Serious Advice Please - Not Swinging

23 Oct 2007

Quote by Marya_Northeast
My daughter lost her much loved Grandad last year and has watched myself and my mother go through various stages of grief through losing other relatives in the past 18 months or more.
Not exactly the same but her dad's dog was very ill recently and had emergency surgery that it may not have survived. Her dad didn't want me to say anything but I hate that death is such a subject.
I strongly believe that we should talk about this - the onyl guarentee in life is death so why not be open about it?
If I was in your situation, I'd sit the kids downa nd tell them that your friend is very poorly and the time wil come when she won't be around anymore. Her body will die but her spirit will live on. It will be incredibly sad and we shouldn't be afraid to express that sadness but until then let's love our friend as much as possible and make each day one to remember.
After that, I probably wouldn't discuss it unless they asked questions.

Couldn't have put it better myself :thumbup:

23 Oct 2007

Oops apologies! I just edited that as I realised I'd put "friend" instead of "relative".
Sorry xx
edit .. and then fiddled a bit with it but still didn't correct the blummin spelling! rolleyes

Sorry, sorry .... leaving now ... sorry!

23 Oct 2007

This must be such a hard time for you. But you already know how important talking is. I checked Amazon - they have a number of books for children that look very useful.
The only thing I would add is it my be worth speaking to someone at your kid's school. They may need to be aware of unexpected sadness or temper that results from all the turmoil.
My thoughts are with you all XXXXXXXXXXXX

23 Oct 2007

Just want to say thanks again for all your kind comments, advice and suggestions.
Im afraid I havent made up my mind yet. Maybe i'll discuss it with my relative tommorow and see where we can go from there.
Ive go to say that my relative is a true inspiration to all. Shes still going to have treatment and shes still saying positive and she even manages a smile every now and again sad

Louise xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

23 Oct 2007

Do what you think is right for your relative
Do what you think is right for your children
Do what you think is right for you!
There is NO right or wrong answer and whatever you decide......... you might still get it wrong.
However, I think I'd tell the children that your relative isnt well & wait for them to ask questions, then be as open & honest as possible, without scaring them
Good luck with whatever you decide .... it won't be easy!
Take care
Sam xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

23 Oct 2007

Quote by Marya_Northeast
My daughter lost her much loved Grandad last year and has watched myself and my mother go through various stages of grief through losing other relatives in the past 18 months or more.
Not exactly the same but her dad's dog was very ill recently and had emergency surgery that it may not have survived. Her dad didn't want me to say anything but I hate that death is such a subject.
I strongly believe that we should talk about this - the only guarentee in life is death so why not be open about it?
If I was in your situation, I'd sit the kids down and tell them that your relative is very poorly and the time wil come when she won't be around anymore. Her body will die but her spirit will live on. It will be incredibly sad and we shouldn't be afraid to express that sadness but until then let's celebrate life, love our relative as much as possible and make each day a happy one to remember.
After that, I probably wouldn't discuss it unless they asked questions.

I agree with FB, I couldn't have put it better myself... I always try to be honest with the kids and explain things in a way that they will understand smile

Mallock mentioned about how I explained his heart attack to the kids.... I didn't redface

At the time I went in to auto-pilot and then in to shock so didn't really get chance to explain what had happened. However, they knew that they could always ask me questions about what was going on and I would answer honestly. If I had had advance warning then I would have prepared them as I did with my Grandad just before he died. As a kid I was always kept in the dark about everything and I felt like I was a nobody, so with this in mind I always try to make sure that the kids dont feel this way.
BUT...... As Blonde said it all comes down to what YOU feel is right for YOUR children.
Whatever happens you know that there are plenty of us for you to turn to kiss

23 Oct 2007

my mum died when i was eleven, she was ill for 3 weeks before she died of meningitis and septicemia. as children my sister and i were kept in the dark as to what was going on, we knew she was poorly but never knew just how bad. i went to school the morning she was taken into hospital because i didnt know how ill she was. she never returned home. my stepdad told us that night " your mothers dead". i hate my step father now and have done ever since my mum died. if we had been told how ill our mum was we may have been able to cope better. we may have even been prepared for the inevitibility of our mums death. "may" being the operative word here. it took us twenty years to finally find out why our mum had really died when we decided to seek out her death certificate and get a coroners report. when i found out i had skin cancer i sat my children down and told them, as soon as i had come to terms with it , in a way that was suitable for them to understand. i was okay, i was lucky, but i believe , from my own experience as a child that honesty is the best policy. illness and death is not easy for any age to come to terms with but children are more sensitive and intelligent than we sometimes give them credit for. i hope you choose the time wisely, when you know your children will be able to cope as well as yourself, its hard, i know, my prayers and thoughts are with you all xxx

24 Oct 2007

A difficult one of course, if there really is no chance of recovery, I would go for telling the children sooner rather than later. There is nothing worse for a child than to find out later he/she has been deceived on a matter as important as this. I know from experience and I still think about it now - years and years and years later!
Also, children are much more resilient than you might at first think, especially if told in the right way. As to the right way, that's something that depends on the circumstances and personalities - that's your decission and your's alone - good wishes.
Plimboy sad

25 Oct 2007

I decided to tell the kids, but I chickened out of doing it myself redface

I took them down to my mum's and she told them. She explained that the relative was not well and that she will be having treatment and will lose her hair and that she will go to heaven after. They sat and listened, very quietly, they looked very sombre. We told them that if they have any questions to ask us, not the relative. They asked what chemotherapy was, we explained and then they went off and played. Not a word since.
I feel relieved that they know now and feel that it wasnt as shocking to them as it could have been if she was alot worse.
Anyway, I just thought id let you know.
Thanks again for all the advice and suggestions kiss

Louise xx

25 Oct 2007

Quote by louise_and_joe
I decided to tell the kids, but I chickened out of doing it myself I took them down to my mum's and she told them. She explained that the relative was not well and that she will be having treatment and will lose her hair and that she will go to heaven after. They sat and listened, very quietly, they looked very sombre. We told them that if they have any questions to ask us, not the relative. They asked what chemotherapy was, we explained and then they went off and played. Not a word since.
I feel relieved that they know now and feel that it wasnt as shocking to them as it could have been if she was alot worse.
Anyway, I just thought id let you know.
Thanks again for all the advice and suggestions
Louise xx

I'm pleased it's out in the open and in the best possible way for you all... :therethere: take care xx

25 Oct 2007

Quote by jaymar
I'm pleased it's out in the open and in the best possible way for you all... :therethere: take care xx

Seconded :therethere: