The S.H Forum Soap Opera... Double Enders.
(Cue Drums followed by sounds of buzzing and "ooooh!" Opening credits shows pussy on a roof)
Starring :
Mr Kent as Dirty Ken Watts
Noladreams as his wife, Flange Watts
Silk and Big G as Stan and Hilda Flogdem
Fluffy as Mavis "once in a whiley" Riley
Mrs Bonedigger as Deirdre Dildo
Mr Bonedigger as Ken Dildo
Cherrytree as Tracy Dildo
BenRumson as Short n' Curly Watts
Mr Res as Percy Shaggedum
EPISODE ONE : Drama at the "Seaman's A-Spurtin"
Dirty Ken : "Listen you ratbag! We ain't 'avin any bleedin' varyfication, got it? Now shaddup and get the glasses cleaned!"
Flange : "I 'ate you Ken Watts!"
Dirty Ken : "Yeah... like I care!"
Flange (Tearful and already onto her third bottle of vodka since the show started) : "You do care Ken... You care for me... I know you do... deep down." (I picked Nola for this part as I know she could plumb the depths of Thespian misery as required by the part)
Dirty Ken : "Shaddup! You know there's only one woman for me..." (Hold up pic of Mrs T). "Maggie... She's the woman I love... not some two bit tart from the scrag arse end of tahn!"
Flange : "You shut your mouth!"
(Flange flings her glass at him, Dirty Ken dodges it easily and takes her arm."
Dirty Ken : "Don't do that again...You almost hit Maggie!"
DIRTY KEN WALKS AROUND TO THE BAR WHERE THE REST OF THE CAST ARE ASSEMBLED...
Hilda : "Stanley? What are you doing?"
Stan : "I'm trying to save a bit of money aren't I? Say's here in this Credit Crunch swingers thread... for that authentic bukkake experience..."
Hilda : "Ooh Stanley!"
Short N Curly : "Hi Stan, Hi Hilda."
Stan : "Hiya Curly, what can we get you?"
Short N Curly : "A shag would be nice?"
Hilda : "Give over, we ain't miracle workers you know..."
(Camera moves to Mavis & Percy)
Mavis : "... And then he had me over the counter. I wouldn't mind, but there was a terrible mess on the stamps... Percy I said... That shouldn't be allowed in the shop. Shooting it off like that. It went in my eyes, my mouth my hair... everywhere."
Percy : "Aye! It did. Right mess it caused. Bloody students and their waterpistols. I tell you Mrs Riley, it we're lucky I'd forgotten me glasses, I'd have shown them a thing or two about respect for their elders."
Mavis : "Still that mature student had a nice cock didn't he?"
(Camera moves onto the Dildo family)
Ken Dildo : "Now look Tracy, this is a big decision."
Tracy : "I know dad! God! Do you think I'm daft!"
Deirdre Dildo : "No, it's not that love... but I man it is a big career change for you. I thought you were coming into the Diplomatic corps with me... Or maybe ACAS... but going off to be Percy's scorer in a radio gameshow is a big change."
Tracy : "Oh Mam, I just want to lick the nuts off a large neapolitan... What harm can come to me eh?"
(Camera pans back to Ken and Flange)
Ken : "Look at em... None the wiser... Don't know what's comin do they..."
Flange : "I 'ate you Ken!"
(Flange aims a right slap across his face... The pub is stunned into silence. We close up on Den's livid face... He trembles with thinly disguised rage, his face turning crimson...)
Ken : (Camply) "Oooh I like it! Spank me ya bitch! I'll be your sub !"
Flange looks into Camera... Aghast... Tears well, she takes her 14th bottle of Vodka, pops it into the IV drip in her arm...
Flange "oh Dennis... Dennis... Dennis..."
Hilda : "Lucky Bitch"
Cue Drums : End of Episode one...
waits impatiently for episode two's script to arrive whilst practising her pursed up soap opera mouth and disdainful, sneering stare.
Ohh... And there will be plenty more characters in Episodes 2-39182 so stay tune-d (Yes he's one too!)
New Characters for future reference:
NeilinLeeds as (Prince) Albert Fatcock
Freckled Bird as Rita the Tweeter Handcuff
Splendid as barmaid Bet Wench
DirtyGirly as the Scottish rebel Shona McMuffin,
AngelChat as her friend barmaid and world famous pie maker Betty Porkiner
Fem4Taboo as Aussie legend Mrs Dangle
TuneEssence as her son Joe Dangle
Witch as her niece : Jane Screws-Again
TanKinky as rival landlady of the "Gushing Gusset" Fanny Talker
Any idea feel free to chip in...
Whoop!
I'm gonna get a bit! part
:bounce:
Break a leg with Double Enders. Sorry I can't be with you but I'm currently starring in Penetration Street.
lmao ! Penetration Street!
And not forgetting the one with dodgy sets, set in a Midlands Motel... Cross-dressers.
Theme tunes :
"Swingers...everybody shags like swingers...
With a little lubrication,
You can find the perfect hole...
Swingers, should be bare for one another,
That's when good swingers
Offer you both ends..."
It's almost touching...
EPISODE TWO:
Interior of "Gushing Gusset" Fanny Talker's pub. And rival of the "Seaman's Spurting". We see people milling at the bar indulging in their own little conversations.
Shona McMuffin : "...I said tae him, I said "I cannae take it anymore it's gonna blow!"
Betty Porkiner : "What did he say?"
Shona : "Not a lot... They jus' kept fillin' ma box with message after message. The wee sassenachs..."
Betty : "That'll be the last time you get Percy to write your Advert then won't it?"
Enter Fanny Talker.
Fanny : "Does anybody know what the square root of the triple point of Magnesium is, translated into roman numerals and then inverted, added together and then placed in a soft peat bog for several years before being divided by the half life of Radon and added to infinity plus one?"
Silence...
Fanny : "Right, well that one can do for PM of the week next week... I can't do the lifeboat one again. I saw Percy last week and he was muttering to himself and trying to dry hump a lamppost in dispair."
Sat at the table are Albert Fatcock and Rita Handcuff, barmaid and part time Artexer Bet Wench brings them their drinks over...
Bet : "That's a screwdriver for you Albert and for you Rita one of my best. A clitorial Stimulation!"
Rita "Oooh Lovely! What's in that?"
Bet : "Oh? You wanted a drink? I'll go and get one..."
Albert : "Have you heard what's happening at the Seamans? Whisper it quietly, but the are talking about having varification!"
Rita : "nooooo!"
Albert : "As true as my helmet sports a ring... Dirty Ken is thinking of bringing it in... Flange is against it..."
Rita : "Well she would be, she's still not recovered from... you know..."
Albert : "What?"
Rita : "From when she posted and agreed with Dirty Ken... Made her question her sanity it did. Paid a fortune in psychological fees. After the tests, they said she was a nymphomaniac! She was so relieved!"
In a corner of the bar sit the Aussie trio...
Jane : "Ya Flamin Galaar Joe! Where did ya leave Bouncy?"
Joe : "She's in the car, You know we can't bring her in during the day... last time she came in she had half a beer and started to hump Fanny."
Jane : "Doyn't Remind me.. Did ya leave the window open?"
Joe : "Course I did mate, there was a fella there anyway from K.P, who wanted to show her his nuts. I'm sure she'll be droolin now thinkin about it... Shush... here's mum. Pretend we don't want to shag each other...
Mrs D : Have you heard the news? Fanny was seen leaving the "Spurting Seaman" late last night...
Jane : What?
Mrs D : Albert spotted her leaving the pub with a dildo and a lascivious grin on her face...
Just then the doors to the pub burst open. Flange Enters in tears and shrieking hysterically
Flange : "It's Ken! He's.... He's.... He's...."
Albert : "Come on Flange, I know you don't normally spit it out... but you can't keep us in suspenders like this..."
Flange : "It's Ken! He's... Gone and bought the Daily Mirror! (STUNNED SILENCE) Oh and yes, I found him this morning, lay on the floor with a dildo up his bottom and a Thai man stood over him saying "You my bitch now mother!"
More stunned silence. Shona McMuffin almost drops her whisky, but fortunately she bends down to catch it and it hits her on the back of the head.
Fanny : "He bought the Daily Mirror?.. He's losing it Flange... face it... This town ain't big enough for the both of us... And the pressure's telling..."
Fanny turns with a smile on her face and leaves the bar... as she does Flange shouts...
Flange : "Yeah! Fanny... We I know you visited him last night... He came to bed mumbling about lifeboats and screaming "Ron Dixon!"... If we're going down... You are coming with us... I swear... I'll get you fanny! I'll get you and I'll lick you! I promise!!" Flange slams the door.
Close up on Fanny who smiles evilly...
Aghast faces in the pub.
Albert : "Now THAT was funny..."
Drums signal end of episode...
I hate being left out so much that I am now going to goose step into the distance and sulk for all eternity! :0(
As for Prince Alberts, you'll be giving Gem ideas again. We've had that conversation, and the answer's still no! 
