The Life and Times
of a Transgendered
As a couple of well-know football pundits once said 'It's a funny old game innit?' Well being a transgendered band leader is certainly 'a funny old game'. Just think about the title; 'Transgendered Band Leader' Is the leader TG or is it the band? In our case I - and the lovely Princess Di - are TG. But it's me - 'Auntie Vi' - who has to lead the band.
If you are one of the numberless hordes who snapped up the first issue of SH Magazine, you might have read a little about my band called Elephant Shelf. We 're quite well known, especially in London - I manage to visit just about every watering-hole in North London, often accompanied by Lady Di - and little blonde girls come rushing up saying 'Ere, 'scuse me mate, incha wiv that band Elephant's wotsits? I've seen you lot, you're, really good. 'Ere, Dave look- it's that band wiv the two trannies wot I told yer about'. It happens all the time.
The price of fame - or should I say infamy? Lady Di is more retiring than I am - more shy. She says; 'Fame and fortune, riches, etc, were never written in my life-plan'.Well Di, at the moment it looks as though infamy might be on its way - but fortune and riches? Tell that to the proprietors of venues in North London who only pay about £30-40 per head for a band. Still, it's all good fun - art for art's sake and all that. As they said of the seventies; 'Sex 'n' drugs 'n' 'rock 'n' roll' - well, I got some rock 'n' roll; could have had drugs if I'd wanted - but sex? That must have been someone else.
All this brings me to this morning's mail - a letter from someone signed 'Dave in Barnet' who wrote 'You don't know me, but I've seen you with your band - really good. I'm a bit shy to come and speak to you, but I'd like you to consider me your friend. I know you don't know me, but you're really good on the guitar and that's good enough for me. To tell you the truth, I've been telling everyone at Costa's Kebabs in Barnet (I like to stand outside of there) that you're my friend. They all nod knowingly and then say "Chilli sauce Dave?" You know what that means don't you Vicky? Anyway, I'm sorry to be a bit forward, but I feel as if I know you. Look Vicky, we can share so much together, music, sport, Morris Dancing. I also collect things; I've a collection of leaflets of various kinds going back 30 years. Anyway I'd like you to consider me your friend, I already feel that I know you, so after I've written you a few times and we know each other better, maybe we can meet and go Morris Dancing' . Anyway, I will write again soon. Bye for now. Your friend, Dave in Barnet
Yes Dave, 'anyway' - we'll see won't we?
So, I woke up this morning from a weekend of gigging for next to nothing - and the week begins with an invitation from a weirdo to go Morris Dancing...
As I said before, it's a funny old game innit? Maybe Lady Di is right - it's them - they're out get us. Must go off to my darkened room for a lie down...
Vicky Martin 2007
You can find out all about my band at www.elephantshelf.com