Picture the scene…..
There I was feeling all flu like on Thursday and when I went to bed I began to feel a little queasy. 2am and I was to the toilet with a stomach upset. Nothing too bad – back to bed.
4:20am and I wake up sweating. My stomach is cramping and I am thinking that if it is more than 8 steps from the bed to the toilet in the en-suite I am going to be in a mess! I dash to the toilet and sit down. At this point I start to go. This is no ordinary visit to the toilet.
This is the sort of shit where:
the first thing you hear when you sit down is the Sound barrier being broken in the bowl
you don’t strain to go – you just relax
you hold onto the toilet seat or you are likely to be launched by the force of it
you don’t wipe afterwards – you dab
the aftershock of the smell is still peeling paint 5 hours later
3 hours later you still cannot get off the toilet because a) you cannot stop going and b) your legs have lost all sensation
Have I painted enough of a vivid picture for you? – Sorry!
Anyway – all this has taken place in the dark. I am shivering and shaking because my temperature has soared with the fever and I then do the most inane thing I could do in the circumstances – I flushed!
For those of you who don’t know what I mean I remind you that a man’s body regulates the temperature of his testicles by his scrotum either expanding to let them down to swing in the breeze or shrinking to hold them close to the body. My temperature must have been sky high because my plums were down around knee level. (Why is it that I don’t get the same thing happen to my dick, because I would have 4 radiators in the bedroom if it did?)
I digress…
So there I am – shivering – convulsing - feeling wretched and with my wits having deserted me some 2 minutes before, I flush the toilet only to feel the misery of ice cold water washing my scrotum! It shrank so fast that my mouth slammed shut and I feel like I chipped 2 front teeth…… :shock: :shock:
So – sitting in the dark, miserable and as low as I feel I can get I reach sideways to find an empty cardboard tube on the toilet roll holder…………
“WIIIILLLLLLLLMMMMMMMMAAAAA!!!!!!!†I groan – she lifts her head from the pillow and says “What?â€
“There’s no toilet paper!â€
“Down the side of the laundry basket there is one†she says
“I found my razor†- “Reach further†- “And the Readers Digest’s†- “Furtherâ€
“Ah – got it!â€
And at that point she commented on how bad I smelt, turned over and went back to sleep! That was her contribution to my care that night!
I have never been so miserable in the middle of the night in my life. I now know what Jim Carry meant when he said in the film “Bruce Almighty†that even God had deserted him! (If anyone dares to send me a message telling me how to find God again I swear their arse will end up as sore as mine!)
However – it is now Sunday – I am still going to toilet a lot – I have lost 7 lbs in 72 hours – which I think must be a great way to try fit into a nice outfit for that special occasion. I just need to work out how to market it and get past the only real side effect – how to stop your arse looking like a baboon’s!
The reason I am not better? – Well the doctor decided on Saturday that a sample might help them to identify the culprit – but the hospital labs will not be able to analyse it because the only work they do at the weekend is hospital work. Even though Wilma offered to drive it to the hospital it apparently is still no good.
Instead we have to wait until I collapse – ring for an ambulance – be taken to the hospital – have a sample analysed in the hospital to tell me what I have so they can then treat me when I am in a worse condition that I was 48 hours before. So instead of a course of antibiotics on Saturday morning and 1 lab test result I could end up taking a hospital bed for days and need the care of a whole team of people to get me back to health.
Don’t you just love the mentality that allows this to happen – or am I just in a grumpy mood?
Guess I will have to wait til tomorrow before they can do a test!
Thanks for all your good wishes folks – I will return soon – and for those of you who missed us at the munch – we had already decided not to come to the munch for personal reasons last week. This illness did not change the fact about us coming, it just prevented us from caving in at the last minute and deciding to come anyway!
Anyone wanna snog? :wink: :wink:
Wilma has let me stay out of bed for a few hours now, but I am knackered, so going back to bed – night all! I promise I will catch up on all the posts in the forum when I have the energy.....
Fred
:kiss: :kiss:
:? :cry: :cry:
xxxxx
