Top Tips !!!

27 Aug 2004

My favourite part of Viz was the Top Tips. (I say was because I haven't read it for years now)
My favourite Top Tip was something like this:
Don't pay for expensive carpets. Get two squares of sample carpet, fit straps on them so that you can wear them on your feet, then have all the comfort of new carpet, but none of the cost !!! lol

:lol: :lol:
So what is your favourite Top Tip (Viz or non Viz) ??

27 Aug 2004

OMG I loved the Viz top tips!!!!! Used to love the little cartoon 'Planet Bore' too :lol2:
Gawd, just looked on that site and have only got to top tip number 3 and now cant read for laughing

:rotflmao: :rotflmao:
GRATED cheddar cheese from the supermarket can be squashed tightly together with the fingers to produce a block of cheese, ready for slicing or grating
MEN Can't get a blow job? Simply strip bollock naked, plonk yourself arse-first into an empty dustbin, and you should be able to do it yourself. Use a pile of tyres instead of a dustbin if you require deep throat
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:
Off to read some more!

27 Aug 2004

It's years since I read Viz as well .....
DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.
One of my faves

27 Aug 2004

Grrrr gotta join that site!!!!!!
But have found some more :bounce: Oh god Sarge, I'm gonna be in this thread forever!!!!
Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your
chin into a bowl of iron filings

27 Aug 2004

Loved this one:
JEREMY Beadle When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.
lol

:lol: :lol: :lol:

27 Aug 2004

its no good!.................have to come back on this one!.................... boy going to have to use me brains!.....................now................. where are thay! dunno

27 Aug 2004

LADIES! Putting your mouth and chin inside a pint glass and sucking hard for three minutes is an excellent way to give yourself a "Fred Flintstone" five o'clock shadow.
lol

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
Love
Wilma
x x x x

27 Aug 2004

Record the sound of your wife having an orgasm, and then listen to the tape through headphones next time you make love. That way you can have sex without waking her up.
Well its the best i can do at this time of night! rolleyes

27 Aug 2004

Creased up here, just love em :lol2:
AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
Office workers. Avoid distractions from your important paperwork by making "blinkers" out of two Post-It note stickers, one stuck to each temple.
Werewolf enthusiasts. get that "wolfy" feeling every night by simply gluing a paper plate to your bedroom window.

:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:

27 Aug 2004

LADIES! Putting your mouth and chin inside a pint glass and sucking hard for three minutes is an excellent way to give yourself a "Fred Flintstone" five o'clock shadow.

aahhhhhh! even in his absence Fred's fame spreads! and they seem to have entirely the right idea! i can't possibly mention the deaf people / oven glove thing! it would be far too unPC! i've just bloody wet meself tho! nice one sarge!
neil ;-)

27 Aug 2004

bugger! too late! really must get used to this refresh button thing! rotflmao

neil ;-)

27 Aug 2004

ONE ARMED men. If your partner is thinking about getting breast implants, convince her to save money and only get one done.
lol

27 Aug 2004

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
ooooooooooooooo i am on a roll here! :bounce: :bounce: :bounce:
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
oooooooooooooo i love this! :bounce: :bounce:

27 Aug 2004

I can neilinleeds
DEAF PEOPLE Wearing oven gloves outdoors is an ideal way to stop strangers from eavesdropping on your conversation
Love
Wilma
x x x x

27 Aug 2004

BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
Going to bed, stitches intact!!!! - just!
Love
Wilma
x x x x

27 Aug 2004

VULCANOLOGISTS If you are ever caught in a volcanic eruption, remember to jump up and down so that your feet are not constantly in the molten lava flow.
DEPRESSED people Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
WORM farmers Double your yield by simply cutting every worm in half. Hey presto! Each half will grow into a new worm.

:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:

27 Aug 2004

Save a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam. They will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence.
lol

I regularly drive to the pub, but am never guilty of drink driving. The secret is to consume so much alcohol that by closing time you have completely forgotten ever owning a car.
ooooooooooooooooooo got to stop!..pms here!

27 Aug 2004

Quote by Angel Chat
Double your yield by simply cutting your worm in half.

:shock: :shock: :shock:
that can't be right can it? and they only think to tell us now???? < sigh >
neil x x x ;-)

28 Aug 2004

GENTLEMEN Speed up your lovemaking by playing Benny Hill's theme tune 'Yackety Sax' in the bedroom.
Just found that one,i can't remember any from when i used to read it,must find an old annual

28 Aug 2004

Mmmm, not sure about this one:
BI-CURIOUS men. Go to a male doctor and complain of rectal bleeding. The resultant erotic anal probe will be a safe way to find out whether gayness is really for you.
confused

:? :?

:lol: :lol: :lol:

28 Aug 2004

Quote by Sgt Bilko
Mmmm, not sure about this one:
BI-CURIOUS men. Go to a male doctor and complain of rectal bleeding. The resultant erotic anal probe will be a safe way to find out whether gayness is really for you.
:? :? :lol: :lol: :lol:

Dare Ya!
Love
Wilma
x x x x

28 Aug 2004

Quote by MISSCHIEF
Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your
chin into a bowl of iron filings

That's how I got this don't you know! lol

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

28 Aug 2004

:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:
Is that why you have your hand to your face? Cos the magnet is only in the other side of your mouth? :lol2:

28 Aug 2004

Quote by Angel Chat
DEPRESSED people Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

I knew someone who was very depressed and tried to OD on 100 paracetamol, but after taking two he started to feel a bit better wink

28 Aug 2004

How to catch a Polar Bear:
Get some leeks from the greengrocer.
Head north.
Cut a large hole in the ice, and place the leeks all around the edge.
When the Polar Bear comes to take a leek, kick him in the icehole.

29 Aug 2004

Foil pick pockets by placing a freshly toasted "Pop Tart" in each pocket. Would-be thieves will quickly rupture the fragile pastry and receive nasty finger burns from the steaming hot jam inside. lol

29 Aug 2004

Newly Weds: Save money on a vidographer and have your reception near a CCTV camera!