Sappho's predicament

20 Mar 2005

This is a plea for help. We are both becoming quite alarmed by Sapphoâ€™s shape and size :shock:.
For those of you who havenâ€™t met the divinely decadent one, she is 5â€™ 7â€ tall and is â€“ or rather was â€“ a size 10. In other words, tall slim and elegant. Now that the twin pregnancy has reached 30 weeks her shape is rather different :shock: I mean, the rest of her hasn't changed at all. If anything she has lost weight from the rest of her body. From the back you wouldn't even know she were pregnant. She is still tall and slim but with an astoundingly large bump in front of her. Sappho, bless her, just isnâ€™t used to this.
For example, most of us when we want to pass through a narrow gap turn sideways on. Last week, we were walking through a pub car park on the way into Sunday lunch. I walked between two cars. Sappho followed meâ€¦â€¦
â€¦..I heard a thud and a muffled cry from behind me. I turned to find that Sappho had turned sideways, forgetting that she was now bigger front to back than she is from side to side. Sadly, the wing mirror on one of the vehicles had to bear the brunt of the impact. I donâ€™t think it will have been too expensive to fix! redface

Sappho has since reported that the same thing has happened during the week. So I thought I would enlist the help of the good people of the Forum. We need some sort of device that might help Sappho deal with a shape that she isnâ€™t used to.
Then I thought, bloody hell! What if she falls over? :shock: I mean her centre of gravity has changed entirely. How the bloody hell would we get her up again? The poor love could be rolling around for the whole of the remaining 10 weeks like an overturned beetle with her legs waving in the air. :shock:
I mean, how are we going to get a decent purchase and sufficient leverage to haul her up again? dunno

All suggestions gratefully received. It would be particularly useful if the equipment were portable and could be collapsed down to go in the boot of the car.
For the sake of Shropshire's wing mirrors we need your help.
Thank you,
Will
PS I am so dead when she reads this!!

:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:

20 Mar 2005

Just shove a car jack under the top of her back, lift it until she is off the ground.
Tie a rope around her head and then attach the other end to the car bumper - drive forward until she's upright. :mrgreen:
Failing that just get one of those Hannibal Lecter style stretchers and strap her in - a fully portable Sappho (the mask could be substituted for a ball gag if you so wished Will)
Is it too late to offer this passionkiss

Sappho

:lol:

20 Mar 2005

OMG Will, you silly silly man - what on earth possessed you to write that post.
You think her centre of gravity's changed now - wait until the first time she stands up after the birth. She'll probably fall over confused

20 Mar 2005

Quote by freckledbird
OMG Will, you silly silly man - what on earth possessed you to write that post.
You think her centre of gravity's changed now - wait until the first time she stands up after the birth. She'll probably fall over

That in mind, do not, I repeat, do NOT, try to grope her enormous great boobs when the milk comes in :shock:
Yes, I know they will be very big and exciting, but you will get hit. Ask Mars innocent

Venusxxx

20 Mar 2005

What about those things which cyclists use to hit cars with - they stick out at right angles??
She is going to kill you - after you pick her up off the floor. And I want a ringside seat to watch!
:shock: :shock:

:rotflmao: :rotflmao:

20 Mar 2005

Quote by VenusnMars
OMG Will, you silly silly man - what on earth possessed you to write that post.
You think her centre of gravity's changed now - wait until the first time she stands up after the birth. She'll probably fall over

That in mind, do not, I repeat, do NOT, try to grope her enormous great boobs when the milk comes in :shock:
Yes, I know they will be very big and exciting, but you will get hit. Ask Mars innocent

Venusxxx
Plus he'll probably get showered in milk :?

20 Mar 2005

Quote by freckledbird
Plus he'll probably get showered in milk

THAT completely mortified me after my first child :shock:
Venusxxx

20 Mar 2005

Quote by VenusnMars

Plus he'll probably get showered in milk

THAT completely mortified me after my first child :shock:
Venusxxx
Me too - once sat on the edge of the bed when my oldest started to cry and both boobs just showered milk everywhere :?
Probably shouldn't have shared that :shock:

20 Mar 2005

Quote by freckledbird

Plus he'll probably get showered in milk

THAT completely mortified me after my first child :shock:
Venusxxx
Me too - once sat on the edge of the bed when my oldest started to cry and both boobs just showered milk everywhere :?
Probably shouldn't have shared that :shock:
It`s a thread about pregnancy, I give it one whole page before us girls are sharing childbirth stories.
Did you know my youngest was born in the sack? Very rare that. The other two would have to if I hadn`t allowed intervention.
Ok, less than a page! :mrgreen:
Venusxxx

20 Mar 2005

Nothing unusual about either of my births, only that they were relatively quick and easy (if indeed that is unusual). I did have to have my waters broken both times though. That bloody hook thing is feckin scary :shock:

20 Mar 2005

Hmm, tough one Will. Farmers often have similar problems with their cows, so this advice has been adapted from the advice on recumbent cows by simply replacing the word 'Cow' with 'Sappho' and the 'veterinary surgeon' with 'hotty paediatric surgeon' - and one or two other minor cosmetic changes.
Lifting gear
Recommendations
310. There are a number of reasons which result in Sappho becoming recumbent and, while cases can occur at any time, the "Drunken Cow" syndrome is most commonly associated with alchohol saturation. Causes during pregnancy can include milk fever, nerve damage during calving, thrusting of the pelvis, acute toxic mastitis and, commonly, fear and apprehension due to repeated attempts to rise and stand on slippery, smooth floors. It is important to realise that nursing, which includes turning the Sappho from one side to the other (at least five to six times daily) on a well-bedded surface, is essential to recovery. Lack of nursing can result in a transient condition turning into permanent recumbancy.
311. Before attempting to use lifting gear, a careful examination of the recumbent Sappho by a hotty pediatric surgeon is essential to assess the likely cause, prognosis and appropriate treatment.
312. The Sappho should be carefully moved, as soon as possible, to a soft non-slip surface. Examples are a deeply-bedded pen or a grass field (if the weather is suitable). If after a suitable period the Sappho is still unable to rise, it may be worthwhile attempting to lift her using lifting gear under the supervision of the attending hotty paediatric surgeon.
313. There are a number of different types of lifting gear including:
a hoist which is clamped on to the hip bones and the Sappho slowly lifted to her feet
a lifting bag which inflates underneath the Sappho
a net or harness which allows the Sappho to hang suspended at the correct height
It can be useful to use shackles or hobbles to assist with the positioning of the hind legs of the Sappho. Some types of Sappho hoist may cause considerable damage to the hip bones and overlying soft tissues with bruising and excoriation. It is therefore essential to have the additional support of an inflatable bag or net.
314. Keeping an Sappho in pain on a nest, or permitting it so to be kept, as opposed to arranging for appropriate treatment or humane shagging, could lead to prosecution under the provisions of The Swinging (Miscellaneous Provisions) Act 1968 or The Protection of Sapphos Act 1911.
Recommendations
315. Any recumbent Sappho must be examined by a hotty paediatric surgeon before the Will attempts to use lifting gear and, initially, the hotty paediatric surgeon should supervise the operation.
316. Where time cannot be given to proper nursing, casual shagging should be considered at an early stage. It is an offence to transport an Sappho that is incapable of rising. It should either be shagged on-site or loaded in the presence, and under the supervision, of a hotty paediatric surgeon for it to be transported to a place for shagging.
317. Whatever type of lifting gear is used, care must be taken not to cause unnecessary pain or unnecessary distress to the Sappho.
318. The recumbent Sappho should be isolated, her movement restricted and she should be visited, at suitable intervals, by a hotty paediatric surgeon who will assess her condition.
319. The Government should examine the welfare implications of any apparatus which cannot lift the Sappho without damage or pain.
Good luck mate. - off to investigate "Collision warning devices" now. wink

lhk
Kat

20 Mar 2005

According to 315, Sappho is going to have the help of a hotty paediatric surgeon AND a vet :shock: Is the vet a hotty too?

20 Mar 2005

All joking aside, You wanna be careful when ironing and cooking... I know people that have burnt themselves when pregnant on those......can you imagine the pain of running the edge of the iron across your belly!!!!!!.....owch :shock: :shock: :shock:

20 Mar 2005

Can't have mistakes like that can we freckledbird, I'll take it away and do it properly for you! surprised

ops:

20 Mar 2005

Quote by KitKat
Can't have mistakes like that can we freckledbird, I'll take it away and do it properly for you! ops:

Awwwww behave I didn't mean to criticise. Had visions of Noah Wyle and one of those nice men off 'Vets in practice'
:twisted: :twisted: :twisted:

20 Mar 2005

s'ok, it gave me a chance to change "humane distruction' to 'humane shagging' as well.
I never did like the thought of Sappho being distructed - the thought of her being shagged is much more pleasant! cool

lhk
Kat

20 Mar 2005

How about a large tow truck, airbags, and hoists...............

20 Mar 2005

Quote by Sarah1448
How about a large tow truck, airbags, and hoists...............

Or why not try SH recovery Services lol

20 Mar 2005

The only way is to sandbag the doors - turn on the taps and attach Sarah's airbags to Sappho's shoulders. Once the whole downstairs is full of water you'll have an upright mumtobe and a ready made birthing pool - voila!

20 Mar 2005

Thanks Will that really made me laugh. What a great post. rotflmao

I guess you will have the chance to re-live the experience by spending a day carrying baby in a papoose, all fragile and bawling, Sappho slender and bouncing free at your side, the busy throng of saturday shoppers bumping into you all over the place. You will of course try to function normally, all manly and strong and daddy-like. wink

In the meantime you could just make Sappho wear a very large rubber ring whenever outside the carpeted comfort of home, and carry with you at all times a small trampoline. lol

And Kat. Superb. cool

:wink:

Quote by KitKat
It is an offence to transport an Sappho that is incapable of rising. It should either be shagged on-site or loaded in the presence, and under the supervision, of a hotty paediatric surgeon for it to be transported to a place for shagging.

Not in front of the baby, please. :shock:

20 Mar 2005

Buy half a dozen ultrasonic proximity sensors (the kind that people use to help when reversing their car). Attach them to a belt. Attach the belt to Sappho. Problem solved!

20 Mar 2005

I knew I could rely on Kat for some sensible practical advice. I will pass this on to the goddess herself - making absolutely sure that she knows where it came from!! lol

:lol:
Now that I am at a safe distance (170 miles, to be precise), several female posters have mentioned the breasts. These are already a revelation. :twisted: :twisted: In fact they are probably the part of the pregnancy that Sappho is enjoying most. Frankly, she is thoroughly enjoying having a cleavage at last. May I say that she is not the only one enjoying her cleavage!!! :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:
......and as for her nipples!!! :shock: :shock: :shock: They are absolutely magnificent!!! Mind you, trying to 'tune her in to the World Service' usually earns me a slap. Can't think why dunno

Please keep the advice coming. With 10 weeks to go I suspect she is going to get bigger yet :shock: I am thinking of leasing her to the British Antarctic Survey as an icebreaker!
Will
PS in fairness to Sappho, I should point out that, despite being six and a half months pregnant with twins, her weight is still within the normal paramaters for her height - pretty impressive, I reckon worship

20 Mar 2005

Quote by willxx69
IMind you, trying to 'tune her in to the Wolrd Service' usually earns me a slap. Can't think why

I would have thought it obvious. The poor dear is pregnant, and whether she needs it or not, she thinks it's a good excuse to get her way a bit more often. Don't assume that she wants to listen to the World Service. Ask before you try tuning. Would she like jazz? Folk? Rap/bluegrass fusion?
(Is this were I offer my extensive tuning expertise? I'm not just limited to radios)

20 Mar 2005

Quote by DJohn
IMind you, trying to 'tune her in to the Wolrd Service' usually earns me a slap. Can't think why

I would have thought it obvious. The poor dear is pregnant, and whether she needs it or not, she thinks it's a good excuse to get her way a bit more often. Don't assume that she wants to listen to the World Service. Ask before you try tuning. Would she like jazz? Folk? Rap/bluegrass fusion?
(Is this were I offer my extensive tuning expertise? I'm not just limited to radios)
HOW good is it to see DJohn again???
Brillian, eh!!
lol

:lol: :lol:

20 Mar 2005

Quote by DJohn
IMind you, trying to 'tune her in to the Wolrd Service' usually earns me a slap. Can't think why

I would have thought it obvious. The poor dear is pregnant, and whether she needs it or not, she thinks it's a good excuse to get her way a bit more often. Don't assume that she wants to listen to the World Service. Ask before you try tuning. Would she like jazz? Folk? Rap/bluegrass fusion?
(Is this were I offer my extensive tuning expertise? I'm not just limited to radios)
Perhaps Sappho would appreciate a bit of stereo DJohn? one of us on each nipple?
lhk
Kat

20 Mar 2005

KATE... you deserve this:

:smackbottom: :smackbottom: :smackbottom:
for the email you sent me tonight!! Got my heart rate rising well above what's good for me!
whip

:whip: :whip:

20 Mar 2005

Quote by DJohn
IMind you, trying to 'tune her in to the Wolrd Service' usually earns me a slap. Can't think why

I would have thought it obvious. The poor dear is pregnant, and whether she needs it or not, she thinks it's a good excuse to get her way a bit more often. Don't assume that she wants to listen to the World Service. Ask before you try tuning. Would she like jazz? Folk? Rap/bluegrass fusion?
(Is this were I offer my extensive tuning expertise? I'm not just limited to radios)
'Ang on - who's doing the Tuning around here then? Demarcation dispute in the offing!!

20 Mar 2005

Washing up will never be the same Jags? wink

for Jags, because despite what she thinks, I didn't have a hard on
:kiss: for Sappho because she still looks gorgeous
:kiss: for Will, for looking after her so well
:kiss: for DJohn because he's back
:kiss: for Kit, because she is off on her girlie holidays for a week - and I'm going to be miserable without her sad

:(
lhk
Kat

20 Mar 2005

:kiss: for Kate...
lol

20 Mar 2005

Welcome back DJohn, good to see you here again. I still remember our chance meeting after the Scottish munch last summer.
Mike.