We love them really

10 May 2004

Car Parking
The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman was one
of (63ft 2ins), equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs.
Elizabeth Simpkins, driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova 'Swing' on 12th
October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at in Ropergate,
Pontefract, and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement 8
hours 14 minutes later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of
her own and two adjoining cars, as well as a shop frontage and two lamp posts.
Incorrect Driving
The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 504 km (313
miles) from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr. Julie Thorn (GB) at the wheel of a
Saab 900 on the 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into
her journey at Aird but pressed on to Holyhead with smoke billowing from
the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest
completed journey with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.
Shop Dithering
The longest time spent dithering in a shop was 12 days between 21st August
and 2nd September 1995 by Mrs. Sandra Wilks (GB) in the Birmingham branch
of Dorothy Perkins. Entering the shop on a Saturday morning, Mrs. Wilks
could not choose between two near identical dresses, which were both in the
sale. After one hour, her husband, sitting on a chair by the changing room
with his head in his hands, told her to buy both. Mrs. Wilks eventually
bought one for , only to return the next day and exchange it for the
other one. To date, she has yet to wear it.
Mrs. Wilks also holds the record for window shopping longevity, when,
starting September 12th 1995, she stood motionless gazing at a pair of
shoes in Clinkard's window in Kidderminster for 3 weeks two days before
eventually going home without buying them.
Jumble Sale Massacre
The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a jumble
sale is 98, at a Methodist Church Hall in Castleford, West Yorkshire on
February 12th 1991. When the doors opened at , the initial scramble
to get in cost 16 lives, a further 25 being killed in a crush at the first
table. A seven-way skirmish then broke out over a pinafore dress costing
10p, which escalated into a full-scale melee resulting in another 18 lives
being lost. A pitched battle over a headscarf then ensued and quickly
spread throughout the hall, claiming 39 old women. The jumble sale raised
for local boy scouts.
Talking about Nothing
Mrs. Mary Caterham (GB) and Mrs. Marjorie Steele (GB) sat in a kitchen in
Blackburn, Lancs. and talked about nothing whatsoever for four and a half
months from 1st May to 7th August 1978, pausing only for coffee, cakes and
toilet visits. Throughout the whole time, no information was exchanged and
neither woman gained any new knowledge whatsoever.
The outdoor record for talking about nothing is held by Mrs. Vera
Etherington (GB) and her neighbour Mrs. Dolly Booth (GB) of Ipswich, who
between 11th November 1983 and 12th January 1984 chuntered on over their
fence in an unenlightening dialogue lasting almost 62 days until
remembered she'd left the bath running.
Gossiping
On February 18th 1992, Joyce Blatherwick, a close friend of Agnes Banbury
popped round for a cup of tea and a chat, during the course of which she
told Mrs. Banbury, in the strictest confidence, that she was having an
affair with the butcher. After Mrs. Blatherwick left at , Mrs.
Banbury immediately began to tell everyone, swearing them all to secrecy.
By , she had told 128 people of the news. By it had risen to
372 and by that afternoon, 2774 knew of the affair, including the
local Amateur dramatic Society, several knitting circles, a coachload of
American tourists which she flagged down and the butchers wife. When a
tired Mrs. Banbury went to bed at that night, 's
affair was common knowledge to a staggering 75,338 people, enough to fill
Wembley Stadium.
Group Toilet Visit
The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet simultaneously
is held by 147 workers at the Department of Social Security,
Longbenton. At their annual Christmas celebration at a night club in
Newcastle-Upon-Tyne on December 12th 1994, Mrs. Beryl Crabtree got up to go
to the toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other members of the
party. Moving as a mass, the group entered the toilet at and, after
waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2 hrs 37 mins later.
Film Confusion
The greatest length of time a woman has watched a film with her husband
without asking a stupid plot-related question was achieved on the 28th
October 1990, when Mrs. Ethel Brunswick sat down with her husband to watch
'The Ipcress File'. She watched in silence for a breath-taking 2 mins 40
secs before asking "Is he a goodie or a baddie, then, him in the glasses?"
revealing a staggering level of ignorance. This broke her own record set in
1962 when she sat through 2 mins 38 secs of '633 Squadron' before asking
"This is a war film then, is it?"
Single Breath Sentence
An Oxfordshire woman today became the first ever to break the thirty-minute
barrier for talking without drawing breath. Mrs. Mavis Sommers, 48, of
Cowley, smashed the previous record of 23 minutes when she excitedly
reported an argument she'd had in the butchers to her neighbour. She ranted
on for a staggering 32 minutes and 12 seconds without pausing for air,
before going blue and collapsing in a heap on the ground. She was taken to
Radcliffe Infirmary in a wheelbarrow but was released later after
check-ups. At the peak of her mammoth motormouth marathon, she achieved an
unbelievable 680 words per minute, repeating the main points of the story
an amazing 114 times whilst her neighbour, Mrs. Dolly Knowles, nodded and
tutted. The last third of the sentence was delivered in a barely audible
croak, the last two minutes being mouthed only accompanied by vigorous
gesticulations and indignant spasms.

10 May 2004

i am laughing so much i have tears rolling down my face!
infact..... i am laughing so much i cant even SPEAK! :cry:

10 May 2004

MrFC!!!! FFS!!!! OOOOOOOoooooooowwwwwwwww!!! can someone please help? stuffing the pink bits back in thru the split in me side!!!!!
you may laff, but i LIVE with these people!!!
WTF are you on????? can i have some?????? is it ever scary being inside that head of yours???? :lol2:
rotflmao

that joyce blatherwick though. mucky mare she is. heard ALL about it!! lol

. believe her hubby STILL knows nowt though? ALWAYS the bloody last eh? ;-)
neil x x x x

10 May 2004

12 bloody years and I find out this way
Warwick Blatherwick :cry:

11 May 2004

11 May 2004

note to self:
Ask mrs davej when she went round Mr FC's house. :laughabove:

11 May 2004

Quote by davej
note to self:
Ask mrs davej when she went round Mr FC's house.

oh dave i sincerely hope you're allowed to play on your own and have lots of potential swingiong partners, cos you're in sssssooooooooooo much trouble!!!! :lol2:
neil x x x x