Trysexuality: the quest for sexual heaven

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Labels, labels - whether it's what designer clothes Victoria Beckham is wearing or a person's sexual orientation, the world seems obsessed with labels. Straight and gay seems black and white compared to bisexuality's plentiful shades of grey, through bi-curious to kissing bi to fully bi.
Me? I'm more colourful! I used to be bisexual but I've since discovered the delights of being trysexual - a humorous term for someone who will try anything in the bedroom once.

After its introduction to popular culture in Sex & The City, trysexuality might seem to be the new black but paradoxically, it's a glorious technicolour world where sexual adventures are plentiful, and boundaries are fluid and begging to be pushed On-screen, 'trysexual' characters include Catherine Trammell in Basic Instinct, who made going commando fashionable, and Kim Cattrall playing Sex & The City's superbly slutty Samantha. But while we can all enjoy their on-screen sexploits, can it ever be the same in real life? Is trysexuality just for sexual deviants?
Well only if you think the missionary position is just for missionaries! Have you ever contemplated where each of us stops in our sexual exploration, and why we stop at that particular point - because most people don't try every sexual experience that's possible?
When starting out as virgins we didn't stop at 1st base, or 2nd or 3rd, hell no, we aimed for the score line and touchdown! The same with positions; we might not be in the same sexual league as Prince who sang about '23 positions in a one night stand', but it is normal to try a variety of ways of having sex. So why do some people stop there and others go further, trying things that society might deem aberrant?

How can you decide if you haven't tried?

Could it be that it is easy to assume we don't like something so there s no point in trying? I remember twenty or so years ago I was offered a Chinese meal but replied that I didn't like Chinese food. I was asked if I had ever tried it and embarrassingly had to admit that I hadn't. The thought of it was offputting but my view was clearly not based on reality but a preconception. I was just frightened of something that at the time was outside of my 'norms' and it's no coincidence that non-swingers are referred to as 'vanilla'. However, thinking about something new and actually doing it are two different things.
It helps me to remind myself what fear is - a 'Future Event Appearing Real', a clever acronym of the word. Susan Jeffers said, 'Feel the fear and do it anyway', and her book is inspirational. The Chinese meal incident was an important lesson for me. Life is a succession of experiences - my philosophy is if I try and don't like something, then I'm at least happy I tried. At school, my History teacher predictably stung me with the 'Must try harder' line at the end of every term. I did try hard.

My attempts might not have always equated to success, but it was wrong to think I didn't try - even with a dull subject like History and an even duller teacher like Mrs Johnson. But the time I really felt I deserved those words though, was while going through a hiatus in my libido in my early 30's. It had gone. Not just a little - the whole bloody lot. I was going through depression at the time and you would think a good shagging would have been just the thing to perk me up. But I just didn't want to. Actually, I didn't even think about it most of the time, which was so not like me.

Departing from the 'norm'

From a shy girl losing her virginity to a longterm boyfriend, things changed dramatically a few years later when I came out of my shell. Bedtime with said boyfriend had been as predictable as my History teacher's comments and I needed more. I got single and got myself some serious action. Compared to my friends I wasn't 'normal' - whatever that is - one-night-stands, sex outdoors, fetish wear, spanking, I was up for most things. I started looking at other women and found them attractive. I longed to touch one to see how it felt. Just the thought got me turned on - yet a parochial upbringing made anything other than heterosexuality feel wrong. Brushing aside these shame-based, silly-in hindsight concerns, I went forth and touched - and liked very much.

Later, my libido came back, literally overnight. I'd been devoid of sex and feeling sexy for four years, the only vestige being my bag of fetish wear, toys and riding crop (I didn't have a horse) that had laid forlornly in the back of the wardrobe gathering dust. Suddenly I was rampant, gagging for it, desperate, call it what you like, but I need it - badly! I trawled the internet and found a swinging website. Reading it was a revelation! I realised that my lifestyle had been that of a swinger, I'd just never put the word to it.

Thinking back now, I'm not sure what misconceptions I had about swinging - but couples putting their car keys in a bowl wouldn't be far off. How wrong could I have been!

Fantasies are great things but sharing them can feel wrong. A few months ago a man told me his fantasy. It was nothing extraordinary or kinky, but what struck me was he admitted he'd never told anyone. He'd been in a long marriage until it had broken down and it's sad that he never felt able to tell his wife.

My fantasies were wide ranging and I felt like being a child in a sweet shop. I'd never felt able previously to express my deepest darkest desires in such an open way and not feel judged, and I've not found a shortage of people willing to help me fulfil them.

An introduction to dogging

Dogging intrigued me. Someone online told me he went dogging regularly and offered to take me out. Not knowing where to go or the etiquette, I decided to take him up on the offer. Never having met him before, we arranged a drink first in a local pub and I downed a couple of pints while I nervously asked him all the questions that were racing around my head. With Dutch courage and comforted that it wasn't that scary, we decided to go out - how exciting!

He showed me around various sites, there was no one at the first two sites and we waited around but still nothing. I was so pumped up by the thought of dogging - but I'm not the most patient person in the world. Another site and another wait later, a car turned up. The guy I was with got his cock out and I started sucking it, while getting a running commentary about what gone. Not just a little - the whole bloody lot. the car occupant was doing. The other car put their internal light on, which is a sign that someone is a dogger and up for fun, so we turned our internal light on. The other car's light went off and nothing. Odd. We drove off after a while to another site. The same thing happened but this time the commentary included There are two guys at the window and they're playing with themselves'. Wow,

I was really dogging! I had a great night but can sympathise with single guys who have to be even more patient than I ever could be. They might go out on a regular basis for a month and not have a 'show', let alone a play. And then there are newer people to the scene who can inadvertently spoil it for many. Not dipping headlights, driving right up to cars with a couple in, not waiting for the internal light signal can all put a couple off. I was lucky in that I was taken out and shown the ropes - but guys don't get that opportunity. If you fancy trying dogging, then I'd recommend you read up on the etiquette. And another tip I can give you is, if like me, you need a bit of Dutch courage before going out, stick to wine or shorts. Having so much lager just meant I kept wanting to pee, which is just not sexy unless you're into watersports!

Playing games

Role play can be a fun thing to spice up your sex life too. Some scenes you set might need accessories, such as one of the many uniforms or outfits that can be bought in the high street - or just a damn good imagination. You might decide to meet in a hotel bar and pretend not to know each other, you catch each other's eye, flirt, brush a leg accidentally, then go back and have urgent sex like it's the first time.
I remember being in bed one night with my laptop chatting online to my fuck buddy.We were both horny and he suggested he pick me up and we drive somewhere quiet. I decided not to bother getting fully dressed - well, I would only take it off again I told myself - so just pulled my winter coat over my short satin nightdress. Half an hour later his car drew up and I got in breathlessly explaining that I'd felt like a hooker waiting on a street corner with skimpy clothes on. His concern turned to relief and a cheeky smile when I quickly followed it up with 'bring some money out next time and we'll do some role play!'

Going clubbing

Through the Swinging Heaven website, I found there was a local swinging club. Needless to say I went down there one night and now you can't get me out! I wish I'd known about it years ago. It's not 'sleazy' (my preconception), the people are just normal people who like sex and I've made a lot of friends; the social side of swinging was really unexpected. The one word I would use is addictive. The more you get, the more you want - and the more I've tried, the more I want to try. Like trying to find the edge of the universe and discovering it goes on forever, I still haven't found the boundaries of my sexual limits. Once, feeling thoroughly wayward after a particularly good encounter, I confusingly felt despair that I was getting 'worse and worse'. A swinger friend rightly corrected me - I was getting freer and freer. Not just my body but my mind too.

They say it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, and the same can be said for sex - it's better to have tried and not enjoyed than to have never tried at all.Whether you're a natural neophile or not, consider what your 'to-do' list might include, or use the one I've done. You might be pleasantly surprised at how much you do like and want to do again.Variety is the spice of life after all.When I die, the only regrets I want to have are the things I've done, rather than regretting things I've not done. My 'trysexual' journey has been fun, but I've still not tried all that sex has to offer... yet. However, I am certain that my final report card for the subject of sex won't be 'Must try harder'. I'm anticipating an A+.


For Beginners

  • Toys
  • Role play
  • Go commando
  • Spanking
  • Phone sex
  • Exhibitionism
  • Voyeurism
  • Sex swing
  • Blindfold/handcuffs
  • Make a home porn movie (bad acting optional)


  • Same sex fun MM or FF
  • Anal sex
  • Threesome a) MMF b) MFF
  • Spit roast
  • Swinging club or party
  • Foursome or moresome
  • Dark room experience
  • Domination/submission play
  • Glory hole
  • Pussy pump


  • Dogging
  • Fisting
  • Fetish club (wear leather, rubber, PVC)
  • Bukkake
  • DP (double penetration)
  • Watersports
  • Squirting
  • Pain (hot wax for instance)
  • Strap-on fun
  • Gangbang