Trysexuality: the quest for sexual heaven
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Labels, labels - whether it's
what designer clothes
Victoria Beckham is wearing
or a person's sexual orientation, the world
seems obsessed with labels. Straight and
gay seems black and white compared to bisexuality's plentiful shades of grey,
through bi-curious to kissing bi to fully bi.
Me? I'm more colourful! I used to be
bisexual but I've since discovered the
delights of being trysexual - a humorous
term for someone who will try anything in
the bedroom once.
After its introduction to popular culture in
Sex & The City, trysexuality might seem to be
the new black but paradoxically, it's a glorious
technicolour world where sexual
adventures are plentiful, and boundaries
are fluid and begging to be pushed On-screen, 'trysexual'
characters include Catherine Trammell in
Basic Instinct, who made going commando
fashionable, and Kim Cattrall playing Sex & The City's superbly slutty Samantha.
But while we can all enjoy their on-screen
sexploits, can it ever be the same in real life?
Is trysexuality just for sexual deviants?
Well only if you think the missionary position
is just for missionaries! Have you ever contemplated where each of us stops in our
sexual exploration, and why we stop at that
particular point - because most people don't
try every sexual experience that's possible?
When starting out as virgins we didn't stop at
1st base, or 2nd or 3rd, hell no, we aimed for
the score line and touchdown! The same with
positions; we might not be in the same sexual
league as Prince who sang about '23 positions
in a one night stand', but it is
normal to try a variety of ways of
having sex. So why do some people stop
there and others go further, trying things that
society might deem aberrant?
How can you decide if you haven't tried?
Could it be that it is easy to assume we don't
like something so there s no point in trying?
I remember twenty or so years ago I was
offered a Chinese meal but replied that I didn't like Chinese food. I was asked if I had
ever tried it and embarrassingly had to admit
that I hadn't. The thought of it was offputting
but my view was clearly not based on
reality but a preconception. I was just
frightened of something that at the time was outside of my 'norms' and it's no
coincidence that non-swingers are
referred to as 'vanilla'. However,
thinking about something new and
actually doing it are two different things.
It helps me to remind myself what fear is -
a 'Future Event Appearing Real', a clever
acronym of the word. Susan Jeffers said,
'Feel the fear and do it anyway', and her book
is inspirational. The Chinese meal incident was
an important lesson for me. Life is a
succession of experiences - my philosophy is if I try and don't like something, then I'm at
least happy I tried.
At school, my History teacher predictably
stung me with the 'Must try harder' line at
the end of every term. I did try hard.
My attempts might not have always equated
to success, but it was wrong to think I didn't
try - even with a dull subject like History
and an even duller teacher like Mrs Johnson.
But the time I really felt I deserved those
words though, was while going through a
hiatus in my libido in my early 30's. It had gone. Not just a little - the whole bloody lot. I was going through depression at the time
and you would think a good shagging would
have been just the thing to perk me up.
But I just didn't want to. Actually, I didn't even
think about it most of the time, which was so
not like me.
Departing from the 'norm'
From a shy girl losing her virginity to a longterm
boyfriend, things changed dramatically a
few years later when I came out of my shell.
Bedtime with said boyfriend had been as
predictable as my History teacher's
comments and I needed more. I got single and
got myself some serious action. Compared to
my friends I wasn't 'normal' - whatever that
is - one-night-stands, sex outdoors, fetish
wear, spanking, I was up for most things.
I started looking at other women and found
them attractive. I longed to touch one to see
how it felt. Just the thought got me turned on
- yet a parochial upbringing made anything
other than heterosexuality feel wrong.
Brushing aside these shame-based, silly-in hindsight
concerns, I went forth and touched
- and liked very much.
Later, my libido came back, literally
overnight. I'd been devoid of sex and feeling
sexy for four years, the only vestige being my
bag of fetish wear, toys and riding crop
(I didn't have a horse) that had laid forlornly
in the back of the wardrobe gathering dust.
Suddenly I was rampant, gagging for it,
desperate, call it what you like, but I need it -
badly! I trawled the internet and found a swinging website. Reading it was a
revelation! I realised that my lifestyle had
been that of a swinger, I'd just never put the
word to it.
Thinking back now, I'm not sure what
misconceptions I had about swinging - but
couples putting their car keys in a bowl
wouldn't be far off. How wrong could I
Fantasies are great things but sharing
them can feel wrong. A few months ago a
man told me his fantasy. It was nothing
extraordinary or kinky, but what struck me
was he admitted he'd never told anyone.
He'd been in a long marriage until it had
broken down and it's sad that he never felt
able to tell his wife.
My fantasies were wide ranging and I felt
like being a child in a sweet shop. I'd never
felt able previously to express my deepest
darkest desires in such an open way and not
feel judged, and I've not found a shortage of
people willing to help me fulfil them.
An introduction to dogging
Dogging intrigued me. Someone online told
me he went dogging regularly and offered to
take me out. Not knowing where to go or the
etiquette, I decided to take him up on the
offer. Never having met him before, we
arranged a drink first in a local pub and I
downed a couple of pints while I nervously
asked him all the questions that were racing
around my head. With Dutch courage and
comforted that it wasn't that scary, we decided to go out - how exciting!
He showed me around various sites,
there was no one at the first two sites and
we waited around but still nothing. I was so
pumped up by the thought of dogging - but
I'm not the most patient person in the
world. Another site and another wait later,
a car turned up. The guy I was with got his
cock out and I started sucking it, while
getting a running commentary about what
gone. Not just a little - the whole bloody lot. the car occupant was doing. The other car put
their internal light on, which is a sign that
someone is a dogger and up for fun, so we
turned our internal light on. The other car's
light went off and nothing. Odd. We drove off
after a while to another site. The same thing
happened but this time the commentary
included There are two guys at the window
and they're playing with themselves'. Wow,
I was really dogging!
I had a great night but can sympathise
with single guys who have to be even more
patient than I ever could be. They might go
out on a regular basis for a month and not
have a 'show', let alone a play. And then there
are newer people to the scene who can
inadvertently spoil it for many. Not dipping
headlights, driving right up to cars with a
couple in, not waiting for the internal light
signal can all put a couple off. I was lucky in
that I was taken out and shown the ropes -
but guys don't get that opportunity. If you
fancy trying dogging, then I'd recommend you
read up on the etiquette. And another tip I
can give you is, if like me, you need a bit of
Dutch courage before going out, stick to wine
or shorts. Having so much lager just meant I
kept wanting to pee, which is just not sexy
unless you're into watersports!
Role play can be a fun thing to spice up your
sex life too. Some scenes you set might need
accessories, such as one of the many uniforms
or outfits that can be bought in the high
street - or just a damn good imagination.
You might decide to meet in a hotel bar and pretend not to know each other, you
catch each other's eye, flirt, brush a leg
accidentally, then go back and have
urgent sex like it's the first time.
I remember being in bed one night with
my laptop chatting online to my fuck
buddy.We were both horny and he
suggested he pick me up and we
drive somewhere quiet. I decided
not to bother getting fully dressed
- well, I would only take it off
again I told myself - so just
pulled my winter coat over my
short satin nightdress. Half an
hour later his car drew up and I
got in breathlessly explaining
that I'd felt like a hooker
waiting on a street corner
with skimpy clothes on.
His concern turned to relief
and a cheeky smile when I
quickly followed it up
with 'bring some money
out next time and we'll
do some role play!'
Through the Swinging Heaven website,
I found there was a local swinging club.
Needless to say I went down there one night
and now you can't get me out! I wish I'd known
about it years ago. It's not 'sleazy' (my preconception),
the people are just normal people who like sex and I've
made a lot of friends; the social side of swinging was really
unexpected. The one word I would use is addictive.
The more you get, the more you want - and the more I've tried,
the more I want to try. Like trying to find the edge of the
universe and discovering it goes on forever, I still haven't found
the boundaries of my sexual limits. Once, feeling thoroughly
wayward after a particularly good encounter,
I confusingly felt despair that I
was getting 'worse and
worse'. A swinger friend
rightly corrected me -
I was getting freer and
freer. Not just my body
but my mind too.
They say it's better to
have loved and lost than to
have never loved at all, and
the same can be said for sex
- it's better to have tried and
not enjoyed than to have
never tried at all.Whether
you're a natural neophile or not, consider what your 'to-do'
list might include, or use the one I've done. You might be
pleasantly surprised at how much you do like and want to do
again.Variety is the spice of life after all.When I die, the only
regrets I want to have are the things I've done, rather than
regretting things I've not done. My 'trysexual' journey has been
fun, but I've still not tried all that sex has to offer... yet.
However, I am certain that my final report card for the subject
of sex won't be 'Must try harder'. I'm anticipating an A+.
TRYSEXUALITY To Do List
- Role play
- Go commando
- Phone sex
- Sex swing
- Make a home porn movie (bad acting optional)
- Same sex fun MM or FF
- Anal sex
- Threesome a) MMF b) MFF
- Spit roast
- Swinging club or party
- Foursome or moresome
- Dark room experience
- Domination/submission play
- Glory hole
- Pussy pump
- Fetish club (wear leather, rubber, PVC)
- DP (double penetration)
- Pain (hot wax for instance)
- Strap-on fun