i have lost count of the amount of people i have called a 'smeg head'
and 'stoke me a clipper I'll be back for xmas' is often my parting shot as i leave for work of a morning.
other faves are 'this time next year we'll be millionaires' 'look at what ya coulda won' and that all time classic which i still cry out when i encounter anything that causes me stress ' Mr Mannering Mr mannering'...... lol
Putting up a tent is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'... slip in to the old bag.
Washing a car is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.
Answering the phone is a little like making love to a beautiful woman. In that you've got to... lift the receiver, put it to your ear, speak ...loudly and clearly ... oh, yes - and don't forget to state your name.
And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You ... get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money
Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is ... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, brace yourself; hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.
Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir... gently and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk
Laying a carpet is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay
Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork
Of course, as you know, I'm a very keen fisherman myself. You know, I've often thought that going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear, particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.
swiss toni (the fast show)
I reckon as people is just like plants. You have to keep the population down, keep it manageable
-Len MacMonotony (stella street).
I never see the point of old people; they’re nearly fucking dead anyways.
Fish sticks are just the right size to stick up your fucking ass.
You tell that elephant John, you know if he sends any more Pringle pricks round here asking for fucking milk, he’s gonna end up in the elephant graveyard with a seven foot tusk up his fucking geek.
No you chin prick, go and stick a bacon sandwich up your arse.
Joe pesci (stella street).
Blackadder
I have a cunning plan.....
Dad's Army
We're doomed!
