

18 Sep 2004

Thats what I keep telling myself too haha
In a way I really dont want to get caught up too much emotionally but I suppose thats just something that happens?? Maybe Im just on another planet!! I have been feeling a bit hormonal the past few days and the cold knocked me for 6! Must still be a little delerious! rolleyes

18 Sep 2004

Fruity~
This could be total bollox, but I'd read a study some years back which concluded that some sort of biochemical reaction occurs in the brain with steady sexual partners. It's said to form a sort of psychological "attachment" between the participants, an instinctual response that forms the foundation of the "familial bond"...presumably in preparation for raising children as a family unit (even when this is not the intention).
I tried searching for this study on-line a few minutes ago, but came up blank. Has anyone else heard of this? And, if it's true, what impact - positive or negative - does it have on established "fuck buddies"? Would the bond formed between repeat sexual partners enhance the relationship? Or diminish it? This was discussed to some degree on Phil_osopher's polyamoury thread, and I've talked about it privately with other SH members without coming to a conclusion.
Personally, I think what you're experiencing could be a wonderful bonus in your relationship! You seem to already share the all-important qualities of honesty and comfort with each other...so, as long as the emerging feelings don't give way to things like jealousy or insecurity, I'd say you've got a good thing going!
~Reese! surprised

P.S. On a marginally-related note, Vix & I have our third date with a couple tonight! Vix was telling me how "third date" is seen as special, since it's typically when shagging comes into the equation. Didn't work that way for us, though, as we'd shagged 'em on the first! The second, bless, was totally intellectual, involving several hours of conversation around our kitchen table - Vix was feeling poorly - and a parting hug was as physical as we got that night. Who knows what the third might bring? Wish us luck!
P.P.S. Hmm...I wonder when the biochemistry kicks in?!

18 Sep 2004

I can`t have intellectual conversations with Mars right now. He`s regressed to grunts, and dragging me by the hair to bed :shock:
Fruity, I pretty much agree with what`s been said. Go with it, you are not demanding any great lifestyle changes, so no worries!
Reese, I`d try to help you out with that one, but my brain is mush this morning. Sounds interesting though.
Venusxxx

18 Sep 2004

Quote by Reese
Fruity~
This could be total bollox, but I'd read a study some years back which concluded that some sort of biochemical reaction occurs in the brain with steady sexual partners. It's said to form a sort of psychological "attachment" between the participants, an instinctual response that forms the foundation of the "familial bond"...presumably in preparation for raising children as a family unit (even when this is not the intention).
I tried searching for this study on-line a few minutes ago, but came up blank. Has anyone else heard of this? And, if it's true, what impact - positive or negative - does it have on established "fuck buddies"? Would the bond formed between repeat sexual partners enhance the relationship? Or diminish it? This was discussed to some degree on Phil_osopher's polyamoury thread, and I've talked about it privately with other SH members without coming to a conclusion.
Personally, I think what you're experiencing could be a wonderful bonus in your relationship! You seem to already share the all-important qualities of honesty and comfort with each other...so, as long as the emerging feelings don't give way to things like jealousy or insecurity, I'd say you've got a good thing going!
~Reese!
P.S. On a marginally-related note, Vix & I have our third date with a couple tonight! Vix was telling me how "third date" is seen as special, since it's typically when shagging comes into the equation. Didn't work that way for us, though, as we'd shagged 'em on the first! The second, bless, was totally intellectual, involving several hours of conversation around our kitchen table - Vix was feeling poorly - and a parting hug was as physical as we got that night. Who knows what the third might bring? Wish us luck!
P.P.S. Hmm...I wonder when the biochemistry kicks in?!

Ahhhhaaa I very interesting theory, when you refer tot he "familial bond" do you mean the kind of chemical reaction in the brain/body that apparently is a natural reproductive instinct for people to mate and leave (basically as they do in the animal kingdom!?)
If it is then I have heard of this too a few years ago I think, and Im sure it was on one of those the human body programmes on BBC1 which is very interesting especially when you look at it in terms of long term relationships and marriages and particularly when people are at a point when the kids have grown up and left the coop and also when the mans done the business and flown the coop (impregnated female, therefore job done so to speak!)
Maybe I got what youre saying wrong but it is an interesting theory and I think does have a lot to do with male/female hormones/natural instinct!! But then we as a human race (some of us) are more aware of our feelings and bodies and also more in tune with them.
I can tell you as I sit here right now that my hormones are playing havoc with my body and my brain and is definetly a chemical imbalance (can feel it right now!), although I have to say it was a much harder thing to deal with when I wasnt aw3are of what was happening. I would say its only been the past year or so ive become more aware of my body and can tell when its going awol and although I can t control it I can deal with it better and stay a little more logical than I could before.
And there I go again!! on and on and on and on!! did that make any sense??

18 Sep 2004

Quote by Reese
On a marginally-related note, Vix & I have our third date with a couple tonight! Vix was telling me how "third date" is seen as special, since it's typically when shagging comes into the equation.

Hun, I think I said something like "Typically, in the UK, women seem to accept the third date as 'the one' where they go for it" I have NEVER done this bizarre thing of making a potential partner pay for dinners, movies, whatever... let's be honest, if you wanna shag someone, you know right away, as a rule.
I guess I'm easy, but I tend to be a first night floozie.

18 Sep 2004

Quote by fruity1976
Ahhhhaaa I very interesting theory, when you refer tot he "familial bond" do you mean the kind of chemical reaction in the brain/body that apparently is a natural reproductive instinct for people to mate and leave (basically as they do in the animal kingdom!?)

It seemed as if they were concluding the opposite in the case of humans: That the more you shag a particular individual, the more "attached" you become to that person. It was in a program speaking about extramarital affairs, saying that, although the affair may start out as a purely sexual pursuit, that our biochemistry turns it into something more...thus wreaking havoc on the emotions. Seriously complicates matters in a society wherein even a hint of polyamoury is . Doesn't Mother Nature just have the most wonderful sense of humour?! :P

Quote by Vix
Hun, I think I said something like "Typically, in the UK, women seem to accept the third date as 'the one' where they go for it"

That's still far more liberal than anything I'd ever encountered in the 'States, where the dating ritual can extend for weeks or even months before the physical relationship progresses beyond anything more than snogging. And we all thought you Brits were sooo conservative. rolleyes

Quote by Vix
I guess I'm easy, but I tend to be a first night floozie.

Awww, but we respect you anyway! ;)
~Reese! :love:

18 Sep 2004

I think it depends on what you want to do. If your feelings say to you that you now want to become 'monogomous' then you've really got to think through whether that is what you want and then, if you're sure it's not going to frighten him/her away, then discuss it with your partner.
It could the start of something wonderful but it could be the end of something else equally wonderful.
Good luck!

18 Sep 2004

I think the ultimate factor here is that you're coming into this relationship and swinging from the opposite way of most folk. Most folk having a partner, and an established relationship, from where, they choose to expand the relationship to include others.
You wouldn't be human if you didn't develop feelings for a longer term partner, I'm not going to mention the word 'love' as this confuses the issue. You have feelings for this guy, and I expect it's mutual. You must enjoy him, hence the success so far.
Why not sit down and discuss the issues with him? you might find his concerns mirror yours.
Ultimately, I think most people need a measure of feeling 'special'. That is to say, above the others in a swinging relationship. For an established couple, it's the fact that they choose to go home with each other at the end of a night, or remain partners, because the relationship is farmore important than the sex (with others).
Maybe you just need a way of being marked as 'special' by him, in a way that is clear to yourself and others. So then he can play around with others people (as can you), but that you both know each other are higher priority every time. Would that help?
There is another (although maybe not a popular view amongst the readers). Maybe you're reaching the end of your need to see other people? Sometimes that happens, you fool around, have a great time, and lots of experiences. Then find a great guy that you don't want to setle down with forever, but you want to try new deeper experiences with.
Think of it like this... swinging can be like getting a breadth of experience with many people, but having something special with one person can be like getting a depth of experience. Some experiences need many people, others need more depth in one person. Maybe you're just ready to experiment in a bit of depth for a time?
Not sure I've given any answers, but hopefully given you something to consider.
/Kid

18 Sep 2004

My first reaction was ffs not another hormonal femail, then it clicked, then i remember a long time ago, think i was twenty one at the time, iwas seeing a girl casually and one day she turned around and mentioned marriage (Shittt my self ) so after getting up off the floor we discussed it and her words were " well arent people supposed to get married when they love each other" rather dazed and confused i asked her if she really loved me and the reply was" well we are shaggin eachother" more conversation ensued and the result was the red flag was flying that week she was feeling hormonal and thought it was love so, thought we should get married ........ Conclusion Hormones can be shitty things some times. hope it helps a little personally i'm still confused and No we didn't get married i just went and got blind drunk and didn't see her again Damm wasted a good pair of calvin klein's if i remember correctly

18 Sep 2004

Quote by jdms
My first reaction was ffs not another hormonal femail, then it clicked, then i remember a long time ago, think i was twenty one at the time, iwas seeing a girl casually and one day she turned around and mentioned marriage (Shittt my self ) so after getting up off the floor we discussed it and her words were " well arent people supposed to get married when they love each other" rather dazed and confused i asked her if she really loved me and the reply was" well we are shaggin eachother" more conversation ensued and the result was the red flag was flying that week she was feeling hormonal and thought it was love so, thought we should get married ........ Conclusion Hormones can be shitty things some times. hope it helps a little personally i'm still confused and No we didn't get married i just went and got blind drunk and didn't see her again Damm wasted a good pair of calvin klein's if i remember correctly

A few assumptions here - methinks!!!

18 Sep 2004

i think if your both good friends then why spoil it....by worrying you may both get to attached to you dont want it to happen it wont
be strong girl ..dont alloow your heart to influence your very sensible head
carry on shagging
and enjoying yourself
personally i wouldnt worry about the future
as me good mate doris says
what ever will be will be

18 Sep 2004

hehe cheers all biggrin

Not looking to settle down for definite maybe at times it sounds like a nice idea but in the long term Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!! Too complicated!!
We havent even had a threesome nevermind anything else so I think Im quite happy to keep going as we are for now!!
Think the hormones are a bit more in order now, nap must have helped!

18 Sep 2004

18 Sep 2004

Quote by Reese
This could be total bollox, but I'd read a study some years back which concluded that some sort of biochemical reaction occurs in the brain with steady sexual partners. It's said to form a sort of psychological "attachment" between the participants, an instinctual response that forms the foundation of the "familial bond"...presumably in preparation for raising children as a family unit (even when this is not the intention)!

Not Bollocks
Oxytocin: The Bridge Between Touch and Sex
Oxytocin makes us feel good about the person who causes the oxytocin to be released.
Touch causes our bodies to produce a hormone called oxytocin. Not only does touch stimulate production of oxytocin, but oxytocin promotes a desire to touch and be touched: it's a feedback loop that can have wonderful results. Oxytocin makes us feel good about the person who causes the oxytocin to be released, and it causes a bonding between the two persons. Nursing a baby produces oxytocin in both mother and child, and this is a major part of what initially bonds the mother and her baby. Even thinking of someone we love can stimulate this hormone; when women in good marriages were asked to think about their husbands, the level of oxytocin in their blood rose quickly.
There's more. Oxytocin plays a significant role in our sexuality too. Higher levels of oxytocin result in greater sexual receptivity, and because oxytocin increases testosterone production (which is responsible for sex drive in both men and women) sex drive can also increase. Moreover, this hormone does not just create a sexual desire in women, coupled with estrogen it creates a desire to be penetrated (that is, it makes her want intercourse). Oxytocin increases the sensitivity of the penis and the nipples, improves erections, and makes both orgasm and ejaculation stronger; it may even increase sperm counts. And while oxytocin can move us towards sex, sex increases production of oxytocin: nipple stimulation, genital stimulation, and intercourse all raise the level of oxytocin in men and women. Orgasm causes levels to spike even higher, three to five times normal, creating the "afterglow" closeness that is experienced following lovemaking. The fact that sex increases oxytocin levels can be helpful for women who complain they "never feel like sex." Having sex, even when you don't have a drive to do so, will actually affect you in ways that will result in a greater sex drive. This also explains, at least in part, why many women find that the more sex they have, the more they want, and the less sex they have, the less they want.
Oxytocin has a special relationship with estrogen ... women have much higher levels of estrogen than men. Of course no hormone acts independently. Hormones amplify or reduce each other's effects, and increase or decrease production of other hormones. Among other things, oxytocin increases the production of both estrogen and testosterone. Oxytocin has a special relationship with estrogen. Oxytocin is virtually powerless with out estrogen, and oxytocin's affects are increasingly powerful as estrogen levels rise. This explains why women are far more affected by touch than men. Women have much higher levels of estrogen than men. This also explains why women respond to the same touch differently at different times of the month. When her estrogen is high (ovulation) even a slight touch can have a strong affect; when estrogen is low (menstruation) it will take more touch to get less of a response.
Another interesting effect of oxytocin is that it decreases mental processes and impairs memory. This is why hugging and touching can help us recover from an argument. The oxytocin helps us to stop thinking about it, and even forget some of the pain we felt. While hugging may not be a natural response during conflict, it can quickly cool things off.
A woman who is not receiving enough touch ... can become strongly, even violently opposed to sexual touch. While most of us suffer from living in an anti-touch society, women tend feel more touch-starved than men, probably due to the fact that they have more estrogen. A woman who is not receiving enough touch becomes withdrawn and even depressed. In this condition a woman can become strongly, and even violently opposed to sexual touch. If the situation continues, she may become so withdrawn that she is no longer open to the very touch she needs.
So how do we touch more? Mostly we need to be aware of the need. We need to retrain ourselves and look for opportunities to touch. Even a gentle brief touch has an effect, and the more the better. Learn to walk hand-in-hand or arm-in-arm. When you go to church, or watch TV, or sit talking to friends, sit close enough to touch each other. When you're both reading find a way to be in contact with each other ... even sitting at opposite ends of the couch with your feet touching will work. When you are eating together play footsies. Rub each other's shoulders or feet, or give a long massage. Do anything which brings your body into contact with your spouse, and do it often.
Wibbly

18 Sep 2004

Nice one

Cheers for that, very interesting reading! smile

18 Sep 2004

Go with it Fruity, enjoy and have fun
biggrin

19 Sep 2004

Quote by WibblyWobbly
Not Bollocks
Oxytocin: The Bridge Between Touch and Sex

Wibbly~
It's nice to know I wasn't just imagining that one - thanks for finding & posting it! :thumbup:
~Reese! surprised

19 Sep 2004

Quote by fruity1976
Now Ive come to a point though where Im beginning to have feelings for him

Your choices are:-
cool

to carry on and be aware of those feelings and protect yourself to ensure your feeling dont develop any stronger,
Or
8-) end your partnership and find some-one new to have fun with.
It is sometimes hard to divide feelings for people and at the end of the day, you don't want to get hurt, so the choice is yours.