I am writing this as I am finding my relationship with my mother very hard. Our relationship has not been good for about six years and I am finding myself always trying to please her. I love her very much but I dont feel she feels the same about me. We had a falling out over her new husband who did something to me when I was 17 (no need to mention what). She only found out years later but I have always felt like the black sheep. We once went shopping together and enjoy each others company. We were very close and now we dont speak. Do I let her get one with it and waite untill she calls me me or do I carry on trying to get her affection? Is there any one who have had problems with their relationships with family? If so what is going on now with them? Sorry this is a long message but I really dont know what to do so your advice will be appresiated. Sorry about the spelling.
hi there,
im sorry to hear about what happened when u was 17, me and my mum have a lovely relationship she's my best friend, i too have kind of fell out with her before over mr bailiff as my farther thinks no-one is good enuf for his daughter!!!!!!
when we never spoke it was horrible spent my first christmas alone( just me and col) this year because they wasnt willing to accept him, this has hurt me and for that i will alwaya resent them,
The most important thing is that i have tried so hard to make everything at least civil but u can only do so much lthough this is different i think its a similar it was me from experience i wud just leave her to come to you altho it hurts alot,what can u do, is she stuburn?,well from what u've explained she is just tell her lies too short and that u are no longer chasing after her, she knows where u are if ever she needs u, thats all u can do really huni, but hey im only 19 im sure there is people out there with a better answer.
i hope things get sorted soon for you tho,
good luck lou xxxx
Thank you for that. My sister is still close to her which herts. I know this will sound funny but I bought her a tree last year for her birthday. I thought she could watch it grow and think of me and her grand children when she sees it. She moved in Feb and left it behind. She dident even give me her address or tel number. I miss her but I am fed up with trying to make her happy.
My family is like the mafia and my mother is like the godfather... I'm not kidding. I fly home to new york for more family events than anything else, and I've spent equal time there and here since moving over to Oxford.
My mom and I have a volatile relationship too, I am the baby of the family and everyone has a certain opinion of me that is unfounded and my Mom still resents me kinda for growing up as I was supposed to stay young and needy and live at home with her. But I love her and I want to please her too, it's what all kids do, except she makes my life miserable so often.
given the situation and that you want conact with her, is show her and yourself that you are making an effort to patch things up. Reach out to her. Don't let her abuse your affections however and if she isn't ready, let her know you want a relationship when she is, but start to realize that you are strong and that you've done what you can.
good luck
xxx
Thank you for your reply. Just do me a faver and enjoy your relationship with you parents as one day it could all change just like mine did. You can call her what ever you want as I do but that is just to relise the pain inside.
Bailiffs... your advice/suggestion sounds spot on to me.
A nice letter might do the trick:
Dear mum, I have done my best to come to you, I can do no more. When you are ready to see that I still love and value you, and our relationship, please know I will be ready to accept you back
Just a thought. Letters can't be interrupted..
Kit-Off I had a very similar experience although in a way a bit different. Basically there was an incident when I was about 14 with my mothers brother although its years later and Ive pretty much sorted things out in my own head now, things were very hard fror me for years.
Everything had already been brought out in the open and my gran (who i was very close to and was like a mother) still had her son(my mothers brother) in and out her house and the rest of the family were still in and out too and haveing contact with him while there. It was very hard to the point where I stopped contact on a few occasions not just with me but my daughter.
One day my gran had been babysitting my daughter while I was working and one day she pulled out pictures of HIM with my daughter!
Things were very very very strained for year and tbh I spent years thinking maybe it was somehow my fault and didnt have very much of a relationship with any of my family especially my mother.
Thing all came to a head just before my gran died when she finally chucked her son out which should have happened a long time ago, my realtionship with my mother improved after my gran died for some reason, maybe it was because finally all the dust that had been swept under the carpet finally came out that we were able to get on better.
When I was young my mother also done a lot of things which I had a chip on my shoulder about and in turn she also felt guilty about which I think was the thing that made us not get on.
Every situation is different but talking and getting things out in the open certainly helped usand now I have a better relationship than I ever did with my mother. I think her finally admitting what she done when she was younger and how she felt it had affected things and also my version too which made me feel like she couldnt have given a shit wether I was alive or not.
I wish I had all the answers, maybe it would have saved a lot of heartache in our family years ago, maybe you need to confront your mother with your feelings about what happened and let her know what you think of her and how it affected you.
May sound harsh but maybe her own guilt about what happened is eating at her and she cant handle that especially given what the situation was.
I hope that made sense and please feel free to PM me if you want to chat about it more.
OK.................. for what its worth !!
U will only ever have one Mum and Dad............... same as Sons or Daughters !!
Dont leave it until its too late.....................
Try everything you can to sort things out...... then u cant regret not trying when she is no longer here !
U only get one life.......... make it a nice one !
a.s.a.p i thought of doing a c.d for my mum n dad with songs on like
tell laura i love her------my real name being laura
mamma i love u
cheesy songs u know but my mums stereo wont play home done c.d's even tho it caost me £346 for xmas!!!!!!! arghhhh so much hurt n pain im going to get a boxing bag i think!!!!
louxxx
It's true what people are saying, you only have one mum and one dad, and you need to do you best with the time you have with each other to show that you love and care for one another. The mother My best friend since childhood passed away two months ago after a year-long battle with cancer. I went home to say goodbye before she passed and to be there for my friend. since her mother is one month younger than mine and since I spent half my time at their house, it was a really painful experience and made me realize the importance of family
but mothers and fathers are people with their own histories (often painful ones) weaknesses, strengths. I am sorry for all of you here who are suffering or who have suffered by the hand of their parents either physical abuse, mental abuse, rejection they are supposed to be the ones who love us no matter what. I agree everyone needs to try and make a good relationship with their parents, if they can and if they are willing to forgive them.
I think the letter is a wonderful idea. Tell her that despite all that has happened between you, you still want a relationship and you are willing to be there, like Vix said, give her the option to get in touch ( a cd is also a wonderful idea, along with a letter) but since she seeems til unwilling to work things thru right now, realize that you are still a loved and good person, that you love your mother deeply despite the rough past, and hopefully one day in time she will see that having a loving relationship with her daughter is more important than anything else.
I am rambling... PM if you like, but I'm sure you're getting tons and tons of support and advice
-ms ocky.
Thanks for your reply Ockysweeties. My fear is that something happens to her without a resalotion but I have spent 6 year trying to sort things out anly to find 6 months latter there is something else. She doesent even call me to tell me something is wrong. I hear it from someone else or she tells me when I call her. She has phoned me twice in two years and that was only asking me if I could do her a favor. My grandmar went into an old peoples hame after months of been in hospital but I dident know for three weeks after I found out from my sister. I am not trying to diss anyones advice but as this goes on I think of more things that has happened between us.
Tricky, tricky, tricky... On the one hand you do only have one mother - on the other you are an adult and deserved to be treated with respect. I can only echo most of the advice already posted here and add my one liner "When your children are older, how would you want this type of situation handled?" - Always got to try and break the cycle, not let it repeat itself... Not much use I know but good luck xxx
Firstly, I am very lucky and have a great relationship with my mum. We talk most days on the phone, go shopping together etc.
However, my best friend hasn't spoken to her mum for nearly 4 years and through no fault of her own.
Her mum has always "controlled" her family and my friend has never been able to have her own opinions and live her life her own way (even down to picking her own friends) without having her mum's approval.
If her mum caused an argument and hung up the phone on her, my friend would be the one who had to phone back and apologise to her mum! She would take the blame for everything because she didn't want to cause a fuss and lose her mother.
This all came to a head about 4 years ago when my friend had a stillborn baby. Her mother, instead of helping her through it, criticised and put blame on her husband (she had never liked him much). My friend took a stand and refused to talk to her mum until she apologised for what she had said.
Needless to say, this didn't happen and there has been no correspondence between them since. Her mother has never even seen her new grandchild.
I guess my point is that you can only do so much to try and make a relationship work with a member of your family and there will be a limit to how much heartache and knockbacks you can take.
Unfortunately, sometimes you have to walk away and rely on other family members and close friends who will be there for you. My friend, although she misses her mum dreadfully, also realises the new freedom and feeling of contentment she has from not having to constantly listen to insults and apologise for things she hasn't done.
Good Luck Kit Off
Fee
XX
Both myself & my brother were adopted at birth by my mum & dad.
I have never had (or feel) the need to find my biological birth mother & father because I consider my adopted family MY family.
I moved away from home when I joined the military & spent 12 years travelling the world.
During that time of frequent occasions I visited family & friends & everytime I went to my folks the atmosphere was strained (you could cut it with a knife).
Apparently years later I have found out that due to jealousy of my travelling I was considered as the black sheep of the family.
My dad is now well cool with my home life situation (single after 2 long term failed relationships), but my mum still runs hot & cold with me.
The only advice I can give is to keep trying, God forbid when they shuffle off this mortal coil you never make it up you can feel confident that at least you made the effort, whereas if you never did in the back of your mind you will always have the niggling doubt of what could have been if you only had tried.
The WHOOSH Manâ„¢
See I dont just talk about sex I do have feelings