Hi....this is a REAL tricky one and not the sort of Q that can be answered in the short-form posts we use here!
I've been an active Dom for about 15 years now. I'm still learning. You'll see plenty of dos and don'ts for D/S encounters/relationships but, bottom line, it's about trust. Everything flows from that. The D/S encounter (and when I say encounter, it could be a relationship that lasts years) is based on a contract of understanding that can be literally defined in writing or discussed agreement...or it can be intuitively expressed and udnerstood....usually, it's somewhere between the two.
The worst Doms are those who continually have to ask what the sub wants - it's part of a Dom's skill to interpret and push the boundaries that have been initially set and to do so in a way that excites the sub and intensifies the experience (that frisson of danger that comes from edging closer to a cliff edge). It also "develops" the relationship and prevents staleness.
As for subs being in charge. Well. It's essentially true - the sub is usually the one who sets limits and, by strength of reaction (or apparent lack thereof) gives the Dom vital clues throughout the encounter about how well it's working. Most Doms get their greatest pleasure from "working" the sub and getting reaction, from pushing the envelope and creating a shared experience as the sub surrenders more and more of his/her willpower. Of course, this can only happen if the sub is willing to make that surrender so, by necessity, the sub controls the encounter, whether it be a single scene or a prolonged relationship. The Dom drives the process but the sub can apply the brakes and influense the direction....if this balance isn't established properly then the encounter either fails or descends into unsatisfactory abuse.
I'll shut up now..... :-)
well in my humble opinion and as a switch (someone who can be both Dom to a good sub and Sub to a good Dom)......
the sub is in control as it is their pleasure that is being catered for. When discussing things- however subtly or overtly this is done- it is the subs wishes and key words that are adhered to. The Dom is constantly checking the signs to ensure that the sub is in the "place" that has been agreed.
When playing regularly there is less discussion before hand as the Dom becomes attuned to the Sub's signals. The Dom is getting pleasure from knowing that they are sticking to what the sub wants. Clearly the Dom has input into the scene... but ultimately the Sub has the last say.
As a sub I can orgasm from being whipped, bitten, fucked hard, or gently stroked with a paintbrush or someones' hair being run gently over my breasts.... (right better stop there as I am getting a bit carried away) but they have to be done at the right time and at my pace.
As a Dom I can be asked to do things that do nothing for me as a sub... but watching the ecstasy that the sub gets from those acts is enough to take me to the edge.. but unless the sub has particularly said that they want me to come then I won't until afterwards.
now this is how I play...but I don't play like this all the time.. and I do have vanilla sex with people too... as a Dom I would never do to the sub what I wouldn't have done to me. and Vica versa. That maybe cos I am switch and others may not have this rule. but that is what works for me.
splendid
I'm not sure if this comes in the category of sub/dom but I like to switch roles throughout play.
Sometimes I like to be on top and in control. I like to control the pace, the actions and hopefully the timing of the orgasm(s) and the feeling of satisfaction I get knowing I've done things to make that him or her scream/ bite the pillow/ shudder to ecstacy is amazing.
On the other hand, there are times I like to be thrown onto the bed/ face against a wall (outdoors even better :twisted: ) or over the kitchen table, my pants ripped off and fucked to within an inch of my sanity and it is one of the most erotic things I've experienced :twisted:
I think the main points have been explained very well, I just wanted to add that I'm always learning how to be a better Domme. Nothing quite touches somebody giving you the gift of their total physical and mental submission and the complete trust it takes.
There is often the misconception that BDSM, D/s etc are only about pain, violence and control. Although pain etc can be part of a scene it's only a tiny facet of the techniques used to allow people to completely let go and hopefully feel exquisite sexual freedom whislt stimluating all the senses but especially the mind.
how does it work?
... very nicely thankyou.... :twisted:
lp
Wow.... :shock:
Watching with interest :twisted:
Sounds good so far......
id like to now your thoughts on being submissive/dominator. Im trying to understand it but there are so many conflicting views. Does that mean that personally you interpret and use it to however you want or is there like an unwritten code on how you should perform your duties as one or the other. 
