The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.
One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied,
"I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said:
"You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!"
Hi Ms_Naughty
Hows you babe?
Just sent you a PM
NC
xxxxxx
Thanx naughty wigan Couple .. that made me smile
XxX
Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button thats come off of me fly I canny button me pants."
"Oh Angus...I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it"
About 5 minutes later there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of yelling and the sound of a body falling doon the stairs.
Walking back in the door with a blackend eye and a bloody nose comes Angus. The little lady looks at him and says "My god, what in hells name happened to you? Did you ask her like I told you?"
"Aye" says Angus.."I asked her to sew on the wee button an she did, everything was goin fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread... Mr. MacDonald walked in...
Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher, with smart wit,
using a knife, he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor, tall and thin,
by using red velvet, he lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee,
touched it and blessed it, and said it could pee,
Last was a sailor, dirty little runt,
who sucked it and fucked it, and called it a ****
On a business trip to the Orient, Joe decided to spend his last night having wild sex with a Geisha Girl.
Upon returning home three weeks later, he noticed a very weird green, festering sore growing on his penis.
He went to the doctor, Dr. Jones, who, after hearing of his Orient trip and extracurricular activities, told him he had Hong Kong Dong and the only cure was complete amputation.
Joe was horrified, and decided to get a second opinion. Joe contacted Dr. Smith and showed him the green growth. Dr. Smith said, "I am sorry but Dr. Jones is correct. We must amputate right away".
Joe could not accept this. His friend suggested that he visit an oriental doctor. They must deal with this all the time.
He went to Dr. Chu Wong. Dr. Wong agreed with the diagnosis of Hong Kong Dong, but said
"These Amadican Doctors - so quick to Chop Chop chop. Amputation not necesally."
Joe was relieved.
Dr. Wong said "You wait three weeks and it fall off on its own.
With all the trauma & sadness in the world 2day it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important man that past unnoticed last month. Larry la Prise, who wrote 'The Hokey Cokey". died peacefully aged 93.
The traumatic time 4 his family was putting him in the coffin.
They put his left leg in........
Then the trouble started!!!!!!
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.
He was horrified
at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
"Not this time!"
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician
commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home
"I have something to show
you won't believe," he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed,
"Schwartz is dead!"
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."
She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you,"
she said, " pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired
as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied,
"the Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too."
No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing."
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
"How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied:
"Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?"
The bartender replied:
"The same thing
I'm doing to his business down here."
The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
"I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to, " his wife replied.
"No," he insisted,
"I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied,
" now just rest
and let the poison work."
Ethel loved to speed in her wheelchair, and charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel, and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.
One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor, when a door opened and, Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched,
"STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"
Ethel fished around in her handbag, and pulled out a Kit Kat
wrapper, and held it up to him.
"OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner, near the TV lounge, on one wheel,
Weird Harold popped out, in front of her, and shouted,
"STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up to him.
Harold nodded and said, "Carry on, ma’am."
As Ethel neared the final corridor, before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizable erection in his hand.
"Oh, good grief," said Ethel, "Not the breathalyzer again!"
The Honeymoon
A guy out on the golf course gets hit in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said "How bad is it doc?...I'm going on my honeymoon next week.
The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; ..an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these."
He immediately drops his pants and replies,....................... "Look at this,....still in the CRATE!"
Two guys, Brian and Dave, fancied a drink or two but didn’t have much money between them. They could only raise the staggering sum of two dollars.
Brian said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went to the butcher’s shop and came out with one large sausage.
Dave said "Are you crazy? Now we don’t have any money left at all!"
Brian replied, "Don’t worry - just follow me."
They went into the nearest bar where Brian immediately ordered two beers and two whiskies.
Dave said "Now you’ve lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven’t got any money!!"
Brian replied, with a smile. "Don’t worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"
They downed their drinks.
Brian said, "OK, I’ll stick the sausage in my pants. You go on your knees, pull it through my zipper and put it in your mouth."
As Dave did this, the barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued the same scam, bar after bar, getting drunker and drunker, and all for free.
At the tenth bar Dave said "Brian - I don’t think I can do any more of this. I’m drunk and me knees are killin’ me! I’m losin the plot"
Brian said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third bar."
:moon: :moon: :moon: :moon: :moon: :moon:
Be there in two mins ! Ha ha Dracae :kissmyarse:
:arrow: 
:wink:
no hang on you like that :sparring: :sparring: :sparring: :sparring: :sparring: :sparring: 
