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I can't deal with this

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My wife's always cheated. I didn't suspect until 18 months year after we married but later found out she had fucked somebody I worked with less than 3 months afterwards. I never wanted to lose her so kept quiet and then shortly after our third anniversary whilst away on a business trip, which she had come along on, I caught her being roasted by two young guys, that looked as though they were still in their teens (she was 37) in our hotel room when I returned early from a meeting. I ended up being sick and begging her to stay with me, which resulted in me agreeing to letting her have sex with other men. Although, this has caused me excruciating jealous and extreme feelings of nausea over the years, it has been a price worth paying as she otherwise marriage is great and her being with other men is the most exciting thing for reasons I can not explain or fully understand. It hasn't developed to where I have any say in who or when she has sex with other men and there is not intent for me indulge myself with her afterwards. Simply she sees who she wants, when she wants and I have no say. I can handle all that but what I struggle with, and also what perversely excites me most of all, is how other men hit on her in front of me without and how she will flirt, chat up and potentially disappear with other men in front of me as though I don't exist. And every time it happens, which is too much, I don't expect it. At the weekend, I had to work on Saturday and on my way home I picked her up from town, where's she had been shopping. She was excited about what she had bought and it was nice to hear her happy even though I knew the clothes she was describing weren't intended for me. For some reason I suggested that we stop for a drink on the way home and she agreed saying she could change and show me what she had bought, which made me smile thinking that she did actually want my approval and to show me what she looked like in her new outfit. We pack in the carpark at the back of the pub. It was quiet and no other cars were about so feeling confident I leant over to kiss her and put my hand on her leg. She laughs, that flirty sexy laugh that drives me mad, says ' I promise I'll look a lot more fuckable if you let me go and get changed' and opens the car door. I go to the bar to buy the drinks and she goes to the toilet to change. The pub wasn't busy but there were a few people getting served so I was only just paying when she cameback from the toilet. And wow, she looked amazing. I know I'm biased, I love this woman, I mean I really love this woman but omg fuckable is not the word. A short black dress clinging to her legs, which always looks so hot, as she's got awesome legs that have that also have that gap between then that makes it look as though her pussy is just there waiting for you.....I hate writing this but to a lot of you reading this it probably would be. I have to have sex with her now. She's my wife and I need her. I'm sure other men feel the same but honestly your wife isn't this hot, isn't this pretty, simply isn't this bloody lovely. I'm about to speak and this arrogant twat just walks up to her and asks if he can buy her a drink. I'm about to laugh at the crassness of the question, as she has a full one in her hand that I've just given to her when she gives it back to me without even looking and replies, 'yes please'. For no reason, my immediate feeling is a violent twitching of my continually hardening cock, followed straight away but a gut wrench that makes me want to cry and then humiliation as I notice the two old men at the side of the bar looking at me and laughing, which unexplainably results in a magnified repeat of those feelings. Not sure how long this took before she turns to me and says 'sit down and look after this hun I'll be with you soon' and hands me the bag with the clothes she's changed out of in. 'Pathetic wimp', somebody says as I walk to the seat by the window. I'm not or at least don't think I am but there's not really any other choice. Think about going back. Don't. I want to be sick. I know the few other people in the pub are looking, which I can sort of handle. Don't look up but play on the phone and try not to think how much I need the toilet. Actually they are probably not looking. Look up and they are all looking: at me. At my wife; back at me .... oh bloody hell. Look back at my phone. Don't read anything. Need the toilet. 'Keys!'. I look up, see her face. (She's so fucking pretty). The keys are on the table. I pass them to her. She's holding his hand and walks out the pub with him. A cheer goes up and there's laughter and sniggering. 'he's only going to go and fuck the slut'. I need to get up and leave. I know my cock should be 4 inches long but it isn't, it's 7 and it's rock fucking hard and I'm in shorts and if I walk out, everybody will see it and if I move I might cum. I turn away from the bar as everybody seems to be looking and laughing at me. I look out the window. Why did I sit here? His hands are on her arse, they are walking to the car. Reaching the car, she turns, grabs him, snogs him, he pushes her agains the car, his hand goes up her skirt. 'He's fingering the chaep slut, bloody go on mucky boy'. Why did they come and look out this window? If I don't turn around and walkout the front door. I'm going to cum before she does. 'Get out the way wimp'. I just don't know how to deal with this. I want to go home and snuggle up with her.
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Written by Alan

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