Open letter to Mr. James Thatcher, Brand Manager, Procter & Gamble
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I
appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core or
Dri-Weave* absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa
dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in
tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary
Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how
crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and
secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the
curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting
right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging
through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll
be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with
knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?
As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen
quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers'
monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating,
puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying
jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for
most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent
urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just
because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps.
Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is
just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants. Which brings me to the
reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping that was so painful I wanted to
reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad,
and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy
Period."
Are you f***ing kidding me?
What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think
happiness*actual smiling, laughing happiness*is possible during a
menstrual period? Did anything I mentioned above sound the least bit
pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M
freaky girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you
have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house
just so you don't march down to the local Rite Aid armed with a hunting
rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love
of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message
on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually
pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"?
Or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately,
there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my
maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your
Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending
bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Richmond, VA
woo
