A thread tonight made me laugh hysterically and I added to it with a story of my own. It was about a close friend who sadly died at a young age.
Time is a healer. That is what people say. But does it? I will always remember those that I have lost and I think about them at times when I have a bit of quiet time. I feel that I have been honoured to have been part of their life and remember the good times that we had. The laughs, the jokes and the scrapes we got into always flood back. I cope with their passing with laughter and fun when in view of people but have a time of reflection on my own.
How does evryone else deal with this?
Sorry for being too deep on a Sunday night.
Dave_Notts
PS sorry to Neil for unloading on you m8
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i very recently lost my Father.
Unfortunatly the funny moments were very few and far between , as was any kind of interaction ,so using laughter as way to get through it didnt help me.
But i do understand where you are coming from , and agree that if you can do it , celebrating someones life is far better than mourning.
Good on ya
Unfortunatly the funny moments were very few and far between , as was any kind of interaction ,so using laughter as way to get through it didnt help me.
But i do understand where you are coming from , and agree that if you can do it , celebrating someones life is far better than mourning.
Good on ya
I know what you mean but not sure I can put it into words. I've suffered from loss, recently and a while ago. Both the losses are bearable, time has the advantage over one but not the other, and yet both the losses feel the same, both make my heartache, both make me sob hysterically, both I can move on from but never forget.
Time isn't a healer at all ....... it allows a way of coping with things. My recent loss was my Nan, she died on Xmas Eve very suddenly and we were close, she was a person with whom I could share things and lived with my grandparents for a while. Thinking of her now I am in tears, certain thoughts, songs, pictures, programmes all trigger these feelings.
My older loss was that of an infant, unborn, no time spent in this life. No longer do other mothers with bumps make me cry, no longer does the distant sound of a newborn make me sob. No pictures or songs to remind me but instead the reminder of a lost time. I can talk about it now, I can make what would have been it's future my own but I still weep, I still wonder.
Time makes the older one bearable, I'm not strong over it I've just learned to cope with it, learned to pickup on my feelings and enables me to share. The newer loss ~ in time that pain will dull to an ache and I'll be able to talk without crying.
In my world time never heals it just enables us to cope .....
Time isn't a healer at all ....... it allows a way of coping with things. My recent loss was my Nan, she died on Xmas Eve very suddenly and we were close, she was a person with whom I could share things and lived with my grandparents for a while. Thinking of her now I am in tears, certain thoughts, songs, pictures, programmes all trigger these feelings.
My older loss was that of an infant, unborn, no time spent in this life. No longer do other mothers with bumps make me cry, no longer does the distant sound of a newborn make me sob. No pictures or songs to remind me but instead the reminder of a lost time. I can talk about it now, I can make what would have been it's future my own but I still weep, I still wonder.
Time makes the older one bearable, I'm not strong over it I've just learned to cope with it, learned to pickup on my feelings and enables me to share. The newer loss ~ in time that pain will dull to an ache and I'll be able to talk without crying.
In my world time never heals it just enables us to cope .....
Sex God
For a while it is the biggest internal pain you carry around like a sandbag in your stomach. As time goes on you start to remember the good times and laugh at how things were.
The worst times are always the first few when you meet up with your other pals and there is an empty chair............. you all get the lump in your throat and dont speak for what seems like an eternity....... this turns with time into toasting the empty chair and talking to it as the person who sadly passed away was there.......
Now when we meet up, we toast and drink to him and his memory and have a good night out like we did when he was around. The last thing he would have wanted was us not to have a good night out and never smile again cos that's the kind of person he was.
I found that I needed to give myself time and space to grieve, so if I wanted to cry, I cried, sometimes into the pillow cos no-one was around. If I wanted to be happy I allowed my self to be happy although at first I felt incredibley guilty for feeling that maybe today wasn't so bad afterall.
I think everyone is different in the way they deal with it. My best friend turns into a domestic godess and will not stop doing things until she falls down cos being busy keeps her mind occupied.
I hope you feel better soon. Here, have a cuddle from me.....
:therethere:
The worst times are always the first few when you meet up with your other pals and there is an empty chair............. you all get the lump in your throat and dont speak for what seems like an eternity....... this turns with time into toasting the empty chair and talking to it as the person who sadly passed away was there.......
Now when we meet up, we toast and drink to him and his memory and have a good night out like we did when he was around. The last thing he would have wanted was us not to have a good night out and never smile again cos that's the kind of person he was.
I found that I needed to give myself time and space to grieve, so if I wanted to cry, I cried, sometimes into the pillow cos no-one was around. If I wanted to be happy I allowed my self to be happy although at first I felt incredibley guilty for feeling that maybe today wasn't so bad afterall.
I think everyone is different in the way they deal with it. My best friend turns into a domestic godess and will not stop doing things until she falls down cos being busy keeps her mind occupied.
I hope you feel better soon. Here, have a cuddle from me.....
:therethere:
grieving for someone can happen when they're still alive too. Hard to explain and i'm not going to go into it now. I think loss of any kind is like a wound...it hurts and bleeds, then scabs, then heals...but it has impacted on your life and you will never ever be as you were before, because you'll always have that scar, although it may be patched up, it's still there. sorry if it sounds morbid...it's that kind of night.
Quote by corriefem
When I go as one day I will I hope everyone gets absolutely pissed and says "what a totally batty old bag she was but she didnt alf enjoy life!" lol
Corrie a great mindset to have
Quote by corriefem
Calista cant even begin to offer sympathy at the right level in here to you. Just believe that I am thinking about you tonight. Take care you are a lovely woman
Love Corriexxx
Corrie,
Thank you :)
I think all these experiences go towards making us the people that we are now (all part of lifes rich tapestry).
We never forget those loved ones that we have lost, and nor would we want to, but somehow we adapt and learn to cope. When my time comes I hope people will celebrate my life rather than mourning my death.
We never forget those loved ones that we have lost, and nor would we want to, but somehow we adapt and learn to cope. When my time comes I hope people will celebrate my life rather than mourning my death.
A few years ago when my gran died I really didnt cope very well at all was kinda horrible the way she went although it was very fast in a way it wasnt nice to see her change from the woman she was. I still miss her too but it has got easier the only thing is I regret not having maybe gotten to know her as much as I could have but then families all have secrets eh!
Also I regret deeply the fact that I didnt go to see her in hospital the day before she died, kinda missed out on my last opportunity to see her and talk to her but now thinking back it was maybe fot the best. She hated the fact that she was so ill and I hated seeing her I only hope that she never thought for a second that I never came because I didnt care.
I still find it hard to go to her house where my grandad still lives now. Hope that wasnt too much info but im gonna shut up now otherwise Ill end up eating all the site bandwidth with my inane ramblings
Also I regret deeply the fact that I didnt go to see her in hospital the day before she died, kinda missed out on my last opportunity to see her and talk to her but now thinking back it was maybe fot the best. She hated the fact that she was so ill and I hated seeing her I only hope that she never thought for a second that I never came because I didnt care.
I still find it hard to go to her house where my grandad still lives now. Hope that wasnt too much info but im gonna shut up now otherwise Ill end up eating all the site bandwidth with my inane ramblings
Quote by Dave__Notts
A thread tonight made me laugh hysterically and I added to it with a story of my own. It was about a close friend who sadly died at a young age.
Time is a healer. That is what people say. But does it? I will always remember those that I have lost and I think about them at times when I have a bit of quiet time. I feel that I have been honoured to have been part of their life and remember the good times that we had. The laughs, the jokes and the scrapes we got into always flood back. I cope with their passing with laughter and fun when in view of people but have a time of reflection on my own.
Bereavement/loss/grief can be seen as like riding on a rollercoaster. The initial slump into bereavement, then slowing climbing up, then plunging back into despair as something triggers those painful feelings.
I have worked as a Volunteer Bereavement Counsellor and I have seen that those painful feelings of bereavement/grief/loss do not last forever. Your life will never be the same but you build a new one where you can look back and smile when you think of the person you have lost instead of crying.
Be true and good to yourselves. Take care all.
PS: Dave_Notts, I wish I was there to give you a hug and kiss xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
loseing a friend or part of your family can be so painfull
i found the tears stopped but the pain never went away
i dunno how we manage to lock it away but i guess we have to
years do help ease the loss but like most on here you get a quiet night and memories flood back
and shed another few tears
i find talking to family....looking at old pictures and thinking about the happy times helps
im so glad they invented video camcorders i slap on my old tapes and just wish i could have a last chat just to say love you and miss you
everyone grieves .....but for some stupid reason its kinda to show it
dont you just hate the 2 weeks after a funeral everyone floods around you asking if your ok .
then they all dissapear and expect you to be leading a normal life again
nuts
red sends everyone a big hug on here who miss's a loved one :love:
i found the tears stopped but the pain never went away
i dunno how we manage to lock it away but i guess we have to
years do help ease the loss but like most on here you get a quiet night and memories flood back
and shed another few tears
i find talking to family....looking at old pictures and thinking about the happy times helps
im so glad they invented video camcorders i slap on my old tapes and just wish i could have a last chat just to say love you and miss you
everyone grieves .....but for some stupid reason its kinda to show it
dont you just hate the 2 weeks after a funeral everyone floods around you asking if your ok .
then they all dissapear and expect you to be leading a normal life again
nutsred sends everyone a big hug on here who miss's a loved one :love:
Quote by Sgt Bilko
I think all these experiences go towards making us the people that we are now (all part of lifes rich tapestry).
We never forget those loved ones that we have lost, and nor would we want to, but somehow we adapt and learn to cope. When my time comes I hope people will celebrate my life rather than mourning my death.
yes i agree with sarge!.....................only because i am creeping around him at the mo
But they do live on!....................in are memories......................................my fathers has been gone now for 17 years on Thursday!..........which i will go and show my respects
i loved him dearly and still do............. bloody hell i am crying now! :cry: :cry: :cry:
but its makes you think that life is to short and you have to make the most of it whilst you can........... my father was only 63 no age really
I have come so close to dieing my self!.....and have had a few ops .but thanks to the NHS i am still here!..... And fully recovered!
But when my time comes!.......................... i want a pink by a flote with nude peeps singing............... here she comes just a walking down the street singing ooo didy dum didey dum.......... a wake that lasts for a weekend so every one can have a good time and a laugh
At the church when they bring the coiffing in i want playing ..........she will be coming round the mountain when she comes
ooo well better go and find some flowers for me dads memorial :(
Sometimes it takes a while to start. When every day you are willing someone to die to ease their suffering, such is the relief afterwards that the whole funeral thing can pass in something of a daze. Then it takes months before you start to really remember the live person, and then at odd moments grieving turns up and hits you out of the blue.
Quote by musketeer
Sometimes it takes a while to start. When every day you are willing someone to die to ease their suffering, such is the relief afterwards that the whole funeral thing can pass in something of a daze. Then it takes months before you start to really remember the live person, and then at odd moments grieving turns up and hits you out of the blue.
I no what you mean by hitting you out the blue!......................... i lost my cat over 18 years ago!............................... and sometimes upps there we go.. i get that pain!............... also the most dearest thing i lost recently... was my duckling!..............it took me over a year in waiting for my 2 ducks to produce it.........................and it was lovely but it died only 2days old i cried buckets ........................... i couldn't Barrie it for a while as i couldn't bring my self to see it!...so i kept it in the welley bin that we dint use and wrapped it up in hay...................but the kids capt getting it out a showing every one!............little monkeys!........so i got Mr Debbs to barried it
Thing that pisses me off in a way is that my gran never had a headstone or anywhere could go to after, some of the wanky members of the family had known about a memorial service held in the marie curie cancer ward where she had died but the fucking arseholes never told the rest of us! Their reason " we didnt think you would have been able tomake it!!" I was so angry and still am about that they didnt even give us the option.
Its kinda weird now because its 3 years on and as some of you have said things get easier and I used to think about her all the time but less now but always still remember her.
Its kinda weird now because its 3 years on and as some of you have said things get easier and I used to think about her all the time but less now but always still remember her.
A perception on life
A few years ago, i lost my grandfather and had the job of telling my kids that there great grandfather had died. I used the scenario for them telling them that life is like a glove. We live our lives inside a glove and when the time comes the "person" leaves the glove to go wherever each individual believes.
My kids were comforted with this, but it was only until recently that i actually experienced how close i feel i was to the truth.
My own mam, fought for life, long and hard. But what i witnessed in the days prior to her death was a struggle. The struggle to cling to herself physically. At only one point in 8 days prior to her death were her family (by that i mean my dad and her kids) all asleep at the one time. It was the time she was able to pass. What is exceptional in this however, is that i have witnessed the same struggle for life in the birth of a child.
After the death of my mam, i used the same analogy for the kids, the glove. Only difference was that when i looked at my mam lying in her peace, i knew that the glove was all that was left on this earth. The person who made my mam, my mam, had indeed departed. It got me thinking and only later did it all seem so clear.
I wouldn't go to her grave. The rest of the family were visiting the grave religiously and my father maybe 3 or 4 times a day. And yet, i didn't go. For a while if was very concerned with myself as it appeared that i wasn't showing "normal" signs of grieving. Then i realised, i didn't have to go to visit a grave to feel close to my mam. I am genetically entirely made up of her. She is, a whole half of who i am. She is therefor inherently part of who i am. The glove, the body, is all that remains on this earth. I feel closer to my mam now, than i ever ever have done in my whole life.
I miss the physical contact of the cuddles and the being there, yes, but i am extrememly comforted with the knowledge that she is in my heart whenever i so chose. I hope i don't sound like a religious freak, or that i'm giving some sort of sermon, because this has nothing to do with religion. (being a freak i will leave for yourselves to decide) It, seems to me, to be all about perspectives on life. My mam died on her birthday.
With love, hugs and kisses,
Little
XXX
A few years ago, i lost my grandfather and had the job of telling my kids that there great grandfather had died. I used the scenario for them telling them that life is like a glove. We live our lives inside a glove and when the time comes the "person" leaves the glove to go wherever each individual believes.
My kids were comforted with this, but it was only until recently that i actually experienced how close i feel i was to the truth.
My own mam, fought for life, long and hard. But what i witnessed in the days prior to her death was a struggle. The struggle to cling to herself physically. At only one point in 8 days prior to her death were her family (by that i mean my dad and her kids) all asleep at the one time. It was the time she was able to pass. What is exceptional in this however, is that i have witnessed the same struggle for life in the birth of a child.
After the death of my mam, i used the same analogy for the kids, the glove. Only difference was that when i looked at my mam lying in her peace, i knew that the glove was all that was left on this earth. The person who made my mam, my mam, had indeed departed. It got me thinking and only later did it all seem so clear.
I wouldn't go to her grave. The rest of the family were visiting the grave religiously and my father maybe 3 or 4 times a day. And yet, i didn't go. For a while if was very concerned with myself as it appeared that i wasn't showing "normal" signs of grieving. Then i realised, i didn't have to go to visit a grave to feel close to my mam. I am genetically entirely made up of her. She is, a whole half of who i am. She is therefor inherently part of who i am. The glove, the body, is all that remains on this earth. I feel closer to my mam now, than i ever ever have done in my whole life.
I miss the physical contact of the cuddles and the being there, yes, but i am extrememly comforted with the knowledge that she is in my heart whenever i so chose. I hope i don't sound like a religious freak, or that i'm giving some sort of sermon, because this has nothing to do with religion. (being a freak i will leave for yourselves to decide) It, seems to me, to be all about perspectives on life. My mam died on her birthday.
With love, hugs and kisses,
Little
XXX
Can see your point I probably wouldnt have went to her grave a lot tbh as since she died I can still barely visit my grandads house. Ive had a couple of experiences of death too.
I young man I worked with a few years ago in my previous job had some sort of brain disorder which was never really clarified exatly what it was but it was hard to watch as the whole time he was going downhill and was only 21. I think the worst part is that I seen how so many of his choices had been taken away from him because of his illness. Which I suppose brings me on to another subject. In a way I think everyone around him felt a great relief when he did pass as awful as that is to say but he had no life at the end. Best thing is that we did have a few laughs during the time we worked with him he could be such a shithead as well haha cause trouble in an empty room sorta thing which I think he always kind of regained that spark about him even though you could see sometimes he just wanted to give up. Very sad
I young man I worked with a few years ago in my previous job had some sort of brain disorder which was never really clarified exatly what it was but it was hard to watch as the whole time he was going downhill and was only 21. I think the worst part is that I seen how so many of his choices had been taken away from him because of his illness. Which I suppose brings me on to another subject. In a way I think everyone around him felt a great relief when he did pass as awful as that is to say but he had no life at the end. Best thing is that we did have a few laughs during the time we worked with him he could be such a shithead as well haha cause trouble in an empty room sorta thing which I think he always kind of regained that spark about him even though you could see sometimes he just wanted to give up. Very sad
Sex God
i've wanting to respond to this for a while, but for once the writing of it escaped me. and then there's the shall i, shan't i post it . . . .
calista's right i think. time itself only heals because you learn coping strategies. whether that's remembering the good times, or going through total rage at the person for being selfish enough to die and leave you, whatever works at the time, and helps you move on through the stages of grief, and reach acceptance, is valid. it can be a damn long process.
last year was the 25th anniversary of my father's death. as it approached i found myself increasingly racked by hysterical sobbing. like i cannot tell you . . . i do not normally cry over it anymore, and couldn't understand why just one more anniversary had reduced me to that. i thought that was long past.
i had to go through a process of grief again, as an adult, and recover from it, again. whatever strategies i'd used to cope before had stopped working, and there it was, as raw as the day it happened. in fact worse, cos as an adult i understand the loss more than i did as a child, and had to learn adult coping with his loss, waiting to die as a 36 year old father of two and husband, every bit as much as my own loss of him.
i've run out of things to say . . . . .
n x x x ;-)
calista's right i think. time itself only heals because you learn coping strategies. whether that's remembering the good times, or going through total rage at the person for being selfish enough to die and leave you, whatever works at the time, and helps you move on through the stages of grief, and reach acceptance, is valid. it can be a damn long process.
last year was the 25th anniversary of my father's death. as it approached i found myself increasingly racked by hysterical sobbing. like i cannot tell you . . . i do not normally cry over it anymore, and couldn't understand why just one more anniversary had reduced me to that. i thought that was long past.
i had to go through a process of grief again, as an adult, and recover from it, again. whatever strategies i'd used to cope before had stopped working, and there it was, as raw as the day it happened. in fact worse, cos as an adult i understand the loss more than i did as a child, and had to learn adult coping with his loss, waiting to die as a 36 year old father of two and husband, every bit as much as my own loss of him.
i've run out of things to say . . . . .
n x x x ;-)
Quote by neilinleeds
i've wanting to respond to this for a while, but for once the writing of it escaped me. and then there's the shall i, shan't i post it . . . .
calista's right i think. time itself only heals because you learn coping strategies. whether that's remembering the good times, or going through total rage at the person for being selfish enough to die and leave you, whatever works at the time, and helps you move on through the stages of grief, and reach acceptance, is valid. it can be a damn long process.
last year was the 25th anniversary of my father's death. as it approached i found myself increasingly racked by hysterical sobbing. like i cannot tell you . . . i do not normally cry over it anymore, and couldn't understand why just one more anniversary had reduced me to that. i thought that was long past.
i had to go through a process of grief again, as an adult, and recover from it, again. whatever strategies i'd used to cope before had stopped working, and there it was, as raw as the day it happened. in fact worse, cos as an adult i understand the loss more than i did as a child, and had to learn adult coping with his loss, waiting to die as a 36 year old father of two and husband, every bit as much as my own loss of him.
i've run out of things to say . . . . .
n x x x ;-)
:upset: MMMMMMMMMMMMmwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaa
How wierd that this should be the first post that I have read today......
My Grandfather passed away yesterday morning aged 90 years old..... He had been ill for some time (he had his first stroke Christmas 2000 and lots since) and in the last 3 weeks of his life he was very very poorly... So like many have mentioned already it is such a relief that he is now without pain.... However, the pain of him actually having gone is heart breaking, especially for my Nan who had been his constant companion for 76 years... He was an immensely proud man who stood by me through times when my parents should have but didn't....
He was the sort of man that always wore a tie at home and if he went out he wore a bow tie instead.... I would like to think that everyone in heaven was wearing bow ties to greet him....
Debbiewebs and Corrie.... I'm with you on the funeral thing... I want a disco and some serious drinking to take place, no mourning just celebrations of life...
Calista I send a huge
as the loss of a child is one of the hardest things to bear...
Dave_Notts Thank you for starting this thread as reading everyone elses experiences have helped...
Shireen
xxx
My Grandfather passed away yesterday morning aged 90 years old..... He had been ill for some time (he had his first stroke Christmas 2000 and lots since) and in the last 3 weeks of his life he was very very poorly... So like many have mentioned already it is such a relief that he is now without pain.... However, the pain of him actually having gone is heart breaking, especially for my Nan who had been his constant companion for 76 years... He was an immensely proud man who stood by me through times when my parents should have but didn't....
He was the sort of man that always wore a tie at home and if he went out he wore a bow tie instead.... I would like to think that everyone in heaven was wearing bow ties to greet him....
Debbiewebs and Corrie.... I'm with you on the funeral thing... I want a disco and some serious drinking to take place, no mourning just celebrations of life...
Calista I send a huge
as the loss of a child is one of the hardest things to bear...Dave_Notts
Thank you for starting this thread as reading everyone elses experiences have helped...Shireen
xxx
I lost a very good mate some years ago, to a drunk driver, I still miss him- he was a great character- I sometimes find myself thinking-'Terry would love this--' or 'wonder what Terry would think of this??' I guess that some of the hurt never goes away, time just makes it bearable- but I feel that as long as we remember loved ones that have passed on- then in a way- theyre still with us---
Sex God
I shouldn't be reading this thread because it has wound me up again. I'm almost a blubbering wreck now.
Last night/early hours of this morning a close long time frined of mine has been in a traffic accident. He is in a critical but stable condition in hospital.
At the moment no news is good news.
<<<<<hugs>>>>>>>>> to everyone who has suffered loss and has been brave enough to post about it.
:therethere:
Last night/early hours of this morning a close long time frined of mine has been in a traffic accident. He is in a critical but stable condition in hospital.
At the moment no news is good news.
<<<<<hugs>>>>>>>>> to everyone who has suffered loss and has been brave enough to post about it.
:therethere:
Sex God
Thanks shireen
Not heard anything as yet but when I do, for better or worse I'll post it.
Not heard anything as yet but when I do, for better or worse I'll post it.
Quote by fem_manc-cpl
Thanks shireen
Not heard anything as yet but when I do, for better or worse I'll post it.
Please do, but remember that you have friends who you can turn to if you need to hun
Quote by Dave__Notts
I hope this thread has helped sweetheart and my sympathies go out to you at this time.
Take care hun.
Dave_Notts
It has Dave more than you know and thank you :kiss:
Shireen
xxx
At this point I am now a blubbering wreck :cry: I really shouldn't have started reading this thread !
My mum died 16years ago this Christmas .... and the number of times i have thought to myself ... 'if only my Mum could see my children now - how proud she would have been'.
It's at times like this that i miss havin someone to hold me tight and wipe away my tears.
Dave_Notts thank you for starting this thread ... Hugs n ksses to all those who have suffered a loss :kiss:
Lucy xxxxx
My mum died 16years ago this Christmas ....
and the number of times i have thought to myself ... 'if only my Mum could see my children now - how proud she would have been'.It's at times like this that i miss havin someone to hold me tight and wipe away my tears.
Dave_Notts thank you for starting this thread
... Hugs n ksses to all those who have suffered a loss :kiss:Lucy xxxxx
