Disclaimer ! Any newbie who reads this.... it's just a joke!!!!!!!!!! thanks Mal...
Welcome to the Forum...
as a newbie you may be wondering how to use this wonderful place to get your leg over.
Follow this advice and you wont go too far wrong! Before you know it you'll be the talk of the Forum and will probably have no end of shags lined up.
Introducing yourself
You've joined the Forum, and you want to dive in and make your mark. The best way to get yourself noticed is to say hello. Spend up to a minute writing your first thread, any longer is a waste of your valuable time, write it preferably in text speak as most Forum users love it when you do as it saves time . Something like this is always good:
Im new 2 all this n i wanna meet ya all esp ladeez im xxxx(insert your name) and well up for it... any1 wanna say hi pm me now.
This will set the ball rolling and no end of people will write you a pm saying hi and probably offering you a shag too.
Rules of the Forum
You will notice that the Forum has "moderators". These people are paid handsome sums of money to enforce the rules. But as a newbie you have a week before the rules apply to you. If one of them locks your thread, it's because they can't be arsed to read all of it. Either that or you have been far to funny for their liking. The best way to contact a Moderator about having one of your threads locked is to post a new thread asking why it was locked. normal response time for this is under a minute, and they will get back to you with a reason as to why your original thread was locked. It's against the rules for them to lock your 2nd thread. Make sure you demand to have your first thread unlocked, or else they'll probably forget.
Making friends with the regulars.
The regulars on the Forum are awaiting your input. It doesn't matter if it's totally off-topic, just as long as you say something. Don't sit there thinking i have nothing to say, just post the first thing that pops into your mind. Don't forget to litter your post with spelling mistakes, text speak and suchlike to keep in with the regulars... they love it!
Occasionally a regular may mention your comment is a bit off topic. Don't worry, just explain to them it's an open Forum and you can post what you like. It's just a test used by regulars to see if you have read the rules.
Starting your own thread
After saying hi to every one in your first thread, you'll be expected to keep posting such good stuff. The regulars have probably never seen any of the jokes that get sent around the internet as they are always in the Forum. A good way to make friends in the Forum is to copy and paste the latest internet joke that your mate emailled you. If you have no mates, maybe a quick search on google will find a funny joke or story for you to use.. To make it even more funny, substitute your name into the lead role and pretend it actually happened to you...
I'm still not getting offers of a shag!
Sometimes the regulars forget to offer to shag you. Start a thread asking if this site is all about shagging, or what??? The regulars may be a bit embarressed about forgetting you and not offering a shag on your first day here. If this problem continues, it may be because they are working their way through the list of newbies, and your turn is comming soon. Keep posting in your own thread and ask if there are actually any women on here. This will highlight your need to the female regulars and may bump you up the list.
If you have not had an offer of at least one shag in your first week, then complain to the moderators and they will sort something out for you, after all, this is why they are here.
Your avatar and signature.
Don't forget to put a little picture to help people recognize you. Seeing as you're here looking for a quick easy shag, put a picture up of your tackle, let the regulars know what they'll be getting. It'll certainly help getting you known!
Your signature is the bit at the bottom. Don't worry about putting something meaningful in there, just re-state you want sex with strangers, occasionally people on the Forum can forget the whole reason for you being here.. take this opportunity to remind them.
People are being horrible to me!
Start a thread, explain you worries, and don't be afraid to say what you think. Tell those who have been here for ages that they were once newbies too, that they shouldn't take the piss out of you for writing drivel, and that they are a bunch of losers. Maybe mention in the week you have been here, you haven't had one offer of a shag yet.
The LMU and Dogging section.
To use these sections properly, just type in your age and location. Most people on here are gagging for it so you don't need to waste too much time explaining what you want... let them come to you. In the Dogging section it may help if you don't mention you only have a bicycle as transport.
Getting invited to a Munch
Don't bother reading the whole of the thread, simply post at the end saying you may be able to make it. This lets the organiser know you have been good enough to consider letting them meet you. If for some reason the organiser says you have only been on the site for 5 minutes and can't come, mention in the thread that it's them who'll be missing out and not you! Usually this is enough to get you on the list. Persistence is the key here, as there is a secret list of newbies who have shown their commitment and have kept asking to go. Once you are on the list, ask people if you can have a lift there and back and the use of their hotel room too. Most will offer it willingly to save you a few quid.
So, there you go. Have fun in the world of the Forum... follow this advice carefully and you'll spend a fun five minutes here before getting booted out!
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Guide for Forum newbies.
Sex God
:laughabove:
Brilliant! Captures the essence on both sides of the coin!
Brilliant! Captures the essence on both sides of the coin!
Sex God
Sorry Postie
I know you probably meant this as a laugh but to be honest, I, and I appreciate that this is only my view, think you are well out of order.
In the current climate on here I think your post only serves to make this a less fun place to be.
Sorry
We invite you into the fold and you go and give out ALL the secrets to a successful membership in one post FFS!!
I know you probably meant this as a laugh but to be honest, I, and I appreciate that this is only my view, think you are well out of order.
In the current climate on here I think your post only serves to make this a less fun place to be.
Sorry
We invite you into the fold and you go and give out ALL the secrets to a successful membership in one post FFS!!
im brian and so's my wife
Orgasminator
Nice one Postie 
looks like it'd be a good appendix to this thread , though perhaps you should stick a similar warning at the top so newbies realise it's not being serious?
looks like it'd be a good appendix to this thread , though perhaps you should stick a similar warning at the top so newbies realise it's not being serious?
Mod
'................ and the problem with this', said the big nasty moderator, ' is that some poor sap will read this and not twig the very last line and go on to cause road accidents across the whole Site!'
The Moderator pondered his next move. Does he leave the post as it is and hope that those who cannot read the rules anyway, wouldn't be able to read this and therefore no harm done? Or does he think the eejits that can nearly read will only read the bits they think apply to them and ignore the last sentence?
A tough decision.
but there again, by leaving it, he has someone to blame everytime one of the newbie numpties does something wrong!!
The moderator, happy after his little deliberation, saunters off and wonders how long Postie will last once he gets all the blame - don't you just love Bank Holidays?
Mal
The Moderator pondered his next move. Does he leave the post as it is and hope that those who cannot read the rules anyway, wouldn't be able to read this and therefore no harm done? Or does he think the eejits that can nearly read will only read the bits they think apply to them and ignore the last sentence?
A tough decision.
but there again, by leaving it, he has someone to blame everytime one of the newbie numpties does something wrong!!
The moderator, happy after his little deliberation, saunters off and wonders how long Postie will last once he gets all the blame - don't you just love Bank Holidays?
Mal
Sex God
Postie
I think you have just made life difficult for those who run the site, coz as already pointed out some newbies won't relise this is a joke, and only read the bits they want.
There is already one person who I have seen who has put his 'tackle' up as his av, as it condirdicts all the ideas / good advise we 'mentors' give our allocated newbies via pm etc.
Sorry Postie but I'm not on you with this one.
Just seen the warning
I think you have just made life difficult for those who run the site, coz as already pointed out some newbies won't relise this is a joke, and only read the bits they want.
There is already one person who I have seen who has put his 'tackle' up as his av, as it condirdicts all the ideas / good advise we 'mentors' give our allocated newbies via pm etc.
Sorry Postie but I'm not on you with this one.
Just seen the warning
Quote by Sarah
Postie
I think you have just made life difficult for those who run the site, coz as already pointed out some newbies won't relise this is a joke, and only read the bits they want.
There is already one person who I have seen who has put his 'tackle' up as his av, as it condirdicts all the ideas / good advise we 'mentors' give our allocated newbies via pm etc.
Sorry Postie but I'm not on you with this one.
I've stuck a big red warning on the top now!
Orgasminator
Quote by postie
Nice one Postie
looks like it'd be a good appendix to this thread , though perhaps you should stick a similar warning at the top so newbies realise it's not being serious?
Damn! I knew i should have done a search before typing all of that!
Well you have covered the forums, which were notable for their absence from the thread that I linked to, so I don't think the effort was wasted.
Personally I think both threads are great and might actually help if they're read in the right spirit by newbie single men as sometimes humour is the easiest way to get the point across.
Quote by postie
:laughabove: :laughabove: :laughabove: :laughabove:
nice one postie, wish someone had given me this advice when i joined, maybe then it wouldnt have taken me a year to get a shag
you only had to ask....!!!!!
ffs if only I had known, Kaz goes off to complain to the Mods :lol:
Postie giz uz a shag
:lol: :lol: Quote by kazswallows
:laughabove: :laughabove: :laughabove: :laughabove:
nice one postie, wish someone had given me this advice when i joined, maybe then it wouldnt have taken me a year to get a shag
you only had to ask....!!!!!
ffs if only I had known, Kaz goes off to complain to the Mods :lol:
Postie giz uz a shag
:lol: :lol:Only if you hold my hand into Chams on the 22/10 !!! :lol:
Quote by postie
:laughabove: :laughabove: :laughabove: :laughabove:
nice one postie, wish someone had given me this advice when i joined, maybe then it wouldnt have taken me a year to get a shag
you only had to ask....!!!!!
ffs if only I had known, Kaz goes off to complain to the Mods :lol:
Postie giz uz a shag
:lol: :lol:Only if you hold my hand into Chams on the 22/10 !!! :lol:
mmm I'll think about that one......NO :lol:
but if there's something else you want holding in Chams :wink: :wink: definately!!!
Warming the Bed
i know were newbies so probably going to be making "schoolboy errors" for a while, although i hope not, but that was very funny reading :P
Sex God
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: You forgot to tell them that they had to start a thread about cock size.
They should also ignore the search button - was your ignoring it just to illustrate that fact?
Quote by freckledbird
You forgot to tell them that they had to start a thread about cock size.
They should also ignore the search button - was your ignoring it just to illustrate that fact?
Damn and fuckery.. i knew I'd left out a whole chapter.. the "cock-size" thread... sorry FB!
And erm, yes... the search button is my friend... just didn't think...again!
Sex God
So where were you Postie, when I joined the site.
Is it any wonder that I have failed on all counts thus far, I shall just have to adjust my posts in future.
Now does any one fancy a shag?
John
Is it any wonder that I have failed on all counts thus far, I shall just have to adjust my posts in future.
Now does any one fancy a shag?
John
Warming the Bed
excellent one Postie
you win the sarcasm award of the week.
Made me chuckle anyway
you win the sarcasm award of the week.
Made me chuckle anyway
Sex God
Is fuckery a word? Like thievery?
Bev wanders off to find the 'Postie New English Dictionary'
Bev wanders off to find the 'Postie New English Dictionary'
Sex God
Quote by postie
Is fuckery a word? Like thievery?
Bev wanders off to find the 'Postie New English Dictionary'
It's like a cross between bugger and fuck... as in " oh fuckery, i've bolloxed it up again!"
:shock: let's not mix fucking and buggery up, eh? :lol:
I knew what you meant
Quote by freckledbird
Is fuckery a word? Like thievery?
Bev wanders off to find the 'Postie New English Dictionary'
It's like a cross between bugger and fuck... as in " oh fuckery, i've bolloxed it up again!"
:shock: let's not mix fucking and buggery up, eh? :lol:
I knew what you meant
glad you knew what i meant! Probably best not to mix them up.... could end up with words being said... :shock:
ffs!.... Postie's bored............. this is what happens when u deregulate the Post Office and give them a Bank Holiday weekend off......
... get back to work ya tyke and stop baiting the newbies....... they're scared enough as it is and we really shouldn't be telling them that they face the Spanish Inquisition every time they ...... er............. sorry........ ...... what?......... brb...
(sheepish smile) ..
Just been told by the Mods that the correct response to this post is:
Postie, you're bang out of order and this kind of thread puts the newbies off getting involved in Swinging Heaven and ..... oh fuck this....
I liked ya post mate!!! ... hehehe
... get back to work ya tyke and stop baiting the newbies....... they're scared enough as it is and we really shouldn't be telling them that they face the Spanish Inquisition every time they ...... er............. sorry........ ...... what?......... brb...
(sheepish smile) ..
Just been told by the Mods that the correct response to this post is:
Postie, you're bang out of order and this kind of thread puts the newbies off getting involved in Swinging Heaven and ..... oh fuck this....
I liked ya post mate!!! ... hehehe
Sex God
Quote by dargento
ive just had a novel idea postie...
how about a thread about cock size????
:shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock:
OI!!! you nicked that idea :shock:
