The following may be of help to first time visitors to Scotland. Please find below a list of Do's and Dont’s in our fair country. I hope they are of some help in allowing you to understand our social rules and etiquette.
It is considered bad manners for tourists to pay for drinks in Glasgow Pubs. The biggest person in the bar (referred to as The Numpty) will be only too happy to pay. i.e.
BARMAN: “That will be twenty pounds sir.”
TOURIST: “The Big Numpty over there is paying.”
BARMAN: “That will do nicely sir.”
BIG NUMPTY: “Welcome to Scotland.”
In Highland pubs always ask for plenty of water when drinking the local single malts, this tells the locals that you like it so much that you want to make it last longer. After your first sip announce to everyone in the bar in a loud voice "This is pish!" from the Gaelic Piesh Na' lavvy meaning Water of God.
Thurso is Scotland's largest hypermarket and multiscreen cinema complex and is only a short taxi ride from Glasgow.
The Scottish Police Force actively encourage tourists to take their hats as souvenirs.
Braemar is famous for its miles of sandy beaches and has some of the best surfing in Europe.
Balmoral Castle sits on top of Ben Nevis near Sauchiehall Street in Edinburgh. There is a cable car from Edinburgh Zoo to the top of Ben Nevis. Because of its height it offers all year round skiing and there is a revolving restaurant on the roof of the castle.
Often you will see men in bowler hats marching about playing the flute and banging a drum. This is a multi denominational religious ceremony and the object of this procession is to collect pictures of religious leaders which must be stuck to the drum. Any images, particularly those of the Pope, will be greatly appreciated.
There is a nocturnal thistle called a "Spiky Jessie" which is found on Calton Hill in Edinburgh. As these flowers only open at night a trip up the hill is recommended. Just tell a taxi driver that you want to go up Calton Hill to take pictures of the Jessies coming out and he will be happy to oblige.
The Latin inscription on Edinburgh's coat of arms says "You'll have had your tea?"
The most popular hotel in Glasgow is called The Barlinnie.
Old people are banned from Scottish towns on Tuesdays and Thursdays. If you see any gently restrain them until a police officer arrives. This may also provide an opportunity to get a hat as a souvenir.
Glasgow operates a policy of plain clothed street bankers. As it is well known that carrying small change can tear people's pockets, these bankers will approach tourists and ask if they have any spare change. Once given this money they will exchange it for coins or notes of a higher denomination. In order to deter criminals, these Bankers often dress in a scruffy unkempt manner but they are all highly trained in finance.
Edinburgh Zoo has an “adopt an animal” scheme and tourists may take home any animal they wish.
At many beauty spots you will find musicians playing the bagpipes. They are employed by the Scottish Government to provide tourists with spending money, which can be found in bowls beside them. Feel free to take as much money as you want.
William Wallace escaped the army of Oliver Cromwell by jumping over The River Forth at Perth on a motorbike.
If you go to a concert by The Royal Scottish National Orchestra it is considered impolite not to shout "Hoots!" during quiet sections of music.
Celtic are known as the ‘Gers due to being formed by Gerry O'Malley a fruit importer who was the first man to introduce citrus fruit to Scotland. So if you walk into a pub filled with people wearing green and white say "Up the ‘Gers, I'm proud to be an orange man!" and you will receive a warm welcome.
Policemen are known by the old Gaelic word "keech".
"Jobbie" is a word meaning a lot of effort has gone into producing something i.e. when you have enjoyed a meal, tell the waiter that it "tasted like a great jobbie."
Translations available on request
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