What decisions are yours alone to make and what are those you must make jointly? When is something 'dishonesty' or just 'none of their business'? Why do we feel when two singles become a partnership that their sole sexual needs must be under joint control; is it to avoid endangering the relationship?
Ideally everything should be discussed honestly, fully and frankly with your partner. But that's not always possible if your partner is unable to talk frankly/honestly about such subjects. In this case it's helpful to know where the boundaries are.
For example : Imagine a couple where one finds the others secret porn mags and feels betrayed. Who is right here? Personally I would say it's none of their business.
These are things I think are fine to do without the other explicitly knowing: changing a tire, wanking, viewing porn, flirting, using a toy on yourself, anything online, having a women feed me a grape, watching others, wanking to whilst viewing somebody on a cam, etc
Things I think would be cheating if they didn't know: having a blow job, having intercourse.
There's a huge amount of stuff in between the two that I'm not clear about. (Where does having your bottom smacked or having ice placed on your nipples by another person fit?)
Do you have views about where the boundaries lie?
36 x
P.s. I should declare that my recent experiences with a sexually narrow minded* partner suggests being honest can actually damage your relationship...
Thats, in my opinion anyway, a very difficult question for other people to answer for you 36...
Ive ruined a relationship in the past, by allowing myself to get into a situation that went too far, thinking nothing of the consequences.
& I had no reason to put myself there in the first place.
a lot of hurt and heartache caused.
I'll say no more.
lp
Yep like LP says above, it's very hard to answer your question, but i will point out that it doesn't matter what YOU regard as cheating if your in a relationship it comes down to what you BOTH regard as cheating.
I don't think there's a definite boundary between 'dishonesty' and 'none of their business'. It's obviously a very personal and subjective concept - your perception will undoubtedly be very different from mine. I think that you are the only one who can answer the question for you, as only you can judge your wife's reactions and you are ultimately the only one who will have to live with the consequences if you misjudge those reactions.
Good question for debate though - will be a difficult one for lots of people, I would imagine.
Ideally, if you're part of a couple, any decisions should be made jointly, as anything could have an impact on the relationship.
For my twopence worth. I would say you could define cheating, as
Anything of an intimate nature that ones partner could reasonably excpect to remain exclusivley theirs.
Absolutly no use what ever but there you go.
Lets face it we all know what cheating is, and if you have any doubt whatever in your mind as to wether you should be doing it, then its cheating, that doubt is your concience, telling you its wrong.
dishonesty is easy..it is deliberately lying. That can happen when you have agreed a behaviour with someone and you then do something different.
I don't actually have a problem with anyone that I don't know lying to me... they are not aware of my values and my boundaries. The people who know me... know exactly where my boundaries lie. I also make sure that I am aware of where their boundaries are.
in answer to what you are asking I suppose what I am saying is that you have to discuss with anybody that is potentially affected by the decision that you are making. They also have a say in what they think is acceptable. So communication is the key here.
What a very complex question!!!
Also it's so hard for me to give an answer without it possibly coming across as me judging - I can assure you I'm not.
I feel the main points have already been made, one thing I would like to add though is that I try and put myself in the other persons shoes. How would I feel if it was the other way around? You say that "Anything online" is ok, but how would you feel if your wife was doing the same thing and you found out?
Faithfulness is in the heart.A couple who play together with or others are not being who play apart but let each other know about it and are each okay about it aren't cheating.
But sometimes life isn't that black and white,we can all have a moment of weakness or give in to an urge!I suppose the ideal premise to live by is to make sure one's actions don't cause hurt to anyone else.
You're quite right OP, honesty can hurt and can cause damage - i've hurt someone by telling them i'd been unfaithful for a night. If i'd said nothing, he would not have been hurt. In some ways I felt selfish telling him as it eased my conscience but made him feel like crap. I was only 17 so blame it on my age but it's still freaky now, thinking back to how easy it was.
Mr TN and I have loads in common but equally have lots we'd like to do that the other doesn't wish to try. Each of us could individually go off and play alone to have those adventures but our committment to each other is such that we don't. Instead, we go wholeheartedly with things we do have in common and play that way. If we ever stopped telling each other about the things we like / dislike - that I would find as dishonesty. In time we've often found that we've changed our minds on things anyway.
I think the difference is that the depth of my relationship with Mr TN is such that I simply cannot even think about being dishonest about swinging / sex. There is a bond of trust in place that is unspoken. Without it, I could not even consider the flirting I do on the chat rooms / msn or swinging as part of life.
Every one is different. There are times when I think 'I wish Mr TN would just want to do.....' but then I just deal with it and think about the things we do already.
I also agree with sassy-seren - cheating can include non-physical contact. I've no problem with flirting but Mr TN knows about it and vice-versa. It's if it gets to a level where the other person feels some kind of relationship with you / or you with them, and it not being mentioned to partners - that it can get harmful. Taking a step back and evaluating is always a good idea.
I hope none of this offends anyone, it's just my opinions based purely on my own relationship.
36, judging by the way you have been wholeheartedly accepted on the Forum for your honesty, I think your way has been a wise decision. Yes it may have been "easier" to have cheated in some way or been dishonest but would that make your marriage stronger or weaker? It may have been easier as the feelings wouldn't have reached the surface but it wouldn't be dealing with the issues that you currently are.
Personally (and not preaching here) faithfullness is of paramount importance to us, anything intimate without the other knowing constitues unfaithfulness to us.
pink x
When is something dishonest/cheating (in the context of the question) - when you think there will be a difference between your partner knowing and not knowing, but you still do it and you choose to not let them know.
If you feel truly indifferent about whether your partner knows or not - then it is probably OK.
Only you can judge how you think your partner will react to something like having your nipples rubbed with ice by a third party.
). 