I wrote the following in response to a mail in another part of the forum but thought it might be a fun thread>
Maybe we should have a SHBFT, Swinging Heaven Males Basic Fitness test.
Could include
a maximum time to undress a, yourself b, a lady.
Undoing bras whilst blindfolded
Speed of changing Rabbit batteries whilst having a hard on
I,look forward to further additions to the SHMBFT.
Sgt B is your job to come up with the required timings, we officers like to come up with the stupid ideas and leave it down to you NCO's to come up with the practical detail
Maybe we should get the ladies section to write one for them too
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Swinging Heaven Males Basic Fitness test
Sex God
a maximum time to undress a, yourself
about 3 seconds. top, jeans, trainers, no socks or boxers, easy! :smug:
Undoing bras . . . .
that's me fucked then?
. . . whilst blindfolded
:shock: :shock: :shock:
bollox!
uummmmmmmmm ok never read that bit. best sit this one out then eh? :( :( :(
or . . .
any volunteers for practice sessions to get me in training?
n x x x ;)
Quote by neilinleeds
Undoing bras . . . .
that's me fucked then?
. . . whilst blindfolded
:shock: :shock: :shock:
bollox!
any volunteers for practice sessions to get me in training?
n x x x ;)
Was gonna offer as a volunteer for you to practice ... but erm ... took my bra off earlier ... sorry Neil :shock:
Cx
Sex God
Quote by neilinleeds
a maximum time to undress a, yourself
about 3 seconds. top, jeans, trainers, no socks or boxers, easy! :smug:
Undoing bras . . . .
that's me fucked then?
. . . whilst blindfolded
:shock: :shock: :shock:
bollox!
uummmmmmmmm ok never read that bit. best sit this one out then eh? :( :( :(
or . . .
any volunteers for practice sessions to get me in training?
n x x x ;)
Volunteers herself in a bra for training Neil
Quote by neilinleeds
Undoing bras . . . .
that's me fucked then?
. . . whilst blindfolded
:shock: :shock: :shock:
bollox!
. . .
;)
Maybe this will help with your training,1)put your arm round the back of your lover ,2)take hold of bra strap catch with hand with thumb and fore finger on the bra strap closest to you, 3)with your middlefinger flick past and push against the forefinger and thunb at the same time.(a bit like clicking your fingers.) you might want to employ the little finger and 4th finger in a pincer movement replace the middle finger. happy practicing.
I think there should be a 'womens orgasms' category - including:
Technique - fingers, tongues, cocks etc................
Skill - How adept you are at using the above to reach your target
Time taken to get her there
:twisted: I volunteer myself as tester and will give in depth judgements as soon as I can see straight again
Technique - fingers, tongues, cocks etc................
Skill - How adept you are at using the above to reach your target
Time taken to get her there
:twisted: I volunteer myself as tester and will give in depth judgements as soon as I can see straight again
Sex God
Time taken to undress one self - five seconds (Including socks and g-string underwear which was riding a little too high anyway). One minuteto undress a lady. I never like to rush these kind of things.
Time taken to undo a bra whilst blindfolded - I can do it left handed blindfolded in one motion so I would say aroundtwo seconds. I've not perfected the art of undoing them with my teeth yet.
Speed in changing battery time - This can be the tricky one. I kind of cheat on this one. Why waste time in changing batteries when you can just pull out a new, freshly charged one that is the backup. Don't you just love them supermarket two for the price of one deals.... five seconds
Looking at them results I think I can compete with Linford Christie :shock: Just need to shave a couple more seconds and I'll have 'im. (That's not including the undressing a lady).
Neil, if you are needing bra practice then why don't you just make sure she doesn't wear one to begin with?
Time taken to undo a bra whilst blindfolded - I can do it left handed blindfolded in one motion so I would say aroundtwo seconds. I've not perfected the art of undoing them with my teeth yet.
Speed in changing battery time - This can be the tricky one. I kind of cheat on this one. Why waste time in changing batteries when you can just pull out a new, freshly charged one that is the backup. Don't you just love them supermarket two for the price of one deals.... five seconds
Looking at them results I think I can compete with Linford Christie :shock: Just need to shave a couple more seconds and I'll have 'im. (That's not including the undressing a lady).
Neil, if you are needing bra practice then why don't you just make sure she doesn't wear one to begin with?
Sex God
Quote by chamoix
Undoing bras . . . .
that's me fucked then?
. . . whilst blindfolded
:shock: :shock: :shock:
bollox!
. . .
;)
Maybe this will help with your training,1)put your arm round the back of your lover ,2)take hold of bra strap catch with hand with thumb and fore finger on the bra strap closest to you, 3)with your middlefinger flick past and push against the forefinger and thunb at the same time.(a bit like clicking your fingers.) you might want to employ the little finger and 4th finger in a pincer movement replace the middle finger. happy practicing.
ya see. it all sounds so damn easy when you put it like that doesn't it? then when you try to do that single handed, well practised, one swift movement thing, it all goes tits up. not literally tits up.
i meant, it goes all bloody wrong! 
: then you have to reach round with the other hand, and kinda start kissing round ear lobes while you try and squint at the bloody catch, and it's just a bloody farce! 
and you girlies reckon it was a bloke invented the bloody things? not bleedin' likely is it on that evidence?
matt, a sensible suggestion, but usually have to wait for the summer months for that option, so kinda buggered when there's a nip in the air! or not, as the case may be! ;)
n x x x :P
Quote by MQ
I think there should be a 'womens orgasms' category - including:
Technique - fingers, tongues, cocks etc................
Skill - How adept you are at using the above to reach your target
Time taken to get her there
Yes MQ, nice idea, but how are they going to judge themselves on something they are (in my experience) not very good at doing?
Or is it just me that has this problem? Not saying that all men are inept but if I had to put a percentage on it - I would have to say 75-80% HAVENT GOT A CLUE.
Sorry..... just an observation.....
Quote by SunBunny
Or is it just me that has this problem? Not saying that all men are inept but if I had to put a percentage on it - I would have to say 75-80% HAVENT GOT A CLUE.
I'll have to count myself in the 20-25% category but there's a reason for that. When I was about 19 I met a girl who actually took the trouble to teach me. Every guy at that age has seen the pictures but there's a big difference between having a map and knowing where you're going. I'm not just talking "left a bit" and "up a bit" instructions either. She explained what she liked, told me what had what effect on her, guided my fingers to the right places and told me the right movements to make, virtually everything a guy ever really needed to know.
No doubt I'll get the "ah, but we're all different" replies but how many of you have taken the trouble to do the same kinda thing?
Steve
Quote by steveg_nw
No doubt I'll get the "ah, but we're all different" replies but how many of you have taken the trouble to do the same kinda thing?
Steve
The thing is Steve that I have often tried to 'show' these guys how to do it....tell them where to touch, which speed, how much pressure, etc etc etc....but most, I have found, are too pigheaded to listen.They know best.
I wouldn't mind but as a bisexual I have more idea than straight women who never 'go there' orally.....but STILL these guys think they know best.
So I have now given up trying to help those who are not prepared to help themselves....
Quote by SunBunny
No doubt I'll get the "ah, but we're all different" replies but how many of you have taken the trouble to do the same kinda thing?
Steve
The thing is Steve that I have often tried to 'show' these guys how to do it....tell them where to touch, which speed, how much pressure, etc etc etc....but most, I have found, are too pigheaded to listen.They know best.
I wouldn't mind but as a bisexual I have more idea than straight women who never 'go there' orally.....but STILL these guys think they know best.
So I have now given up trying to help those who are not prepared to help themselves....
Don't give up just yet.....some of us are prepered to listen!
Quote by steveg_nw
Or is it just me that has this problem? Not saying that all men are inept but if I had to put a percentage on it - I would have to say 75-80% HAVENT GOT A CLUE.
I'll have to count myself in the 20-25% category but there's a reason for that. When I was about 19 I met a girl who actually took the trouble to teach me. Every guy at that age has seen the pictures but there's a big difference between having a map and knowing where you're going. I'm not just talking "left a bit" and "up a bit" instructions either. She explained what she liked, told me what had what effect on her, guided my fingers to the right places and told me the right movements to make, virtually everything a guy ever really needed to know.
No doubt I'll get the "ah, but we're all different" replies but how many of you have taken the trouble to do the same kinda thing?
Steve
you lucky bugger,never had any such luck
Quote by SunBunny
The thing is Steve that I have often tried to 'show' these guys how to do it....tell them where to touch, which speed, how much pressure, etc etc etc....but most, I have found, are too pigheaded to listen. They know best.
ok, I aint never been pigheaded about it, so SunBunny if we bump into each other, wanna help me improve, cuz for me its maximum pleasure for the lady every time. I dontt mind admitting I can get as much pleasure from bringing a woman to orgasm by hand or mouth as I can from cumming myself
Sex God
Quote by anthony
Could include
a maximum time to undress a, yourself
now two days and when that home help lady gets here I'm gonna have words
b, a lady.
seven hours with the biggest problem being the removal of her cardigan over her wrists cos she just didn't have the confidence to let go of the walking frame.
Undoing bras whilst blindfolded
piece of piss, 9 seconds on account of having the eyesight of mr magoo, so I am used to it.
Speed of changing Rabbit batteries whilst having a hard on
batteries were ready but their power dissapated whilst waiting for the hard on.
..........davej who is gonna kick the arses of those that said age doesn't matter........
Quote by MQ
I think there should be a 'womens orgasms' category - including:
Technique - fingers, tongues, cocks etc................
Skill - How adept you are at using the above to reach your target
Time taken to get her there
:twisted: I volunteer myself as tester and will give in depth judgements as soon as I can see straight again
What a great idea, I'm happy to be put to the test anytime.
Sex God
Right Silky has the equipment set up lets start the testing .
Quote by chamoix
Undoing bras . . . .
that's me fucked then?
. . . whilst blindfolded
:shock: :shock: :shock:
bollox!
. . .
;)
Maybe this will help with your training,1)put your arm round the back of your lover ,2)take hold of bra strap catch with hand with thumb and fore finger on the bra strap closest to you, 3)with your middlefinger flick past and push against the forefinger and thunb at the same time.(a bit like clicking your fingers.) you might want to employ the little finger and 4th finger in a pincer movement replace the middle finger. happy practicing.
actually, Take one very sharp pair of scissors .......................... :twisted:
