Trusting people

28 May 2007

Don't walk away without a gut feeling. However, more often the gut feeling is well masked by the manipulation of the 'friend'.
I've got my wall up and not many people get through the door - burnt way too often so now only a few are in my 'circle'. I don't trust easily or quickly!
Sorry, not much help here Dawn but only my own experience. Too many twats around who think it's clever or funny to mess with others and then leave.
kiss

28 May 2007

Quote by Dawnie
I have been down that road, and its not a good place to be, I have finally learned to trust people, and am trying my hardest not assume everyone is going to let me down

How do I do that?
I know thats not a simple question or answer but my gut instinct is telling me to walk away from friendships without giving them the benifit of the doubt right now confused

there is no easy answer
there are varying levels of trust, i have many barriers up, everyone is allowed to the first barrier, as time goes on, i decide if they can go past any others, only one person in my life has access all areas, people have let me down, i have let people down, that in itself, is a fact of life, it happens, I am the only one who can decide who gets past my barriers, but i need help from the people trying to get there, as without them displaying reasons to trust them, I wont
If you keep people out, there will come a time when people wont want to come in, you will climb further into your shell, so far, you will need a map to come out of it

28 May 2007

It sad to say it but I have very few people in my life you I truely trust......there are a few people who I trust a little......but not many that I trust entirely.
I guess that I've just had my trust abused on too many occasions and now I put up barriers to stop people being able to hurt me. It means that very few people get to know the real me, but I cannot find a way to trust people again, and until I do I guess I'll continue being putting up barriers and keeping people away from me.
Sorry I can't answer any of your questions Dawn, but I hope you find a way to get through this.

28 May 2007

Quote by essex34m
I have, in recent weeks, come to realise that I have friends I didnt realise that I had, its an awesome feeling, and one I wouldnt have had if I had carried on as I had

Ohh how I know that feeling the one person I trusted in explicitly kicked me in the back, but the friendship and support i have had from others I was totally unprepaired for they have supported me like nothing else.
I dont expect people to trust me its up to them I will go on and be their friend whatever, as has been said its earnt not expected.

28 May 2007

Yeah.....it's horrble when someone you thought of as a friend turns out..... not to be a friend at all.

28 May 2007

Quote by Jags
Don't walk away without a gut feeling. However, more often the gut feeling is well masked by the manipulation of the 'friend'.
I've got my wall up and not many people get through the door - burnt way too often so now only a few are in my 'circle'. I don't trust easily or quickly!
Sorry, not much help here Dawn but only my own experience. Too many twats around who think it's clever or funny to mess with others and then leave.

You sound where I usually am Jags but I made a mistake of letting someone over my wall which in turn has reinforced my lack of trust in people. I was hoping I could change that confused

28 May 2007

Quote by essex34m
If you keep people out, there will come a time when people wont want to come in, you will climb further into your shell, so far, you will need a map to come out of it

Now theres something for me to think about confused

Quote by poshkate
Sorry I can't answer any of your questions Dawn

Maybe not PK but it does show me how many other people have trust issues so I'm glad I'm not alone kiss

28 May 2007

Quote by Dawnie
Don't walk away without a gut feeling. However, more often the gut feeling is well masked by the manipulation of the 'friend'.
I've got my wall up and not many people get through the door - burnt way too often so now only a few are in my 'circle'. I don't trust easily or quickly!
Sorry, not much help here Dawn but only my own experience. Too many twats around who think it's clever or funny to mess with others and then leave.

You sound where I usually am Jags but I made a mistake of letting someone over my wall which in turn has reinforced my lack of trust in people. I was hoping I could change that confused

Yep - I can understand that Dawn. Sorry that you are in the same place as me cos it's not really a nice place. I would trust implicitly SIX people I've met through this site and my mum! After that I'm a no-go area!!
I'm not going to change as change makes me vunerable and open to more twatiness and more hurt and more tears and it ain't going to happen any more!
Keep your dukes up (weegie slang, sorry!) and stay defensive. Trust your family and enjoy your friends.
:kiss:

28 May 2007

Quote by essex34m
so whats the alternative?
Don't trust anybody, therefore having no friends, therefore having no life, therefore being lonely?
I have been down that road, and its not a good place to be, I have finally learned to trust people, and am trying my hardest not assume everyone is going to let me down, I have, in recent weeks, come to realise that I have friends I didnt realise that I had, its an awesome feeling, and one I wouldnt have had if I had carried on as I had

til one of em shits on you from a great height & renders all of that hard work on your part a complete fookin waste of time because it left you wide open to it, again dunno

I'm afraid I'd rather be billy no mates/keep everyone but the very select few at a reasonable distance than have mug written across my forehead anymore... but then I do have a natural knack of being a cold hearted bitch when necessary , cos it comes with practice & experience - and that's really quite a sad reflection on t'internet 'friendships' as a whole isnt it rolleyes

28 May 2007

I trust very few people ... those I implicitly trust I can count on one hand.
There are a few people I've dropped my guard for and feel comfortable with, but that usually takes a long time to do and even then I wait constantly to be let down sad

I learned to trust a few more people on this site, because I realised in the swinging game you have to have trust, but those with that trust are few and far between and I'll admit I stop us "playing" because I'm too scared of getting hurt. People often comment that they feel I'm unapproachable, whereas actually despite the online persona I'm quite shy because I can't let go enough to trust anyone, sometimes even with just a conversation :(
In a vanilla context, with the exception of one person I have trust in no one, friends who I've known since school have let me down, it doesn't necessarily stop me being friends with someone but I refuse to trust them again.
It's a deep dark hole in here ... very isolating and lonely.

28 May 2007

Quote by Jags
Yep - I can understand that Dawn. Sorry that you are in the same place as me cos it's not really a nice place. I would trust implicitly SIX people I've met through this site and my mum! After that I'm a no-go area!!
I'm not going to change as change makes me vunerable and open to more twatiness and more hurt and more tears and it ain't going to happen any more!
Keep your dukes up (weegie slang, sorry!) and stay defensive. Trust your family and enjoy your friends.

I didn't realise we were so alike Jags dunno

Only just recently lack of trust has caused me issues in a friendship so I was hoping to find ways to change that. I think all you and others have done it confirmed I should keep myself protected rolleyes

28 May 2007

Quote by Darkfire
so whats the alternative?
Don't trust anybody, therefore having no friends, therefore having no life, therefore being lonely?
I have been down that road, and its not a good place to be, I have finally learned to trust people, and am trying my hardest not assume everyone is going to let me down, I have, in recent weeks, come to realise that I have friends I didnt realise that I had, its an awesome feeling, and one I wouldnt have had if I had carried on as I had

til one of em shits on you from a great height & renders all of that hard work on your part a complete fookin waste of time because it left you wide open to it, again dunno

and thats why I am at the point where I have varying levels of trust, have a certain number of barriers up, people have commented to me that I dont let them in, its not for me to to let them in, but for them to show me how much they want to
My mind is like a series of doors, and any person who tries to enter it, is holding a bunch of keys, but there are more doors than there are keys, and they may not have the keys they want, but such is life, thats the way I am, if they want to stick around, they may get more
yes, its frustrating for those that want to get in, but my self defence is more important to me, I am the most important person in my life

Quote by Calista
It's a deep dark hole in here ... very isolating and lonely.

I totally understand that one.....

28 May 2007

It's quite scary but in an odd sort of good way to realise that other people feel the same as I do regarding trust.

28 May 2007

Quote by essex34m

It's a deep dark hole in here ... very isolating and lonely.

I totally understand that one.....
Me too confused

Quote by Columbia123
It's quite scary but in an odd sort of good way to realise that other people feel the same as I do regarding trust.

Yes it is :thumbup:

28 May 2007

Quote by Calista
I trust very few people ... those I implicitly trust I can count on one hand.
There are a few people I've dropped my guard for and feel comfortable with, but that usually takes a long time to do and even then I wait constantly to be let down
I learned to trust a few more people on this site, because I realised in the swinging game you have to have trust, but those with that trust are few and far between and I'll admit I stop us "playing" because I'm too scared of getting hurt. People often comment that they feel I'm unapproachable, whereas actually despite the online persona I'm quite shy because I can't let go enough to trust anyone, sometimes even with just a conversation :(
In a vanilla context, with the exception of one person I have trust in no one, friends who I've known since school have let me down, it doesn't necessarily stop me being friends with someone but I refuse to trust them again.
It's a deep dark hole in here ... very isolating and
lonely.

Awww Calista ive never found you unapproachable or offish, to me your friendly and fun... (and sexy).
I dont tend to trust many people except my man and my family. Trust has to be earned along with respect.. i have some friends on here i DO trust tho, but then ive known them for a few years now.
Theres always some arsehole who hurts you tho, i guess its just a part of life ... for a while i retreat to lick my wounds but i usually bounce back for round 2.
Suze xx

28 May 2007

I'm probably someone who, in the past, has trusted people far too easily. I guess I'm a bit more careful now after learning the hard way and there are only a few people in my vanilla life whom I trust completely. There are probably less in my swinging world but those I do trust are important to me and I'd be gutted if they let me down, just as I'd be gutted if I let them down.
I try not to let my barriers down too much these days and I tend to box things off and stick them under the bed so that people can't get in. I suppose that's just how I deal with keeping myself safe. smile

It takes a long time to build trust and a moment to lose it. sad

Dawnie, I'm not sure what to suggest as I don't know you or the circumstances, but I think you really have to try not to let one person and a bad experience put you off building friendships with other people. For every ten tosspots there's one diamond out there! biggrin

28 May 2007

I don't know what to say to you either hun, I had this a few years back, my then best friend of 17 years let me down badly, so much so I've yet to let another pal that close again. Don't get me wrong, I have friends, good friends but none of them I have that same connection, we were like sisters, I miss her but I'll never forgive her.
:cry:

28 May 2007

I like so many on here can send you hugs, but at the end of the day hugs count for nothing unless they are personal.
The truth is you can trust no one unless you can trust your life in their hands, the only person I trust is the person closest to me, the person who has as much to lose as you have.

28 May 2007

A wise man once told me that you can never fully trust anyone but yourself in life.
Sure i trust Miss SRNE 99.9% but that is because in living together etc we have built up a good level of respect and know where and what to expect and what is expected of us both. With friends, no matter how close you never have that, socially it is in peoples interests to gain higher status and in groups of people this leads to the onset of bitching and character assassination to elevate your own status and popularity, its a primeval and sub-concious thing that we can all slip into every now and again sometimes unintentionally.
I know its a bad thing an people will say "oh learn to trust people, you cant live your life like that" but its not like im suspicious or constantly trying to suss people out, im just open and sensible enough to realise that in life people will at times betray your trust and if you realise that is the case your sure not to be let down like you have unfortunately been!!
Hope u come round though and dont be too down about it, try and see the positive aspects that can possibly learn t from the experience wink

28 May 2007

All I can add Dawnie is don't let yourself get to the stage where I am. After many years of being kicked, picking myself up and being kicked again I now don't trust anyone and have very few friends and none that I can say I truly trust because I am not prepared to let anyone close. I use cynicism and sarcasm to keep people away and always manage to destroy a budding friendship so that I don't get hurt again.
Yes its only a half life and lonely as hell .... but it's safe!!!

28 May 2007

Quote by buckingfabe
All I can add Dawnie is don't let yourself get to the stage where I am. After many years of being kicked, picking myself up and being kicked again I now don't trust anyone and have very few friends and none that I can say I truly trust because I am not prepared to let anyone close. I use cynicism and sarcasm to keep people away and always manage to destroy a budding friendship so that I don't get hurt again.
Yes its only a half life and lonely as hell .... but it's safe!!!

I'm amazed at how many people have said similar comments :shock:
Many have said it is sad and lonely and yet still continue to push people away, myself included confused

You lot were supposed to be helping me deal with trust issues, not make me feel I am right for keeping people at arms length :lol2:

28 May 2007

Essex34m
My mind is like a series of doors, and any person who tries to enter it, is holding a bunch of keys, but there are more doors than there are keys, and they may not have the keys they want, but such is life, thats the way I am, if they want to stick around, they may get more
yes, its frustrating for those that want to get in, but my self defence is more important to me, I am the most important person in my life
wise word them.

28 May 2007

Trust.... Easily given difficult to hang on to....
I used to trust people far too easily until my son's father abused that trust... After years of being shit on I decided that was it.... It took Mallock 4 years to gain my trust and boy did he put up with some shit.... Yet we have been together almost 11 years and I thank god everyday for finally trusting him... He has enriched my life more than anyone ever has before smile

As for friends outside relationships, I have only 3.... Everyone knows that Dawn is my bestest friend in the whole wide world and I trust her with my life.... My other friend who I trust implicitly is equi-princess... The third is a friend in Australia who I have known for 21 years...
I have lots of people I get on with but friends?? Well I am just too selective :lol2:
I allow people to get to know me a little but never let them close until I am sure they like me for me...
Dawn I luffs you so so much kiss

28 May 2007

Quote by Shireen
Everyone knows that Dawn is my bestest friend in the whole wide world and I trust her with my life....

For personal reasons, this woman has been a life saver this week.........

Quote by Shireen
Dawn I luffs you so so much :kiss:

I think I just said that to you by email :lol2:
You know I luvs you loads and value the friendship in a way I can't explain
:rose: :rose: :rose:

28 May 2007

Like so many others have said it has been a breath of air to see so many tell storys i could have wrote myself kiss

. I dont always like being the way i am but it has enabled me to survive, i let very few people get close to me and they have to be quite commited to break thro my barriers. My moto is "expect nothing off nobody" i tell myself if i dont expect anything then i cant be let down...... it keeps me safe! I could be on my knee's but will still never ask anybody for anything,not sure if thats a trust,pride or stupidity issue tho dunno

Ive always in the past had many acquaintance's but always had very few people i class as friends. Since the bad split with my x,having to give up work and me buying a house in a village i instantly didnt fit in to lol

i have kept myself to myself. It can be a very lonely life but one i know i can change when im ready or more importantly when i find people who show me its worth changing it for.
Dawnie you will trust again but your classification system will proberly have changed,dont think of it as a bad thing but as a learning thing. Like many a wise person has said before me those folk worth the trust will show you in time.
Nicky

29 May 2007

I want to add to this but I can't, so I wont.
sad

29 May 2007

Quote by Dawnie
I hate that this is the way I am so I’m asking you lot, how do I learn to trust people easier
How can I believe what a person says to me is true :dunno:

From reading the replies so far I think that a lot of people can relate to what your saying Dawnie. I know that you want to hear how to trust people again, but I dont think its that simple. Especially if your talking about cyber friends. I dont think that you can ever trust anyone as much as you can your family. Good, reliable, trustworthy friendships are very hard to come by and I think you'll only ever have a few of them in your lifetime.
I have 2 best friends, one ive known for 7 years and the other ive known for 27 years. The other "friends" I only associate with.
I think that the key to start to trust people again is taking it slow. Dont give away too much in the beginning. Build it up slowly over a period of time.
Louise xx

29 May 2007

Quote by Dawnie
Just recently I found out that someone I considered to be a trusted friend was the exact opposite.
Now due to personal reasons I find it extremely hard to trust anyone, this so called friend has coloured my vision so much that what little trust I have tried to build up with others is now tainted.
I’m now doubting just about everyone and everything.
I hate that this is the way I am so I’m asking you lot, how do I learn to trust people easier
How can I believe what a person says to me is true :dunno:

Once you start to need proof you can never trust. All you have to do is except everyone at face value, then you can trust them. I am not sure that is a good idea.There are very few that I trust without reservation. A degree of scepticism is a good thing. This is a cruel world. Sad but a fact of life.
Travis

29 May 2007

All I can say is dont let a twat from the past spoil what could be a beautifull friendship....

29 May 2007

Sorry to here about your probs, I have always treated everyone on a case by case. So some people some people can earn my trust quickly, then others a long time, I guess the best advice I can give is, build up the inner you first, then you will find it easier to trust people. Hope this helps