The holiday joy

Quote by Dave__Notts
Trust you lot.....not an ounce of sympathy off one of you.....just pissing yourself laughing
Knew I wouldn't get any anyway
Dave_Notts

Never mind that - give us the second installment !! :? :? :? :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Quote by Sgt Bilko
Trust you lot.....not an ounce of sympathy off one of you.....just pissing yourself laughing
Knew I wouldn't get any anyway
Dave_Notts

Never mind that - give us the second installment !! :? :? :? :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Go on! oke:
Dare yer! :lickface:

Quote by Dave__Notts
For those that missed the previous posts, I will have to bring you up to date.
Alex and I had decided to go on holiday. We decided that the holiday would be chosen together, taking both our points of view across about the location and the date. We decided that we would look further into the location but decided on the date. This was going to be about August time. To cut this bit short, Alex phoned and told me that we will be going to the Dominican Republic on the 6th June, it was now 9th May………and by the way, it has already been paid for.
At this point, panic set in…….I do not have a passport!!!!
This can’t be difficult. Go to post office, get application, fill it in and hey presto…..a passport will appear in 2-3 weeks time. WRONG!!!! No passport came. In desperation I phoned them and asked, pleaded, begged…..but to no avail. They politely told me……cancel your holiday. In fear of Alex of cutting my bollocks off…..I tried my last avenue and contacted an MP. He got it in 40 minutes. I like MPs now.
We have passports, money, all packed and raring to go. Just travel up to Alex’s after work, relax and set off to the airport at 04:00. Arrive “oop north” to find that we are going to a B-B-Q. Get back to Alex’s at 10pm. We can still get 6 hours sleep. Alex decides that the new light timers (the ones that turn your lights on while you are away) do not work. I’ll have a quick look. Where are the instructions? Alex: “In the  Who throws the instructions away before you know how to work the things? So, two electrical incompetents try to get the things working. After a few raised voices, the switches are set. Alex at this time does not want the lights unplugged so we do not forget to turn them back on. have to have the bleeding lights on until the switches turn off automatically. These turn off at midnight, so get to sleep I have to put a pillow over my head instead of turning the lights out. Well, at least I will get 4 hours sleep.
Woke up at 2am staring at the wall. I thought to my self, why am I staring at the wall and why can’t I close my eyelids? The sleep depravation took a few moments to clear. Then I managed to work out why I was looking at the wall. Alex’s arm was resting on the top of my head, with her hand on my forehead and her fingers touching my eyelids. When she twitched in her sleep, her fingers curled back ripping my eyelids open. So after carefully removing the hand from my head, I went back to sleep.
The alarm went off at four and we packed the car and set off to the airport. It was a trouble free trip to the airport……well nearly. We reached the airport and were looking for the car-park. Alex, once again, had the directions in her hand. So she gave directions all the way until we reached a roundabout.
Dave_Notts: Which way? (Calm voice)
Alex_Female: Follow the pink sign. (Calm voice)
D_N: Which pink sign?
A_F: The pink sign. (Voice getting louder)
Now on the 2nd lap of the roundabout.
D_N: What pink sign?
A_F: OH FFS, THE PINK SIGN (Voice extremely angry)
D_N: I am colour blind dear.
A_F: Oooops, I forgot. That way to the carpark.
We got to the airport car park safely after going round the rounabout god knows how many times.
We arrived at the departure, waited a couple of hours and set off on a nine hour flight. All went well.
Arrived in the Dominican. Realised I shouldn’t have worn jeans and boots! After forgetting what my suitcase looked like and waiting until everybody had collected theirs to retrieve mine……we were off to the transfer location. Alex’s cool was starting to crack. All the coaches were lined up. All gleaming white and boasting air-conditioning and TV. What did we get? It looked like a bust up Commer Caravanette but not as classy. Oh what joy! Us two, two other couples and their horde (even Genghis Kahn’s horde wasn’t this fecking big) climbed in, as well as the million and one suitcases. At this point I saw the driver. I must point out that I am not ageist…..but they must have dug this bloke out of the ground. So we set off to the the living dead behind the wheel. The van travelled at a steady sixty irrespective of the state of the road, pedestrians or other road users. I thought we had travelled nine hours to be wrapped around a tree. The most impressive part of the journey was when we overtook a truck on a single carriage way. Overtaking the truck was not impressive……but the fact the truck was overtaking a truck at the same time, with a car overtaking a truck on the other side. So, there is now three vehicles side by side with two vehicles coming the other way side by side on a single carriage way. All the vehicles just managed to miss each other, with our driver blowing his horn at the other drivers. I was hoping it was sweat running down the back of my legs! What did I do? Just what any other person in that situation would have done………shouted loudly “Oooooooh ya fucker that was close”. This was not appreciated by the other couples, whose kids kind of overheard that remark. We eventually arrived safely.
We booked in and went to our luxury apartment. It overlooked a swamp, the air-con didn’t work and the shower was broken. I tried to use the shower and the head fell off the wall! Alex had now gone a bright shade of red. Either she had got sun burned very quickly or she was getting angry. We went to see the manager. We decided on the way down that I would do the talking as I am the calm one. When we got there a loud noise was emanating from Alex as she tore into the receptionist. So much for me doing the talking. It was amazing how fast all the other employees melted away……except the poor receptionist who had been cornered like a mouse by Alex. The hotel manager came up and asked could he help. “Bad move fellah” I thought. His training and experience of dealing with customers were for nought…..he was now faced with Alex. So after a quick chat together he head off at a high rate of knots, shouting over his shoulder to get another room quick. We were accompanied by three employees who helped us move rooms into a much better room.
The first day was spent sunbathing. Alex grabbed everything that we needed and we headed off to the pool. She meticulously set up her and my sunloungers. She was at the end and I was next to her, then we headed for a drink. When we came back, two bronzed beauties had set up right next to my sunlounger. Alex put her drink down and swapped my sunlounger for hers. She said “There is no way you are staring at them”.
On the second day, I decided to go for a walk along the beach as Alex was sunbathing. I put sun lotion all over, including my nose, ears and baldy spot. When I got back I took my sandals off and at that point went “Shit, forgot my feet”. A pair of crispy bacon feet were staring back at me. Oh the fecking agony. I could hardly walk. Half a bottle of aftersun later and not wearing anything on my feet for the next three days worked.
When these felt better, I tried my hand at horse riding down the beach for two hours. Lessons? You don’t get them here. Get on and off you go. So wearing sandals and a pair of shorts I disappeared into the sunset. Unfortunately, on the way out my horse did not go any faster than a trot. So the motion was horse goes down, Dave_Notts goes up, horse goes up, Dave_Notts bollocks go down. 45 fecking minutes of pounding my nuts on the saddle had brought tears to my eyes. They stopped for a quick drink in a bar, but then we had to do the ride back. Someone gave me some advice to kick the horse and it will gallop and the ride will become smoother. I followed the advice. Gave it a good kick and the tin of glue on legs set off at mach 5. Me holding onto the saddle for dear life and screaming like a banshee. Oh what joy…..and I paid for that? The wearing of shorts when riding is not advised. The motion of bare skin rubbing on leather……kind of rubs it away. So having mashed my nuts and worn my skin away, I was walking like I had been gangbanged by the bleeding Chippendales.
Dave_Notts