Hi, all~
First off, my apologies, as I know this is going to be a long post. I'm a newbie here and don't have an ad or anything, but just wanted to log in and ask some questions in the hopes of being enlightened a bit. Please don't take offense on anything I say - it's not meant that way - it's just a matter of not really understanding the lifestyle(s) represented here. I don't even consider myself or my partner to be "swingers", really, but that's probably because I don't know the true definition of the term. Who knows? Maybe I'm just being too pedantic.
In any case, perhaps I should start with a little bit about myself. I'm a (recently) 40 year old male and tend to think of myself as "semi-bi" (I say "semi" because I've never engaged in anal with either sex, nor am I interested in the least). My partner, a 34 year old female, is bi-curious and finds attraction to both sexes, but has never had an experience with a woman. We've been together a little over 3 years, and are planning to marry sometime in the not-too-distant future. It's an incredible relationship unlike anything I'd experienced in my life - true soul mates - and I'm thankful each and every day that we found each other. :~)
Although we're both fairly demonstrative and open in our sexuality, we've only taken one other person to bed since we've been together. This was my partner's first threesome experience, too (although I'd had a handful of others in my past). We were visiting a friend in another country, and he'd taken us out on the town one night to see all the sights. Afterwards, we'd invited him back to our hotel room to visit for a while longer (honestly, sex wasn't on the agenda at all). We were all just chatting when he suddenly asked my partner if he could "have a go" at her ample breasts. She agreed and peeled off her top. One thing led to another and they fell into bed together. I peeled off both of their trousers before stripping myself and joining them. It was an incredible night and all came together quite naturally. He surprised me, too, as I'd always considered our friend to be a "rampant heterosexual"! ;~) My only regret of the evening is that we were all a little bit drunk...and we could've had so much more fun if we hadn't been.
A couple weeks later, when my partner and I were talking about the experience - and she was still grinning from ear to ear over it :~) - we decided that it would be nice if we had a friend like that who was a bit "more local". A neighbour recommended we try out an on-line "adult friend finder" site, so we registered on one of them and posted a profile. We began browsing the ads and, within a few hours, the e-mails began to arrive, too. We found both to be a little disturbing and decided, there and then, that we didn't fit in with the "swinging culture" at all. :~( We cancelled our membership the next day.
Here are some of the problems we had with it, as well as the questions that arose from them:
- While the female ads had full-body photos (typically with the face blurred), the male photos were mainly just cock shots. Thus, it was an uncomfortable feeling that we were just "shopping for cock"!
- In most of the ads for couples seeking couples, only the female half of the couple was pictured! What's up with this?! Even if we /were/ just "shopping for sex", we'd certainly want to see "the whole package". To me, "couple" means two partners - why is only one shown?
- Again, in the couples ads, a vast majority touted a "bi-fem" while the male was "str8". Am I such a rarity?! This made me feel a bit out of place and wasn't of interest to either of us. If we're going to be intimate with a couple, we both want to participate fully with both members. (Also, I had a bad experience with an MMF threesome in my youth: The three of us were "engaged" on a bed, but I was not permitted to get within two feet of the other M, who turned out to be seriously homophobic. This made things difficult, to say the least, and robbed the F in our little menage et trois of the DP experience she'd been so keen on.) :~(
- Lastly, in the e-mails and private messages we'd received, it became clear that most of our correspondents were looking only for a quick shag and nothing more. We had two problems with this: First, we'd want to get to know the individual or couple and develop a bit of a relationship - at least starting with intellectual intimacy - before deciding we were comfortable enough to move on to the physical. Second, and above anything else, we're looking for friendship...albeit friends with whom we could share our bodies as well. It just seemed like a "meat market" to us!
I don't know - perhaps we're just looking in the wrong place. Is the "swingers' scene" truly just about sex? If so, then my partner and I are right in figuring that we're not swingers. Is it just people pursuing a string of "one-night stands" with a lot of different partners? We'd much rather share long-term friendships "with benefits" with maybe one or two individuals or couples. Are we being totally unrealistic in our expectations?
And the final problem we seem to centre around my own "semi-" bisexuality: My partner and I are not interested in having sex individually with other people. Any "adult friendship" that gets to that stage we would want to share completely as a couple. We may have two separate bodies, but we share the same spirit...thus, anyone joining us in our bed would need to accept that they can't have one without the other: we're a "package deal". ;~) Funny thing is, we'd posted this in our on-line profile - but the responses we received seemed to ignore this little detail.
Again, apologies for the length of this post and, if you've read this far, thanks for listening to me rant. I just thought this looked like the sort of forum where I might get some answers to a few of our questions and concerns. And big thanks to anyone who might be able to shed a little light on any of this for us! :~)
Cheers,
~Reese
Reese - what an absoultely excellent first post..
I think that if you stay around here and join in the Forum then you will achieve what you desire.. i.e. friendship and swinging in equal amounts..
Regards
Paul
hello There and welcome to swinging heaven ( I am sure others will also welcome you )
To myself what swinging means is the friendship that can be gained along with the sex.
I feel swinging is different for all people there are ones that like it to be a one night stand and then others like to have a good friendship with extras ;) .
I also know of a lot of couples that both partners are bi sexual as well as the fem been bi the male been bi with respective partners been straight. In the lifestyle you will see there are all people from all walks of life each with their own understanding of what they are wanting from the lifestyle.
If it is a couple that you are looking for for a friendship ( which is what i got from your post) then i am sure you will find one .
This is a good site and there are a lot of very nice people in it too people that do not judge by any thing more than we are all human with views on everything in life. We dont all always agree with the next person but i would say if we all liked the same things in life there would be one type of bread in a shop and one dress that everyone wore. ( just my way of seeing life)
anyway enough of me talking crap hope you enjoy the site and i wish you all the best in your search wherever it may take you
:welcome: Reese.
That was a well written first post. You've come to the right place and I think you'll both fit in here very well.
Enjoy.
Regards LC.
Reese, welcome..........
I am not surprised you had grief using ither adult contact routes, even the two good ones we know of are not a patch on SH.
I cannot comment on your sexual orientation, you business folks and yours alone, but I recognise your comment that you wish to experience things entirely as a couple, two bods and one spirit. Carry on in that mode and I think you will find more than just fun and a heap of casual recreational sex. ut do remember that there are plenty of folks in the lifestyle who specifically want nothing beyond the shagging. On he other hand we've made some good friends too over time.
Yes, yes, there are a lot of single blokes out there (but surely not the 95% another poster referred to). And yes you will get lots of mails/pm from them. Part of the deal, mate so put up with it, don't let yourself get twitched by it and ignore em. Let's face it, your post shows at the very least far more intelligence than the crap the sad singles send out. And the Dick pics - I've seen a few in my time and they's need to be really stunning to impress the lady or me. (In fact the only truly mazing one ever spotted belonged to a 67 year old guy from Dover which got a round of applause at a greedy girls nite - from the blokes) .
Do stick around at this site, you'll find it rewarding. Check the munches and socials, try an ad here. Even use the chatroom if your mind-set can cope with the jocular abuse - and interminable single blokes 'on the pull'. And it won't cost you a red cent.
The Kent Host
Thanks, all, for the warm welcomes and advice so far!
Fun365: Thanks for the confidence booster! :~) I do tend to ramble a bit. Will definitely stick around the forums and join in once I've had a chance to explore a bit and get more comfortable with the on-line culture here.
roger473: LOL - may have been a cheap joke, but it was a good one (and, a bit sadly, too true). I have no problem with single males, as long as they're not afraid of a little "bi-play" should the three of us end up in bed together. Our foreign friend who "initiated" my partner into the MMF world was single, and that was fine. It's no problem at all as long as they accept that 1) we're in it for the friendship and sex is just one of the benefits, and 2) if we end up in bed, it's gonna be a mutual "group effort", not just two men sharing my partner and not each other (the latter of which, by the way, seems to be an incredible turn-on for her). And, while I do sincerely respect your straightness, what's wrong with a little cock-play...just as long as it doesn't degenerate into having pretend sword battles and what-not! ;~D
Joanne-ish: For my partner and I, we look forward to the friendships even more than the sex. We're not limiting our interest to bi-couples at all - we'd be just as happy with a bi-male or bi-female (the "bi-" is kind of a prerequisite in either case, though, as we'd want to share). It's great to learn there's such a variety of lifestyles represented here and that, coupled with the acceptance everyone appears to have for everyone else (regardless of their preferences), goes a long way in making us feel more comfortable. :~)
Calista: One thing I've gather so far in browsing through the board is there really is no "average swinger" - this site has really helped expand my definition of the term. And your comment about sometimes desiring a couple that could be "almost an extension of your own family" is just lovely!! :~) Honestly, we'd be more than content with anyone comfortable enough with (or not afraid of) the possibility of a long term friendship. The one thing that impressed me most about the friend we had a threesome with was that things didn't get "weird" afterwards...truly restored my faith in humanity, that (although I must say that he's /really/ looking forward to his next visit to the UK, moreso than usual)! ;~)
Lovecommando: I have to agree with you, there - it definitely seems like we've come to the right place!
outdoorfun: Yeah, you're right, we'll just have to learn to ignore the crap and focus on the genuine people. Based on the responses I've had on this topic so far, at least we now know that they (you all) exist. :~) We were just put off by the fact that everyone who replied to our AFF ad seemed to want a quick shag - which is totally acceptable, albeit not our thing - and that was it. Despite being an overtly sexual couple, I guess we're still a bit conservative.
Thanks again to all for the feedback and looking forward to the friendships we can gain by being part of the SH community...
~Reese! :~)
Welcome to the site, a nice impassioned post, and at least from where I sit you don't seem unusual in your requirements or beliefs. Unlike a lot of people though you have IMHO that vital element to any good swinger, you know who you are, what you want, and have a sound relationship / personality base to work up from.
As you say a lot of people don't realise the reality of swinging, are not really grown up in themselves, and just want quick sex (for themselves), not even sharing with the girl (or guy) they are with, let alone understanding a sharing 3 some. You will no doubt have to accept quite a few mails from this type of person, don't let them get you down, the 'real' people are out there, and here one of the best places to find them.
I am sure if you stick around in the cafe for a while you will meet some of the better side of humanity, and maybe from there you can move on to a more physical friendship in the future. Even if you don't go physical with anyone (I don't for example) you can make some good friends through here and put the world to rights with some intelligent, open minded, wonderful people.
:welcome:
roger743: Nah - I can do without the "sword play" - 'though I wouldn't be opposed to providing a good scabbard (erm, just orally, of course)! ;~) P.S. Your "swinger's bible" is priceless!! :~)) Thanks for the laugh!
tallnhairy: Thanks for that. I agree that a solid relationship, for a couple, is an absolute necessity if you're going to pursue intimacy of any type with anyone else...otherwise, you're just asking for trouble. That said, we could never imagine engaging in a threesome with one-half of another couple if their partner wasn't totally aware and agreeable with what was going on. Although we've only been together for three year, the game of "keeping secrets" was abandoned a long time ago - and we'd expect no less from anyone else with whom we got involved. I don't care if they're married and their partner doesn't want to participate - as long as their partner know what's going on and is OK with it is all that matters to us. I've definitely seen some of the "better side of humanity" in the few hours since I've been here and, even if nothing progresses to a physical relationship, just the friendship and camaraderie here makes all the difference in the world!
Mark: Personally, I just joined the forums in the hopes of getting answers to a few questions, but have found so much more here just in the past few hours! Everyone here has been terrific. Not sure if we're quite ready for a "munch", but thanks for the whisper anyway. Oh, before I forget, any chance you can help me get my cock pic on-line?! ;~P No, no - just kidding. Thanks so much for the welcome.
VenusnMars: Struck a chord indeed! I've read your ad, and we seem so similar! Well, except for the "couples only" bit, as we'd be just as happy with a single man or woman (either being bi-, of course). The kids are an issue for us, too, which is why we could only host guests on weekends (when their Dad assumes parenting duties). Just a shame you guys aren't local! ;~) As a side note, I do appreciate you mentioning that you were both smokers in your ad. My partner and I both smoke a bit, and that was one of my big concerns when we shared our friend in the MMF threesome, as he's a non-smoker. To be honest, neither of us can remember if we'd snogged him - we were all a wee bit pissed at the time - but I can only imagine the unpleasantry of a non-smoker getting their tongue in my mouth! ;~P Huge respect for the "play safe" bit as well! And, yes, I /do/ consider my question answered. :~D Again, shame we're so far away...
~Reese! :~)
Reese, well to be honest we hadn`t considered couples only until we hung out here for awhile. It was suggested to us that that maybe a good starting point for us, and to be honest, for now I think we will be much more confident with that. Take a look at our website (sell it Venus, sell it!), we expand a little on the ad. The closet exhibitionist in me tried to keep it tasteful!
Venusxxx
VenusnMars: Yeah, I'm sure that there are a lot of genuine single males here, but they seem to be a bit outnumbered (although I agree that The Cafe appears to be a "safe haven"). Really, it's the "predators" that turn me off - the ones trolling for a quick shag and not taking the time to get to know their "prey" first (i.e. ignoring what's stated in the ads and profiles).
Again, it's nothing personal against singles, as we'd be perfectly content with single bi-fems or bi-males. I suppose the only genuine concern that remains about developing a relationship as a couple with a single male or female would be the potential of everything to change if they at some point coupled with another single, exclusive partner who wasn't agreeable to the lifestyle. Guess that's just a built-in risk you have to be willing to take.
And another good point you have there; that, in joining up with another couple, you'd already have that common ground to start with. You also get the benefit of their own thoughts and experiences on approaching swinging from the perspective of a stable, committed relationship. I've found that, when you've been in a secure relationship as a couple for a while, there starts to be a bit of a "cultural chasm" between yourselves and singles, thus making another couple far easier to relate to in the context of friendship. It definitely sounds as if you've chosen a good, comfortable starting point.
We, too, would be sadly disappointed if we met up with someone who had represented themselves as "bi-" or "-curious" and turned out in fact to be a "raving straight" - no disrespect to the heterosexuals among us, mind. ;~) I suppose there /are/ ways to get a better idea of their genuineness of orientation before ending up in an uncomfortable situation in bed, though. However, in the absence of a good battery of standardized tests, I'm not sure there's a lot you can do apart from rely upon your own intuition. I suppose you could "test the waters" during an initial meet-up, but a lot of the bisexuals I've known - especially males - tend to conceal that aspect of themselves in public...thus, any "playful advances" to assess their reaction would be out of the question. Dunno.
jezzay: Thanks for the confirmation that one can develop a "crush" on a couple as well as an individual! Of course, there might be some cases in which you'd be attracted to both members, but for different reasons. Isn't it just beautiful when you can find yourself drawn to them as a "whole" - to their bond as soul mates - and truly see the two of them as a single entity? That's gotta be a rarity...and, as a couple, something to aspire to.
~Reese! :~)
There is absolutely nothing I can add to this thread except to say :welcome: to the forum.
Take care
Dave_Notts
Reese,
with respect friend
it would perhaps be better to discuss with Mark or the mod in question, rather than go off on one.
I would imagine the reason removal was sought was because there is the element of raising money. I grant you that in this case it is for charity.
you counter argument would then be to refer to the stickied charity jump thread. there are similarities , but then there are differeces
talk with the mods
shouting and getting annoed will do no good
by the way I do think that what Vix is doing id rather good and different , Strength to her arm and continued perkinesss to her breasts long may she continue in what she is doing.
Gilbert
early morning pensive
I've got rid of it.
Did not want to offend anyone, did not think I would. Still, there ya go.
Yours (the 'inappropriate') website 'pusher'
That's very very nice of you.
We are so totally impressed with this site and with ALL the people we have spoken to here.
). As we are new to this, we decided that we didn`t want to have to deal with weeding out potential pisstakers, we want our first foreys to be good experiances, and I do regret that our attitude does leave the genuine guys on the outside (for now). But also, until we find our feet, we feel that it would be good to make friends who we can relate to more fully, which would be the couples, as swinging within a relationship is a whole new ballgame, and will immediately open a line of conversation we can all relate to. That said, we are interested in scenarios which will only involve one other (including the elusive bi-fem), so in time we will explore further. :twisted: 
Please! I`ve really enjoyed the banter I`ve had with you, and discussing our similarities in what we want from this place, I`d hate to see anything go wrong with that. 
