I wasn’t sure what to call this thread - but after some serious thought (of around 30 seconds) I decided on ‘The Middle Ground to Meeting’
We all do things in different ways - especially when it comes to swinging. There are those who like to form a strong friendship with people, over substantial lengths of time, before sex comes into the situation and there are those who like the complete anonymity that meeting strangers and just getting on with it brings. In the middle there is a huge expanse of ‘Middle Ground’.
It must be confusing as hell to some new comers who are trying to work out the etiquette when there are so many preferences and sometimes no real indication of who has which or even what they are in the first place (I must admit to confusing myself sometimes). So I thought maybe it was time to start another thread to discuss this.
Sometimes I actually do like the ‘just getting on with it’ approach - when the mood takes me - but though it annoys the shit out of me when people send PM’s saying “I like you’re profile. Do you want to meet?†It always comes across to me as the sender thinks we are all desperate and just sitting here hoping we will get an offer.
I generally sit somewhere in that ‘Middle Ground’ and one of the comparisons I often think of is… it is a bit like going to the gym with someone.
I like to get a feel for a person before I commit and get a feel for how they like to train - no point going to the gym together if one likes to spend all night on the treadmill and the other likes to do sets on the weights. But as for forming a strong friendship before going for a sweaty session - I don’t think it is important to be best-buddies before seeing if you train well together. I think friendship builds up over time with the right people - sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn‘t. If it doesn’t - well you have still had a good workout with some pleasant company.
I tend to be more cautious with couples - mainly as there are more people involved and they often tend to have a set routine already established (you don’t want to find one person hogging the dumbbells and leaving you to use the sit-up bench).
Now I tried to work out if there was a set time I spend ‘getting a feel for a person’ and the honest answer is … I don’t think there is. I just need to get that feeling that they are coming from a similar place as me. That can be one conversation in one night or several conversations over a few nights/weeks.
But that is just me - as I said… we are all different and do things in our own way. So what do you do?
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The Middle Ground to Meeting
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Sex God
Good topic PL!
Three times now I have tried to compose a reply and then abandoned it. However, I notice that no-one else has replied and I do think that it's a topic that deserves discussion.
I like to make contact initially by PM and I always base that on seeing someone's posts and getting a feeling for the sort of person they are. The initial PM is always a casual introduction which says how much I have enjoyed their posts and how I would like to meet if the opportunity arises. I always make a point of stressing that the first meet would be social. That's partly because I don't want to put them off by making them feel pressurised and partly because I like to give myself the opportunity of a get-out if we don't 'click' when we meet.
Now for the confession
. I am sure that everyone knows that I met Sappho through this site, but the other meets I have had have (so far) been purely social ones. We have made some wonderful friends, and I have no doubt that we will make many more, but, frankly, we've not done much 'swinging'. Mind you, constant pregnancies don't exactly help! 
:doh:
As for the 'Just get on with it' approach. I suspect that a club is a more likely scenario for that to happen and we are still club virgins (with the exception of the mass trip to a club after the very first NW munch :scared
. There is at least one club in our area (Utopia) that we have thought about visiting but, again, I think we need to get the pregnancy out of the way first! :shock:
So. that's it. I am not sure that it's much of a help but I prefer to start with a social meet, get to know someone and if something more exciting happens then that's a nice bonus.
Will
Three times now I have tried to compose a reply and then abandoned it. However, I notice that no-one else has replied and I do think that it's a topic that deserves discussion.
I like to make contact initially by PM and I always base that on seeing someone's posts and getting a feeling for the sort of person they are. The initial PM is always a casual introduction which says how much I have enjoyed their posts and how I would like to meet if the opportunity arises. I always make a point of stressing that the first meet would be social. That's partly because I don't want to put them off by making them feel pressurised and partly because I like to give myself the opportunity of a get-out if we don't 'click' when we meet.
Now for the confession
. I am sure that everyone knows that I met Sappho through this site, but the other meets I have had have (so far) been purely social ones. We have made some wonderful friends, and I have no doubt that we will make many more, but, frankly, we've not done much 'swinging'. Mind you, constant pregnancies don't exactly help! :doh:As for the 'Just get on with it' approach. I suspect that a club is a more likely scenario for that to happen and we are still club virgins (with the exception of the mass trip to a club after the very first NW munch :scared
. There is at least one club in our area (Utopia) that we have thought about visiting but, again, I think we need to get the pregnancy out of the way first! :shock:So. that's it. I am not sure that it's much of a help but I prefer to start with a social meet, get to know someone and if something more exciting happens then that's a nice bonus.
Will
Quote by PoloLady
Now I tried to work out if there was a set time I spend ‘getting a feel for a person’ and the honest answer is … I don’t think there is. I just need to get that feeling that they are coming from a similar place as me. That can be one conversation in one night or several conversations over a few nights/weeks.
I think that's pretty much the way a lot of people work, sometimes without knowing/realising it.
For me personally (when single) it's at the point of clicking, and as you say PL, that can be from one conversation, or many. The one conversation can be over most of an evening, or just 10 to 20 minutes. One thing that's just come to mind - Sometimes, I've decided that there was no "chemistry, or clicking" during initial contact; but during the conversations that happen over a few nights/weeks, the chemistry as such, can form over the period of time and contact.
I hate when she says it, but I'm forced on this occasion to agree with HLB - "Never say never"
Quote by PoloLady
But that is just me - as I said… we are all different and do things in our own way. So what do you do?
We are absolutely "all different and do things in our own way"
And I'm so glad that's true. Vive la Differance ! !
What do you do ?
You carry on doing what works for you, hoping that you'll find and bounce off people that have similar views :thumbup:
You have though given me a new question. Still related to the thread (I hope) . . . .
But as for forming a strong friendship before going for a sweaty session - I don’t think it is important to be best-buddies before seeing if you train well together. I think friendship builds up over time with the right people - sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn‘t. If it doesn’t - well you have still had a good workout with some pleasant company.
When someone, after a good while of getting to know each other during the several nights/weeks conversations, but before any play, says; "I couldn't fuck you because you've become too much of a mate" - is that (as I always suspect) just a polite, but lazy, fuck off ?
I like to chat on msn first then arrange a social meet before moving onto anything else. That way, I can see if there's an attraction there ( and vice versa ) If there is, then good stuff. If not, there's no pressure on either party to take it further and no one feels too uncomfortable to say 'no thanks'. I've only once done the deed ( so to speak ) without a social meet first and thankfully it turned out to be very enjoyable indeed :twisted: and can't wait for a second meet.
Sex God
Three times now I have tried to compose a reply and then abandoned it. However, I notice that no-one else has replied and I do think that it's a topic that deserves discussion.
you as well will?
been trying to reply for the last hour, but think this is my final draft? ;)good question pololady.
i'm squarely in the friends first camp! before i even think about meeting people, i have to be sure that i like and respect them as people first, and feel that they like and respect me in turn. every meet i've had has come after fairly lengthy interactions on the site, whether through banter on threads, conversations in PM, MSN, whatever, and usually after a social meet first at a munch? i want to feel as though i'm being asked to take part because of who i am, and not what i am?
i have no interest whatsoever in random sex with strangers. it's just not a turn on for me? when we go clubbing, i pretty much always stick to soft swing. some of that is probably a confidence / comfort zone thing, but i think that's only a very small part of it? the main thing is that i don't want to be just a body part for someone, and i need to be turned on in the head before there's any chance i'll get turned on anywhere else? a random encounter in a room full of wriggling bodies does nothing for me in that respect, cos it's purely physical, and there's nothing mental going on at all?
this has kind of made swinging tricky at times, cos gem used to prefer to play with people she's less intimately / emotionally involved with, so we've had to find some kind of middle ground ourselves, and meet eachother half-way, but that's now coming good for us i think.
neil x x x ;)
i tend to talk on msn with a person first, as has been said sometimes you know almost instantly that you click and sometimes it takes a few conversations, i always arrange to meet socially to see if the offline personality is the same as the online one, as sometimes this is very different, some people i have clicked with straight away on the social meet and have played that night other have taken one or two meets and some i have said a polite no thanks to.
Also meeting people at munchs and socials helps to as you are in a group social environment and can actually get to know quite a few people that you have wanted to meet from the way they post or are in the chat room, and have had the experience of meeting someone for the first time at a social and it being an amazingly electric connection, anyone who was in the room at the time knows exactly who and when i mean as most felt it.
We are all different and do things in different ways and are looking for different experiences, so we should all just keep doing what we do that makes us feel comfortable
Earthy xx
Also meeting people at munchs and socials helps to as you are in a group social environment and can actually get to know quite a few people that you have wanted to meet from the way they post or are in the chat room, and have had the experience of meeting someone for the first time at a social and it being an amazingly electric connection, anyone who was in the room at the time knows exactly who and when i mean as most felt it.
We are all different and do things in different ways and are looking for different experiences, so we should all just keep doing what we do that makes us feel comfortable
Earthy xx
I also think meeting on a social level gives you the chance to find out what you're both ( or all ) into sexually. I find it's best to find out what pushes each others buttons, any no-go areas and each others likes and dislikes before you get into the bedroom. It's a bit clinical to have to reel off do's and don'ts so better to get these out in the open before you start ripping each others pants off 
Now there is the funny thing for me - I am not overly keen on doing a social meet first. I am not actively looking to make new friends (but if I do along the way, it is more than a bonus). It matters not to me if we like the same movies/drinks/holidays/books/meals and so on - ultimately the meeting is for one reason. Again if along the way I meet people and it turns out we have more in common than our attitude towards sex, then, again it is more than a bonus.
The exception to this is - sometimes I like to meet couples briefly before the rumpy pumpy bits. More to see how they are with eachother than to see what else we have in common.
The exception to this is - sometimes I like to meet couples briefly before the rumpy pumpy bits. More to see how they are with eachother than to see what else we have in common.
We like to chat and meet people with no initial assumptions really... we enjoy our 'lifestyle' choice immensely but it's a not prerequisite of our enjoyment of life in general! We politely decline 'just a shag' invitations but there again we are not life counsellors or here to be mere cyphers for other people's fantasies to the point of exclusion in all the fun!!
Every person and situation is different so the 'middle ground' is a constantly shifting creature! Some we meet I've wanted to ravish instantly, others have developed into erotic chat buddies only and that's just dandy!
Initially it can be daunting to find your feet but like with most things you find your own groove! If it's more about what you LIKE and can express that mutually with someone then great but if it's about what you WANT or NEED it can go pear shaped. You can't expect others to neatly satisfy your tick boxes but there again you shouldn't feel pressured either and that only becomes apparant with a little chatting, and a meet and greet (for us* anyway!).
*On a tangent, not all couples are the same Polo! We don't deny we are committed and close but we have no agenda or routine, we thrive on every situation being tantalisingly different and can involve us both or god forbid...as individuals!!.... but I respect your view, some couples are strange... a power play for all the wrong reasons!!!
Every person and situation is different so the 'middle ground' is a constantly shifting creature! Some we meet I've wanted to ravish instantly, others have developed into erotic chat buddies only and that's just dandy!
Initially it can be daunting to find your feet but like with most things you find your own groove! If it's more about what you LIKE and can express that mutually with someone then great but if it's about what you WANT or NEED it can go pear shaped. You can't expect others to neatly satisfy your tick boxes but there again you shouldn't feel pressured either and that only becomes apparant with a little chatting, and a meet and greet (for us* anyway!).
*On a tangent, not all couples are the same Polo! We don't deny we are committed and close but we have no agenda or routine, we thrive on every situation being tantalisingly different and can involve us both or god forbid...as individuals!!.... but I respect your view, some couples are strange... a power play for all the wrong reasons!!!
I don't think I have a 'usual' way yet, I've tried chatting on msn on two occasions, 1st time was an unmitigated disaster - he turned out to be completely different in 'real' life. The second time was great.
I've tried just meeting, with a view to a regular thing - the first time we met was ok, the second time he left me waiting in a bar on my own for four hours.
I've met someone 'by accident', at a social, which was good.
I don't like getting pm's that ask for a meet with the assumption that your going to play, mainly because I don't yet have the confidence to be ok with them changing thier mind (I hope that makes sense?).
Thanks for the thread though, Polo, it's good to know that other folks have similar problems.
H.x
I've tried just meeting, with a view to a regular thing - the first time we met was ok, the second time he left me waiting in a bar on my own for four hours.
I've met someone 'by accident', at a social, which was good.
I don't like getting pm's that ask for a meet with the assumption that your going to play, mainly because I don't yet have the confidence to be ok with them changing thier mind (I hope that makes sense?).
Thanks for the thread though, Polo, it's good to know that other folks have similar problems.
H.x
It's all change (and on hold) this end at the moment, but as a single I prefered to get to know people first. I was looking for prehaps what I had in the past closeness between friends (if that makes sense). I've never been the quick shag type in any form I've always wanted much more than sex (greedy fooker again). I always liked to get to know people first be it via msn or otherwise but the first meet was always purely social or those were my intentions at the time. I did do the odd dash to a hotel walk in and out again sometime later but to be honest it was never the way I wanted it to be.
Quote by sheddy
I did do the odd dash to a hotel walk in and out again sometime later but to be honest it was never the way I wanted it to be.
Please don't take this the wrong way. I am not having a dig here - i am genuinely curious.... why did you go to the hotels if it was not what you wanted?
well i've had 6 attempts at this thread but without my mojo my head just wont play ball either at the mo I think that's perhaps because I dont have a 'middle ground' 
or maybe I do but I'm just not using it....:dunno:..... or maybe the middle ground is just so god damn hazy I cant see them at the mo :dunno:
:idea: i might be back later
I think that's perhaps because I dont have a 'middle ground' or maybe I do but I'm just not using it....:dunno:..... or maybe the middle ground is just so god damn hazy I cant see them at the mo :dunno:
:idea: i might be back later
Hope this makes sense to you as this is my longest post by a long way and i kept moving backwards and forwards and moving text etc
When i first joined the site befor Christmass my first thoughts were to use the chatrooms and arrange meets through their thinking it wouldnt take long to get a meet. No doubt that that does happen on here but having joined at a time when there are probably hundreds of single men to a single fem i started to change my view.
Lots of single men on here think of this as a sex site and make complete asses of themselves in the chatrooms directing etc. and thus forced me into a re-think. Since then i started using the forums (The best thing new people can do when they join) and learnt a lot more about how this site works ans how the people think.
So my thoughts now on how things should progress are based along the lines of getting to know people first via. PM's, the forum, chat and or MSN/ etc.
So basicly just see what happens and not to push things. Though not having had any meets this may be wrong.
When i first joined the site befor Christmass my first thoughts were to use the chatrooms and arrange meets through their thinking it wouldnt take long to get a meet. No doubt that that does happen on here but having joined at a time when there are probably hundreds of single men to a single fem i started to change my view.
Lots of single men on here think of this as a sex site and make complete asses of themselves in the chatrooms directing etc. and thus forced me into a re-think. Since then i started using the forums (The best thing new people can do when they join) and learnt a lot more about how this site works ans how the people think.
So my thoughts now on how things should progress are based along the lines of getting to know people first via. PM's, the forum, chat and or MSN/ etc.
So basicly just see what happens and not to push things. Though not having had any meets this may be wrong.
Sex God
Well I generally chat to people (and pass on details to Chris) for ages before we plan to meet. The first meet, for us, is usually social. We've only done one meet where we'd never met the couple 'in the flesh' before. However, we'd been chatting to them for about two years on messenger and in chat and felt as if we knew them already.
We do like the social side of this lifestyle and we doubt we'd ever be able to swing in clubs with strangers. It's just not our thing.
We do like the social side of this lifestyle and we doubt we'd ever be able to swing in clubs with strangers. It's just not our thing.
Quote by goose35
Hope this makes sense to you as this is my longest post by a long way and i kept moving backwards and forwards and moving text etc
When i first joined the site befor Christmass my first thoughts were to use the chatrooms and arrange meets through their thinking it wouldnt take long to get a meet. No doubt that that does happen on here but having joined at a time when there are probably hundreds of single men to a single fem i started to change my view.
Lots of single men on here think of this as a sex site and make complete asses of themselves in the chatrooms directing etc. and thus forced me into a re-think. Since then i started using the forums (The best thing new people can do when they join) and learnt a lot more about how this site works ans how the people think.
So my thoughts now on how things should progress are based along the lines of getting to know people first via. PM's, the forum, chat and or MSN/ etc.
So basicly just see what happens and not to push things. Though not having had any meets this may be wrong.
Your post was really interesting goose, and the way in which a perception of the site can change so quick is interesting too. Having just joined we haven't had any meets but know that to find the right people is going to take time, its just a shame that other members aren't always so patient!!
It depends on what you want from the experience I suppose, we would like to meet genuine people for regular fun rather than people for a one off, and the forum and socials seem like a much better place for it than the chat and ads!
Sex God
Speaking as a single within a couple so to speak, I try to go with what the other party wants - leaving it open to either remain social or to play right up to the last minute (makes life exciting and disappointing on occasions).
Like Polo I find couples are a complex area. Some are so relaxed and open that you can explore things easily, which is really good fun. Others, especially when you get to know one half better than the other early on, can be a minefield. I have misread the situation with couples and ended up in an unpleasant situation. You think a certain level of acceptance has been reached and boy can you be wrong. Strangely enough this usually happens at a munch when you'd think things are more relaxed but, no, you've overstepped the mark :confused: :kick: :fuckinghell: .
Lost two good friends that way - I am a prat sometimes
.
Like Polo I find couples are a complex area. Some are so relaxed and open that you can explore things easily, which is really good fun. Others, especially when you get to know one half better than the other early on, can be a minefield. I have misread the situation with couples and ended up in an unpleasant situation. You think a certain level of acceptance has been reached and boy can you be wrong. Strangely enough this usually happens at a munch when you'd think things are more relaxed but, no, you've overstepped the mark :confused: :kick: :fuckinghell: .
Lost two good friends that way - I am a prat sometimes
.
Quote by PoloLady
I did do the odd dash to a hotel walk in and out again sometime later but to be honest it was never the way I wanted it to be.
Please don't take this the wrong way. I am not having a dig here - i am genuinely curious.... why did you go to the hotels if it was not what you wanted?
Simple..............I was new to this single male lark and quite honestly was genuinely unsure of what I was looking for. It wasn't untill after I realised it wasn't for me :D
Quote by sheddy
I did do the odd dash to a hotel walk in and out again sometime later but to be honest it was never the way I wanted it to be.
Please don't take this the wrong way. I am not having a dig here - i am genuinely curious.... why did you go to the hotels if it was not what you wanted?
Simple..............I was new to this single male lark and quite honestly was genuinely unsure of what I was looking for. It wasn't untill after I realised it wasn't for me :D
Cheers
I have found myself doing things from time-to-time which are not really my cup of tea (so to speak) and to be honest... from time-to-time I still do. I know at the time it is not something I would want to do regularly - so it is not a hindsight thing. In my case it is more about having the experience/exploring boundaries or links to fantasies. Sometimes it is not about the physical satisfaction of sex... it is the mental buzz of the situation.
Interesting Thread.
I've mentioned before that I prefer meeting people socially first as I'm a much better judge of character.
To be honest I'm not one for chatting on msn, but I like to chat on the phone as I can tell a lot from that.
The social meet isn't because I need to know a lot about their interests - that doesn't really matter. It's purely to see if the chemistry's there.
As mentioned earlier I do like going to the larger social events as it gives me the opporunity to meet a lot of people and see who I have a spark with. After that it's pretty much easy to sort a meet out.
I've mentioned before that I prefer meeting people socially first as I'm a much better judge of character.
To be honest I'm not one for chatting on msn, but I like to chat on the phone as I can tell a lot from that.
The social meet isn't because I need to know a lot about their interests - that doesn't really matter. It's purely to see if the chemistry's there.
As mentioned earlier I do like going to the larger social events as it gives me the opporunity to meet a lot of people and see who I have a spark with. After that it's pretty much easy to sort a meet out.
Sex God
I have misread the situation with couples and ended up in an unpleasant situation. You think a certain level of acceptance has been reached and boy can you be wrong.
nail on head there choon! ;)
one of the reasons i take so long about it, is that i want to be absolutely comfortable, and as sure as i can be that no unpleasantness is likely to crop up, and i want to be sure that both parties in the couple are equally happy with me? the better informed we all are, the less chance there is of unpleasant situations rearing their ugly head!
course, you can still get bitten on the arse no matter how much forward planning you do, just cos swinging has a habit of tossing you a curve ball every now and then just to keep you on your toes
but it seems to work for me more often than not?neil x x x ;)
