FFS Essex
Its bad enough being used and belittled in this way without you adding insult to injury
Dont be so fking insensitive please, if you cant be sympathetic or constructive, then say nothing.
Whatever you might think, its cruel and thoughtless for people to be so ignorant to a third party in a swinging situation.
Its exactly this attitude which is causing the problem.
Tending to go with the girls on this one thinking you bit 'left of center' on this essex bit on the flippant side mate. No offence intended.
This is good stuff so worth reading peoples perspective on stuff as sometimes it can reveal stuff that makes you go - i never gave that a thought!!
Great topic needs to be threshed out fully bring it on ...........
ive also comented else where but have bought my thoughts here and added some at the end, having had more time for reflection.
Firstly
I cant realy speak from direct experience as i have never been part of a FFM yet. I have been a single bi-fem and am now part of a cpl seeking a single bi-fem.
When swinging as a single bi-female i got the impression from some couples that i was thinking of meeting,that i would be a extra or toy for their amusement i didnt feel comfortable with this and did not meet them.
So now as a couple seeking the company of a single bi-female, i would like her to feel as i would have wanted to feel in her situation. We would see her and treat her needs equal to ours. Sure she wont be on the same level relationship wise as we are but sexualy/play wise we would very much wish/hope she would be. We would like her to want to rock our world as much as we would want to rock hers,and that everybody would enjoy the meet as much each other. In our mind its about 3 people playing with each other and not a 2 on 1 or any other number.
I would feel gutted if at the end of play we were not all happily shagged out and upset if i found out anybody wasnt happy with how things had gone and didnt feel they could say something.
We all learn from mistakes and situations,the key is try and get things right next time and the only way this can happen is by being honest and talking thro how you feel,and making sure everybody knows how all 3 of you would like things to be.
Sometimes this pre-talk might not be a option and the 3sum may just occur,but everybody has to be able to say if its not happening for them. I now personaly would rather not play at all than have a bad play. But in my early swinging days i didnt know what was what. and did a few times end up going thro the motions in a situation i wasnt happy i said earlier we need to learn from our experiences and i have. But am sure i still have loads to learn and mistakes to make too,as swinging for me is evolving all the time.
I stoped playing as a single bi-female as i felt like a comodity and it just wasnt fun for me anymore. What i mean as a comodity is very broad from feeling like any hole is a goal to feeling overwhelmed by the attention i recieved, and almost feeling like i was going to sufficate. Not a pleasent way to feel and having spoke to many single females, alot of them take time out from the active play part of lifestyle regualary and some stop playing all me swinging is all about having fun and i cant have fun if everyone else isnt into it as much as me,its also about respect and that needs to come from all partys involved.
Dont be put off if its something you still want to do,coz as we all know when a meet works well it rocks!
Communication is the only way to go before,during and after imho.
Nicky
Don't get me started....oh shit I'm already started :shock:
As a single bi-fem I've done a fair few 3 sums, mainly MFF and the majority before I joined the swinging 'scene' last year. My first 3sum since joining the scene shocked me...
Imagine it, ok not via SH but at a swinging club, start chatting to a couple while we;re in a hot pool, both nice, sexy etc, so we start to get it on...a while later while the lady swims a little distance away he starts apologising saying sorry I want to but I can't...what I ask...have sex with you...this was half an hour after starting. Til that point I knew nothing about 'soft swing' and couldn't comprehend at the time but now I understand. Ish.
I posted a message on SH shortly thereafter trying to understand what 'soft swing' was about and why couples choose that option but it was like tumbleweed - the silence was deafening. I have to say the experience and the silence from cpls to explain have put me off MFF somewhat.
OK, I like both men and women but not if in a meet MY NEEDS are ignored. That might be too strong but if peeps won't make it clear up front that they are soft swing only, and I'm sure there are other scenarios that lead to feeling let down, then sorry but I feel used, merely there to 'service' the lady before she has her fun with her man leaving the single fem to leave or watch. :twisted:
I undertand how you feel dark and wonder if being and feeling used IMHO may be quite common by the 'spare' bi-fem. I haven't met a cpl since that time but hope to meet one I've been speaking to shortly. But if that goes the same way then I doubt I'll continue to seek cpls as a single fem.
well....my feelings about the whole SBF thing have been well documented over the year i have spent on this forum (see SBF - the holy grail part 1 lol) and all i will say here is that i have experienced the exact same thing, amongst worse. these days, i dont actively seek to meet couples at all as it really hasnt got any better!
i do look forward to getting back from work this evening and seeing some more responses, nice one darkfire :thumbup:
I guess I'm just really lucky. Whenever I've played as a SBF I have always been made to feel a big part of the playing and not a spare part at all and that's something I aim for when I play as a couple now too.
As part of a couple I fully understand that the whole experience is not just about me or us as a couple... it's about everyone involved. We're comfortable enough in our relationship to give the other fem more attention than we give each other during any playtime. Hopefully that means that the fems we have played with have left us feeling like she was special and had all of her needs met, but at the same time knows that we've had a jolly good time too . Playtime is for experiencing things that we can't do with just the two of us and we get a lot of pleasure from being able to experience that and maybe it's because of that that we are both comfortable with giving more of our attention to the third party.
Personally I think it's incredibly selfish of them to have left you feeling so excluded. My pleasure is centred around that of those I'm playing with. If my play partners are happy, then the chances are I will be too.
I know my partner well enough to know when he needs some attention and he knows the same for me. I guess it's hard to keep everyone happy in a MFF if you don't have that kind of connection.
I'm kind of rambling now, only just finished my first coffee. I may come back to this later
Unless you choose your singles wisely (and I have to say I have been fairly lucky on that score) you are far better to have FFM with couples – that’s my preference anyway.
As for what is the SBF role – it is exactly what the SBF wants it to be. Nobody else has a say in the matter!
I don’t meet newly formed couples or inexperienced couples. Even though I know what I want my role to be, I always ask the couple first what they imagine will happen and how they see me being part of the play. If what they say doesn’t match what I want – it ain’t happening!
It is not about only getting my way – it is about finding the people who want the same things so the experience is a good one.
I have not always got it right. I did have a few ‘spare part’ experiences before I refined my selection techniques.
One couple even decided they would kick things off by letting me sit and just watch them and eventually ‘allow’ me to touch as instructed. The wifey then tried to push me out of the way when I was giving oral to her hubby because she thought I had been doing it too long and proceeded to fuck her hubby again. They couldn’t understand why I left.
There are plenty of couples out there who know how to treat a sexual guest to make her feel wanted in the situation, but it only happens if that is what they want to happen.
As for singles meeting for FFM, I have found it is a much better experience if I know the woman better than the man. Discussing with the female how you will both interact with the guy, what you can do together, how you can work as a team tends to mean you do work together – it does benefit the guy too in the long run. And as a final note: select a guy who is a real ‘giver’ with staying power and multi-tasking ability.
Speaking from the couple's side, when we had a FFM we treat her with the absolute utmost respect. We both made sure her happiness was paramount and we both gave her plenty of tlc and attention. The excitement for me is seeing Jay enjoy himself with another woman and I get to enjoy her company also.
I feel for the single female (and single male to be fair) coming to meet a couple. They are joining a union that is very loving and water tight, that must be hard and we respect their feelings.
We just kept talking to her, reassuring her and making sure we were all happy.
Dont give up Darkfire or anyne else who has had a less than happy experience.
It sounds like ive been very lucky in finding a couple who ive clicked so well with and when this thread started I said to my self ive been lucky but having just read Polo's post, Ive realised what ive actually done is to vet or weed out couples who i didnt think would fit the bill
I think its because im not primarly interested in any male involvment, and that ensures attention is evenly matched. Having said that, i never say never and i surprise myself by finding once i get to know a guy, i feel more comfortable with his involvment.
If your going into an already estblished situation, your the odd one out and it takes nerve, They need empathy for your situation and the discipline to make sure your not left out in the heat of the moment
I always knew that 'friends first' was important for me. Wham bam sex isnt worth having. It doesnt neccesarily have to mean emotional involvment but there has to be a foundation on which to build. Sex on its own doesnt ammount to much but the wider picture sets the scene
I guess all this means be more careful and choosey in who you select to play with. Maybe change the dynamics and as Polo said, find a single bi fem to team up with and you be the couple and find a single guy
Jaymar and Polo Lady.....maybe you could write a swingers guide for couples looking for the SBF
I think that sometimes people get caught up in the big flashing lights of FFM,MMF ect headings and do forget what is actually important,and that is people getting together to have sexy fun and pleasure each other. Theres alot involved in a happy full bodied swinging experience and the more people involved the more important it is that everyone is reading from the same page. Everyone male,female,couples and singles have the potential to feel used or devalued from less than ideal situations. Only with experience can you get a better handle on who is right for you to meet and who maybe isnt.
I see it a little like our first early sexual experiences,the first few times you ever shaged,gave oral,recieved oral ect for most people it wasnt earth moving,it was a fumble,possibly even disappointing but with time the experiences improved and become what it is today. If we all gave up those first few times look what we would have missed. It should be easier now as we are all adults and should be reasonably sexualy confident but fumbles are still gonna occur occasionaly when trying something new. I have a unwritten rule that i will try what ever i want at least twice before i decide i dont like it lol.
I think what pololady and some others have said is something everybody should adopt and that is only play the role you want and find others that fit with that.
Nicky
Now theres an oxymoron
Jaymar, when did many people have COMMON sense?
Its very UN common
But to those of us who have a conscience , a heart, and are aware of our surroundings its the natural thing to do
I still get dozens of messages from single men, i still get wispers, even when i blow my top and bollock them, so i guess THEY are the types who treat SBF's in this shameful way. Selfish, ignorant and pathetic
I started off on this site as a single gay female and have now defected to the midway point of being single bi fem.. the holy grail ! (not a title I am comfortable with). I find the attention I get off couples more than annoying. That said I have had one lovely experience of being with a couple on one occasion. It is something that I would repeat with that couple but not something that I am keen to do with others. I have considered it, but when discussing things with couples have found their expectations don’t match mine. This is in no way unexpected, as I speak to loads more single men and realise that their expectations don’t match mine either. Incompatibility isn’t about them it is about me and my expectations. I am here for quality sex with sexy people. I can get a quick leg over whenever I go out clubbing, but that isn’t what I want.
If I have an incomplete sexual experience then I look to my questioning and discussions before hand. I certainly wouldn’t name and shame anyone to anybody. I have too much respect for the fact that I have been invited to share someone’s body… and that is an honour not a right.
I do discuss at length before I become intimate with someone. More often than not this can be by PM or MSN.. and then by telephone or over a coffee… this is just the way I am. That process in itself weeds out plenty of people.
There are people I am not compatible with, within every social group - that is life and is not just about sex.
splendid
, so, your contributions please! What is the role of the SBF? 
