You're not a script writer for Russ Abbott by any chance, are you?
russ abbot lol.....only he could have come up with a chacacter called 'See You Jimmy'.
Tommy Cooper rules OK!!
Guy goes to the doctor and says I have a cricket ball stuck up my arse.
Hows that says the doc?
Dont you start says the guy!!!!
Sorry, its better told verbally.
Blair; How do you know Iraq has weapons of mass destruction? Bush; We kept the receipts
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A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman sitting on a bar stool. He walks up behind her and says, "Hi there, how's it going?"
Having already had a few drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen! I'll screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter."
He says, "No kidding, I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?
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Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside them is color-coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon, Dr. Morris Fishbein, shuts them all up when he observes: "The French are the easiest to operate on. There are no guts, no heart, no balls and no spine. Plus the head and ass are interchangeable."
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The Iraqi Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush.
They shook hands and as they walked the Iraqi said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."
President Bush said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will."
The Iraqi whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and Sulu who is Chinese, but no
Iraqis.
My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iraqis on Star Trek."
President Bush laughed, leaned toward the Iraqi Ambassador, and whispered back, "It's because it takes place in the future . . . ."
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Q. What is the Taliban's national bird?
A. Duck!
George W. Bush and John Major were walking along a beach, discussing the war in Afghanistan when all of a sudden George tripped over a magic lamp. As George wiped the sand from the lamp, a genie appeared saying, "You have released me from this lamp, so I have three wishes to bestow! One to each of you, but the third and final wish must go to your greatest enemy, Osama Bin Laden. Now, who would like to go first?" John Major stepped forth and said, "I would like my wish to go for world peace." The genie snapped his fingers and said, "It is done! Now, I must give you great enemy his allotted wish." With a snap of his fingers, the genie made Osama Bin Laden appear right there on the beach. The genie explained the situation to Bin Laden and then asked, "So, what will your wish be?" After very little thought, Bin Laden said, "I would like a wall a thousand feet tall, made of reinforced solid steel to surround all of Afghanistan. That way all foreigners will be kept out and the Taliban will be able to live as we want!" The genie snapped his fingers and said, "It is done!" The genie snapped his fingers again and Bin Laden disappeared, going back to Afghanistan. The genie then turned toward George W. Bush. "Well, Mister President, what will your wish be?" George scratched his head, thought about it and then asked the genie, "Ok, let me find out about this wall. It's a thousand feet tall?" The genie nodded. "It's made out of reinforced solid steel?" Again the genie nodded. "And it completely surrounds Afghanistan?" The genie replied, "That is all correct. So what would you like?" George calmly answered, "Fill it with water!"
thnx tanglewood i liked them too!!!!!!!!
lou xxx
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband would insist on shutting off the lights.
After 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a marital sex aid! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic.
"You son of a ...," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You'd better be able to explain yourself!"
The husband looked her straight in the eyes and said calmly, "I'll explain the toy... you explain the kids."
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barry the monkey used to drink at this bar. One night he got into a brawl which resulted in his untimely death and the loss of his tail. The barman hung the tail behind the bar.
two days later just after midnight, Barry's ghost walks into the bar and points to the tail hanging there.
The barman looks at him and says
I'm sorry, but we don't re-tail spirits after 12
I was asked to run a marathon the other day,I said no chance,then I was told it was for Spastics and Blind kids and I thought "fuck it ,I could win that".
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
For example, one evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me. " I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" What every boyfriend / husband on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man. " Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store.
I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, Let's go to the cashier". I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
"WHAT???!!!" then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not getting any tonight either.
@ Lou's jokes
