So you want to swing, advice for newbies
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So you have
and done it -
you have finally taken
the plunge and decided
that you want to swing.
You know you want to
try swinging - but where
do you start? You can't
go to the Citizens'
Advice Bureau or ring up your local district
council and ask to be
put through to the
You probably know what swinging is all about,
because you're reading the first issue of SHM,
and it's something that you have ordered, and
you're not sat at the dentist's idly flicking
through the magazines on the table, BUT just
in case you need a refresher course, I will
attempt to go through the basics.
So, what is swinging?
Swinging is a recreational activity for adults.
The most common denominator is an adult
male and female couple, meeting other
couples for sex, and sometimes ongoing intimate relationships. The activity may occur
at a party or another couple to couple
encounter, or with a third party - commonly
referred to as a 'threesome'. It is a sexual
activity with someone other than your
partner, but with full knowledge and consent
of that person. It is sometimes referred to as
the 'lifestyle' or the 'scene' and its locations
are wide and varied, from dedicated clubs to
discreet hotels - and to the safety and
comfort of your own four walls. Single
women are generally most welcome into the
"lifestyle", as are single men, but to a
somewhat lesser degree (gutted!!)
When did swinging start?
Swinging has always been around - since the
beginning of recorded time - in fact recent
studies have found that Neanderthal cavemen
(and women) were swingers. Paintings
recently uncovered are testimony to this.
However, in the 1960s and 1970s it was very
much the thing to do, and became very
popular. Flower power and free love were very
much the order of the day, and the allure of
drugs and experimentation proved the
catalyst for the start of what is known as
'swinging. And you thought the 60s were socalled
'swinging 60s' because of the Beatles
and the Rolling Stones - well think on.
So, here you are. You and your partner
are really up for this - the idea of having sex
with someone else while your partner enjoys
the same, really excites the both of you.
Can swinging ruin my relationship?
The simple and most honest answer is no,
BUT if your relationship is already on thin ice,
then to be fair, Relate would be a better place
to be than a swingers' club. Swinging cannot
fix a failing relationship. It is only suitable for
couples in strong relationships who want to
play and experiment.
Do I have to be sex-mad to enjoy swinging?
For the majority of the time, swinging will
mainly end up involving sex - however it isn't
all about sex. Recently it has become more of
a social activity, where you can eat, drink and
chat, and feel more comfortable and happy
with the situation. Social and sexual
intercourse are very much the flavour of the
moment. Getting to know someone socially
makes the sexual part much more fun.
Are there any swinging rules and regulations?
There are no hard-and-fast rules and
regulations to swinging - it's more what you
would call a 'code of practice', or 'terms and
conditions'. It is what is known as 'etiquette'.
A couple should arrive as a couple, and leave
as a couple - it is not viewed as auspicious if
one partner leaves early and the other one
stays all night. It's always advisable to arrive
on time for parties or meetings, as if you turn
up late you may find it harder to fit in, and
you may make other people feel awkward.
No-one can predict traffic hold-ups, especially
those motorway car parks, but if you know
you're going to be late, give the host or the
club a ring.
Be polite and courteous - a smile can go
a long way - and treat people as you would
like to be treated. The swinging lifestyle is not
like the Masonic fraternity, but it still has its
insecurities and uncertainties. Be sensitive,
thoughtful and understanding and, more
importantly, be friendly with everyone. Even if
you don't want to take things further with
them, you may find you have other interests
in common, and they may introduce you to
people you like.
So you have your first invite to a party,
how nervous does that make you feel?
What do we do next?
Respond to the invite - even if you can't
make it, or you have changed your mind. Let
them know as soon as you can. If you are
taking the plunge and attending your first
party, always read or find out what's required
of you - drink, food, supplies etc - and never
arrive empty handed. It could be a long night,
so take what ever you will need - toothbrush,
comb, aftershave, perfume, breath-freshener,
condoms, and sleeping bag if it's an all
It is important to be comfortable and
relaxed as the evening progresses, so a robe
or negligee may come in handy - and keep
your money, jewellery and other valuables to
a minimum. This is not for fear of theft, but
losing important mementoes and items can
spoil a good encounter. Have a shower before
you leave for the party, and remember you're
on show - so look your best and try to make
a good impression. And then, remember to
have a good time!
We're at the party - what happens now?
The whole idea is to enjoy yourself and have
fun - that's why you've decided to try
'swinging' - but don't feel pressured into
doing anything that you don't want to, or
with anyone that you don't feel comfortable
with - and always say no if there's anything
you don't want to do.
As in life, you have a right to say no -
a simple and polite 'no thanks' is all that's
needed. You shouldn't have to explain yourself
- this may only cause problems - and if you
end up doing things that you don't really
want to do, it will eventually only cause illfeeling
and embarrassment. On the other
hand, if there's someone you fancy swinging
with, let them know in a nice, inviting way
and, like you, they have the right to say no.
Always treat people as you would expect
to be treated. Social drinking is fine - it
relaxes you and provides a good way to start
to get to know people - BUT don't
overindulge! It can prove a turn off for many
people and, worse still, may hinder and affect
your physical performance later in the night
(not good!). If you feel the need to drink
heavily before attending the party, this would
suggest that swinging is not for you.
It is up to you and your partner to
protect yourselves, and the use of condoms
should not offend anyone. It doesn't imply
that you are dirty or you have something to
pass on, it's a simple yet effective way of
protecting all parties involved. However at the
end of the day it's up to all the participating
people. JUST HAVE FUN!!
Are there any no-no's in swinging?
It may sound very fundamental, but always
make sure the person you are taking to the
party knows what kind of gathering it is.
Not to do so could be very embarrassing, and
will probably end up causing problems in the
relationship. Furthermore, make sure that
both of you are keen to swing - it's not
essential but it is normally expected that if
one half swings, then the other half will
If you're at a party or in a club there maybe
different rooms, one of which might be called
the 'group room'. If you're expecting privacy,
don't go to that room - and if you go into the
group room, don't disturb the others with
incessant talking. It tends to destroy the
mood, and people may get annoyed. Similarly,
don't cruise around bedrooms pulling back
curtains and turning on lights - do that and
your swinging invites will gradually start to
become fewer and farther between.
At most parties the drink code is 'bring
your own booze', where you only drink what
you bring - but once again, you really don't
want to lose the evening in an alcoholic blur!
The night is all about you having fun,
having a laugh, meeting new people and
taking your relationship to another level,
so go with an open mind and a positive
attitude, act out your fantasies and enjoy fun
times with like minded people. Always
remember to thank the host - write, text or
e-mail - it will get you another invite and will
provide excellent feedback for them.
Tips for first time swingers
As a couple new to swinging, be confident
and comfortable with each other, and stay
together as much as you want to - but don't
be clingy, as this will make it very difficult for
other couples to approach you. As the party
gets into full swing (if you pardon the pun),
there may be some people starting to take
their clothes off - only go as far as you both
want to. If you remain fully clothed, you will
still attract interest - but try changing into
something more revealing. Be honest and
open with each your partner about your
feelings and emotions, and don't be afraid to
say if you're feeling jealous or uncomfortable
- hiding these feelings will only cause
problems later on.
Be inquisitive and ask questions -
experienced swingers will be only too happy
to help and guide you - and try to leave your
inhibitions at home. If you put in the effort
and are friendly and good-natured, you will
get a lot out of a swinger's party. Just be
yourself - a smile can say so much.
What kind of sexual shenanigans happen in swinging?
As you are probably aware, swinging can
involve many types of sexual activity. Some
of these you may have heard of - others you
may not, as they would normally be confined
to specially-organised, tailored events to cater
for that particular fetish.
Bisexuality is people of the same sex
interacting with each other. This is much
more common between women than men,
but it doesn't mean that it is applicable
to every woman. Bisexuality between
men is extremely rare in the swinging
community, and is usually frowned
upon if not organised in advance, and it is
usually restricted to a separate area.
Couple-to-couple is by far the most
popular formula, and this is really the heart
and soul of the swinging lifestyle. One couple
pairs up with another, and after an exchange
of partners, the couples usually continue
sexual activity within close proximity to each
other - within the same room or the same
bed - probably interacting in such as way that
it becomes a foursome, or group sex.
Extreme culture includes activities such
as spanking, bondage, sado/masochism and
water sports (urination). The majority of these
are very uncommon at most swingers parties
unless the hosts have chosen a theme for the
night - in which case you will be notified well
before the night of the party.
Groups (orgies) are usually defined as a
group of four or more people interacting
sexually, most commonly as described above
- two couples - although it can be any sex
involving four or more people.
Threesomes are most common for
couples just starting out - it is the most
common method of getting started in the
lifestyle. A lot of couples will carry on with
threesomes long after they have fully
integrated in to the lifestyle. In threesomes,
all three people may interact, or two people
will interact with each other and one person
will enjoy a more voyeuristic role.
What can swinging do for us?
Swinging can be every bit as erotic, exciting
and fulfilling as you both imagine it to be.
You can explore many of your favourite
fantasies safely. You and your partner can
engage in private, intimate sexual activity,
share your mate in a threesome, enjoy
another couple, or engage in group swinging -
all in one evening. You can both make new
friends and meet interesting people. Swinging
also has the potential of greatly enhancing
your relationship and personal life.
It's important to have a positive feeling
about yourself, your mate, and your
relationship. However, swinging is not for
everyone. People need to discuss between
them such factors as jealousy, self-esteem, or
any relationship problems, prior to embarking
on a swinging lifestyle. If any of these things
are of major concern to either person, then
chances are you are not ready to enjoy the
swinging lifestyle and all of its benefits.
swinging is meant
to enhance your
it's not going
to repair or
that's on the