Hello all.
I have visited this site a few times now and I think its great. I am a 32 yo married man and want to sort my sex life out. my wife says that she would rather read a book than have sex. I have tried every FHM and Cosmopolitan trick in the book. No joy. massage, romance, flowers, patience, more patience even more patience and still no sex. (by the way we have no kids).
I admire those of you who who are liberated enough to swing, I would like to become involved one day but that would mean cheating on my wife.
Help, I love sex, Iam not a perv, I am not a weirdo, I just want to enjoy an active sex life. (oh yeh, I am honest, Thats why I told you I am married)
Any Suggestions?
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you are the experts, can you help?
Hmmmm difficult one, is your wife interested in sex at all? Perhaps she just has a low sex drive, or does she say that it's something you're doing or not doing?
In my experience....Women love a man who kisses them for ages, moves his hands over her body gently (ALL over, not just the obvious places!
). For women, sex is also about the mind so try to engage her in conversation, try a romantic dinner and feeding her strawberries.....
And if all else fails, get her drunk.....LoL.
Sorry I couldn't help more....I hope that things work out for you both.
In my experience....Women love a man who kisses them for ages, moves his hands over her body gently (ALL over, not just the obvious places!
). For women, sex is also about the mind so try to engage her in conversation, try a romantic dinner and feeding her strawberries.....And if all else fails, get her drunk.....LoL.
Sorry I couldn't help more....I hope that things work out for you both.
Hi Bell!
Gee... that's a tough one.
I don't think you'll find a single qualified sex expert... but we are gifted amatuers. :twisted:
One thing I do note is that it's obviously a problem for you, but given the root is your wife, you haven't told us how she feels. So does it concern her that she's lost her libido?
If it does... their are lots of things you can try... and you'll get a string of eager folks giving you ideas.
If it doesn't... then you have a problem.
Off hand and without knowing the answer to the question I posed, I'd remind you that these things can have so many causes it's almost impossible to list. But the one thing that oftens gets overlooked is the physical side....
Not being funny, but how is your wife's health? Does she feel run down in other areas of her life? She could have (as I do) a thyroid problem... she could an anaemic....
Just a couple of points to ponder.
Hxx
Gee... that's a tough one.
I don't think you'll find a single qualified sex expert... but we are gifted amatuers. :twisted:
One thing I do note is that it's obviously a problem for you, but given the root is your wife, you haven't told us how she feels. So does it concern her that she's lost her libido?
If it does... their are lots of things you can try... and you'll get a string of eager folks giving you ideas.
If it doesn't... then you have a problem.
Off hand and without knowing the answer to the question I posed, I'd remind you that these things can have so many causes it's almost impossible to list. But the one thing that oftens gets overlooked is the physical side....
Not being funny, but how is your wife's health? Does she feel run down in other areas of her life? She could have (as I do) a thyroid problem... she could an anaemic....
Just a couple of points to ponder.
Hxx
Hiya Bell,
Difficult one, top marks for tackling things this way. as you say, most people in here have a full sex life, and we are not relationship professionals (some are - but they are out of office hours on here). If you are really serious about improving your marital sex life, then get professional help. We do not know you or your wife, and could end up screwing up what is otherwise a perfectly good relationship.
That is the disclaimer out of the way. Hang around, chat, if nothing else, you will find that you are no unique. You never know, someone in here may have the key you are looking for.
Welcome, and have fun, wherever it goes
lhk
Kat
Difficult one, top marks for tackling things this way. as you say, most people in here have a full sex life, and we are not relationship professionals (some are - but they are out of office hours on here). If you are really serious about improving your marital sex life, then get professional help. We do not know you or your wife, and could end up screwing up what is otherwise a perfectly good relationship.
That is the disclaimer out of the way. Hang around, chat, if nothing else, you will find that you are no unique. You never know, someone in here may have the key you are looking for.
Welcome, and have fun, wherever it goes
lhk
Kat
Thanx to you 3 who have replied. but in my wifes words, she says she just doesnt like it????????
I have always enjoyed a good sex life(wild at times) but I cant understand why she has no interest at all in sex
I have been through all the stress and the outside factor thing and still she would rather read a book. No probs with expanding intellect but i really am feeling the frustration.
Thing is , if I wander, I become the predatory sex idiot. I dont want that. I just want to have good, enjoyable and FUN sex.
should i wander just for sex and give up the rest of the marriage or what.
what a bloody dilemma
I have always enjoyed a good sex life(wild at times) but I cant understand why she has no interest at all in sex
I have been through all the stress and the outside factor thing and still she would rather read a book. No probs with expanding intellect but i really am feeling the frustration.
Thing is , if I wander, I become the predatory sex idiot. I dont want that. I just want to have good, enjoyable and FUN sex.
should i wander just for sex and give up the rest of the marriage or what.
what a bloody dilemma
In that case, Bell I think Kitkat's right.... you need to speak to someone much more used to and able to deal with problems like this.
To me it sounds like she had a bad experience... a trust issue... or like a lot of women has never had an orgasm and therefore thinks she isn't missing much.
But as with all things of this nature, it has to be her that wants to resolve it.
I really do wish you the best of luck.
:Kiss:
Heatherxx
To me it sounds like she had a bad experience... a trust issue... or like a lot of women has never had an orgasm and therefore thinks she isn't missing much.
But as with all things of this nature, it has to be her that wants to resolve it.
I really do wish you the best of luck.
:Kiss:
Heatherxx
thanx all.
I think all of you have come up with some good thoughts, I think it is her issues that needs to be dealt with. I have often thought this. Incidentally, she has had had orgasms while we have been together. with me as well!!!!
Now after three years,together she wont even touch my bits . she says theat it is too big. Most men shouldbe proud but I think its a problem for her.
I love her to bits and just want to have a good sex life with her
I think all of you have come up with some good thoughts, I think it is her issues that needs to be dealt with. I have often thought this. Incidentally, she has had had orgasms while we have been together. with me as well!!!!
Now after three years,together she wont even touch my bits . she says theat it is too big. Most men shouldbe proud but I think its a problem for her.
I love her to bits and just want to have a good sex life with her
Hello Bell412
Welcome to the Cafe
:wave: :wave:
Nice to see you popping in. I doubt that anyone here will have the answer to your problem but I'm sure that the wealth of experience here will mean that there will be some good suggestions put forward.
For what it is worth I think that in your position I would have to wait until the mood was right and then sit down and tell her exactly how you feel. She may think that you too would rather read a book than have sex. She may not realise just how important it is to you. Without putting her under pressure, she needs to understand your true feelings, but make it clear that despite feeling so strongly about this you do not want to cheat on her.
Is it possible that there is some medical reason that she doesn't enjoy sex? Does it cause her pain? If so maybe she could consult her doctor. I think you have to find the true reason why she doesn't want to have sex before you can start to work on resolving the problem.
You don't say how long you have been married or how old your wife is.
I certainly don't think you are a perv or a weirdo and it is absolutely normal to enjoy sex, especially when you are married to the person you love. It must be unbearably frustrating. I admire your honesty.
If I can just put your problem to one side for a second I would encourage you to join in with the goings on in the Café and get to know the people here and give us a chance to get to know you. I can give you no guarantees regarding your sex-life but I think that if you are sincere I can promise you friendship and large doses of humour.
Welcome to the Cafe
:wave: :wave: Nice to see you popping in. I doubt that anyone here will have the answer to your problem but I'm sure that the wealth of experience here will mean that there will be some good suggestions put forward.
For what it is worth I think that in your position I would have to wait until the mood was right and then sit down and tell her exactly how you feel. She may think that you too would rather read a book than have sex. She may not realise just how important it is to you. Without putting her under pressure, she needs to understand your true feelings, but make it clear that despite feeling so strongly about this you do not want to cheat on her.
Is it possible that there is some medical reason that she doesn't enjoy sex? Does it cause her pain? If so maybe she could consult her doctor. I think you have to find the true reason why she doesn't want to have sex before you can start to work on resolving the problem.
You don't say how long you have been married or how old your wife is.
I certainly don't think you are a perv or a weirdo and it is absolutely normal to enjoy sex, especially when you are married to the person you love. It must be unbearably frustrating. I admire your honesty.
If I can just put your problem to one side for a second I would encourage you to join in with the goings on in the Café and get to know the people here and give us a chance to get to know you. I can give you no guarantees regarding your sex-life but I think that if you are sincere I can promise you friendship and large doses of humour.
I think I have just stumbled across a bunch of new people who are all mature enough to talk openly. I cant see me having this level of conversation at work.
I am off to bed now (in the spare room) MY CHOICE!!!!!!!!!!!!
she goes to work early and I am off shft so i need a lie in.
thank you for accepting me,
you know nothing about me and i know nothing abou you yet i strangely feel that this is all genuine.
speak soon.
night night, hope you are gettin laid tonight. ( i won't be)
P.S. Heather, it does concern me that she has lost her libido and doesnt find sex appealing. thanx. its nice to know people understand. xx
I am off to bed now (in the spare room) MY CHOICE!!!!!!!!!!!!
she goes to work early and I am off shft so i need a lie in.
thank you for accepting me,
you know nothing about me and i know nothing abou you yet i strangely feel that this is all genuine.
speak soon.
night night, hope you are gettin laid tonight. ( i won't be)
P.S. Heather, it does concern me that she has lost her libido and doesnt find sex appealing. thanx. its nice to know people understand. xx
Sex God
I might be way off target here, but it might be something to think about. Is it sex that she doesn't like, or just the kind of sex that you've both become accustomed to having? Her interest may return if you can find out what it is that she's missing.
On the other hand, if she has to get up early in the morning for work, perhaps the poor thing is simply worn out. That can put a serious dent in one's libido. When was the last time you had a nice relaxing holiday together? Somewhere romantic, where there's absolutely nothing to do
A relationship can never have too much communication. She's the one you need to talk to (in my opinion), not us.
The usual disclaimers apply.
On the other hand, if she has to get up early in the morning for work, perhaps the poor thing is simply worn out. That can put a serious dent in one's libido. When was the last time you had a nice relaxing holiday together? Somewhere romantic, where there's absolutely nothing to do
A relationship can never have too much communication. She's the one you need to talk to (in my opinion), not us.
The usual disclaimers apply.
I know it's off topic and I should know better but have suddenly become confused.
John, you used the word 'holiday' - my short acquaintance with human life hasn't allowed me to become aquainted with that concept yet, I would be grateful for a detailed definition and any information about when it's my turn???
x xxx x
John, you used the word 'holiday' - my short acquaintance with human life hasn't allowed me to become aquainted with that concept yet, I would be grateful for a detailed definition and any information about when it's my turn???
x xxx x
Orgasminator
Quote by bell412
thanx all.
I think all of you have come up with some good thoughts, I think it is her issues that needs to be dealt with. I have often thought this. Incidentally, she has had had orgasms while we have been together. with me as well!!!!
Now after three years,together she wont even touch my bits . she says theat it is too big. Most men shouldbe proud but I think its a problem for her.
I love her to bits and just want to have a good sex life with her
I'm not an expert, tho I did do psyc 101!
I would say her comment is probably more to do with a focus point, its not the problem per-say. It could be down to a past experience with an ex, or even with yourself... a pasionate moment where she wasnt quite ready/excited enough that was uncomfortable.
You dont mention your ages; it could be "the change," HRT replacement might be an option, or if the problem is the lack of natural lubrication having made things uncomfortable then a lubricant substitute such as KY;
or something like vaginaitus (I know thats spelt wrong, and may even be the wrong word) where the female vagina goes into spasums during penitration. Often this happens early on in a relationship and/or when a person is a virgin. It can also be caused at other times due to emotional problems etc. The spasums themselves are very painfull even without penitration, so usualy prevent penetration in that the walls and opening to the vagina clamp up to such a point that its impossible.
The above is usualy brought on by an emotional factor, such as the fear of loosing the virginity, or some other past/present event.
There are so many possible factors that it would be impossible to has at a guess to the cause, especially as you say you did previously have a good sex life. Work stress, money worrys, etc. can all play a part. Even something such as un-diagnosed diabetes can leave someone feeling run down. Depression is another possible factor.
Before going outside the marrage vows definatly see your doctor yourself to discuss this further and/or discuss this with your partner. There are occasions where people do have different sex drives, and I know one couple personally where he "plays away" with her concent due to her depression (manic or as the americans say bi-pola which even with drugs can be hard to manage) wich although they have a good life together and a loving relationship means she hates sex because she is so un-responsive.
Counciling and mediation are also possibilitys. If all else fails and she is un-willing to allow you to play away, then make the decesion to play away, or to call things within your present relationship to an end.
Before I sound to moralistic.....
My ex and I when playing with single guys even tho we knew the situtation re: "playing away" never made judgment. I also know of couples that prefer a guy that is playing away because they have more to loose than a single guy so are more unlikely to want more than an ocasional play.
Jon
damn that was a long sencible post from me.... I will try harder to play the fool in future!
I think my fellow forum friends have covered a lot of very important angles on this but I just want to echo part of what others have said with a little of my own.
The fact you are on here talking about it shows you are bothered about it and are thinking seriously about the issues it's brought to your mind. This has to be a good thing.
Where the previous posts hit it on the head is finding a way to have this conversation with your wife in a way thats adds no pressure or in any way brings things to a head to quickly.
Not an easy thing but I'm sure we all wish you well with this - feel free to talk more on this or, of course, anything - we're a good bunch on here for the serious AND the not so serious matters in life !
Carpathian
The fact you are on here talking about it shows you are bothered about it and are thinking seriously about the issues it's brought to your mind. This has to be a good thing.
Where the previous posts hit it on the head is finding a way to have this conversation with your wife in a way thats adds no pressure or in any way brings things to a head to quickly.
Not an easy thing but I'm sure we all wish you well with this - feel free to talk more on this or, of course, anything - we're a good bunch on here for the serious AND the not so serious matters in life !
Carpathian
Hi,
I've just discovered this site & am pleasantly surprised to find adults here, not the usual bunch of time wasters & idiots. Any how to the point, like you i have the same problem of no sex life with my wife.( Breif history), coming up to 30 years married happy in all other areas, but in the last 5 or 6 sex just dwindled away & nothing at all for last 2yrs. Like you i tried everything & anything including talking abuot it from both sides & couldn't find a solution. Biggest problem was, as everything else was good it would be a shame to ruin it by being demanding or unreasonable. So this is what i ended up doing, I know a lot of people will probably critisise me for it but it's the only solution I could come up with. After a while my 5 fingered friend just didn't do it for me any more, so i thought i'd try a professional lady to relieve the tension. As luck would have it in my life as a builder I know several ladies that do a little business on the side, as much for fun as the money, so not really hardened pros. Luckily the one i chose was very understanding & very good at sex so it i got a sypathetic ear & relief at the same time, & yes i did feel guilty about cheating but i justified it to myself like this. Again i realise this is only my solution & lot's will disagree but it works for me. I concluded that as sex is an intergral part of marriage, if this need wasn't being fulfilled then i had some justification in getting it else where as long as it was only physical & not emotional. I know to some this may sound like a very feeble argument & I think the're probably right but it worked for me. After a while i discovered a local swingers club & have since met some great people there & had some really good times. Don't know if this helps but thought I'd share with you as someone who's been in the same boat.
Alan
I've just discovered this site & am pleasantly surprised to find adults here, not the usual bunch of time wasters & idiots. Any how to the point, like you i have the same problem of no sex life with my wife.( Breif history), coming up to 30 years married happy in all other areas, but in the last 5 or 6 sex just dwindled away & nothing at all for last 2yrs. Like you i tried everything & anything including talking abuot it from both sides & couldn't find a solution. Biggest problem was, as everything else was good it would be a shame to ruin it by being demanding or unreasonable. So this is what i ended up doing, I know a lot of people will probably critisise me for it but it's the only solution I could come up with. After a while my 5 fingered friend just didn't do it for me any more, so i thought i'd try a professional lady to relieve the tension. As luck would have it in my life as a builder I know several ladies that do a little business on the side, as much for fun as the money, so not really hardened pros. Luckily the one i chose was very understanding & very good at sex so it i got a sypathetic ear & relief at the same time, & yes i did feel guilty about cheating but i justified it to myself like this. Again i realise this is only my solution & lot's will disagree but it works for me. I concluded that as sex is an intergral part of marriage, if this need wasn't being fulfilled then i had some justification in getting it else where as long as it was only physical & not emotional. I know to some this may sound like a very feeble argument & I think the're probably right but it worked for me. After a while i discovered a local swingers club & have since met some great people there & had some really good times. Don't know if this helps but thought I'd share with you as someone who's been in the same boat.
Alan
Warming the Bed
You're not the only one Bell.
I felt age was taking over and I have a fertile mind and a great pelasure in sex. Don't want to use a pro though. I want to be with a female who has the same (-ish) pleasure as me.
Now many will disagree with me here, but sex is one aspect of the marriage, along with cinema, theatre, football, soap tv, cooking, dishes, working etc etc.
Now how many of these do we all do together and all the time.
I think that if you are careful (precautions and clean) and don't play too close to home. Don't use up the household finances on fine wines et, then why not have fun with somebody else who is happy to play with you. Be honest though.
Hope I don't get fatally wounded from our dis-agreeing friends
I felt age was taking over and I have a fertile mind and a great pelasure in sex. Don't want to use a pro though. I want to be with a female who has the same (-ish) pleasure as me.
Now many will disagree with me here, but sex is one aspect of the marriage, along with cinema, theatre, football, soap tv, cooking, dishes, working etc etc.
Now how many of these do we all do together and all the time.
I think that if you are careful (precautions and clean) and don't play too close to home. Don't use up the household finances on fine wines et, then why not have fun with somebody else who is happy to play with you. Be honest though.
Hope I don't get fatally wounded from our dis-agreeing friends
Kat deftly leaps over the furniture, catches the grenade, and swiftly slips the pin back in. Phew
This is a topic which generates real passion and conflict on here, and I doubt we would resolve anything by allowing it to open up again on this string. In summary:
There are many who feel that you are quite right nuzzler, and are quite comfortable with your position from both a moral and practical point of view
There are many who feel that you are quite wrong nuzzler, and that a husband on here without his wife's knowledge, is not a swinger but a cheater.
There is no universal right or wrong on this issue, there is only what is right for the individual.
lhk
Kat
This is a topic which generates real passion and conflict on here, and I doubt we would resolve anything by allowing it to open up again on this string. In summary:
There are many who feel that you are quite right nuzzler, and are quite comfortable with your position from both a moral and practical point of view
There are many who feel that you are quite wrong nuzzler, and that a husband on here without his wife's knowledge, is not a swinger but a cheater.
There is no universal right or wrong on this issue, there is only what is right for the individual.
Be honest though.This is the real issue. If you are a member of a couple on here without your partners consent, and you are arranging to meet a couple, make sure they know your position.
lhk
Kat
Quote by Bell
my wife says that she would rather read a book than have sex.
Quote by Bell
I love her to bits and just want to have a good sex life with her
In the interests of a balanced perspective. How about considering things from a different point of view.
Instead of assuming "my wife does not want to have sex, therefore she must have lost interest in sex, how do I make her want sex again?"
How about looking at it as "my wife does not have sex with me, therefore she must have lost interest in me, how do I make her want me again?"
Are you certain that you wife is sexually inactive Bell, Nuzzler, Prags, and anyone in this situation (I don't mean other men, what about masturbating and fantasies?)
sometimes helps to shake the tree and see what falls outlhk
Kat
Well, I certainly didn't expect a response like this. Especially as though it is the first time I have posted anything and more so, that I have only just registered.
Everyone has brought up some valid points and opinions which have been well recieved.
The overwhelming message seems to be communication.
Believe me, I have tried talking and trying to find out why she doesnt like sex. She has always had a low sex drive but it was enough not to be a problem. Now it is none existent and she says that she just doesnt want it.
As for masturbation, she does have a Rampant Rabbit which I am happy with. I mean I enjoy watching her with it (or rather try to remember the last time) Even that hasnt seen an outing for months
I have even thought that it could be hormonal but i firmly believe it is psychological.
I like sex for the physical side and also the emotional side. However, i am quite prepared to enjoy the physical side. Remember, some people love their football team but dont play football. Some people love to play football but dont love a football team.
I see some dillemma with the fact that I am married but would like to start swinging to satisfy the physical and mental need. And meet people at the same same time in an intimate context.
I dont want to cheat on my wife but is she already cheating me? I dont know.
Looking forward to your replies and views. I asked you guys because I respect the fact that you are comfortable with your bodies, your minds and your sexual openness
Speak again.
PS what is an avatar?
Everyone has brought up some valid points and opinions which have been well recieved.
The overwhelming message seems to be communication.
Believe me, I have tried talking and trying to find out why she doesnt like sex. She has always had a low sex drive but it was enough not to be a problem. Now it is none existent and she says that she just doesnt want it.
As for masturbation, she does have a Rampant Rabbit which I am happy with. I mean I enjoy watching her with it (or rather try to remember the last time) Even that hasnt seen an outing for months
I have even thought that it could be hormonal but i firmly believe it is psychological.
I like sex for the physical side and also the emotional side. However, i am quite prepared to enjoy the physical side. Remember, some people love their football team but dont play football. Some people love to play football but dont love a football team.
I see some dillemma with the fact that I am married but would like to start swinging to satisfy the physical and mental need. And meet people at the same same time in an intimate context.
I dont want to cheat on my wife but is she already cheating me? I dont know.
Looking forward to your replies and views. I asked you guys because I respect the fact that you are comfortable with your bodies, your minds and your sexual openness
Speak again.
PS what is an avatar?
Quote by bell412
PS what is an avatar?
The little picture at the side of your post, just below your name. For example, KitKat's black-white-and-red moggy, and my picture of Ronald MacDonald. If you click on the Profile link you'll find an Avatar Control Panel at the bottom of that page, from where you can choose or upload an Avatar of your own.
Whatever you decide to do in your own situation - good luck from me too.
