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We shut our resident reviewer in a darkened room with a TV, DVD player, a modest supply of lager, a box of tissues ( just in case), and a clutch of four DVDs - and told him he couldn't come out until he'd viewed them all. The following reviews are the result of his incarceration! To be fair, when we let him out, all the lager was gone, but he'd only used the tissues to blow his nose. 'There aren't any R18s in here,' he complained ruefully.

Doctor Screw

Being an avid 'Dr Who' fan, I wasn't really looking forward to reviewing this in case it spoiled my image of what the real Doctor was all about. But, hey- we've all had our suspicions about what the Doc's been up to over the years with Rose, Sarah-Jane, Romana, Jo Grant (the fans' favourite), et. al - so what the hell?

This disc contains the first three episodes of what promises to be a very desirable collection.

In the first episode, 'Holly' (!), the Doc meets his new assistant and after taking her back to her home, converts her bog-standard, down-market vibrator into a sonic screwdriver (!) version. Sex happens quickly and intensely in her bedroom. The sonic screwing device will play a major role in coming episodes as both a sex toy and something to blow people up with. Episode two finds us in Medieval Muff. A damsel in distress is rescued and the ensuing threesome, shot outdoors, is blindingly good. Not happy with having pricked Holly, the Doc returns to the swinging 60's to have a go at her mother. Again, a great sex scene.

This is so well made that one can forgive all the ghastly schoolboy puns - as I hope you have mine. Rose becomes Holly, the Tardis becomes a Turdis - it's disguised as a Portaloo, The Master becomes The Mistress and the music is as close as you could get to the real theme without instigating a copyright court case.

Sex dominates, and, to be honest, it would be better if whatever storylines there are supposed to be were allowed to develop a little longer before the shagging began. Having said that, Elle Brook is a very sexy Rose, sorry, Holly, and Mark Sloan gives a wonderful performance of a Doctor somewhere between Christopher Eccleston and David Tennant - mostly the latter. Even with his face full of fanny, he manages to come up with some quintessential Dr Who lines.

All in all, a very good first disc, and I look forward to the rest of the promised series. Again, if this were an R18 version it would have got at least one more star. This DVD will be liked by both women and men - but may offend anyone who is an off-the-wall, card-carrying convention-attending Dr.Who fanatic - but that's their problem.

I rate this as 7.5 out of 10

Produced by Playboy TV Adult channel, and running for approx. 59 minutes, it retails for around £18.95.

Extreme Anal

Does exactly what it says on the tin - or almost. It's extreme only in that there's a lot of anal sex, all with women on the receiving end. Maybe not everyone's cup of tea, but if anal is one of your bags, then this film from MSS Interactive, directed by Freddie Morse and Bob Bennett is a pretty good offering.

I suspect this film will appeal to rather more men than women, but it makes a very good fire-starter and as a background to whatever you may be doing yourself at the time. This is real sex and all of the attractive, and still realistic, actors are clearly and honestly enjoying themselves.

There are five chapters to the DVD. The first finds a blonde and a brunette attempting to play croquet before resorting to a range of fruit and vegetables. It's nice that this is shot in the open-air on what looks like the lawn of a stately home, but it is the weakest of the scenes and maybe should have been edited in later in the disc.

Secondly, we find a blond(ish) woman in a rather run-down attic, overlooking a river or a bay, along with two men. A great scene and they are all really going for it. Next, we are in another attic with a black guy and a pretty petite blonde. Again, one feels that one is just a fly on the wall and that even if this weren't a film, they'd be doing the same thing anyway.

Thankfully, Chapter 4, my favourite, takes place in the more salubrious setting of a smart sitting room and involves the 'lady' of the house, a maid and a lot of toys. The maid bears more than a passing resemblance to Connie from 'The Sound of Music' so just let your imagination go!

Finally, again in a nice room, two guys have a long play with a brunette.

This film works very largely due to the obvious enthusiasm of the actors. Once again, if it had been shot as an R18 rating then it would have got at least one more star.

I rate it at 6 out of 10

Retail price around £19.95.


This film is really quite good fun. It's a comedy parody of 'Pirates of the Caribbean' and works well - and therefore, to really enjoy some of the subtleties and in-jokes you really need to have seen the original. But, if you haven't, it's still entertaining in its own right.

Directed by the award winning Joone, the film along with the 'XXX' version, has, in total, won over thirty adult industry awards and features some big names including, Jesse Jane, Carmen Luvana, Devon and Jenavere Jolie.

Not short on budget, this film is well produced, well acted, well directed and some of the special effects are of mainstream quality - I especially liked the fighting skeletons. The main thrust of 'Pirates' is comedy, and here it can be a little weak.With a tighter and more acerbic script it would have got another star, but 'Naked Gun' it ain't - although you do feel that you are watching a proper film with a plot and continuity.

Here lies the problem. Am I watching a comedy film that is not side-splittingly funny, or am I watching a soft porn film with very little porn? Having said that, there is an excellent, erotic and very gymnastic lesbian scene towards the end that is well worth waiting for.

In its review, the New York Times said, 'Pirates has a high production value and has been designed to appeal to both women and men.' I agree, and while it is an 18-rated film, there would be no problem in showing this to any reasonably openminded adult.

'Pirates' is a good film to watch with a few friends, a few beers and some take-away pizzas. No one will be offended - but no one will get too carried away.

I give it 6 out of 10

A Digital Playground production, distributed through Adam and Eve Pictures, 'Pirates' retails for around £18.95.

How to reach the ultimate climax

'How to' books, DVDs and videos are normally a real put off - 'How to play Golf like Tiger Woods in only two weeks', 'How to cook like Jamie Oliver while riding a scooter', 'How to become England Manager without knowing anything about football' (hang on, that one obviously works and has been used by the last few incumbents). Mostly they are patronising crap and fundamentally impracticable.

However, this one is not too bad at all. 'The Joy of Sex', in various guises, has been re-visited time after time after time. But this version from The Alexander Institute, proclaimed (albeit self-proclaimed) experts on personal and sexual relationships, is a cut above most others and, rightly, rests its case on the importance of good communication between partners and the emphasis that journey fulfilment is often the most important part of sex, rather than the sometimes rushed arrival. The mantra is 'communicate your wishes and take time achieving them'.

Running for about 100 minutes, the DVD is divided into various sections such as foreplay, massage techniques and sex toys, to name but three, and includes a fair number of market research interviews with what are clearly real people.

One of the benefits of notionally educational films is that you can get away with a little bit more hard core footage than you can with standard commercial porn films in the '18' category. So there are a couple of erect penis and open pussy masturbation shots that would usually only be available in 'R18' offerings, and you can view this as an academic exercise. That's another problem - the best sex is spontaneous and I do worry about anyone who may religiously follow the suggested routines - scented candles and all. However, in a one-on-one relationship, the closeness and sensual nature that this doctrine promotes can only be good. If you're reading this magazine, then you are, probably, either already a swinger, or at least a person of mature sexual experience, and I really doubt that you would learn anything new from watching this, other than reinforcing the importance of communication.

But I don't want to sound negative. It is a very well put together disc that comes with special DVD features that include multilingual commentary in English (well, American, actually) Spanish and German, along with subtitles in English, French and Dutch and would be really useful to new couples or people learning about each other and the ways of pleasure.

It is not porn - but then it isn't meant to be.What it gives, it gives very well indeed. It is beautifully produced with attractive, yet realistic and not over-thetop couples and could be stored among the rest of your DVDs without embarrassment.

I give it 7 out of 10

Retails around £19.95.