The Husband and the Forgotten Anniversary
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Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really mad. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE".
The next morning Ed got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and to her surprise there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Monday at 1:00 PM.

'An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.
With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.
Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.
The Redneck simply replied, 'They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want.'
The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion.
'Well,' said the man, 'she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed.'
The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the ! second daughter.
The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.
'Well,'the man replied, 'she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed.'
The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, 'She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry.'
So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was
the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
'Well,' explained the Redneck...
'She was just a weeeee bit,pregnant when you met her.'
not that you could hardly tell...

Quote by Lost
Cor bloody hell Cor bloody hell Cor bloody hell Cor bloody hell Cor bloody hell Cor bloody hell Cor bloody hell Cor bloody hell Cor bloody hell Cor bloody hell Cor bloody hell Cor bloody hell Cor bloody hell Cor bloody hell Cor bloody hell Cor bloody hell Cor bloody hell Cor bloody hell Cor bloody hell Cor bloody hell Cor bloody hell Cor bloody hell Cor bloody hell Cor bloody hell Cor bloody hell Cor bloody hell Cor bloody hell Cor bloody hell Cor bloody hell Cor bloody hell Cor bloody hell Cor bloody hell Cor bloody hell Cor bloody hell Cor bloody hell Cor bloody hell

Quote by Missy
I think I done something really good and clever at work today! :smile2:
Then with the whole ying yang concept, I promptly tripped up followed by one of them silly runs and spilt my coffee as I hit my desk

Quote by woohoo
they even think a fanny is something else

WHY GOD MADE MOMS
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

Quote by PCRepairman
Was thinking mix-doubles would be more fun
There I was dusting my darts down, looking for a local pub. Booking Skegness for the Swingers Heaven Grand Finals (All Weekend Booked) only to came back and read the post again, you piss takers......... love it

Quote by firelizard
I have watched the Hugh programmes and now the Jamie one and now know an awful lot more than I did before. I have always bought freerange eggs and will definitely continue to do so and now I will buy chicken from the farm shop that belongs to the farm I live opposite. If it's too expensive to buy as much chicken as I have been I will eat something else instead.
My 12 year old watched it with me and stated that she won't be eating chicken at all :shock: so now I'm wondering if I have a veggie in the making? we will see. As she would say....Whatever!!!

Quote by Unc

extremely difficult as most bi products are used with battery chickens/eggs and are used in alot more things than people realise

Quote by Dawnie
do it again.

BUYING CONDOMS
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."
The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

IN THE BRIDAL SUITE
On their first night to be together, the newlywed couple go to get changed. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."
The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. "Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My word, you are so beautiful, let me take your picture.
Puzzled, she asks, "My picture?"
He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever."
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.
He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now."
At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "Oh, oh, oh my, let me get a picture."
He beams and asks, "Why?"
She answers, "So I can get it enlarged."

A man is working on the buses in the US collecting tickets.
He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.
"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?"
The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.
"Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."
The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.
The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the
chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.
Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this
time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to The chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.
"What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch.?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.
"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you
can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it" he asked.
Nahh" said the bloke,
"I'm just a really bad conductor"

Quote by louise_and_joe
I have watched the Hugh programmes and now the Jamie one and now know an awful lot more than I did before. I have always bought freerange eggs and will definitely continue to do so and now I will buy chicken from the farm shop that belongs to the farm I live opposite. If it's too expensive to buy as much chicken as I have been I will eat something else instead.
My 12 year old watched it with me and stated that she won't be eating chicken at all :shock: so now I'm wondering if I have a veggie in the making? we will see. As she would say....Whatever!!!

Quote by alljustfun2001
4. You don't think twice about wearing a short skirt, high heels and fishnets when there is three feet of snow on the ground..

Quote by alljustfun2001
And 1 just for you fanny... (Also can I come for Tea when you use your China tea set pls)
9. You don’t just sit on the sofas in the shop when looking for a new 1 but bend over the armrest and of course make sure it is easy to wipe down..

very true also true for couches coffee tables kitchen tables, and buy the biggest bed you can afford to fit more in (i even got wrong in the furniture shop for trying to lie down on the coffee table to test for size, took a little explaining)

Quote by alljustfun2001
And a season 1...
10. On Christmas, there are certain presents that can't be opened in front of your family.

Quote by firelizard
I have watched the Hugh programmes and now the Jamie one and now know an awful lot more than I did before. I have always bought freerange eggs and will definitely continue to do so and now I will buy chicken from the farm shop that belongs to the farm I live opposite. If it's too expensive to buy as much chicken as I have been I will eat something else instead.
My 12 year old watched it with me and stated that she won't be eating chicken at all :shock: so now I'm wondering if I have a veggie in the making? we will see. As she would say....Whatever!!!

Quote by Lost
JANIS JOPLIN
"Little Girl Blue"

REM
"Losing My Religion"

Quote by tomu
JANIS JOPLIN
"Little Girl Blue"

REM
"Losing My Religion"

JANIS JOPLIN
"Little Girl Blue"
Sit there, hmm, count your fingers.
What else, what else is there to do ?
Oh and I know how you feel,
I know you feel that you’re through.
Oh wah wah ah sit there, hmm, count,
Ah, count your little fingers,
My unhappy oh little girl, little girl blue, yeah.
Oh sit there, oh count those raindrops
Oh, feel ’em falling down, oh honey all around you.
Honey don’t you know it’s time,
I feel it’s time,
Somebody told you ‘cause you got to know
That all you ever gonna have to count on
Or gonna wanna lean on
It’s gonna feel just like those raindrops do
When they’re falling down, honey, all around you.
Oh, I know you’re unhappy.

REM
"Losing My Religion"
Life is bigger
It's bigger than you
And you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no I've said too much
I set it up
That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh no I've said too much
I haven't said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try
Every whisper
Of every waking hour I'm
Choosing my confessions
Trying to keep an eye on you
Like a hurt lost and blinded fool
Oh no I've said too much
I set it up