Right lads and ladies, as you know we have a match next week away at Caneye Oldham and I just wanted to know who will be making the journey for that game:-
Goalkeeper : In goal we need a safe, reliable, secure pair of hands, someone who instills confidence in the whole team and provides a firm foundation for the entire team. There's been some fierce competition for this place in the team, but I've picked Mrs Bonedigger. Just remember your gloves (If they are fur-lined, remember to turn them inside out).
Full Backs : i want my full backs to be quick down the wings, flying forward when they can. But I want them to be tenacious, fair tacklers and able to maintain control when all around them has gone tits up. Therefore, I'm naming Cherrytree and FreckledBird as full backs.
Centre Backs : This was a tough choice lads... But in the end I've gone for Splendid and Noladreams. I need an impenetrable barrier at the heart of my defence. A solid brick wall that will not be knocked down. Not only do I think Splendid can achieve this, she'd decorate it wonderfully too either with a bit of Artex or some lace frontage. Nola is tall and fantastic in the air, on the ground, on her back or even on all fours. She's a great header and I think that this combination gives us a great chance of success.
Anchor - Although I play 4-4-2, I've gone for a holding midfielder. Someone tenacious, who isn't afraid of battle, won't shirk a tackle and who if things start to get bad, will roll up their sleeves, and their top if necessary, to put the other team off and drive team SH on to greater things, so I've opted for Callista.
Right Wing : Really. There is no other choice is there here? It has to be Mr Kent. First name on the teamsheet most weeks and the Lionel Messi of our team, give him the ball and let him go cause mayhem!
Left Wing : Balance is they so we'd need someone to ensure that while Mr Kent does his work down one flank, we have an equally capable threat down the other. To me Flower is the obvious option here now that Peanut has been controversially sold to raise funds for the half time oranges.
Creative Midfielder : We need someone creative in this role, who can produce things for the team on a regular basis. For me this has to be Minx as she has been the most productive for a while now, plus she can always confuse the opposition by drying her hair on cam.
Attack : I'm a firm believer in a double strikeforce, who work in tandem to take what the rest of the team present and turn it into goals. Therefore AngelChat and DirtyGirly will be in attack. Angel's useful in the air, wings are always a help plus she can always call on divine intervention. Dirty "Bites yer legs and spank my arse" Girly is a fantastic striker who isn't afraid to throw an elbow or knee or paddle around to ruffle defenders and cause them a mix of pain and arousal. A striking pair that would terrify most mortal men.
So the team is :-
Mrs Bonedigger
Freckled Bird, Splendid, Noladreams, Cherrytree
Callista
Mr Kent, Ladyisaminx, Flower
Angelchat Dirtygirly
Subs will be announced shortly.
Bring your boots (and whips, chains, toys and lube) with you.
Kit will be provided by our sponsors Ann Summers.
Last one in the communal bath, has wasted valuable time!
oh
my
dear
lord
above!!!!!!
Thats just made me laugh my bloody socks off!!!!!
may i be the cheerleader :bounce: :bounce: :bounce:
Cheerleader?!
Absolutely no way Bouncy!
You are the team stylist... There's no point us going out there dressed to the nines in our Ann Summers best, if our barnets look like they've been designed by Linda Barker after a fit with some pinking shears! You are responsible for team coiffure and any half time massaging that is required.
What's the betting on a few "tight groins" at the interval?
ooooo i say i can get all creative :rascal:
Can I be the masseuse please? Huh? Can I? Huh?
:bounce: :bounce: :bounce: :bounce: :bounce:
Can I be left back in the dressing room ? With the first reserve ?
I don't want to join in the game incase I break a nail ............ but can I be the half time "orange bringer outer"??? :rascal:
Sam xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
2 physios signing up for duty over here....
Get your kit off...
Just out of interest... who's the Ref? :mrgreen:
MATCH REPORT: Caneye Oldham 0 SH United 3
Despite blizzard conditions, SH United completed a routine victory over Caneye Oldham, thanks to three second half goals and a half time pep talk that will be on the highlight reel for many a long day. The first half was a somewhat drab affair, the only real chance falling to Angelchat, but she unfortunately got her wings in a tangle and ended up presenting herself to the opposition keeper who took full advantage of the opportunity to get his hands on her. United looked resolute at the back with Noladreams, Splendid and Bonedigger all barely tested (and mostly bare) by a flaccid Oldham attack that was disappointingly limp and lacking any thrust. With Calista dominating midfield, in an outfit to match, the game settled into a somewhat predictable rhythm (method). Indeed the highlight of the first half was when Flower pulled up with what looked like a strained Stamen allowing Physio's Maz and Den on. The Oldham's players eyes were agog at the contents of the physio bag, indeed never has a football field been so littered with items requiring batteries and lubrication since the Cyberman XI beat R2D2's Star Wars Droid XI 3-2 in a game that went into extra time, space and dimensions.
If the first half was spent feeling out the opposition, which it mostly was, the second saw United push home their advantage. This was mainly due to an impassioned team talk by caretaker manager Posh-Kate who regaled the team at half time promising "If you win the game I'll get me norks out!" It certainly inspired Mr Kent, in the first minute after half time, dodging tackles from left, right and centre he whipped in a fantastic cross which Dirty Girly rose to power home. As ever the striking scottish striker showing she knows what to do when fantastic heading is required. There was bad news for SH on 57 minutes when Flower was forced out of the action with a recurrence of the strained stamen, and despite a vigorous massage from Sassy Seren, which tottered on the brink of public decency, the left winger was forced to leave the field to lay down and be tended to by the United medical team. The lucky swine and substitute Sarah was brought on in his place. Sarah though had an immediate impact on the game. A link up with Cherrytree down the left saw her dazzle the Oldham defence with a range of yet to be published poetic masterpieces and a magnificent arse, and her ball into the near post area saw the Oldham keeper come. For the ball. However he missed it allowing the ball to sail to the far post where Mr Kent came late into the slot and forced it home. 2-0 and Oldham were on their knees begging. United were in no mood to let them off the hook and with Minxy prompting from midfield and Calista driving the team on, they soon added a third. Freckled Bird flying down the wing before playing in AngelChat to guide it home over the wet surface, much to the satisfaction of the away supporters, who would have applauded, had their hands not been full already.
Referee BIoke blew for the end of the game and it was another fine start for United in defence of their crown, however next week sees a real test. The visit of last years European Shag finalists Amsterdam Kink and with Flower looking doubtful with a strained stamen, Freckledbird down with the flu and Cherrytree suffering from a gipped pip, the injuries are mounting almost as much as the players.
Manager Resonance, who was not at the game after suffering from a bout of acute verbosity, has moved to deny reports of an approach to an unnamed striker. "We've made no official approach to bring in anyone else" stated the self-appointed manager. "I'm more than happy with the current squad and I'm not sure we could cope with any extra without securing team sponsorship from Red Bull and Viagra."
...NEWS...ANNOUNCEMENT
Breaking news, SH United can announced the signing of former New Zealand international Sam aka Blonde for an undisclosed fee of tuppence and a pack of pork crackling. Blonde will go to work with all of the first team squad ahead of next weeks highly anticipated clash against Amsterdam Kinky. Her role is believed to be "Official team De-juicer and re-juicer."
Blonde explained "I don't want to damage my nails, so I think light, or heavy, pre and post game juicing suits my skillset nicely."
It is reported there is already a queue around the door for de-juicing at the SH United training sin pit.
More news on this story as it breaks.
now I'm sure you're mad!
hwoar:.
- I was well surprised 
fabulous read it was too 
Come on ye Res! :thumbup: