Sarge I wanna be in the same trench as Venus!
me sarge! :bounce: me sarge! :bounce: Pleeeeeaaaaasssseee !!!!!!!!
Sex God
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Letter from Clerk to Swinging Heaven Municipal Boro
Arti Tificer
Swinging Heaven Military Training Camp
Location: secret
Artimis Tificer
Green Lane Farm
Shropshire
Dear Gran,
Hope you are well and the bunions are not playing up too bad. All is well with me, just a bit tired after all the physical training we have to do.
Everybody takes it very seriously, in fact I saw Mrs FC helping the Sarge with his press-ups last night. She’s a game sort, and no mistake. I can’t run much but I can lift all the weights easy: nothing compared to what we do on the farm. You know what they says Gran:
‘Shropshire born and Shropshire bred
Strong in arm and weak in head...’
True in my case eh Gran? We’ve done lots of manouvres; not sure what they’re about really. We just charge about in the van and my Land Rover, with different coloured armbands on. Sarge shouts, then Fred shouts back, then Sappho cries, then Will starts jumping about and screaming for a sword….all a bit weird really. I just minds me own business.
We haven’t got our guns yet: I’ve lent them my two air rifles and the shotguns. Most of ‘em are ex-(real) military and can’t hit bugger all with a shotgun. I’ve told ‘em to save the bloody cartridge and just lob the gun at ‘em, do more damage that way. We’ve converted the tank to run on red diesel; course, I was the only one that had red diesel…but not to worry, Sarge has given me a signed ‘promisory note’, for after the fighting is over, when I will be paid back with interest!! I can’t understand why he’s signed in invisible ink but he says that’s for security. He’s really clever is Sarge, you’d love him Gran. He knows long words, can do all sorts of card tricks and knows people in AMERICA!! Blimey Gran, must remind you of Jim Jimson, the GI you keep talking about that stayed with you and Great Granny Ada during the war, you know, the one that everyone said looked a bit like me.
Well Gran, they’re not feeding us too well: I’ve never seen such a bunch of finicky eaters in my life! Kit keeps giving us something called ‘splag….sparg….spraggott…..oh, buggered if I can remember it , long stringy , Eyetalian stuff. Horrible. Not sure if she’s preparing it right ‘cos it’s really long and chewy, almost impossible to eat: I would a’thought you needed to cook it or summat. I got so fed up last night, I went and shot two pair o’ rabbit and three brace o’pheasant (I know it’s out o’ season Gran, but I was fearsome hungry). I was merrily gutting ‘em in the jacuzzi when I got called all sort of nasty names by the girlies (and they SHOULDN’T o’ been in there Gran, they’re banned!). Mrs FC fetched up her dinner….quite made old Fly’s day, he soon mopped it up. Oh, yeah, the old lad’s still here: tracker dog or summat they call him. Trouble is, he only tracks anything he can get his leg across.
Well Gran, must go now, time for security check. Please don’t worry about me Gran; I’m fightin’ for a just cause-not sure what it is, but Sarge’s word is good enough. Apparently, all sorts of nasty men are lined up against us: you know me gran, used to love a scrap on a Saturday! But I’m not scared of dyin’ Gran, well, not much, well, quite a bit really Gran……
I miss the animals Gran…..and , I miss you. If I don’t come back, will you, look after me trees that I planted in the back end: I always said I wanted something to be remembered by…and remember me Gran…cos I’m scared. Ask Vicar Hopkins if he might say a little prayer for me…I miss the animals Gran…..but we is all good mates here…oh, jolly fun, just like the Shropshire Pals must have been when they marched off to the ‘Great War’!! All a’ singin’, swapping jokes…what fun….but I miss the animals Gran…
I hope I’ll make it through
Look after the ferrets , if…..if I don’t
I really do love you all
Arti
PS Gran, I may as well say this….I know you are really me Mum, and not me Gran. I’ve known for years. Aunt Aggy let it slip one night at the Bull, after she mistook vodka for tonic water. She told me all about your sports teacher at the village school, and how you had to disappear for a bit, and came back with me . But don’t worry, cos I loves you whatever.
PPS I miss the animals mum….
Swinging Heaven Military Training Camp
Location: secret
Artimis Tificer
Green Lane Farm
Shropshire
Dear Gran,
Hope you are well and the bunions are not playing up too bad. All is well with me, just a bit tired after all the physical training we have to do.
Everybody takes it very seriously, in fact I saw Mrs FC helping the Sarge with his press-ups last night. She’s a game sort, and no mistake. I can’t run much but I can lift all the weights easy: nothing compared to what we do on the farm. You know what they says Gran:
‘Shropshire born and Shropshire bred
Strong in arm and weak in head...’
True in my case eh Gran? We’ve done lots of manouvres; not sure what they’re about really. We just charge about in the van and my Land Rover, with different coloured armbands on. Sarge shouts, then Fred shouts back, then Sappho cries, then Will starts jumping about and screaming for a sword….all a bit weird really. I just minds me own business.
We haven’t got our guns yet: I’ve lent them my two air rifles and the shotguns. Most of ‘em are ex-(real) military and can’t hit bugger all with a shotgun. I’ve told ‘em to save the bloody cartridge and just lob the gun at ‘em, do more damage that way. We’ve converted the tank to run on red diesel; course, I was the only one that had red diesel…but not to worry, Sarge has given me a signed ‘promisory note’, for after the fighting is over, when I will be paid back with interest!! I can’t understand why he’s signed in invisible ink but he says that’s for security. He’s really clever is Sarge, you’d love him Gran. He knows long words, can do all sorts of card tricks and knows people in AMERICA!! Blimey Gran, must remind you of Jim Jimson, the GI you keep talking about that stayed with you and Great Granny Ada during the war, you know, the one that everyone said looked a bit like me.
Well Gran, they’re not feeding us too well: I’ve never seen such a bunch of finicky eaters in my life! Kit keeps giving us something called ‘splag….sparg….spraggott…..oh, buggered if I can remember it , long stringy , Eyetalian stuff. Horrible. Not sure if she’s preparing it right ‘cos it’s really long and chewy, almost impossible to eat: I would a’thought you needed to cook it or summat. I got so fed up last night, I went and shot two pair o’ rabbit and three brace o’pheasant (I know it’s out o’ season Gran, but I was fearsome hungry). I was merrily gutting ‘em in the jacuzzi when I got called all sort of nasty names by the girlies (and they SHOULDN’T o’ been in there Gran, they’re banned!). Mrs FC fetched up her dinner….quite made old Fly’s day, he soon mopped it up. Oh, yeah, the old lad’s still here: tracker dog or summat they call him. Trouble is, he only tracks anything he can get his leg across.
Well Gran, must go now, time for security check. Please don’t worry about me Gran; I’m fightin’ for a just cause-not sure what it is, but Sarge’s word is good enough. Apparently, all sorts of nasty men are lined up against us: you know me gran, used to love a scrap on a Saturday! But I’m not scared of dyin’ Gran, well, not much, well, quite a bit really Gran……
I miss the animals Gran…..and , I miss you. If I don’t come back, will you, look after me trees that I planted in the back end: I always said I wanted something to be remembered by…and remember me Gran…cos I’m scared. Ask Vicar Hopkins if he might say a little prayer for me…I miss the animals Gran…..but we is all good mates here…oh, jolly fun, just like the Shropshire Pals must have been when they marched off to the ‘Great War’!! All a’ singin’, swapping jokes…what fun….but I miss the animals Gran…
I hope I’ll make it through
Look after the ferrets , if…..if I don’t
I really do love you all
Arti
PS Gran, I may as well say this….I know you are really me Mum, and not me Gran. I’ve known for years. Aunt Aggy let it slip one night at the Bull, after she mistook vodka for tonic water. She told me all about your sports teacher at the village school, and how you had to disappear for a bit, and came back with me . But don’t worry, cos I loves you whatever.
PPS I miss the animals mum….
Sex God
Sarge venus is planning to go underwater dogging...I wanna transfer to the submariners sarge.
I'M GOIN SWIMMING I'M GOIN SWIMMING :happy: :happy: :happy:
I'M GOIN SWIMMING I'M GOIN SWIMMING :happy: :happy: :happy:
Sex God
Okay Sarge! Reporting for duty as instructed. Having carried out a two-day surveillance tour in Norfolk I have reported to the Ministry of Intelligence for direct instruction from the Minister herself.
There have been many briefing and debriefing sessions. This led to a little confusion and at one point I managed to lose my briefs in a briefing session.
The two of us went on an undercover operation to Shrewsbury today. We were nearly discovered and had to take refuge in a bridal wear shop. Sappho seemed very excited and I have very nearly recovered from the shock. :shock: I think one more bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon should do it!!!
I am a little worried about Arti as he seems to be confusing his female relations. In particular his mother and grandmother seem to have become one person in his mind. Not an unusual happening in these parts I believe.
I will need to sign off as the Minister has some more 'under covers' training for me to undergo. All in the name of duty you understand.
I shall await further instructions and look forward to a brief meeting with Kit and Kat tomorrow.
Yours in readiness,
hmmm hmmm ll
(Intelligence Officer Southern Region)
Undercover in Shropshire
There have been many briefing and debriefing sessions. This led to a little confusion and at one point I managed to lose my briefs in a briefing session.
The two of us went on an undercover operation to Shrewsbury today. We were nearly discovered and had to take refuge in a bridal wear shop. Sappho seemed very excited and I have very nearly recovered from the shock. :shock: I think one more bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon should do it!!!
I am a little worried about Arti as he seems to be confusing his female relations. In particular his mother and grandmother seem to have become one person in his mind. Not an unusual happening in these parts I believe.
I will need to sign off as the Minister has some more 'under covers' training for me to undergo. All in the name of duty you understand.
I shall await further instructions and look forward to a brief meeting with Kit and Kat tomorrow.
Yours in readiness,
hmmm hmmm ll
(Intelligence Officer Southern Region)
Undercover in Shropshire
Sarge or is it Chuffers Dandruff ? WHO IS IN CHARGE!!!
I am concerned about Arti I know he's a young country lad and loves his animals but I fear this could be the breaking of him... I mean, to seperate him from those lovely sheep... :shock: I have taken it upon myself in the absence of Fred to speak with the hmm hmm and they have agreed to knit extra combats and socks, scarfs and woolie hats for those chilly nights....don't be concerned about the new colours I said shocking pink, lime green and lilac would blend in with the surroundings :shock:
I have also sent a despatch via carrier donkey to the enemy informing them that Arti is a special double agent on our side... just in case :shock: :doh:
I am concerned about Arti I know he's a young country lad and loves his animals but I fear this could be the breaking of him... I mean, to seperate him from those lovely sheep... :shock: I have taken it upon myself in the absence of Fred to speak with the hmm hmm and they have agreed to knit extra combats and socks, scarfs and woolie hats for those chilly nights....don't be concerned about the new colours I said shocking pink, lime green and lilac would blend in with the surroundings :shock:
I have also sent a despatch via carrier donkey to the enemy informing them that Arti is a special double agent on our side... just in case :shock: :doh:
Instructions received from HQ
Jane, your mission for the next two weeks is of a delicate nature, it is down to you to boost the morale of our poor boys on the front. This may be undertaken in anyway necessary. Your previous training in this area should be adequate. You will need to rendevous at 1100 hours at ****** to collect the various high tech tools which will likely be needed, as well as the livestock we feel is crucial to the mental well being of one soldier in particular. It is of of vital importance that we do not lose this person. We do not care how these animals are smuggled over to him, just as long as they are. Any more detail on this matter is on a strictly `need to know` basis.
If you are captured during this mission, we will deny all knowledge of your existance. You know what you must do in this event. Cyanide pills will be available to you.
This correspondance will self destruct in 5 seconds
Dear Mr Dandruff
Thanks for your kind offer to take command of the SH Forces during this time of great danger. I regret to inform you that your help will not be needed. I will however keep your offer on file should your help be required.
I have assembled an elite crack force from within SH and I am sure that we are ready to repel any outside forces.
Yours Sincerely
Sgt
HoS (ND)
Thanks for your kind offer to take command of the SH Forces during this time of great danger. I regret to inform you that your help will not be needed. I will however keep your offer on file should your help be required.
I have assembled an elite crack force from within SH and I am sure that we are ready to repel any outside forces.
Yours Sincerely
Sgt
HoS (ND)
Quote by KitKat
eet his hus, Speeshall agehunts Keet and Kart
leesen vewy carfuely for I carn see this hoanly wunce.
we huff horsdurves too undartaste a speeshall mission deep into enema territitty.
We wall be gurn for a wack.
Smack us a slipper for we wheel be ham in tame fur brokefart.
lhk
KitKat
Good luck Kit and Kat - We're proud of you!! I shall look forward to your de-brief!!!! :shock:
Sex God
Sgt. Ernest Bilko
Head of Security
GFZ Swingheaven
Dear Sargeant,
I thank you for your reply informing me that you have an effective enough team and will not be needing the help of my brave flyers. It is a shame that my men will not see action yet again as they have been in a state of readiness since I briefed them on this possible mission. Even as I pen this reply I am looking out of the window of my nissan hut, whilst sipping on a pink gin bought to me by my batman Corporal Rogersem and listening to the latest Vera Lyn number, I can see those familiar faces that have served me well all these years, Binky Thompson, Ginger Mcduff,Todger Wilson, old Baggers to name but a few. This is a spiffing team by jove and would have served your cause well.
I wish you luck in your mission and in your command I am sure that you have the interest of old blighty at heart. Our wishes are indeed with you and your brave army. Keep a stiff upper lip old boy, chin chin, cheerio and toodle pip.
Your comrade in arms
Commander Chuffers A. Dandruff
Head of Security
GFZ Swingheaven
Dear Sargeant,
I thank you for your reply informing me that you have an effective enough team and will not be needing the help of my brave flyers. It is a shame that my men will not see action yet again as they have been in a state of readiness since I briefed them on this possible mission. Even as I pen this reply I am looking out of the window of my nissan hut, whilst sipping on a pink gin bought to me by my batman Corporal Rogersem and listening to the latest Vera Lyn number, I can see those familiar faces that have served me well all these years, Binky Thompson, Ginger Mcduff,Todger Wilson, old Baggers to name but a few. This is a spiffing team by jove and would have served your cause well.
I wish you luck in your mission and in your command I am sure that you have the interest of old blighty at heart. Our wishes are indeed with you and your brave army. Keep a stiff upper lip old boy, chin chin, cheerio and toodle pip.
Your comrade in arms
Commander Chuffers A. Dandruff
Orgasminator
Harry0 reporting for duty Sarge,
I just found out my girlfriend who wanted me to go skydiving tomorrow had the parachutes packed by the local W.I. I picked it up by the ripcord and found they had nicked half the silk to make unidies judging by the shapes cut out of it.
I'd be far better off storming the local council offices just armed with a catapult.
Harry0
I just found out my girlfriend who wanted me to go skydiving tomorrow had the parachutes packed by the local W.I. I picked it up by the ripcord and found they had nicked half the silk to make unidies judging by the shapes cut out of it.
I'd be far better off storming the local council offices just armed with a catapult.
Harry0
Quote by MISSCHIEF
:shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock:
OMG Sarge he said Hmmm Hmmm!!!!!!
Whaddawedoooooooo!!!!!!!!!!! racing around looking like the talking Juniper bush (life of brian) on acid
We're gonna need more, we are we are, I can't take the strain!
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: Good to have you back Pte Misschief. I have a very important task for you during this conflict. It involves staying vey close to my side (and front) at all times, especially during the hours of darkness!! :shock: :shock: :grin: :grin: :grin:
Orgasminator
Oi Sarge, get in the queue.
I met Misschief at the Midlands 'Munch'. In approved Redskin fashion I approached her Redskin style, raised my right hand and said "When". She replied, "You mean, How". I said "Me know how, When". Honest it's true ask her.
Harry0
I met Misschief at the Midlands 'Munch'. In approved Redskin fashion I approached her Redskin style, raised my right hand and said "When". She replied, "You mean, How". I said "Me know how, When". Honest it's true ask her.
Harry0
Oh Sarge
I don't know whether to be flattered by the attention or pissed off that you're using me as a human shield
Look at the evidence ..... you've got Mrs FC dressed in white zip up nursey outfit - Venus in a skin tight leather number ........ then me in one of Stigs cast offs :shock:
oooooooh Sarge ....... I just hope it's because you have a bush fetish!
I don't know whether to be flattered by the attention or pissed off that you're using me as a human shield
Look at the evidence ..... you've got Mrs FC dressed in white zip up nursey outfit - Venus in a skin tight leather number ........ then me in one of Stigs cast offs :shock:
oooooooh Sarge ....... I just hope it's because you have a bush fetish!
Sex God
Artimis Tificer
Green Lane Farm
Shropshire
My darling darling boy , where can I start. I suppose I can only start by asking your forgiveness for the lie that I have been living for all these years. I have always suspected that you may have known the truth but have never dared bring up the subject for fear of loosing you forever, but now things are in the open perhaps I should offer some explanation for my actions.
Life was never easy for me growing up in such a small community , working the land and tending the animals from a very early age. We were poor enough and then the war years came and things got even tighter. At this time I was blossoming into a young woman and wanted to experience the world that I had heard about on the wireless as we sat around the fire of an evening, toasting the odd crust of bread that we had managed to bake from our meagre rations of flour.
During this time the Americans opened an airbase just up the road and the men would come down to the village pub in the evenings. One of them, Jim Jimson was known to me as he had helped your grand daddy Erasmus on the farm during his furlow. Jim asked me out one evening to the Tit and Tiddle pub in the village where we talked and laughed all evening, he brought me presents of chocolate and stockings and paid for all my drinks for the whole evening. After the landlord had called time Jim offered to walk me home. I had told Jim about the troubles we had been having on the farm with the pigs not breeding and how your grand daddy had said he wished he knew what the problem was. Jim asked me so many questions about the breeding habits of those pigs that I became confused , he asked if the Sow had been properly mounted by the Boar and when I told him that I didn’t know what he meant he offered to show me in the old barn at the back. You gotta believe me son I really didn’t know what was happening to me as Jim got me on all fours, lifted my skirt and mounted me just like them little ol piggies. Jim thrust and thrust at me son and I kids you not sounded just like those piggies with his gruntin and squeelin. Don’t be angry son Jim was a real gent and never hurt me at all, why he even teared of some of my petticoat to use as a sponge so as I could dry myself cos Jim said he didn’t want to sleep in any wet hay.
I continued to see Jim and he kept helping me understand this mounting thing and even when I had my lady problems, Jim, well he just mounted me elsewhere son, although I didnt much like that way as it urt a little but jim tried to remain a gent and it helped some when he used a bit of goose fat from nana's larder and he seemed to like it cos he squeeled even louder that way, but despite him mounting me mostly where piggies tails grow, I got pregnant . Jim told me that it was because I hadn’t been to church enough and that was why my belly was big. Eventually your grand daddy Erasmus Tificer, my daddy, twigged I was with child and sent me away. It wasn’t the done thing in them days son.
I had you round at an aunts near Liverpool and honest son, I fully intended to keep you and return home but Jim visited and said that it would be bad for the both of us if I went back with a child out of wedlock. I argued with Jim but in the end the two Bannanas and the tin of Peaches he offered me was more than a poor girl could resist and I agreed that I would bring you home but my mummy, your grand nanny Ada, would pretend to be your mum.
Jim returned to America and I never saw him again but don’t you ever think he wasn’t a good man and would have been a good father but the parole board would never release him sayin he would forever be a danger to animals. Your daddy wrote from his cell every year on your birthday to ask how you were so believe me son, he would have been a good daddy if the authorities had let him.
As you grew up you looked more and more like him even down to the extra toes on your left foot and when you brought that Rita shuttleworth home with you and we caught you on the sofa with her, why you was even squeelin like your old daddy.
Now this is finally out in the open I desperately want to hold you like a mummy should so stay safe and return to your mummy a hero my son.
Your ever loving mother
Gertrude
Green Lane Farm
Shropshire
My darling darling boy , where can I start. I suppose I can only start by asking your forgiveness for the lie that I have been living for all these years. I have always suspected that you may have known the truth but have never dared bring up the subject for fear of loosing you forever, but now things are in the open perhaps I should offer some explanation for my actions.
Life was never easy for me growing up in such a small community , working the land and tending the animals from a very early age. We were poor enough and then the war years came and things got even tighter. At this time I was blossoming into a young woman and wanted to experience the world that I had heard about on the wireless as we sat around the fire of an evening, toasting the odd crust of bread that we had managed to bake from our meagre rations of flour.
During this time the Americans opened an airbase just up the road and the men would come down to the village pub in the evenings. One of them, Jim Jimson was known to me as he had helped your grand daddy Erasmus on the farm during his furlow. Jim asked me out one evening to the Tit and Tiddle pub in the village where we talked and laughed all evening, he brought me presents of chocolate and stockings and paid for all my drinks for the whole evening. After the landlord had called time Jim offered to walk me home. I had told Jim about the troubles we had been having on the farm with the pigs not breeding and how your grand daddy had said he wished he knew what the problem was. Jim asked me so many questions about the breeding habits of those pigs that I became confused , he asked if the Sow had been properly mounted by the Boar and when I told him that I didn’t know what he meant he offered to show me in the old barn at the back. You gotta believe me son I really didn’t know what was happening to me as Jim got me on all fours, lifted my skirt and mounted me just like them little ol piggies. Jim thrust and thrust at me son and I kids you not sounded just like those piggies with his gruntin and squeelin. Don’t be angry son Jim was a real gent and never hurt me at all, why he even teared of some of my petticoat to use as a sponge so as I could dry myself cos Jim said he didn’t want to sleep in any wet hay.
I continued to see Jim and he kept helping me understand this mounting thing and even when I had my lady problems, Jim, well he just mounted me elsewhere son, although I didnt much like that way as it urt a little but jim tried to remain a gent and it helped some when he used a bit of goose fat from nana's larder and he seemed to like it cos he squeeled even louder that way, but despite him mounting me mostly where piggies tails grow, I got pregnant . Jim told me that it was because I hadn’t been to church enough and that was why my belly was big. Eventually your grand daddy Erasmus Tificer, my daddy, twigged I was with child and sent me away. It wasn’t the done thing in them days son.
I had you round at an aunts near Liverpool and honest son, I fully intended to keep you and return home but Jim visited and said that it would be bad for the both of us if I went back with a child out of wedlock. I argued with Jim but in the end the two Bannanas and the tin of Peaches he offered me was more than a poor girl could resist and I agreed that I would bring you home but my mummy, your grand nanny Ada, would pretend to be your mum.
Jim returned to America and I never saw him again but don’t you ever think he wasn’t a good man and would have been a good father but the parole board would never release him sayin he would forever be a danger to animals. Your daddy wrote from his cell every year on your birthday to ask how you were so believe me son, he would have been a good daddy if the authorities had let him.
As you grew up you looked more and more like him even down to the extra toes on your left foot and when you brought that Rita shuttleworth home with you and we caught you on the sofa with her, why you was even squeelin like your old daddy.
Now this is finally out in the open I desperately want to hold you like a mummy should so stay safe and return to your mummy a hero my son.
Your ever loving mother
Gertrude
Sex God
Pvt DJohn of the 10th Geordie Cowards Regiment, reporting for duty SAH!
I'm sure my skills will be useful in this upcoming struggle: hiding under the stairs, wearing disguises (rabbit suits) to avoid the draft, and running away from anyone with a gun. In preparation for this great effort, I have spent the past 34 years speaking in an fake Australian accent. That'll confuse them!
I'm sure my skills will be useful in this upcoming struggle: hiding under the stairs, wearing disguises (rabbit suits) to avoid the draft, and running away from anyone with a gun. In preparation for this great effort, I have spent the past 34 years speaking in an fake Australian accent. That'll confuse them!
; CCR Control Room, Wasington USA. Agent Jack Brewer enters the office of the Head of Counter Everything
'Hello Sir'
'Hello Jack. Good to see you again. How are you?'
'Good, Sir. The nuclear contamination is easing, the stab wounds are nicely stitched and they've removed all but the last 15 bullets.'
'That's great Jack. It's hell on Sky isn't it.'
'All in a day's work for me Sir. I live my life 24 hrs at a time Sir, albeit spread over 24 weeks. So why did you send for me Sir?'
'Well Jack, we have a major incident brewing in one of our most troublesome States'.
'Texas?'
'No. England . Some place called Swinging Heaven. Intelligence has positively identified a major threat to the moral fabric of the western world. It appears a group of shadowy individuals have set up some kind of alternative existence, outside of the bounds laid down by the 'Apple Pie and Homily Grits Memorandum of How People Should Live', as personally endorsed by The President.'
'That sounds bad Sir'
'Yes, that's why we need you, Jack. Several teams of good men have tried to get at them, but failed. I'm afraid we lost Batman and Robin when some redneck over there put sugar in the fuel tank of the Batmobile.’
'Holy shit, Sir'
'Yes Jack, lots of it, spread over several counties. We now know that all the agents we've sent in have been betrayed. We think British Intelligence-stop laughing Jack, they like oxymorons over there-managed to get their man Holmes inside using a cunning disguise. You’ll need to link up with him.'
‘How will I know him ,Sir?’
‘Elementary my dear Brewer: deerstalker, tweeds, pipe and cloak; plays violin, takes drugs and looks like he comes from a bygone age. Yes Jack, he’s disguised as a member of the Royal Family. But Jack, it appears that these fiends have sympathisers far and wide, a veritable, or rather virtual, web of conspiritors. They’re pulling in support from all over cyberspace. That's why we need you, Jack'.
'I understand Sir. How long have I got?'
'Stupid question ,Jack'
'Oh yeah, I always get 24 hrs: sorry Sir, the Heroin addiction has affected my memory'
'That's ok Jack'
phone rings
‘Excuse me Jack. Yes. Oh, yes Mr President. Yes. Yes Sir, he’s right here..I’ll put him on. Jack. It’s the President.’
‘Hello Mr President, this is Jack Brewer. Good, thankyou Sir. No, it wasn’t a problem Sir, I enjoy saving your life. Yes, yes, we’ll do it again soon, maybe on E4. Yes, I’ll be on my way soon Sir, yes, I understand the importance of the mission. I won’t fail you Sir. Certainly Sir, I’ll give Mr Blair that kiss for you personally, and I fully understand where he likes it placed Sir. Goodbye.’ Replaces receiver.
‘Right Jack, one thing you should know: Ernest Bilko is one of them!
‘God, no, I thought he was….’
‘No Jack, they brought him out on DVD and gave him a whole new lease of life…and Jack, he’s still got the tank!’
‘God, no, not the one he stole from my dad after he finished shooting ‘Kelly’s Heroes?’
‘Fraid so Jack. I know that makes the mission almost impossible, any more impossible and we’d be sending Tom Cruise. But nobody dies harder than you, except Bruce Willis of course, but he’s a serious actor these days, and we can’t afford him. So, pick up your briefing and go kick some ass Jack! Any questions?’
‘Yes Sir, what about my daughter? ‘
‘ She was fine when I left the orgy Jack, still going like a stoat.’
‘Thanks Sir…just one more thing Sir. What does CCR actually stand for?’
Nothing Jack, it’s just my favourite band..now hit the road Agent Brewer. The clock is ticking…..
‘
'Hello Sir'
'Hello Jack. Good to see you again. How are you?'
'Good, Sir. The nuclear contamination is easing, the stab wounds are nicely stitched and they've removed all but the last 15 bullets.'
'That's great Jack. It's hell on Sky isn't it.'
'All in a day's work for me Sir. I live my life 24 hrs at a time Sir, albeit spread over 24 weeks. So why did you send for me Sir?'
'Well Jack, we have a major incident brewing in one of our most troublesome States'.
'Texas?'
'No. England . Some place called Swinging Heaven. Intelligence has positively identified a major threat to the moral fabric of the western world. It appears a group of shadowy individuals have set up some kind of alternative existence, outside of the bounds laid down by the 'Apple Pie and Homily Grits Memorandum of How People Should Live', as personally endorsed by The President.'
'That sounds bad Sir'
'Yes, that's why we need you, Jack. Several teams of good men have tried to get at them, but failed. I'm afraid we lost Batman and Robin when some redneck over there put sugar in the fuel tank of the Batmobile.’
'Holy shit, Sir'
'Yes Jack, lots of it, spread over several counties. We now know that all the agents we've sent in have been betrayed. We think British Intelligence-stop laughing Jack, they like oxymorons over there-managed to get their man Holmes inside using a cunning disguise. You’ll need to link up with him.'
‘How will I know him ,Sir?’
‘Elementary my dear Brewer: deerstalker, tweeds, pipe and cloak; plays violin, takes drugs and looks like he comes from a bygone age. Yes Jack, he’s disguised as a member of the Royal Family. But Jack, it appears that these fiends have sympathisers far and wide, a veritable, or rather virtual, web of conspiritors. They’re pulling in support from all over cyberspace. That's why we need you, Jack'.
'I understand Sir. How long have I got?'
'Stupid question ,Jack'
'Oh yeah, I always get 24 hrs: sorry Sir, the Heroin addiction has affected my memory'
'That's ok Jack'
phone rings
‘Excuse me Jack. Yes. Oh, yes Mr President. Yes. Yes Sir, he’s right here..I’ll put him on. Jack. It’s the President.’
‘Hello Mr President, this is Jack Brewer. Good, thankyou Sir. No, it wasn’t a problem Sir, I enjoy saving your life. Yes, yes, we’ll do it again soon, maybe on E4. Yes, I’ll be on my way soon Sir, yes, I understand the importance of the mission. I won’t fail you Sir. Certainly Sir, I’ll give Mr Blair that kiss for you personally, and I fully understand where he likes it placed Sir. Goodbye.’ Replaces receiver.
‘Right Jack, one thing you should know: Ernest Bilko is one of them!
‘God, no, I thought he was….’
‘No Jack, they brought him out on DVD and gave him a whole new lease of life…and Jack, he’s still got the tank!’
‘God, no, not the one he stole from my dad after he finished shooting ‘Kelly’s Heroes?’
‘Fraid so Jack. I know that makes the mission almost impossible, any more impossible and we’d be sending Tom Cruise. But nobody dies harder than you, except Bruce Willis of course, but he’s a serious actor these days, and we can’t afford him. So, pick up your briefing and go kick some ass Jack! Any questions?’
‘Yes Sir, what about my daughter? ‘
‘ She was fine when I left the orgy Jack, still going like a stoat.’
‘Thanks Sir…just one more thing Sir. What does CCR actually stand for?’
Nothing Jack, it’s just my favourite band..now hit the road Agent Brewer. The clock is ticking…..
‘
Sex God
gosh i came in here for a rest, have been busy all morning knitting willywarmers for the troops,
i am now going to prepare dinner for them all... oysters, chempers and chocolate do?
i am now going to prepare dinner for them all... oysters, chempers and chocolate do?
Sex God
No wbb they have to stay fit and focused. Rations keep them hungry and keen !!
You can spoil them rotten when SH is once more safe. Please don't feed them up just yet.
Im sure the boys will want ot show their gratitude to you for your willy warmers, as the nights are still chilly.
You can spoil them rotten when SH is once more safe. Please don't feed them up just yet.
Im sure the boys will want ot show their gratitude to you for your willy warmers, as the nights are still chilly.
Sex God
sorry!!!!
Sex God
wbb would you like a hand with anymore knitting ? 
Sex God
yes, you can lie on the floor with your legs in the air appart.... and i will use them to wrap the wool around and keep it tidy!
one thing boys..... as these willy warmers are not a "one size fits all".. you will need to send me your exact measurments (or mrs FC will do them for you) so we can gets them done!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
one thing boys..... as these willy warmers are not a "one size fits all".. you will need to send me your exact measurments (or mrs FC will do them for you) so we can gets them done!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Sex God
Ah well busty babe, I thinks that if you leave it to the boys to tell you their own measurements, you may well be winding wool for the next fortnight which could give mrs FC a serious case of cramp.
Sex God
Misschief I found this for you. Sarge had it hidden in his cupboard.
