When do you know you can really truly trust someone? or value them as a friend?
There's people I've known for a while, I've thought I'd trusted them and valued them as a friend but they turn out to be not what you expect.
On the other hand, there's a number of people (even some I haven't met (but will do :grin: )) who I've built up a friendship with and can talk to about abs. anything, and would really trust them and know if I confided it wouldn't go any further.
Maybe I'm being naive, but when do you know that that someone is actually an 'acquaintance' and not a friend?
At what point can you 100% trust someone, or can you really ever 100% trust someone?? :dry:
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Trust and friendship
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I couldn't tell you... I think that we all make mistakes.
I work by the motto 'never give more than you can afford to lose' I think that may be cynical. But something is not truly secret or private if more than one person knows.
There are lots of things that I wouldn't like others to know and I trust that the people involved would respect my wishes. I can't really hold them responsible if they thought, in the situation that they were in, that it was appropriate to tell someone else about it. I would just choose my 'audience' more appropriately next time. I am responsible for my choices.
There was an incident that occurred with some friends of mine on here a couple of years ago. Initially it looked like they had betrayed me. It became clear that the other person involved had some mental health problems, tied up with a fascination with the male friend of mine. It could very easily have ended what has now become a primary friendship for me. Sometimes we all make mistakes. I certainly do.
in edit- as I realise that I waffled off the point.
yes it is possible to 100% trust people. Even if they make a different choice to you. I think the trust is that their intention is good and positive.
I also rarely think of people as my 'friends' I may refer to them as friends because in their view of the world that is what they are. But my friends are actually my family as I have no family. So the people who refer to themselves as my friends are more probably whom I would think of as acquaintances.
I work by the motto 'never give more than you can afford to lose' I think that may be cynical. But something is not truly secret or private if more than one person knows.
There are lots of things that I wouldn't like others to know and I trust that the people involved would respect my wishes. I can't really hold them responsible if they thought, in the situation that they were in, that it was appropriate to tell someone else about it. I would just choose my 'audience' more appropriately next time. I am responsible for my choices.
There was an incident that occurred with some friends of mine on here a couple of years ago. Initially it looked like they had betrayed me. It became clear that the other person involved had some mental health problems, tied up with a fascination with the male friend of mine. It could very easily have ended what has now become a primary friendship for me. Sometimes we all make mistakes. I certainly do.
in edit- as I realise that I waffled off the point.
yes it is possible to 100% trust people. Even if they make a different choice to you. I think the trust is that their intention is good and positive.
I also rarely think of people as my 'friends' I may refer to them as friends because in their view of the world that is what they are. But my friends are actually my family as I have no family. So the people who refer to themselves as my friends are more probably whom I would think of as acquaintances.
Quote by jaymar
When do you know you can really truly trust someone? or value them as a friend?
There's people I've known for a while, I've thought I'd trusted them and valued them as a friend but they turn out to be not what you expect.
On the other hand, there's a number of people (even some I haven't met (but will do :grin: )) who I've built up a friendship with and can talk to about abs. anything, and would really trust them and know if I confided it wouldn't go any further.
Maybe I'm being naive, but when do you know that that someone is actually an 'acquaintance' and not a friend?
At what point can you 100% trust someone, or can you really ever 100% trust someone?? :dry:
The best answer has to be, dont fully trust anyone, that way you cannot be let down. Or not as bad as if you completly trusted someone.
Quote by kentswingers777
When do you know you can really truly trust someone? or value them as a friend?
There's people I've known for a while, I've thought I'd trusted them and valued them as a friend but they turn out to be not what you expect.
On the other hand, there's a number of people (even some I haven't met (but will do :grin: )) who I've built up a friendship with and can talk to about abs. anything, and would really trust them and know if I confided it wouldn't go any further.
Maybe I'm being naive, but when do you know that that someone is actually an 'acquaintance' and not a friend?
At what point can you 100% trust someone, or can you really ever 100% trust someone?? :dry:
The best answer has to be, dont fully trust anyone, that way you cannot be let down. Or not as bad as if you completly trusted someone.[/quote
Yes I kind of agree with that.
From my own experiences ive found that I can only trust my family 100% (mother, father, sister) no one else.
Sex God
Quote by kentswingers777
The best answer has to be, dont fully trust anyone, that way you cannot be let down. Or not as bad as if you completly trusted someone.
Amen to that
I quite like Kent's advice... and Splendid yours too (and no, you weren't waffling off track lol) I very much liked your comment about friends/family, I can see how that be, I used to have a best mate who was like a sister to me, she hurt me deeply now I don't allow friends as close as that again. I still end up trusting people too much though.
I think not to trust anyone 100% is defo safer but it's hard when your the type of person that gives everything to a friendship. I will learn I guess, I've been bitten more times than enough and I've vowed before never again.. then I do.
I'm just a soft touch
I think not to trust anyone 100% is defo safer but it's hard when your the type of person that gives everything to a friendship. I will learn I guess, I've been bitten more times than enough and I've vowed before never again.. then I do.
I'm just a soft touch
Sex God
Trusting people is worth the effort until proven wrong at which point it hurts and there is the feeling of betrayal etc. I think its worth the pain. The benefits of finding a person you can trust is immeasurable and life long possibly. If it so happens that you get a knock then get, up brush down and move on. Living life with suspicion has to be worse than not.
If I feel I can trust someone right from my first instinctive feeling then I give them 100% trust. If they fuck me over then yes I may get hurt but I still feel better about myself. They are the toerags for breaking my trust not me for giving it.
And yes, I've been hurt lots of times but the ratio is still in favour of giving the trust... plus it gives me a warm feeling to trust someone, after all we all need someone we can spill our guts to.
And yes, I've been hurt lots of times but the ratio is still in favour of giving the trust... plus it gives me a warm feeling to trust someone, after all we all need someone we can spill our guts to.
Quote by jaymar
I quite like Kent's advice... and Splendid yours too (and no, you weren't waffling off track lol) I very much liked your comment about friends/family, I can see how that be, I used to have a best mate who was like a sister to me, she hurt me deeply now I don't allow friends as close as that again. I still end up trusting people too much though.
I think not to trust anyone 100% is defo safer but it's hard when your the type of person that gives everything to a friendship. I will learn I guess, I've been bitten more times than enough and I've vowed before never again.. then I do.
I'm just a soft touch
Thats very close to what I would have posted I think :?
It does work two ways at times though, not just one half of a friendship hurts when it fails. I just wished it was easier to move on from
Sorry, but I can't agree with the general tone of the advice being given here - which seems to be that you should never trust anyone fully - as that way you can't be hurt as badly as if you had.
We should never forget that trust - like love - is always a gamble. And it's a gamble worth taking (shit, is that a line from a song??)
Yes, the pain of someone abusing, misusing or generally badly handling your trust is immense
BUT
the comfort, pleasure and joy that can be found in a loyal and trusted friend is, without a shadow of a doubt, so great a reward for your trust that it's worth the risk.
We should never forget that trust - like love - is always a gamble. And it's a gamble worth taking (shit, is that a line from a song??)
Yes, the pain of someone abusing, misusing or generally badly handling your trust is immense
BUT
the comfort, pleasure and joy that can be found in a loyal and trusted friend is, without a shadow of a doubt, so great a reward for your trust that it's worth the risk.
Quote by Laff_n_Chilli
Sorry, but I can't agree with the general tone of the advice being given here - which seems to be that you should never trust anyone fully - as that way you can't be hurt as badly as if you had.
We should never forget that trust - like love - is always a gamble. And it's a gamble worth taking (shit, is that a line from a song??)
Yes, the pain of someone abusing, misusing or generally badly handling your trust is immense
BUT
the comfort, pleasure and joy that can be found in a loyal and trusted friend is, without a shadow of a doubt, so great a reward for your trust that it's worth the risk.
That is true and both can hurt when your trust is broken. I have had many " friends " over the years and each one in their own ways have taken the piss and abused my trust. I am very wary now to get that close. Even love ones can prove not to be trusted.
I am quite difficult to get close too and find it hard to trust anyone, there are a couple of exceptions. Of course love and trust are a gamble but like with a lot of gamblers they usually end up being losers. By that I mean either losing money or friends and sometimes even partners and spouses. Getting close to trusting someone 100%, is a big gamble and I am not a gambler.
I tend not to get hurt that way. There are many degrees of "closeness" between friends. it's our way of life to choose, differentiate & categorize friendships to our own ends
It's hard to give any one answer that will sum up how you can trust anyone at anyone time!
Like splendsplaff the 'never give more than you can afford to lose' & kents 'don't fully trust anyone, that way you cannot be let down.' approach serves a purpose but there are times when the kid in me wants to just open up & enjoy people for who they are & for them to enjoy me and see as dependable person & confidant if need be
But to be this candid you need a very thick skin & a 6th sense for who you want to trust & be trusted by
To that end many a close & not so close I have left alone in my home with that trust that they would feel for me if they were to allow me the same privilege
To trust someone friend or stranger, you need to feel that they can trust you
It's hard to give any one answer that will sum up how you can trust anyone at anyone time!
Like splendsplaff the 'never give more than you can afford to lose' & kents 'don't fully trust anyone, that way you cannot be let down.' approach serves a purpose but there are times when the kid in me wants to just open up & enjoy people for who they are & for them to enjoy me and see as dependable person & confidant if need be
But to be this candid you need a very thick skin & a 6th sense for who you want to trust & be trusted by
To that end many a close & not so close I have left alone in my home with that trust that they would feel for me if they were to allow me the same privilege
To trust someone friend or stranger, you need to feel that they can trust you
Sex God
sometimes im way to trusting..especially with people ive been good to..i think ,they wouldnt want to shit on a pal...but funny thing is ...sometimes they do just that...still you always have the fun of finding out and knowing who your real friends are.. and that can be sweeter than the shit that lets you down
staggy
staggy
Quote by Peanut
If I feel I can trust someone right from my first instinctive feeling then I give them 100% trust. If they fuck me over then yes I may get hurt but I still feel better about myself. They are the toerags for breaking my trust not me for giving it.
And yes, I've been hurt lots of times but the ratio is still in favour of giving the trust... plus it gives me a warm feeling to trust someone, after all we all need someone we can spill our guts to.
Totally agree :thumbup: My first impressions of people is crap, so am careful about who I trust. Been burnt loads of times - but the friendships gained more than makes up for it.
Don't let people who've betrayed you have more emotional impact than the people who love you. Closing yourself off to people, lets the person who betrayed you, think they have influence over you. They're not worth giving that satisfaction. Totally blanking their existance, drives that kind of person nuts - even if you don't notice cos you've blanked them from your life!
There again, when I've heard someone maliciously gossiping about a so called friend - it kind of says a lot more about them as a person, far more interesting than the gossip they're divulging. Having to rely on betraying 'friends' for any kind of attention, must leave you with less friends than ever, next to none I would say
Hmm. Bloody tough one this!
Having been very isolated and not really making friends at school left me in a position where when we moved to Kent, I knew no-one. Then we moved into a small village where I eventually started making friends, both there & outside. Within a couple of years I made a few friends that I thought were really close, and I would gpo out of my way for them.
Over a period of about 6 months, one by one, systematically, they shat on me- some from a greater height than others. It left me very guarded for a long time.
Then I went to college, which changed me a great deal. I made one friend I knew I could trust, and another "close" freind who I instinctively knew was "fairweather" but we enjoyed eachothers company.
A couple of years ago, I had my faith in men severely dented by one particular guy on the ship. I took him at his word that he wasn't going to try it on if we had a drink together. He very lied.
After that, I became far more cynical. But then I decided that I didn't like the person he'd turned me into, so I opened up again & started to trust.
But now it looks like someone I'd have staked my life on being utterly, totally trustworthy, may have taken me for a mug. I've trusted him-literally- with my kids lives. I believed we were really, really close friends. If it turns out I was wrong about him, then I've screwed up bigtime. Who knows how it will affect my ability to trust?
But there are a couple of people on here who I believe are real confidantes, and I trust them with anything. In fact, so much so that I may well bestow my deepest, darkest secret upon them. Why? Because in not doing so, I'm keeping a part of me from them.
Chances are I'm way too trusting. As the song goes "No one is completely on your side..." and I think thats true, for them to be so would mean that even when a conflict of interest occurs, they put your needs/wants first. Although that happens, it's bloody rare.
Mar
Having been very isolated and not really making friends at school left me in a position where when we moved to Kent, I knew no-one. Then we moved into a small village where I eventually started making friends, both there & outside. Within a couple of years I made a few friends that I thought were really close, and I would gpo out of my way for them.
Over a period of about 6 months, one by one, systematically, they shat on me- some from a greater height than others. It left me very guarded for a long time.
Then I went to college, which changed me a great deal. I made one friend I knew I could trust, and another "close" freind who I instinctively knew was "fairweather" but we enjoyed eachothers company.
A couple of years ago, I had my faith in men severely dented by one particular guy on the ship. I took him at his word that he wasn't going to try it on if we had a drink together. He very lied.
After that, I became far more cynical. But then I decided that I didn't like the person he'd turned me into, so I opened up again & started to trust.
But now it looks like someone I'd have staked my life on being utterly, totally trustworthy, may have taken me for a mug. I've trusted him-literally- with my kids lives. I believed we were really, really close friends. If it turns out I was wrong about him, then I've screwed up bigtime. Who knows how it will affect my ability to trust?
But there are a couple of people on here who I believe are real confidantes, and I trust them with anything. In fact, so much so that I may well bestow my deepest, darkest secret upon them. Why? Because in not doing so, I'm keeping a part of me from them.
Chances are I'm way too trusting. As the song goes "No one is completely on your side..." and I think thats true, for them to be so would mean that even when a conflict of interest occurs, they put your needs/wants first. Although that happens, it's bloody rare.
Mar
Sex God
Quote by Laff_n_Chilli
BUT
the comfort, pleasure and joy that can be found in a loyal and trusted friend is, without a shadow of a doubt, so great a reward for your trust that it's worth the risk.
But
Who is to be considered 'loyal and trusted'?
I think Mar is asking who do you consider a friend and who do you consider an aquaintance.
I agree and god forbid, this is happening too often lately
, with Kent.I have loads of aquaintances who call me friend but I wouldnt trust most of them as far as I could throw them! If they want to call me friend thats up to them and if Im honest it is quite flattering to know people trust meenough to think of me like that. The reason I get the title of friend is that they know they can come to me and talk in confidence and know it means just that.
My Family and best friend of over 30 years I would trust with my life and have had to do over the years.
My Friends are the people who know me inside out, who will always be there no matter what and vice versa.
Im very fussy who I call friend and in whom I put trust.
This got me thinking. I really have only one friend who I would trust with my life, and that's my other half. He has gone out of his way to make me happy and makes my days shine.
I have lots of "mates" but not who I would call real friends. Have been hurt big time over the years, and more so when my late hubby was ill and then passed away. Because he was an alcoholic, my "mates" judged both him and I, and my other half never did - he knew both of us and treated him like a person, not an alkie. The rest didn't bother with me, and after he died said "let me know if you need anything" and when I did, they were "too busy" I only wanted a chat on the phone with one, one day, and they couldn't be bothered.. yet I had lent them loads of money and was always there when I was needed.
I am SO careful who I trust, my family is spread all over the country with no-one close, and sometimes I do feel isolated. But I would rather be isolated than being messed about..
:therethere: sometimes I need a hug, but can have my cats!!! (mind you... they're fickle too!)
I have lots of "mates" but not who I would call real friends. Have been hurt big time over the years, and more so when my late hubby was ill and then passed away. Because he was an alcoholic, my "mates" judged both him and I, and my other half never did - he knew both of us and treated him like a person, not an alkie. The rest didn't bother with me, and after he died said "let me know if you need anything" and when I did, they were "too busy" I only wanted a chat on the phone with one, one day, and they couldn't be bothered.. yet I had lent them loads of money and was always there when I was needed.
I am SO careful who I trust, my family is spread all over the country with no-one close, and sometimes I do feel isolated. But I would rather be isolated than being messed about..
:therethere: sometimes I need a hug, but can have my cats!!! (mind you... they're fickle too!)
Sex God
I guess I used to be a lot more trusting of people than I am now. After trusting a number of people that I shouldn't have done I've learnt that you need to be very careful who you can and can't trust, i guess I just learn it the hard way
When I first joined here I was very trusting of a couple who I thought understood the importance of not gossiping about some of the things I told them. Unfortunately this was not the case and as soon as the realised that I wasn't going to shag them they went off telling all and sundry about my private life. The knock on effect of what they did was massive and made me have to make some major changes in my life. At the time I was devastated by what had happened and although I didn't find out immediately that it was them who had breeched my trust, when I did I was even more upset. After I'd calmed down more about the situation I did try to discuss it with the people involved but they have refused to discus it. For about 6 months after it happened I was very angry and upset that the thoughtlessness and idle gossip had caused me to change my life so dramatically......now when I think about it I just think that it's changed my life rather than ruined it and to a certain extend made my life better as I wouldn't be where it is now without what happened.
Whilst I do now trust far fewer people to the level that I had done previously, I'm also a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and if I hadn't have placed my trust in someone I shouldn't have done then I wouldn't be where I am and to be honest, lifes looking pretty rosey right now
Not sure if that really answers you question Mar but that's my rambling for the day :)
When I first joined here I was very trusting of a couple who I thought understood the importance of not gossiping about some of the things I told them. Unfortunately this was not the case and as soon as the realised that I wasn't going to shag them they went off telling all and sundry about my private life. The knock on effect of what they did was massive and made me have to make some major changes in my life. At the time I was devastated by what had happened and although I didn't find out immediately that it was them who had breeched my trust, when I did I was even more upset. After I'd calmed down more about the situation I did try to discuss it with the people involved but they have refused to discus it. For about 6 months after it happened I was very angry and upset that the thoughtlessness and idle gossip had caused me to change my life so dramatically......now when I think about it I just think that it's changed my life rather than ruined it and to a certain extend made my life better as I wouldn't be where it is now without what happened.
Whilst I do now trust far fewer people to the level that I had done previously, I'm also a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and if I hadn't have placed my trust in someone I shouldn't have done then I wouldn't be where I am and to be honest, lifes looking pretty rosey right now
Not sure if that really answers you question Mar but that's my rambling for the day :)
if i make a friend then they become a friend were i feel i can tell them most things .
'acquaintance' i would say were people i just met socially to say hi to .
trust in a friendship is very in portend to me and i just don't feel there many people i would trust i would have to know them for quit a bit before i trust them with some thing that meant a lot to me as people have already said once bitten and it take a lot to trust again. so for me i would be the one to say be careful very careful they people out just for there self .this i have learned all to often on hear iam sorry to say. but if we let it get to us we would never find them special friends .shazxx
'acquaintance' i would say were people i just met socially to say hi to .
trust in a friendship is very in portend to me and i just don't feel there many people i would trust i would have to know them for quit a bit before i trust them with some thing that meant a lot to me as people have already said once bitten and it take a lot to trust again. so for me i would be the one to say be careful very careful they people out just for there self .this i have learned all to often on hear iam sorry to say. but if we let it get to us we would never find them special friends .shazxx
Sex God
There are very few people who i'd call a friend
I only ever truely trust myself
I have 2 very good friends who know most things about me i trust them alot but not fully
I only ever truely trust myself
I have 2 very good friends who know most things about me i trust them alot but not fully
Quote by winchwench
Mar
W... thank you :kiss:
And to everyone else.. thank you for your thoughtful comments.
Mixed responses but one thing is common is that it would seem we've all been there, all been hurt and let down at some stage in our lives.
I guess that old saying stands out "better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all", maybe that could be used in the trust context also?
Mar :love:
Quote by poshkate
When I first joined here I was very trusting of a couple who I thought understood the importance of not gossiping about some of the things I told them. Unfortunately this was not the case and as soon as the realised that I wasn't going to shag them they went off telling all and sundry about my private life. The knock on effect of what they did was massive and made me have to make some major changes in my life. At the time I was devastated by what had happened and although I didn't find out immediately that it was them who had breeched my trust, when I did I was even more upset. After I'd calmed down more about the situation I did try to discuss it with the people involved but they have refused to discus it. For about 6 months after it happened I was very angry and upset that the thoughtlessness and idle gossip had caused me to change my life so dramatically......
PK..
this really struck hard...I'm sure all of us as swingers have come across this at one time or another. It happened to us once, someone once said something about Jay which really hurt me but you get over it and move on, I suppose you just have to don't you?xx Quote by helnheaven
BUT
the comfort, pleasure and joy that can be found in a loyal and trusted friend is, without a shadow of a doubt, so great a reward for your trust that it's worth the risk.
But
Who is to be considered 'loyal and trusted'?
I think Mar is asking who do you consider a friend and who do you consider an aquaintance.
I agree and god forbid, this is happening too often lately
, with Kent.I have loads of aquaintances who call me friend but I wouldnt trust most of them as far as I could throw them! If they want to call me friend thats up to them and if Im honest it is quite flattering to know people trust meenough to think of me like that. The reason I get the title of friend is that they know they can come to me and talk in confidence and know it means just that.
My Family and best friend of over 30 years I would trust with my life and have had to do over the years.
My Friends are the people who know me inside out, who will always be there no matter what and vice versa.
Im very fussy who I call friend and in whom I put trust.
Awwww Hel I am touched. :lol:
I think you secretly fancy me. :shock:
Sex God
My heart is on my sleeve when it comes to friends. Gut instinct is my first port of call and if that feels ok I will trust until I am given a reason not to. Sometimes that reason only has to be a change in my instinct not anything concrete but I do listen to it at all times.
I have 2 friends in my life that I trust mine and my childrens life with and one of those is Stormy. He was a very close friend for years before we got "together".
A couple of years ago I never would have believed that I could meet virtual people and be close friends with them. This site has changed my mind
I have 2 friends in my life that I trust mine and my childrens life with and one of those is Stormy. He was a very close friend for years before we got "together".
A couple of years ago I never would have believed that I could meet virtual people and be close friends with them. This site has changed my mind
Sex God
No way of knowing until time after time the person comes up trumps for ya - and then a coupla times against the odds.
Just about then they qualify as a friend.
I like acquaintances (mostly) but I love friends!!
.
Just about then they qualify as a friend.
I like acquaintances (mostly) but I love friends!!
.
Quote by firelizard
I have 2 friends in my life that I trust mine and my childrens life with and one of those is Stormy. He was a very close friend for years before we got "together".
You've hit the nail on the head, Jay's the one person I failed to mention!
my best mate, everything :inlove: Quote by firelizard
My heart is on my sleeve when it comes to friends. Gut instinct is my first port of call and if that feels ok I will trust until I am given a reason not to. Sometimes that reason only has to be a change in my instinct not anything concrete but I do listen to it at all times.
I have 2 friends in my life that I trust mine and my childrens life with and one of those is Stormy. He was a very close friend for years before we got "together".
A couple of years ago I never would have believed that I could meet virtual people and be close friends with them. This site has changed my mind
I'm virtually a person? You say the nicest things! :inlove:
Sex God
Quote by poshkate
I guess I used to be a lot more trusting of people than I am now. After trusting a number of people that I shouldn't have done I've learnt that you need to be very careful who you can and can't trust, i guess I just learn it the hard way
When I first joined here I was very trusting of a couple who I thought understood the importance of not gossiping about some of the things I told them. Unfortunately this was not the case and as soon as the realised that I wasn't going to shag them they went off telling all and sundry about my private life. The knock on effect of what they did was massive and made me have to make some major changes in my life. At the time I was devastated by what had happened and although I didn't find out immediately that it was them who had breeched my trust, when I did I was even more upset. After I'd calmed down more about the situation I did try to discuss it with the people involved but they have refused to discus it. For about 6 months after it happened I was very angry and upset that the thoughtlessness and idle gossip had caused me to change my life so dramatically......now when I think about it I just think that it's changed my life rather than ruined it and to a certain extend made my life better as I wouldn't be where it is now without what happened.
Whilst I do now trust far fewer people to the level that I had done previously, I'm also a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and if I hadn't have placed my trust in someone I shouldn't have done then I wouldn't be where I am and to be honest, lifes looking pretty rosey right now
Not sure if that really answers you question Mar but that's my rambling for the day :)
It's not what happens Kate it's how you deal with it. It's all about attitude and yours I bet was to get on and deal with stuff. What has happened to you shows more about their faults than anything you may have or may not have done
