Hi there, even though I am still a newby I'm hoping for some advice.
I have a married lover who I love very much. We've been seeing each other for 4 years on and off and I don't want that to stop. We're totally honest with each other and he's made it perfectly clear that he isnt't going to leave his wife as they have 2 young kids (6 & 2). Today he tells me she has breast cancer and that she has had one of her breasts removed and has been ill for a little while. I just don't know what to do now. I love him to bits but can't help but feel such a bitch for what I have been doing. All along we've been having serious fun while she is at home ill. He's not a bad person although I'm sure some of you will think that. They do have marital problems (yes, they have, I have witnessed it as I know her too) and she is a very difficult woman to get along with. Anyway, I've rabbled a bit too much now so what should I do, do I stop seeing him or continue?
Join the most popular community of UK swingers now
Login
Your advice please
phew.... this is a hard one. if it was me, i would leave him. if he isnt going to leave his wife, the chances are it has SOD ALL to do with the kids. Daz's eldest was 2 when he split with his ex wife, she was pregnant with his daughter at the time........ if ever there is a situation where you should stay because of the kids then thats it. but he wasnt happy, he didnt want to be there and so he left. it proves that if you are genuinely unhappy then you can leave. Yes, he probably feels guilty because his wife is seriously ill, so would i!!!
It's good you feel guilty too, it shows you can be selfless, but, in my opinion, (which i know isnt going to be welcome, and i'm sorry,) youve come this far knowing he's married, so whats going to stop you seeing him now???
All i can say is good look with whatever you decide.
It's good you feel guilty too, it shows you can be selfless, but, in my opinion, (which i know isnt going to be welcome, and i'm sorry,) youve come this far knowing he's married, so whats going to stop you seeing him now???
All i can say is good look with whatever you decide.
Well that's a brave post. It is possible that your relationship with him makes it possible for him to continue to stay with & support his wife. Just a thought.
However, the ideal situation for you would be to find someone else that you could spend the rest of your life with, even though that must seem unlikely to you at the moment. Good luck & make sure you tell us what you eventually decide.
However, the ideal situation for you would be to find someone else that you could spend the rest of your life with, even though that must seem unlikely to you at the moment. Good luck & make sure you tell us what you eventually decide.
Very tricky one but firstly if you know that he's never gonna leave his wife then whats in it for you long term??He's obviously having his cake and eating it,without a moments thought for his wife or kids.
What gets me is that your starting to feel guily now that she is ill,surely you shouldve been feeling guily for the last 4 years,both of how did you get yourself into a situation where you get with a married man with a family if you kew before hand what he is committed to?
Its not up to anyone else to decide what you should do,but think about exactly where it can lead for both of you?
What gets me is that your starting to feel guily now that she is ill,surely you shouldve been feeling guily for the last 4 years,both of how did you get yourself into a situation where you get with a married man with a family if you kew before hand what he is committed to?
Its not up to anyone else to decide what you should do,but think about exactly where it can lead for both of you?
Orgasminator
Hello EdinBB,
As one of the 'Oldies' on this site, I was probably involved with problems like these before you were born. So I can offer a little advice.
No man stays with his wife, 'because of the kids'. FACT.
He stays with her because he gets his meals cooked, his washing done, his house kept tidy, and maybe a bit of sex as well. FACT.
He doesn't leave her because. He would probably loose most of what he has, i.e. House, money and a female in his bed every night. He would also loose a large part of his income through the CSA, which would make life very difficult for him, and you, if he came to you on a permanent basis. FACT.
He is probably very happy, (despite what he may say about his home life to you) especially if he has a 'something on the side' as well, which to be honest, you are. FACT.
Even of he left his wife for you, could you ever be certain he wasn't cheating on you? I doubt it. If he really wants you, he will divorce his wife making a clean break, and then ask you to marry him.
My advice. Find someone single, it's a lot easier and a lot less hassle.
If he (your lover) is not willing to committ himself to you by divorcing her, then he isn't worth having, and he certainly doesn't love you, no matter what he says. FACT.
My own marriage broke up over 35 years ago through my own infidelity. So I do know what I am talking about. For many years afterwards, I specialised in seeing married women, I found that most of them were fairly easy to get into bed simply weren't getting 'enough' at home, so I supplied what was missing in their lives.
In a way you are doing the same thing, your supplying him with a 'bit on the side.'
Married men have a million excuses as to why they have to stay with their wives. Don't believe any of them. It's a game as old as mankind itself. In all honesty, all they want is a comfortable home with a little extra on the side.
Unfortunately that little extra on the side is you. FACT.
As I said above find someone single, If you find you love him, then get married. If your lucky your marriage will last. One thing I'm sure about though, your current married boyfriend won't leave his wife for you.
If you don't believe me, cut out the sex for a few weeks and see how long he stays around. I don't think it will be for long. Sorry, but that's life.
Harry0
Casanova, and Drunk of this Parish. Letcher of married women. Available to any ladies single or married who want a little 'fun' .
P.S. I'm really a nice fellow, honestly.
As one of the 'Oldies' on this site, I was probably involved with problems like these before you were born. So I can offer a little advice.
No man stays with his wife, 'because of the kids'. FACT.
He stays with her because he gets his meals cooked, his washing done, his house kept tidy, and maybe a bit of sex as well. FACT.
He doesn't leave her because. He would probably loose most of what he has, i.e. House, money and a female in his bed every night. He would also loose a large part of his income through the CSA, which would make life very difficult for him, and you, if he came to you on a permanent basis. FACT.
He is probably very happy, (despite what he may say about his home life to you) especially if he has a 'something on the side' as well, which to be honest, you are. FACT.
Even of he left his wife for you, could you ever be certain he wasn't cheating on you? I doubt it. If he really wants you, he will divorce his wife making a clean break, and then ask you to marry him.
My advice. Find someone single, it's a lot easier and a lot less hassle.
If he (your lover) is not willing to committ himself to you by divorcing her, then he isn't worth having, and he certainly doesn't love you, no matter what he says. FACT.
My own marriage broke up over 35 years ago through my own infidelity. So I do know what I am talking about. For many years afterwards, I specialised in seeing married women, I found that most of them were fairly easy to get into bed simply weren't getting 'enough' at home, so I supplied what was missing in their lives.
In a way you are doing the same thing, your supplying him with a 'bit on the side.'
Married men have a million excuses as to why they have to stay with their wives. Don't believe any of them. It's a game as old as mankind itself. In all honesty, all they want is a comfortable home with a little extra on the side.
Unfortunately that little extra on the side is you. FACT.
As I said above find someone single, If you find you love him, then get married. If your lucky your marriage will last. One thing I'm sure about though, your current married boyfriend won't leave his wife for you.
If you don't believe me, cut out the sex for a few weeks and see how long he stays around. I don't think it will be for long. Sorry, but that's life.
Harry0
Casanova, and Drunk of this Parish. Letcher of married women. Available to any ladies single or married who want a little 'fun' .
P.S. I'm really a nice fellow, honestly.
Sex God
I think you should leave him and not go back to him he is playing with your mind and this can stress you out I know you love him but I don't think he loves you else he wouldn't let you go though this
Find someone else I know this is easy to say but you will get over him and you will wonder what you ever saw in him
Molly xx
Find someone else I know this is easy to say but you will get over him and you will wonder what you ever saw in him
Molly xx
It's interesting that while you say he's told you about his wifes illness he doesn't suggest that you stop seeing each other so he can help her through this, so he's just unloaded his guilty feelings onto you. Classy.
Anyway, this is my only opinion on dating married men - I wouldn't. If I was attracted to a guy and found out he was married I'd walk away immediately. Not for any moral principle, purely a selfish one - I would never play second fiddle to someone else and run my life to fit around their life with a wife and kids. Probably not what you want to hear, possibly not a popular view, it's a very black and white view in fact but I'd want share a proper life with someone I love, not be his hobby.
Good luck Edin, I hope it works out for you
Anyway, this is my only opinion on dating married men - I wouldn't. If I was attracted to a guy and found out he was married I'd walk away immediately. Not for any moral principle, purely a selfish one - I would never play second fiddle to someone else and run my life to fit around their life with a wife and kids. Probably not what you want to hear, possibly not a popular view, it's a very black and white view in fact but I'd want share a proper life with someone I love, not be his hobby.
Good luck Edin, I hope it works out for you
Sex God
Quote by Edin BBW
Hi there, even though I am still a newby I'm hoping for some advice.
I have a married lover who I love very much. We've been seeing each other for 4 years on and off and I don't want that to stop. We're totally honest with each other and he's made it perfectly clear that he isnt't going to leave his wife as they have 2 young kids (6 & 2). Today he tells me she has breast cancer and that she has had one of her breasts removed and has been ill for a little while. I just don't know what to do now. I love him to bits but can't help but feel such a bitch for what I have been doing. All along we've been having serious fun while she is at home ill. He's not a bad person although I'm sure some of you will think that. They do have marital problems (yes, they have, I have witnessed it as I know her too) and she is a very difficult woman to get along with. Anyway, I've rabbled a bit too much now so what should I do, do I stop seeing him or continue?
I have been that guy (female form)
I was married for a long time and had an affair with a guy for many years. My hubby never knew about it and i must say i didn't feel guilty. It wasn't just about sex, infact it wasn't about sex at all. It was an escape from things that were happening in my life. I felt more able to cope with things that were thrown at me. It was excitement. I forgot about my everyday life when i was with him or planning our clandestine meets.
I really would hate to think what might have happened to me if i didn't have that escape.
I am sure that your lover isn't heartless. Yes, he does have a wife and kids but he has needs too, not just sexual either.
Only you can decide what you should do. Can you live with the guilt you are feeling?
G x
EdinBBW,
Ultimately, you need to be honest with yourself about what you're after in life, and how having your lover in your life could figure in those ambitions. Your first priority is your well-being.
If you're happy to be his part-time lover and essentially live your life as a single woman the rest of the time, then yes, keep it going if that makes you happy. As it's been going on for 4 years, you probably already know about the downsides. There are people in this world who've lived like this for many years, and it is possible to live a perfectly fulfilled life this way.
On the other hand, I believe that people who can feel content and fulfilled in such circumstances are relatively few and far between. You may be one of these, in which case be sure you make your decision with your eyes wide open, and good luck.
For what it's worth, my suggestion would be to take some time out from seeing your lover, spend some time on your own, live as a single for a while. This is what worked for me, many years ago, when I finally brought a three and a half year relationship with a married woman to a close. I worked out that being with her was making me unhappy (even though we had the best of times when we were together) and I came out of it the other side a stronger and happier person. Over 10 years later, she's still one of my best friends and I'm one of the first people she calls when she needs help and support, so I'm happy with the outcome, although we did go through some shit at the time.
Ultimately, you need to be honest with yourself about what you're after in life, and how having your lover in your life could figure in those ambitions. Your first priority is your well-being.
If you're happy to be his part-time lover and essentially live your life as a single woman the rest of the time, then yes, keep it going if that makes you happy. As it's been going on for 4 years, you probably already know about the downsides. There are people in this world who've lived like this for many years, and it is possible to live a perfectly fulfilled life this way.
On the other hand, I believe that people who can feel content and fulfilled in such circumstances are relatively few and far between. You may be one of these, in which case be sure you make your decision with your eyes wide open, and good luck.
For what it's worth, my suggestion would be to take some time out from seeing your lover, spend some time on your own, live as a single for a while. This is what worked for me, many years ago, when I finally brought a three and a half year relationship with a married woman to a close. I worked out that being with her was making me unhappy (even though we had the best of times when we were together) and I came out of it the other side a stronger and happier person. Over 10 years later, she's still one of my best friends and I'm one of the first people she calls when she needs help and support, so I'm happy with the outcome, although we did go through some shit at the time.
Thanks all for your advice. I know the best thing to do is end it but as I said, I love him and it's not that easy. In answer to your question Clare-Lincs.
I do still see other people and he knows that so I am kinda still living the single life. However, no matter who I see they just can't compare to him (in my eyes) and I ususally end it.
Anyway, as some of you have said, only I can decide but I do thank you all who have replied and I will let you know what I decide.
Also how did you get yourself into a situation where you get with a married man with a family if you kew before hand what he is committed to?They were separated at the time we got involved but got back together then the 2 year old came along.
I do still see other people and he knows that so I am kinda still living the single life. However, no matter who I see they just can't compare to him (in my eyes) and I ususally end it.
Anyway, as some of you have said, only I can decide but I do thank you all who have replied and I will let you know what I decide.
All I'll say is - follow your true feelings hun. Listen to the inner voice. It'll tell you what to do. I kinda think you may have been following that inner voice when you posted - only you didn't know it - you just needed someone else to tell you.
Trust in yourself and what you "feel" is right.
Trust in yourself and what you "feel" is right.
Sex God
I'm confused with your post.
You say he has told you she's had he breast removed. How come he didn't tell you she was going through Chemo or any other form of treatment before this happened?
As you say you know her, how come you were not aware of her health problems? Are they in fact genuine?
Both my mother and my older sister had breast cancer and I know first hand that they do not take your breast off right away unless the cancer is so far gone it's the only way to try to keep you alive.
Therefore, unless she is well advanced in her condition, what he has told you is either a fabrication, or her life really does hang in the balance and surgery was the only way forward.
I suspect that he will gradually over a period of time, stop seeing you and this is the for-runner to that. He will tell you he has no time, got to go with her to hospital visits etc.
I honestly do think he may be trying to let you down gently and hoping this way you may chose to go your own way, thus relieving him of the guilt of ending your relationship.
I know it sounds extreme, but I have a very good friend who had exactly this happen to her. She was in a relationship with a married guy for almost 10 years. They even had a child together.
However, once he had grown bored with it, he fabricated a story about one of his children having cancer. He told her he was needed at home more and more, and after a while started telling her she should try meeting other men. It wasn't his place to try and hold onto her while his own life was such a mess etc etc.
Eventually after several months of this, she found out that his child did not have cancer, nor indeed any health problems. It was a total lie.
When she tackled him about it, he eventually owned up to it and said he thought she would grow bored and leave him of her own free will. He couldn't bring himself to tell her straight that he didn't want to continue the relationship.
It was totally and utterly heartless, not only to her but to have spoken of his child in this way was unforgivable
I wish you well in your decision, whatever it may be. Follow your head, not your heart. Trust in yourself to decide what is right for you alone.
You probably already have a good idea of what you have to do, but if sharing it with us here will help you to make a choice, then it will be all be worth while.
Take care and (((hugs))) to you
Tracy-Jayne
You say he has told you she's had he breast removed. How come he didn't tell you she was going through Chemo or any other form of treatment before this happened?
As you say you know her, how come you were not aware of her health problems? Are they in fact genuine?
Both my mother and my older sister had breast cancer and I know first hand that they do not take your breast off right away unless the cancer is so far gone it's the only way to try to keep you alive.
Therefore, unless she is well advanced in her condition, what he has told you is either a fabrication, or her life really does hang in the balance and surgery was the only way forward.
I suspect that he will gradually over a period of time, stop seeing you and this is the for-runner to that. He will tell you he has no time, got to go with her to hospital visits etc.
I honestly do think he may be trying to let you down gently and hoping this way you may chose to go your own way, thus relieving him of the guilt of ending your relationship.
I know it sounds extreme, but I have a very good friend who had exactly this happen to her. She was in a relationship with a married guy for almost 10 years. They even had a child together.
However, once he had grown bored with it, he fabricated a story about one of his children having cancer. He told her he was needed at home more and more, and after a while started telling her she should try meeting other men. It wasn't his place to try and hold onto her while his own life was such a mess etc etc.
Eventually after several months of this, she found out that his child did not have cancer, nor indeed any health problems. It was a total lie.
When she tackled him about it, he eventually owned up to it and said he thought she would grow bored and leave him of her own free will. He couldn't bring himself to tell her straight that he didn't want to continue the relationship.
It was totally and utterly heartless, not only to her but to have spoken of his child in this way was unforgivable
I wish you well in your decision, whatever it may be. Follow your head, not your heart. Trust in yourself to decide what is right for you alone.
You probably already have a good idea of what you have to do, but if sharing it with us here will help you to make a choice, then it will be all be worth while.
Take care and (((hugs))) to you
Tracy-Jayne
Quote by RedHot
I'm confused with your post.
You say he has told you she's had he breast removed. How come he didn't tell you she was going through Chemo or any other form of treatment before this happened?
As you say you know her, how come you were not aware of her health problems? Are they in fact genuine?
Both my mother and my older sister had breast cancer and I know first hand that they do not take your breast off right away unless the cancer is so far gone it's the only way to try to keep you alive.
Therefore, unless she is well advanced in her condition, what he has told you is either a fabrication, or her life really does hang in the balance and surgery was the only way forward.
I suspect that he will gradually over a period of time, stop seeing you and this is the for-runner to that. He will tell you he has no time, got to go with her to hospital visits etc.
I honestly do think he may be trying to let you down gently and hoping this way you may chose to go your own way, thus relieving him of the guilt of ending your relationship.
I know it sounds extreme, but I have a very good friend who had exactly this happen to her. She was in a relationship with a married guy for almost 10 years. They even had a child together.
However, once he had grown bored with it, he fabricated a story about one of his children having cancer. He told her he was needed at home more and more, and after a while started telling her she should try meeting other men. It wasn't his place to try and hold onto her while his own life was such a mess etc etc.
Eventually after several months of this, she found out that his child did not have cancer, nor indeed any health problems. It was a total lie.
When she tackled him about it, he eventually owned up to it and said he thought she would grow bored and leave him of her own free will. He couldn't bring himself to tell her straight that he didn't want to continue the relationship.
It was totally and utterly heartless, not only to her but to have spoken of his child in this way was unforgivable
I wish you well in your decision, whatever it may be. Follow your head, not your heart. Trust in yourself to decide what is right for you alone.
You probably already have a good idea of what you have to do, but if sharing it with us here will help you to make a choice, then it will be all be worth while.
Take care and (((hugs))) to you
Tracy-Jayne
Sorry I confused you. I live in Edinburgh and he lives in the Midlands area so I don't see him that often. I have not seen her for a while. Sheis having Chemo, she has had 5 treatments so far I now know this as a fact (she has posted on a forum elsewhere on the web about her Chemo treatment).
Maybe he is preparing to end it, it won't be the first time as we are currently on affair number 5 in the last 4 and a half years and he has ended it twice and I have ended it twice in the past.
