Davej, NeilinLeeds, Warwick...........

2 Sep 2004

Quote by neilinleeds
oh shite! i've just posted three times in a row. what a complete fecking postwhore!
steroids? STEROIDS! are you saying i'm on drugs or what? i'll have you for that i can tell yer!
easy! if you think your claim to be proficient in various weapons of death, in a martial arts stylee, including handbags, is in any, way, shape, or form gonna stop me posting, and have me altogether shitting me little self . . . well i'm shitting me little self! bring them clasps on! i did aikido yer know. i can deflect a shuriken without even blinking! peeeeoooowwwww did you hear the ricochet? there ya go!
just so ya know!
neil ;-)
neilinleeds wishes to be absolutely clear that he talks random uttershite, isn't hard ((( at all!!! ))) and expects no less in return! bring it on!
neilinleeds wishes to make it clear that sometimes he posts completely random shite, and finds that even he doesn't get it. bollox!
neilinleeds runs back very swiftly and deletes this entire post

I think he's offering himself up for a s&m session. :eeek:
loon

I blame "care in the community", myself.

Quote by davej
If only it was Haemorroids instead........you wouldn't be jumping all over the place with them I can tell ya!!

:rotflmao: :shock:

2 Sep 2004

*hangs head in shame*
((( tm easy 2004 )))
and dave i know all about piles of complete shite i can tell yer! hurts like feck don't it mate! dunno

neil x x x ;-)

2 Sep 2004

:lol: :lol:
as davej has so graciously steped aside I belive easy should take his place ...and I will volunteer my services as ref :twisted: :twisted:
don't worry neil however I'm not baised in anyway to him winning ......
if he's hurt real bad and cannot get out of bed due to ..lets say a broken leg..I get him just where I want him and can use and abuse him for as long as I want without him escaping :twisted: :twisted: :twisted: wink

2 Sep 2004

broken leg? BROKEN BLEEDIN' LEG? i'll give him a broken leg. now where's the limo? can you drive though cos i'll kangaroo it all over the place and stall and Mr Easy'll whip out his Walter PPK and shoot me. not so good at deflecting 9mm bullets so best avoid that one. i am hard tho! like harder than a big bag of spanners! honest!
i'll set that davej on you though. got some mate with gold plated pliers.
*OMFG i'm such a liar*
*hangs head in shame*
*logs out and has a quiet word with his ((( ahem!!! ))) little self!*
neil x x x ;-)

2 Sep 2004

Quote by easy
Just be thankfull I've not set the match up in a large paddling-pool full of baby oil and had you and Neil strip down to posing pouches for the entertainment of the women on the site.
((TUTTS LOUDLY))

I always said you were resposible for the oil floating in the jacuzzi - now you've got a whole pool of it.
FFS. I go out for one night and look what I come back to find. A whole thread of pure Bollox and I've missed most of it!

3 Sep 2004

Quote by Countess
if he's hurt real bad and cannot get out of bed due to ..lets say a broken leg..I get him just where I want him and can use and abuse him for as long as I want without him escaping :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:

Looks like I need to get the old hosepipe out again (read into that what you will :shock: :rascal: )

Quote by neilinleeds
.......Mr Easy'll whip out his Walter PPK and shoot me. not so good at deflecting 9mm bullets ......

Actuall Neil the Walther PPK is a caliber and not 9mm
Hmmmmmm *eyes TE's avatar* TE You're a good looking lad.....how do you fancy a handbag fight with Neil in a pool full of baby oil in front of a group of slavering, baying women? It's good, clean fun with all monies are going to charity (the Pay For Easys Hotel Room At The Notts Munch Trust).
The countess has volynteered to ref, but don't let that out you off.

3 Sep 2004

Thats all well and good Easy..but I seem to recall the countess volunteering your services
Come on Easy theres no wriggling out of it this time lol

Easy "do you expect me to talk?"
Warwick "nooo mr Easy I expect you to wrestle Neilinleeds"
(said in best sinister goldfinger or is that goldfish voice) :lol:

3 Sep 2004

Quote by VenusnMars
All we need now is Easy, and I`ll be totally fucked.
Venusxxx

You wish!!! :twisted:

3 Sep 2004

Quote by DreamerHelen
All we need now is Easy, and I`ll be totally fucked.
Venusxxx

You wish!!! :twisted:
Yes, I do as it happens, especially since I CAN`T HAVE SEX AT THE MO........
Thank you, thank you so much for bringing that to my attention! banghead

Venusxxx

3 Sep 2004

Quote by neilinleeds
dave! mulberry? MULBERRY!!!! i'll give you bleedin' Mulberry! you'll be wanting Louis bleedin' Vuiton next! you've made far too much money at this gangstering lark, and i'm bleedin' offended by it! 200 quid for a bleedin' wallet. you mad?
warwick? eventually? EVENTUALLY!!! course i took me time to bleedin' come. you think i'm some teenager or what? i am 35 you know!
easy? erm . . . shit hang on . . oh yeah! tuts? TUTS! gimme back me bleedin' tuts! and if you think i'm posing in a bloody pouch and getting all oiled up you have another thing coming! and i won't be me i can tell yer!
neilinleeds feckin' blazin'

ffs neil .......how many TUTS! banghead

and the tuts is mine ty flipa

3 Sep 2004

Quote by easy
Actuall Neil the Walther PPK is a caliber and not 9mm

hmmm really, how... eerm ...eeermmm...interesting: :shock:
Right bloody good idea .....Tune your nominated for the old baby oil wrestling so wash that poxy soap off your body get yer arse up to Easy's house for the old weigh in.
Sort of jockey club rules you know....got to match yer weights evenly, although money is a bit tight so we cant afford proper equipment however we reckon a couple of bum bags each and we will just chuck in some tins of Pilchards till your weights match.

3 Sep 2004

Please please please will you stop it now!......................... as Poor old Debbiewebs here hasn't practiced her pelvic floor exercises for a while................... and finding it hard to keep things in so to speak! redface

ops: :oops:

3 Sep 2004

Dave if we run out of pilchards we could use some of Easys goldfish wink

3 Sep 2004

Quote by warwick
Dave if we run out of pilchards we could use some of Easys goldfish

I think you will find that putting goldfish into bumbags is frowned upon these days, although how the fLuck a goldfish owner can take their pet for a walk without doing this is beyond me.

3 Sep 2004

So it's decided then.
Tune Essence vs Neilinleeds
Weigh-in will be before the Notts Munch and for any of the figters over the weight limit we have this...

Meet Milo. A 2 year-old Staffordshire Bull Terrier/Boxer cross (and he is. Very cross poke

). We've decided not to feed him for a couple of days before the Munch, so if anyone is overweight then we simply take them to the local park, attach a large, juicy steak to their back and give them a 30 second head start. :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:
One way or another they're going to loose weight. :giggle: :smug:
Rules for the fight will be....there's no rules. Scratching, name-calling and hair-pulling will all gain extra points.
For those of you who are unable to attend the Munch, I'm currently in negotiations with Rupert Murdoch about running this event through one of his very popular satelitte stations as a pay-per-view show.
And a word of warning, due to previous problems with over-excited women (having to be restrained and removed by police in riot gear as the usual ex-SAS security chickened out) A large steel cage has been set aside for ladies who "...........have the decorators in".
AS Mr j now considers himself retired from the "sport" (although I do sense a Running Man style comeback at some point) I wonder if he would be so kind as to run the Ticket Office (Dave it's a call box in 'ammersmith wink

3 Sep 2004

mr essence!
much as i respect and admire your bollox, if you can't be arsed to log in for several hours at a time, and miss some complete uttershite, well i hardly see how that can be laid at my door. i shall be charitable, and say i'm sure you did not intend to give offence, but there you have it!
mrs mars!
much as i respect and admire your left breast immensely, that you can't currently have sex, and have strangely aroused me at the mere thought of you not currently having sex, well i hardly see how that can be laid at my door. i shall be charitable, and say i'm sure you did not intend to give me an erection as you tickled my tonsils, but there you have it!
mr warwick!
much as i respect and admire a comedy goldfish moment every bit as much as the next man, that your pc's fooked and you ain't meant to be able to log on and post some more rubbish about goldfish, well i hardly see how that can be laid at my door. i shall be charitable, and say i'm sure you did not intend to spend the twilights years of a shite acting career as a library book shelf, but there you have it!
mr davej sir!
much as i respect and admire mad frankie frazer and told him so has he extracted my teeth, that the gang of ruffians i sent down last night to blow yer bleedin' kneecaps off are now residing in several hundred tins of pedigree chum, well i hardly see how that can be laid at my door. i shall be charitable, and say i'm sure you did not intend to feed 'em slowly through a mincing machine over several hours, but there you have it!
ms dreamer-double-barrelled-name-helen!
much as i respect and admire your 1035th post, and the fact that it seems it might just be the girlies doing the whole oiled up wrestling thing after all, and scratching each others eyes out over mr easy, well i hardly see how that can be laid at my door. i shall be charitable, and say i'm sure you did not intend to give offence, but there you have it!
mr easy!
much as i respect and admire the royal family, and think "gawd bless the queen" on a daily basis, and stand rigidly to attention every time i hear the national anthem, and touch my forelock and say ma'am in a deferential west country accent whenever the countess deigns to look in my general direction, that you felt a need to betray my dog with a clearly identifiable picture emblazoned all over cyberspace, well i hardly see how that can be laid at my door. i shall be charitable, and say i'm sure you did not intend to take the piss out of my poor staffordshire bull terrier, who imaginatively enough is called . . erm . . bullseye, cos he's white and has a patch over one eye, but there you have it!
mrs webs!
much as i respect and admire the picture of your norks with a 1000 scribbled across them, that you still can't wash the permanenet red marker pen you foolishly scribbled across 'em with, well i hardly see how that can be laid at my door. i shall be charitable, and say i'm sure you did not intend to have red scribble on yer tits for the rest of your entire life, but there you have it!
kind regards,
mr leeds.

3 Sep 2004

Quote by neilinleeds
!
mr davej sir!
much as i respect and admire mad frankie frazer and told him so has he extracted my teeth, that the gang of ruffians i sent down last night to blow yer bleedin' kneecaps off are now residing in several hundred tins of pedigree chum, well i hardly see how that can be laid at my door. i shall be charitable, and say i'm sure you did not intend to feed 'em slowly through a mincing machine over several hours, but there you have it!

My dear fellow, If only you had warned me that your associates were on their way down to blow off my kneecaps, I could probably have saved you the hurt and them the inconveniance of being turned into pet food.
Firstly as you are well aware, I am no longer a sprightly young man and have had an arduos life which has taken a toll on my body, the result of which is that my kneecaps were replaced several years ago and the originals, now reside in an old pickle jar that I would have gladly sent you, your associates could then have broken them with a hammer and saved the price of the train fare from Leeds to London.
I would also like to point out that if you really are going to be foolish enough to send these undesirables down, then you might want to train them so that they are less conspicuous when they arrive. Might I suggest that a decent Versace suit, a pair of passable Italian shoes and a decent shirt and tie can all be purchased for less than Â£1500 these days and will help your men meld in better than the cordurouy trousers, flat caps and hush puppies that they turned up in. I would also suggest that the small whispie type of moustache that the younger men from your area wore and the goatee beards that the others wore, have now been unfashionable in this manor for at least five years, therefore a 'flick with a bic' would have been usefull.
Once you have got the appearance right then a few weeks perfecting the accent would also help them to remain incognito. I can only suggest that you sit them down to watch some London based soaps and listen to some old Aurther Mullard tapes as well as getting them to practise the following sentances.
Gis a pint guvnor.
Dont bovver with the salt just stick a wally in.
keep the change son.
Aw fink arm gonna chuck in yer handbag treacle.
I dont want to add to your grief, but it needs to be said. Whilst I would have liked to give your mates a fitting end and turned them into Pedigree dog food, I had to take account of where they had come from and could therefore only turn them into a non pedigree food, pour them into dented tins and sell them to a number of back street curry houses as tinned goat.
I have also observed through your post, that there are a lot of things that you do not think should be laid at your door and have to say that if not yours, then whose, or is this another case of N.I.M.B.Y. behaviour. There is enough fly tipping going on, with fridges and washing machines appearing in every layby, without you trying to lay your rubbish at someone elses door.

3 Sep 2004

RIGHT!!
Sorry ladies, but as a certain gentleman (and I use the term under advisement) in a certain place, has now withdrawn as well and owing to this, my deal with Rupert Murdoch has fallen through, I'm sorry to inform you all that the floorshow/oiled-men-writhing-around-in-a-paddling-pool-full-of-baby-oil has now been.....
CANCELED
I know this will come as a grave blow to the ones that have already bought tickets (Davej, time to leave the phonebox....and I mean NOW), but sadly there can be no show without punch. sad

All that remains to be said is please feel free to take your frustration out on Nei....the afforementioned gentleman at the Munch. Sorry no refunds on the tickets sold (hope Davej's got out of that phonebox) and I'm off to fly-tip 40 gallons of baby oil and a emporer-sized paddling pool somewhere in Leeds......I wonder where. evil

3 Sep 2004

mr davej sir!
please forgive me i can only apologise . . .
now would you kindly ask your associate to remove the PPK, which a pedantic mancunian super spy felt it necessary to reliably inform me is actually lower in calibre than i first suggested ((( oh. sorry. pardon me for bleedin' breathin'! now piss off and don't darken my thread again till you've had a quiet little word with yerself. IT WAS A BLEEDIN' JOKE FFS! jesus! )))
sorry dave getting back to you. i always wondered if this north / south divide thing was a myth! 1500 quid? my house don't cost that bleedin' much! it's all jumble sales and oxfam oop 'ere mate, and i don't take kindly to having me face rubbed in it. you think i can even afford a bleedin' train ticket? National Express mate, end of story!
neil ;-)

3 Sep 2004

Quote by easy
RIGHT!!
I'm sorry to inform you all that the floorshow/old-men-writhing-around-in-a-paddling-pool-full-of-baby-oil has now been.....
CANCELED

FFS It was cancelled before I even knew it was set up (I really must spend more time on the site!) Besides, when I turned up no-one would've recognised me - I'm not an old man!!! (but I am a liar!)