Ok, I know this is a bit heavy for a Monday morning but I could do with some advice.
A close relative of mine was diagnosed with Lung Cancer back in August. Now after all the scans and tests she has had, its now been discovered that she has it in her Kidneys, Liver, Breast bone and possibly elsewhere too.
After seeing her consultant on Friday, she was told that she has a matter of months to live. How many months, we dont know, I dont think that they can be that precise.
My problem is, what do I tell my children? if anything at all for now.
My children are very close to her too and its going to break their dear little hearts. As it is mine.
Do I tell them now and give them time to prepare ( as much as you can) or do I wait until she gets nearer to the end and tell them then.
On one hand I want to prepare them because they have never had anyone pass away that was close to them, on the other, I dont want to see them upset for the coming months when I can spare them that fate, for now.
I realise that you might say, well you know your own children, so you must know what to do.
I know my children inside out, but have never had to deal with this before so dont know what to do for the best.
Have you been through this before? What did you do? What would you do?
Louise xx
Join the most popular community of UK swingers now
Login
Serious Advice Please - Not Swinging
last reply
40 replies
2.1k views
0 watchers
0 likes
Sex God
Personally I would wait a while untill your relative begins to get ill and actually shows physical signs of this...
The children are bound to notice this and will most likely ask why is so and so ill and then you can sit them down and tell them..
Maybe get some literature together to help you explain more clearly
The children are bound to notice this and will most likely ask why is so and so ill and then you can sit them down and tell them..
Maybe get some literature together to help you explain more clearly
Hi Louise, 
It all depends on the age of your children and whether yes I think you'll know if they can cope with the news at this moment in time.
I don't actually know what to say to you...honesty may be the best policy and you may be surprised at how well they will cope with it.
I really don't envy you this one hun, take care though xxx
It all depends on the age of your children and whether yes I think you'll know if they can cope with the news at this moment in time.
I don't actually know what to say to you...honesty may be the best policy and you may be surprised at how well they will cope with it.
I really don't envy you this one hun, take care though xxx
I don't know the ages of the children concerned ...
But have to say that as a youngster I lost someone to cancer, and wasn't told what was going on (for my own benefit) and found the whole experience very confusing and quite frightening.
Just anoher question first though... How does the cancer sufferer feel about the children knowing, and how might they be able to deal with thier own condition and the posible reaction from the children?
I'd have liked to have written more, but have to dash.
Thoughts heading your way...
lp
But have to say that as a youngster I lost someone to cancer, and wasn't told what was going on (for my own benefit) and found the whole experience very confusing and quite frightening.
Just anoher question first though... How does the cancer sufferer feel about the children knowing, and how might they be able to deal with thier own condition and the posible reaction from the children?
I'd have liked to have written more, but have to dash.
Thoughts heading your way...
lp
My children are all under 12, so are still very young.
Telling them has to be the hardest job in the world, whenever its done :cry:
Louise xx
In Edit: She did have a tough time letting her own children know ( they are adults). Also she doesnt like to see people upset, she likes to see everyone being happy and positive, even though I dont know how you can be in this situation.
Telling them has to be the hardest job in the world, whenever its done :cry:
Louise xx
In Edit: She did have a tough time letting her own children know ( they are adults). Also she doesnt like to see people upset, she likes to see everyone being happy and positive, even though I dont know how you can be in this situation.
Quote by
What does you relative want to do? I would like to just get on with things, without everyone fussing, but then I am not in that situation.
Above all don't rush in, you can not un-tell them.
Best of luck.
Travis
I think she would prefer if they didnt know just yet tbh. Although I dont want to just spring it on them when the time comes either. Its such a hard decision to make.
Thanks for all the best wishes.
Louise xx
hi louise
Im not really sure what I would do in your situation, but I think I would tell them but not sure when I wouldn`t want to do it until she gets very unwell as you don`t want it playing on their minds for months before she passes away. They are bound to notice that she is becoming unwell so maybe you could take their cue from them? when they stat asking questions you could sit with them and explain.
(does that make sense? it does in my head).
You could possibly ask in the oncology dept of the local hospital if they have any childrens books which will explain it all in a way in which they understand.
Whatever you decide to do my thoughts are with you and your family :kiss:
Im not really sure what I would do in your situation, but I think I would tell them but not sure when I wouldn`t want to do it until she gets very unwell as you don`t want it playing on their minds for months before she passes away. They are bound to notice that she is becoming unwell so maybe you could take their cue from them? when they stat asking questions you could sit with them and explain.
(does that make sense? it does in my head).
You could possibly ask in the oncology dept of the local hospital if they have any childrens books which will explain it all in a way in which they understand.
Whatever you decide to do my thoughts are with you and your family :kiss:
Sex God
personnally i would tell them now...children are brilliant at picking up when something is wrong,in away they might resent being kept in the dark but can also understand you wanting to protect them..it's not an easy call to make ..they are just my feelings,my gran was very poorly for a while and i was kept in the dark about how seriuosly ill she was,even tho my mam knew how close i was to her,kids have a amazing ability to deal with things like this,as you say she's been giving months,but this could easily become weeks as it could easily become years just look at jane tomlinson.
our thoughts are with you asnd your family.
mr cream.
our thoughts are with you asnd your family.
mr cream.
In my opinion. wait until they ask questions... if they ask why you are 'being weird/upset/angry' etc answer them truthfully.
If they ask why your relative seems poorly answer them.
Children (as you know) are very perceptive but just answer them questions as they ask them.
Children actually handle things much better than adults do generally as long as there is no pressure on them to behave a certain way.
I know that this is a tough time for you and I am sorry. But when someone has a lot on their plate they really don't need to be dealing with other's pain. So I can imagine that she doesn't want your children to know because she doesn't want to deal with any 'stuff' they might have. So when talking to your children impress on them that however they feel about the 'likely' premature death of your/their relative, she wants to make the most of her time left and is best treated as if she has years and years and years on the planet.
When you know that you have months or less to live constant reminders like.....'oh, next year...mmm sorry' and stilted sentences are just painful and are tactless. She will fill in the gaps all by herself.
Talk about next year and the year after without embarrassment or awkwardness. Let her actually live every moment.
I know I have lectured. Sorry. It is a subject close to my heart.
splendid
If they ask why your relative seems poorly answer them.
Children (as you know) are very perceptive but just answer them questions as they ask them.
Children actually handle things much better than adults do generally as long as there is no pressure on them to behave a certain way.
I know that this is a tough time for you and I am sorry. But when someone has a lot on their plate they really don't need to be dealing with other's pain. So I can imagine that she doesn't want your children to know because she doesn't want to deal with any 'stuff' they might have. So when talking to your children impress on them that however they feel about the 'likely' premature death of your/their relative, she wants to make the most of her time left and is best treated as if she has years and years and years on the planet.
When you know that you have months or less to live constant reminders like.....'oh, next year...mmm sorry' and stilted sentences are just painful and are tactless. She will fill in the gaps all by herself.
Talk about next year and the year after without embarrassment or awkwardness. Let her actually live every moment.
I know I have lectured. Sorry. It is a subject close to my heart.
splendid
Sex God
Louise
I would tell them at a pace they can under stand.
May be apart from the local oncology (sp?) unit , the local library may have some books that might be suitable to help you.
Thinking of you
xx
I would tell them at a pace they can under stand.
May be apart from the local oncology (sp?) unit , the local library may have some books that might be suitable to help you.
Thinking of you
xx
Sex God
:therethere:
Difficult, however children are more resiliant than us adults give them credit for, as long as it's explained in an open, honest and simple way with a caring attitude.
PM enroute.
LG. x
Difficult, however children are more resiliant than us adults give them credit for, as long as it's explained in an open, honest and simple way with a caring attitude.
PM enroute.
LG. x Firstly let me say that our thoughts & prayers are with you and your family.
I don’t think there is a best time to tell the kids about this, only you know them well enough to decide.
I lost a close family member a long time ago when I was only a boy, my parents decided not to tell me that he had been killed whilst motorbike racing. They just said that he had gone away. Even as a young lad, I knew something was wrong. After several years they eventually confirmed my fears, and I couldn’t forgive them for not being honest with me.
I know the circumstances are quite different with your plight, but I am just trying to say that honesty is the best policy, and kids are tough little cookies.
I hope this helps you decide what to do.
Vert2go
I don’t think there is a best time to tell the kids about this, only you know them well enough to decide.
I lost a close family member a long time ago when I was only a boy, my parents decided not to tell me that he had been killed whilst motorbike racing. They just said that he had gone away. Even as a young lad, I knew something was wrong. After several years they eventually confirmed my fears, and I couldn’t forgive them for not being honest with me.
I know the circumstances are quite different with your plight, but I am just trying to say that honesty is the best policy, and kids are tough little cookies.
I hope this helps you decide what to do.
Vert2go
((hugs))
As you probably know our eldest has cancer, was cleared and it has reoccurred, this time much more seriously and now we're lining up for a bone marrow transplant, which still might not cure her.
We also have two more children aged 10 and 7 and from the outset of the treatments, we have been honest and told them both what is wrong and what is happening.
It is scary to them, but you can tell them and help them understand even at tender ages.
We found a book called When Someone You Love Has Cancer - A Guide to Help Kids Cope was really helpful. I bet amazon have a copy.
We had tears, anger loads of questions and emotions and we were honest with them. Whilst I'm all for protecting kids, it is better it they learn that dying is nothing to be scared of, it will help them through their grief if they can ask questions and see how other people cope.
Let your friends news settle in first, they don't have to know immediately, but definitely do not under estimate the power children have and can give.
I remember a relative dying when I was 11 and I'd not been told she was ill, she was a favourite relative and I was devastated and never found out until years later that she had been ill a very long time and I remember feeling angry that I didn't know.
Feel free to pm me.
Cx
As you probably know our eldest has cancer, was cleared and it has reoccurred, this time much more seriously and now we're lining up for a bone marrow transplant, which still might not cure her.
We also have two more children aged 10 and 7 and from the outset of the treatments, we have been honest and told them both what is wrong and what is happening.
It is scary to them, but you can tell them and help them understand even at tender ages.
We found a book called When Someone You Love Has Cancer - A Guide to Help Kids Cope was really helpful. I bet amazon have a copy.
We had tears, anger loads of questions and emotions and we were honest with them. Whilst I'm all for protecting kids, it is better it they learn that dying is nothing to be scared of, it will help them through their grief if they can ask questions and see how other people cope.
Let your friends news settle in first, they don't have to know immediately, but definitely do not under estimate the power children have and can give.
I remember a relative dying when I was 11 and I'd not been told she was ill, she was a favourite relative and I was devastated and never found out until years later that she had been ill a very long time and I remember feeling angry that I didn't know.
Feel free to pm me.
Cx
Sex God
Quote by Mallock2006
Personally I would wait a while untill your relative begins to get ill and actually shows physical signs of this...
The children are bound to notice this and will most likely ask why is so and so ill and then you can sit them down and tell them..
Maybe get some literature together to help you explain more clearly
From experience I would agree with this comment, but when you're in the situation it's never easy whatever decision you make.
The only thing I can say is that kids can be much more resilient than we, as adults, can imagine, and giving them the time to assimilate what's happening and how it's going to affect them makes it easier for them when the time comes.
The shock and hurt and sense of loss will always be there but I think prior warning allows them to deal with it in their own way.
Whatever you choose to do it won't be easy, and ultimately you have to do what you think is right.
:cry: :cry: :cry:
Sex God
cannt add anything to previous post and do not envy you with what lies ahead. i have kind of been in your position tho having elderly relatives who have passed and a couple of uncles (not very close) who had cancer and since died.
my love and best wishes are sent to you at this difficult time and am sure that whatever you decide to do will be with the best of intentions and am sure the children involved will cope amazingly as they often surprise me with how they cope with things.
lots of cyber hugs and cuddles are sent to you and you family
my love and best wishes are sent to you at this difficult time and am sure that whatever you decide to do will be with the best of intentions and am sure the children involved will cope amazingly as they often surprise me with how they cope with things.
lots of cyber hugs and cuddles are sent to you and you family
I have recently undergone a similar thing with my neice and nephew, when thier nan s cancer returned and spread.
They were 8 and 6 when it returned, but my sis didnt say anything and carried on as normal, until nan started showing signs of illness.
She explained that nan was poorly with an illness (or germs as she called them as the kids understood that better) and that her body was trying to fix itself by killing the germs, but it couldnt.
She told them that sometimes it meant that nan would be poorly or tired, and that sometimes she would be ok (as she had good days and bad)but that she was still their nan and still loved them very much.
When she had chemo and her hair fell out, again she explained that she had had some medicine to try and help her and it had made her hair fall out.
The kids, although initially concerned, just got on with treating her as they always had, just being extra careful if she was poorly, or extra quiet if she was tired, it became part of their every day life and they adjusted their behaviour accordingly.
When the end came near she was honest, but explained in language they could understand, that her body was tired of fighting the germs, and that she was going to pass away, which meant that she was going to be an angel who sat on a cloud. That they wouldnt be able to see her again, but that she would watch over them.
She allowed them to go to the funeral, as a kind of closure to them, and they coped very well, much better than she could have imagined. And now they always give their angel nan a wave up to the sky where they 'know' she is sat on her cloud.
We have used this previously on my kids and her older kids for my dad who passed away 13 years ago, and it works very well, and on his birthday & christmas, we get a helium balloon and all write a message on a label, tie it to the balloon and let it float up to the cloud so he can read their messages.
I must stress that I am passing on my own very recent experience, and it may not be to everyones cup of tea.
May I take this opportunity to wish you and all of your family much love, strength and peace over the coming months, and to let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers.
:kiss: :therethere: :therethere:
They were 8 and 6 when it returned, but my sis didnt say anything and carried on as normal, until nan started showing signs of illness.
She explained that nan was poorly with an illness (or germs as she called them as the kids understood that better) and that her body was trying to fix itself by killing the germs, but it couldnt.
She told them that sometimes it meant that nan would be poorly or tired, and that sometimes she would be ok (as she had good days and bad)but that she was still their nan and still loved them very much.
When she had chemo and her hair fell out, again she explained that she had had some medicine to try and help her and it had made her hair fall out.
The kids, although initially concerned, just got on with treating her as they always had, just being extra careful if she was poorly, or extra quiet if she was tired, it became part of their every day life and they adjusted their behaviour accordingly.
When the end came near she was honest, but explained in language they could understand, that her body was tired of fighting the germs, and that she was going to pass away, which meant that she was going to be an angel who sat on a cloud. That they wouldnt be able to see her again, but that she would watch over them.
She allowed them to go to the funeral, as a kind of closure to them, and they coped very well, much better than she could have imagined. And now they always give their angel nan a wave up to the sky where they 'know' she is sat on her cloud.
We have used this previously on my kids and her older kids for my dad who passed away 13 years ago, and it works very well, and on his birthday & christmas, we get a helium balloon and all write a message on a label, tie it to the balloon and let it float up to the cloud so he can read their messages.
I must stress that I am passing on my own very recent experience, and it may not be to everyones cup of tea.
May I take this opportunity to wish you and all of your family much love, strength and peace over the coming months, and to let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers.
:kiss: :therethere: :therethere: Sex God
Just to add....
Not sure what Shireen told our kids when I had my heart attack or when I went for surgery but it may be worth asking her
Not sure what Shireen told our kids when I had my heart attack or when I went for surgery but it may be worth asking her
Hi louise
So sorry to hear of your sad news.
I lost my son at the age of 5 1/2 to cancer and had a similar dilemma to face when we had to decide what to tell his brother, then aged 7 1/2. We were told my younger son was terminal (a phrase which I hate to use, but unfortunately thats what it is) and only a few months to live. He at this point was running round playing and seemingly healthy to unknowing onlookers.
We told my eldest son, as best we could, as we felt that maybe if we put it off, the time would suddenly be upon us and he would be desperately confused.
As difficult as this was, it allowed us all to be open with our love, feelings and sadness.
Everyone is different. You should do what you feel is best as your childrens mother. No one knows them as you do.
The only other advise i can give is to contact a cancer charity and ask if they have any help that they can give to you. Locally to us it was the CLIC Sargent charity who we leant on and who always gave us wonderful support.
Best wishes to you and your family Louise and just remember to tell your special person that they are much loved. you can never say it enough times.
XXX
So sorry to hear of your sad news.
I lost my son at the age of 5 1/2 to cancer and had a similar dilemma to face when we had to decide what to tell his brother, then aged 7 1/2. We were told my younger son was terminal (a phrase which I hate to use, but unfortunately thats what it is) and only a few months to live. He at this point was running round playing and seemingly healthy to unknowing onlookers.
We told my eldest son, as best we could, as we felt that maybe if we put it off, the time would suddenly be upon us and he would be desperately confused.
As difficult as this was, it allowed us all to be open with our love, feelings and sadness.
Everyone is different. You should do what you feel is best as your childrens mother. No one knows them as you do.
The only other advise i can give is to contact a cancer charity and ask if they have any help that they can give to you. Locally to us it was the CLIC Sargent charity who we leant on and who always gave us wonderful support.
Best wishes to you and your family Louise and just remember to tell your special person that they are much loved. you can never say it enough times.
XXX
Quote by Mistress_39
The only other advise i can give is to contact a cancer charity and ask if they have any help that they can give to you. Locally to us it was the CLIC Sargent charity who we leant on and who always gave us wonderful support.
I'd wholeheartedly support this as well. They've done no end to support our family during our daughter's illness.
Cx
Mistress_39, thank you for your comments and im so sorry to hear of the loss of your son too
Just wanted to say thanks for the comments and pm's. Im afraid I cant respond just yet to all of the comments made but my heads having a hard job taking it all in. Although some very sound advice coming through from you wonderful people yet again. Thank you :kiss:
Louise xx
Just wanted to say thanks for the comments and pm's. Im afraid I cant respond just yet to all of the comments made but my heads having a hard job taking it all in. Although some very sound advice coming through from you wonderful people yet again. Thank you :kiss:
Louise xx
Quote by louise_and_joe
Mistress_39, thank you for your comments and im so sorry to hear of the loss of your son too
Just wanted to say thanks for the comments and pm's. Im afraid I cant respond just yet to all of the comments made but my heads having a hard job taking it all in. Although some very sound advice coming through from you wonderful people yet again. Thank you :kiss:
Louise xx
Thank you for your kind words Louise. If you ever need to speak in more detail please feel free to private mail me and I will do all i can to help.
xxx
Louise you have the thoughts of us all in these difficult times.
There are a lot of excellent points made above and alas many bourne from their own brush with lifes tragedies. These are the words of truth.
My own feelings are that your children will resent being denied the chance to make whatever time is left the best experience they can for their love,guidance and support the experience can be turned into a predominantly positive one for all concerned .
The decision to be made will also depend on the feelings of your relative for they must also wish to focus on the apsects that will enhance the precious time left. From what you have said earlier in this thread she has told her own children so I get the feeling she is a woman of great courage and tremendous sensitivity to the needs of others.
I think having read this thread you will know what to do .
As with the others if there are any words of advice or comfort I can offer feel free to pm me.
Our thoughts are with you and your families.
There are a lot of excellent points made above and alas many bourne from their own brush with lifes tragedies. These are the words of truth.
My own feelings are that your children will resent being denied the chance to make whatever time is left the best experience they can for their love,guidance and support the experience can be turned into a predominantly positive one for all concerned .
The decision to be made will also depend on the feelings of your relative for they must also wish to focus on the apsects that will enhance the precious time left. From what you have said earlier in this thread she has told her own children so I get the feeling she is a woman of great courage and tremendous sensitivity to the needs of others.
I think having read this thread you will know what to do .
As with the others if there are any words of advice or comfort I can offer feel free to pm me.
Our thoughts are with you and your families.
Sex God
Louise,
so sorry to hear about your situation.
When I was 5 my eldest sister got cancer and I know that as the youngest of 5 kids, I was told from a fairly early stage what was going on. My brothers and sisters were all in their early teens so I think my parents decided that even though I was younger I should know what was going on. I'm glad they did. Yes, there were times when there were 'behind closed doors' discussions and I got very good at sensing when I should 'disappear' and play if my parenst or my sister looked like they needed time alone, but for the most part we got through it as a family.
It is tough, but having gone through that with my sister then I think I'm glad they were honest with me. I was worried enough for my sister and at times it was scary, but I'm glad I knew what was up. I think the confusion and/or secrecy would probably have been worse.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. Whatever you choose to do will be a difficult decicion. I hope it turns out for the best in difficult circumstances.
Take care,
Noladreams30 xx
so sorry to hear about your situation.
When I was 5 my eldest sister got cancer and I know that as the youngest of 5 kids, I was told from a fairly early stage what was going on. My brothers and sisters were all in their early teens so I think my parents decided that even though I was younger I should know what was going on. I'm glad they did. Yes, there were times when there were 'behind closed doors' discussions and I got very good at sensing when I should 'disappear' and play if my parenst or my sister looked like they needed time alone, but for the most part we got through it as a family.
It is tough, but having gone through that with my sister then I think I'm glad they were honest with me. I was worried enough for my sister and at times it was scary, but I'm glad I knew what was up. I think the confusion and/or secrecy would probably have been worse.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. Whatever you choose to do will be a difficult decicion. I hope it turns out for the best in difficult circumstances.
Take care,
Noladreams30 xx
although i cant speak from direct experience of these circumstances, i support what has been said about telling your children the truth.
i was brought up in a very open household and made privvy to many things that went on , not just locally, but within the world in general. i feel that it gave me certain advantages over those of my contemporaries who had led more "sheltered" existances.
although she doesnt live with me, I see my that my daughters appreciation of illness and death, disease,war etc at 8 years of age as an advantage for her both now and in her years to come.
i always tell her the truth about where people "have gone", why they are in wheelchairs,or why they might be in hospital as i feel that (even if they dont understand the true consequences)at least she knows the answers i give her are the truth and from truth comes trust.
it is sometimes pretty obvious to me those who were "molycoddled" as children as opposed to being treated according to their age and level of understanding.
i was brought up in a very open household and made privvy to many things that went on , not just locally, but within the world in general. i feel that it gave me certain advantages over those of my contemporaries who had led more "sheltered" existances.
although she doesnt live with me, I see my that my daughters appreciation of illness and death, disease,war etc at 8 years of age as an advantage for her both now and in her years to come.
i always tell her the truth about where people "have gone", why they are in wheelchairs,or why they might be in hospital as i feel that (even if they dont understand the true consequences)at least she knows the answers i give her are the truth and from truth comes trust.
it is sometimes pretty obvious to me those who were "molycoddled" as children as opposed to being treated according to their age and level of understanding.
My daughter lost her much loved Grandad last year and has watched myself and my mother go through various stages of grief through losing other relatives in the past 18 months or more.
Not exactly the same but her dad's dog was very ill recently and had emergency surgery that it may not have survived. Her dad didn't want me to say anything but I hate that death is such a subject.
I strongly believe that we should talk about this - the only guarentee in life is death so why not be open about it?
If I was in your situation, I'd sit the kids down and tell them that your relative is very poorly and the time wil come when she won't be around anymore. Her body will die but her spirit will live on. It will be incredibly sad and we shouldn't be afraid to express that sadness but until then let's celebrate life, love our relative as much as possible and make each day a happy one to remember.
After that, I probably wouldn't discuss it unless they asked questions.
Not exactly the same but her dad's dog was very ill recently and had emergency surgery that it may not have survived. Her dad didn't want me to say anything but I hate that death is such a subject.
I strongly believe that we should talk about this - the only guarentee in life is death so why not be open about it?
If I was in your situation, I'd sit the kids down and tell them that your relative is very poorly and the time wil come when she won't be around anymore. Her body will die but her spirit will live on. It will be incredibly sad and we shouldn't be afraid to express that sadness but until then let's celebrate life, love our relative as much as possible and make each day a happy one to remember.
After that, I probably wouldn't discuss it unless they asked questions.
