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sex and pain
Sex God
There is only one answer to that - and it is 'Yes'.
But society will try to tell you otherwise because it judges us all by average standards. No individuality allowed - don't ya know!!
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But society will try to tell you otherwise because it judges us all by average standards. No individuality allowed - don't ya know!!
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Sex God
You need to be very careful to distinguish between consensual sex with pain, and an abusive relationship.
The fact that someone is not able for whatever reason to leave the abuser does NOT make it consensual. In not leaving it is more to do with fear of the consequences, inability to believe their capable of managing, 'better the devil you know' and loads of other reasons. No victim enjoys an abusive relationship - by definition.
Sub/dom and relationships with pain are not defined as abusive although it can be hard to recognise the relationship dynamics first glance.
The fact that someone is not able for whatever reason to leave the abuser does NOT make it consensual. In not leaving it is more to do with fear of the consequences, inability to believe their capable of managing, 'better the devil you know' and loads of other reasons. No victim enjoys an abusive relationship - by definition.
Sub/dom and relationships with pain are not defined as abusive although it can be hard to recognise the relationship dynamics first glance.
Quote by foxylady2209
You need to be very careful to distinguish between consensual sex with pain, and an abusive relationship.
The fact that someone is not able for whatever reason to leave the abuser does NOT make it consensual. In not leaving it is more to do with fear of the consequences, inability to believe their capable of managing, 'better the devil you know' and loads of other reasons. No victim enjoys an abusive relationship - by definition.
Sub/dom and relationships with pain are not defined as abusive although it can be hard to recognise the relationship dynamics first glance.
This is what I was trying to say...
Sex God
Quote by foxylady2209
You need to be very careful to distinguish between consensual sex with pain, and an abusive relationship.
Yeah, absolutely.
In fact, not that I wish to belittle the seriousness of the second, I was looking forward to a thread about kinky sex :shock: People enjoying pain during play and those in abusive relationships are totally and utterly different.
But, to answer your question, I think it's complicated. Do they enjoy the abuse, or the relationship, or do they feel powerless to leave? I think each case is different.
Each to their own about sex and pain, personally not for me, I think the inflicting pain or receiving pain is all about 'control' or 'being controlled' - I don't do control.
As for an abusive relationship, I'm lucky I've never been in one, it would be easy for me to sit here and say "I'd be away" but I can't say that as I've never been in that situation. It must be really difficult if the woman or man is terrified or totally in love with the abuser.
As for an abusive relationship, I'm lucky I've never been in one, it would be easy for me to sit here and say "I'd be away" but I can't say that as I've never been in that situation. It must be really difficult if the woman or man is terrified or totally in love with the abuser.
IMO ......... the Dom/sub thing has absolutely nothing to do with abuse.
The sub isn't abused .......... she/he does what they do because they WANT to do it.
I am going to shut up now ....... but an abusive relationship is an abusive relationship and should not be considered the same as a Dom/sub relationship because the reality is that they are on totally different planets! :smug:
Sam xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
The sub isn't abused .......... she/he does what they do because they WANT to do it.
I am going to shut up now ....... but an abusive relationship is an abusive relationship and should not be considered the same as a Dom/sub relationship because the reality is that they are on totally different planets! :smug:
Sam xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Sex God
Quote by westerross
There is only one answer to that - and it is 'Yes'.
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sorry tune but I do need you to confirm what I think you are saying.......flowers question was 'do women(people) enjoy being in an abusive relationship?' and your answer is that they do...?
Sex God
I don't think that I could ever enjoy inflicting pain - nor would I like to have it inflicted on me.
Having said that, a little 'tie and tease' can be enormously erotic. It is all to do with context.
I would worry that a relationship that involved sex and pain might be abusive, but it really is 'each to their own'. I certainly wouldn't be judgemental about those who enjoy it - providing it really was by consent.
Will
Having said that, a little 'tie and tease' can be enormously erotic. It is all to do with context.
I would worry that a relationship that involved sex and pain might be abusive, but it really is 'each to their own'. I certainly wouldn't be judgemental about those who enjoy it - providing it really was by consent.
Will
Sex God
I am the product of an abusive relationship and I can catergorically state, my Mother did not enjoy the 20 odd years of abuse that she suffered.
The only person who got any kind of satisfaction out of that particular relationship was the abuser who was also a control freak.
S & M and abusive relationships are 2 entirely different things and anyone who thinks living within an abusive relationship is pleasurable should seriously think again.
The only person who got any kind of satisfaction out of that particular relationship was the abuser who was also a control freak.
S & M and abusive relationships are 2 entirely different things and anyone who thinks living within an abusive relationship is pleasurable should seriously think again.
Orgasminator
There is a MASSIVE difference between the two, in that in a true sub/dom relationship it is the SUB who is ultimately in control – they only have to say “stop” or use the safe word that means “stop” and it ends.
Of course this doesn’t apply in an abusive relationship because there IS no “safe word” and if there were, it would be ignored, and so the abuser ultimately has control.
Of course this doesn’t apply in an abusive relationship because there IS no “safe word” and if there were, it would be ignored, and so the abuser ultimately has control.
Master of Sex
you having a laugh?
the only difference is that the abuser has a willing victim. does that make it right ?
the only difference is that the abuser has a willing victim. does that make it right ?
Sex God
Quote by flower411
Over the years I`ve met all sorts of people who appear to enjoy their sex with a bit of added pain..
I have also been in situations where I have become very concerned about a persons safety in a relationship that seems to be abusive.
Is it possible that some people actually enjoy being on the abused end of an abusive relationship ?
IMO Possibly but i think enjoy is the wrong word, Ive experienced first hand domestic abuse and ended up living in a womens refuge, living there i met lots of different "victims".
Your question in bold made me think of a women who i had often thought thrived on the attention it was most definately abuse she didnt enjoy it - far from it - but the attention that came with the abuse she seemed to thrive on! not sure if that makes sense just my take on things
Its proberly a confidence thing, seeing people in a pit of dispair, at their wits end its never easy to walk away
Quote by flower411
Over the years I`ve met all sorts of people who appear to enjoy their sex with a bit of added pain..
I have also been in situations where I have become very concerned about a persons safety in a relationship that seems to be abusive.
Is it possible that some people actually enjoy being on the abused end of an abusive relationship ?
im not quite sure where the commection between domestic violance and kinky sex it??
Quote by annejohn
you having a laugh?
the only difference is that the abuser has a willing victim. does that make it right ?
i'd say that makes it right yes, its two consenting adult and in a dom/sub relationship the dom isn't really an abuser, in my opinion, its a life style choice that the BOTH of them has made and the 'willing victim' will know what kind of relationship they are getting into rather than starting of in a loving relationship where the abuser turns nasty after a while, as HJ said in the dom/sub situation they have safe words and the dom will respect that in the other situation the abuser, in many cases, will not stop the abuse till real damage, mentally and pysically, is done
Sex God
Quote by poshkate
There is only one answer to that - and it is 'Yes'.
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sorry tune but I do need you to confirm what I think you are saying.......flowers question was 'do women(people) enjoy being in an abusive relationship?' and your answer is that they do...?
You're quite right to pick me up because as others have pointed out there are two completely different things here. My 'Yes' was in reference to the SM aspect, in which there are consenting adults doing what they enjoy, but of which society seems to dispprove.
I was not suggesting that abused people enjoy being abused as it is vile situation to be in. Sorry that I wasn't clear.
By the way Flower did not single out women - he said people in his OP. It is not only women who can be abused. There are many forms of abuse and it is not always only physical.
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Sex God
Quote by Whipsnspurs
you having a laugh?
the only difference is that the abuser has a willing victim. does that make it right ?
not being funny but can you really not tell the difference between the two situations?
spurs and i have a fantastic equal relationship. neither of us has ever been violent to the other. if he ever hit me in an abusive way he knows dam well the he better not go to sleep while i'm still about! i would never do the same to him either.
however, when he started to ask me to scrape my nails down the inside of his thighs i did. it turned him on so it turned me on. this progressed to the point where now after a very steamy session over the weekend he now has very sore balls with scratch marks all over them! was it my choice as the dom that this happened? no it was his begging me to do it harder. he loves the fact that his boxers rub on his balls and he can still feel the soreness. that's part of the turn on for both of us. if i use a whip or anything else it's always to his levels and he's always in control of what i do.
my very best friend is a sub and has been covered in bruises after steamy sex (not with us) but again it's her who is really in control!
a victim in an abusive relationship has no control at all and i shouldn't think they gain anything from being physicaly or mentally abused other than the resulting bruises or broken bones.
a young couple moved in across the road from us and we could here him shouting at her even with our windows shut. this went on for a bit of time and i didn't know what to do. i don't sleep too much anyway but when i do i sleep light. i was disturbed one night by them and looked out of the window. i could see him smashing things in the garden. she ran to the next door neighbour and pounded on the door. unfortunately for here the lady there is a very deep sleeper and didn't hear her. he sreamed at her to get back in the house and she said she would if he stopped smahing her things.
the next day he bought her a kitten and a puppy. but a couple of weeks later i was diturbed by them again as he had her in the car speeding up and down the street and doing wheel spins at am. he put the car up the drive and went on to get out and sream at her to get the fuck out of the car. she dived out and ran for it to the house. i could see him through their front door at the botten of the stairs and hear him shouting at her to get out of the bath room or he would come and smash the door down. i wasn't sure what to do at this point so spoke to spurs about it. he wanted to go over but i said no. as i looked out of the window again i could see him still at the bottom of the stairs only this time he had something in his hand that to me flashed like a knife. at this point i phoned the police. they came out straight away and called the girls mum. when she turned up i heard her scream.
the police took him away and contacted me. they wanted to know if i would be a witness. i siad that i hadn't been sure whether i should have called them or not. he told me he couldn't go into details but could say that they were very glad that i called them when i did! i agreed to be a witness. spurs saw the girls mum and told her that it was me who had called the police and that i was being called as a witness. she told us that her daughter had been trying to call the police herself but couldn't. the guy had actually killed the puppy with the knife and had been trying to get in to the bathromm to her when the police turned up.
you want to say that what spurs and i do is on the same sort of level as domestic violence now?
whips
Boy am I glad I got my clarification in before this illuminating post.
:thumbup: for the example and,
:thumbup: for having the guts to stand up and be counted.
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Master of Sex
of course i can see why you think there`s a difference,but if you take this to the extreme ,if the willing victim gets seriously hurt,or even dies,as has happened with asphyxiation phantasies,i`m sure that the law would say it`s wrong. so its just a matter of degree.
try just being nice to each other lol
try just being nice to each other lol
No, I dont think anyone enjoys being abused against their will. Violence isnt acceptable in any shape or form in any relationship.
Yes, some people enjoy pain with sex but that can be anything from a quick spank to more extreme practices. If you are talking of sexual pain or pain given to heighten sexual excitement, then the pain is relative to that person. Everyone has a different pain threshold. It interests me that many people just focus on the element of pain in BDSM and not on the erotic, sensual, sexually fulfilling side of it. Interesting.
No one that I know or whom I have come into contact with has misused the trust placed in them as a Dom or Domme. Mutual respect plays a massive part in this type of scenario.
Dometic violence and sexual role play are worlds apart.
Yes, some people enjoy pain with sex but that can be anything from a quick spank to more extreme practices. If you are talking of sexual pain or pain given to heighten sexual excitement, then the pain is relative to that person. Everyone has a different pain threshold. It interests me that many people just focus on the element of pain in BDSM and not on the erotic, sensual, sexually fulfilling side of it. Interesting.
No one that I know or whom I have come into contact with has misused the trust placed in them as a Dom or Domme. Mutual respect plays a massive part in this type of scenario.
Dometic violence and sexual role play are worlds apart.
I met my first real sub experience about 15 years ago. She was undergoing a divorce, and had one child. She was experiencing a big sense of freedom and was prepared to do anything to renew her life.
I am not sure how it began but the sado masochist stuff came into the relationship along with visits to a variety of fetish clubs, and a lot of drink. A bit of spanking eventually turned into whippings which drew blood, tying up, and a lot of verbal stuff. Which she also joined in with, degrading herself in other ways.
Now whilst all this SM stuff was going on I was enjoying a heightened sexual experience, and she also found moments where she seemed to be enjoying herself; but she handled it more than enjoyed it. She probably just thought I was acting an idiot, and was prepared to go through this to win me. Many times I was surprised at how much she took and what we got into. Many times I ran out of ideas and imagination and worked myself to exhaustion. At those points she would laugh at me, smiling to herself at having defeated my passions.
Inevitably it dawned on me that I was just getting into ritual abuse and degradation. Having gone through all that, I just burned out with it all and we split up soon after.
I enjoyed going over the top and she simply proved that she could handle herself, but she did not actually say she liked it or wanted it to happen. So she could see the end of it all and let it run its course. She enjoyed my company in normal everyday things, but this side of our relationship was in the closet in many ways.
So I think that people can go very far with what they do with each other, and it may look like its out of control, but it may still be in their control in that they are still experiencing something but not exploiting it.
As for the puppy stabbing couple in whips and spurs story, I think they probably need supervision 24/7 and should not be allowed alcohol. For now they are just a public nuisance.
I am not sure how it began but the sado masochist stuff came into the relationship along with visits to a variety of fetish clubs, and a lot of drink. A bit of spanking eventually turned into whippings which drew blood, tying up, and a lot of verbal stuff. Which she also joined in with, degrading herself in other ways.
Now whilst all this SM stuff was going on I was enjoying a heightened sexual experience, and she also found moments where she seemed to be enjoying herself; but she handled it more than enjoyed it. She probably just thought I was acting an idiot, and was prepared to go through this to win me. Many times I was surprised at how much she took and what we got into. Many times I ran out of ideas and imagination and worked myself to exhaustion. At those points she would laugh at me, smiling to herself at having defeated my passions.
Inevitably it dawned on me that I was just getting into ritual abuse and degradation. Having gone through all that, I just burned out with it all and we split up soon after.
I enjoyed going over the top and she simply proved that she could handle herself, but she did not actually say she liked it or wanted it to happen. So she could see the end of it all and let it run its course. She enjoyed my company in normal everyday things, but this side of our relationship was in the closet in many ways.
So I think that people can go very far with what they do with each other, and it may look like its out of control, but it may still be in their control in that they are still experiencing something but not exploiting it.
As for the puppy stabbing couple in whips and spurs story, I think they probably need supervision 24/7 and should not be allowed alcohol. For now they are just a public nuisance.
