The SH Day Today... (for Chris Morris fans)

29 Jan 2009

Quote by Resonance
Title & Music "The SH Day Today"
Voice over : "The SH Day Today. News that flaps in your face"
More Music
Bernard (Voice Over) : "The Headlines Tonight... Artex gaffe leads to knicker confusion..." Cut to
Resonance : "It was an honest simple mistake... I don't get to stare at girls knicks much so I was confused..."
Bernard (Voice Over) : "... Man Ejactulates twice his own bodyweight viewing ladies forum pics..."
Darkened out man : "... It was so deep that eventually, I had to swim to the kitchen and beat half of them to death with a rolling pin."
Bernard (Voice Over) : " and SH member admits to having ordinarily sized penis."
Anonymous Chap : "... Well... It's just normal sized really... I can't do very much with it these days other than take it to the park for a stroll."
Bernard : That's the headlines tonight... Now beat me till I'm erect."
(Opening Titles)
Bernard : NEEEEWWWWWWWSSSSS ! More on those stories later, but first tonight, here's Clitoral Bliss with a breaking report...
Clitorial Bliss : Associated press has now confirmed that DirtyGirl has farted. The incident occurred on the way home from the shops after eating a bag of Monster Munch and a tangerine. Police say there are no confirmed casualties as yet and they are keeping relatives of anyone in the area at the time, informed via a series of odd grunts and noises emitted by owls and other woodland creatures. The flatulence occurred in the vicinity of Edinburgh castle and while structural experts have confirmed the integrity of the building remains solid, they are concerned about aftershocks and the possibility of localised gassings.
Terrified Scottish Person : "I was stood here, when it all just went off! I was so frightened, I hugged this guy next tae me... and he's English!"
Clitoral Bliss : "Specialist teams of masked police have been in the area for decontamination and the area around the castle has been passed safe for people from England, however everyone else is advised to stay well clear. Dirty Girly herself remains in a comfortable condition, lay on her couch with her boobs out and webcam on, eating another bag of Monster Munch and one can only wonder when and where the next outbreak may take place. Clitoral Bliss for the SH Day Today, Edinburgh."
Bernard : "More on this story, when we can be arsed."

30 Jan 2009

Clitorial Bliss : Associated press has now confirmed that DirtyGirl has farted. The incident occurred on the way home from the shops after eating a bag of Monster Munch and a tangerine. Police say there are no confirmed casualties as yet and they are keeping relatives of anyone in the area at the time, informed via a series of odd grunts and noises emitted by owls and other woodland creatures. The flatulence occurred in the vicinity of Edinburgh castle and while structural experts have confirmed the integrity of the building remains solid, they are concerned about aftershocks and the possibility of localised gassings.
Terrified Scottish Person : "I was stood here, when it all just went off! I was so frightened, I hugged this guy next tae me... and he's English!"
Clitoral Bliss : "Specialist teams of masked police have been in the area for decontamination and the area around the castle has been passed safe for people from England, however everyone else is advised to stay well clear. Dirty Girly herself remains in a comfortable condition, lay on her couch with her boobs out and webcam on, eating another bag of Monster Munch and one can only wonder when and where the next outbreak may take place. Clitoral Bliss for the SH Day Today, Edinburgh."

Dear Mr Resonance, I'd like to offer my profuse and unreserved apologies to you, in public, for my earlier suggestion that some of your earlier posts may in some ways have been absolute bollox, complete fabrications, whatever you wanna call them.
I have it on good authority that every single bit of the above article is 100% true. It was confirmed to me by a small dickie bird, which had until that point been successfully struggling against the foulest of weathers on it's annual spring migration across Central Scotland, to it's nesting sites deep in the Arctic Circle. Suffice to say, explosions of this nature are enough to tip the all too delicate balance of nature irreversibly, and the aforesaid dickie bird has now had to settle for a small, muddy pond down the slag heaps near the back of my mum's. I don't hold out much hope for the wee blighter. It's chances of getting a decent shag down there are pretty much nil I'd have thought, so I hope DG is proud of herself.
Still, it's what we've come to expect of DG, so I can't say as it comes as too much of a surprise, but nevertheless, I'd like to thank you profusely for restoring my faith in journalists, for you have clearly demonstrated the very highest standards of truth, objectivity, and integrity that are sadly so sorely lacking elsewhere in the media today.
Yours faithfully,
Neilinleeds

30 Jan 2009

Quote by Resonance
well checked in and been made to chuckle, which as i'm going back out to work is a good thing to start my day. thanks res!
neil........i have a nice bit of chocolate cake stashed as evidence......tempted?
whips

Oooh Ms Whips...
I've only just started with you young lady... There's much more to come... ;-)
And as for Dirty Girly... Lets just say our researchers have pulled up some interesting facts involving a lemon, a pair of roller blades, A Neil Diamond CD, A selection of vibrating toys, handcuffs and the Bishop of Bath and Wells. :-O
Sadly, I have work today so I am less on the bollox and more on the bollocks (is that right? I do get the pair confused...) However I do hope to be back later to annoy as many people as possible and I pass the crazy baton to any other inmates happy to post.
Until then,
Oh Reservoir.
Res.
The Neil Diamond CD is my mums and the bishop was lost okay!! rolleyes

I have no explanation for the lemon except that it got stuck! redface

:mrgreen:

30 Jan 2009

Quote by Resonance
Title & Music "The SH Day Today"
Voice over : "The SH Day Today. News that flaps in your face"
More Music
Bernard (Voice Over) : "The Headlines Tonight... Artex gaffe leads to knicker confusion..." Cut to
Resonance : "It was an honest simple mistake... I don't get to stare at girls knicks much so I was confused..."
Bernard (Voice Over) : "... Man Ejactulates twice his own bodyweight viewing ladies forum pics..."
Darkened out man : "... It was so deep that eventually, I had to swim to the kitchen and beat half of them to death with a rolling pin."
Bernard (Voice Over) : " and SH member admits to having ordinarily sized penis."
Anonymous Chap : "... Well... It's just normal sized really... I can't do very much with it these days other than take it to the park for a stroll."
Bernard : That's the headlines tonight... Now beat me till I'm erect."
(Opening Titles)
Bernard : NEEEEWWWWWWWSSSSS ! More on those stories later, but first tonight, here's Clitoral Bliss with a breaking report...
Clitorial Bliss : Associated press has now confirmed that DirtyGirl has farted. The incident occurred on the way home from the shops after eating a bag of Monster Munch and a tangerine. Police say there are no confirmed casualties as yet and they are keeping relatives of anyone in the area at the time, informed via a series of odd grunts and noises emitted by owls and other woodland creatures. The flatulence occurred in the vicinity of Edinburgh castle and while structural experts have confirmed the integrity of the building remains solid, they are concerned about aftershocks and the possibility of localised gassings.
Terrified Scottish Person : "I was stood here, when it all just went off! I was so frightened, I hugged this guy next tae me... and he's English!"
Clitoral Bliss : "Specialist teams of masked police have been in the area for decontamination and the area around the castle has been passed safe for people from England, however everyone else is advised to stay well clear. Dirty Girly herself remains in a comfortable condition, lay on her couch with her boobs out and webcam on, eating another bag of Monster Munch and one can only wonder when and where the next outbreak may take place. Clitoral Bliss for the SH Day Today, Edinburgh."
Bernard : "More on this story, when we can be arsed."

:shock:
I thought no-one noticed!!!
And they were wotsits!!! redface