(Cue Dramatic music and opening titles)
Hello You!
(Short Musical Interlude)
Bernard : Good evening : I'm Bernard Perineum and this is the news...
SH was rocked today by the news that one of it's members, who goes by the nickname Resonance, is in actual fact, cult member Standwych Eldon III (32), a notorious gangster rapper and professional lemming stuffer who was once implicated as part of an underground Milwaukee vice ring, that used Cheese Strings and Sherbet Dib-Dabs as a way of enticing young, impressionable men and women from the street, and into a life of deplorable sexual depravity... Minx Bointy reports...
Minx : Picture the scene, it's dark, late, you are alone. Afraid. A man walks up and offers you everything you've ever wanted. Security, safety and as much Cheese strings and sherbet dib-dabs you can stuff into your purulent mouth... That man was Standwych Eldon III (35), son of the famed rocker Norbert Oldwin Budworth Cheese. Eldon (29), used his standing and contacts in the cheese and confectionery industry to entice vulnerable men and women into his Milwaukee based sex dens, for games so vulgar, that we are going to have to show graphic illustrations and pictures of them to ensure we get maximum viewing figures and exposure in the media. I spoke with one of Eldon's victims, Sandra Chistlehurst (28), who asked not to be identified by her name, so we shall call her Sandy (34) for anonymity. She tearfully told us about the depraved games Eldon played and it amused us a great deal. Here is the kind of things that which she said to us, what she said before about what she said :
Sandy : Eldon was awful, a horrible, horrible man. He'd bring us in from the streets, feed us clothe us and then start us off on the cheese strings. Well... (gulp) once you are on them... You're hooked... After we are reliant on them... He moves you onto the Dib Dabs... At that point you're lost. You are his to do with whatever his depraved mind likes. Several times he took me into a room and forced me, at celery point, to make me watch Jerry Springer and then... he'd... get out his Snickers. It was too much.
Minx: Fortunately Sandy (37) escaped before it was too late. She checked herself into a clinic in LA but was told she was a bit of a nutter. Despite this she reported Eldon to the police, however when armed officers broke into his compound, they found no trace of Eldon. Only a room filled with used lolly sticks, a television and a single, lonely Snickers wrapper...
That was until today when eagle eyed users of internet den of iniquity, SH, reportedly stumbled across Eldon using the nickname "Resonance" on the site. The site is of course "Sweetie Heaven" a depraved site where members get together to discuss all things confectionery, meet up to swap sweeties and often lick each others lollipops. So far Eldon has lain low, but how long will it be before those unaware of this depraved, and some would say, ergonomic, man fall into his sticky, sweet clutches once again?
Sandy (22) : For gods sake ladies... get out of there... Don't let him fool you with his hob-nobs...
Bernard : Minx Bointy there with the rather disturbing news... but now here is Eleanor Scrote with the SH weather...
Eleanor : There will be continued damp patches today across the nether regions with outbursts of creamy drizzle and various other outpourings likely. Hilly regions will remain visibly jiggly, with snow likely only on the nipply summits. And to summarise : Phwoar!
Bernard : Join me tomorrow when we launch the first day of our investigation: Breasts, what are they are, where you can get them and why is this man...
Man in street : "... they frighten me... I am sure they contain secrets within... But I am a stockbroker by trade and I love stamp collecting!"
Bernard :... is unlikely to see any. Until then... Rub my pants and make me squirm minions!
(End Credits)
Advertisement : If you would like to appear in an episode of "The SH Day today" then please feel free to leave a small comment using your SH ID, name, phone number, bra/pants size, best time to contact you, the various sexual practices you enjoy and why you'd love to smother me in marmite and take me around the local park for the sparrows to peck at. I will then get back to you, provided I have not been sectioned or banned, or both.
(Crosses fingers and hopes that someone gets it...)
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The SH Day Today... (for Chris Morris fans)
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Sex God
ok too clever for me
head
straight over it
:cry: :cry: :cry:
head
straight over it
:cry: :cry: :cry:
Sex God
Quote by Resonance
(Crosses fingers and hopes that someone gets it...)
You are quite positively nuts but I love it!
*wanders off to leave relevant information for the SH Daily Planet* :giggle:
Quote by bouncy332
ok too clever for me
head
straight over it
:cry: :cry: :cry:
Aww Sorry Bouncy...
It might not make much sense if you've not seen the Day Today itself... (You tube may have bits to watch)...
Well worth a watch if you haven't...
And the entire point is that it is just silly rather than clever anyway... I can't do clever!
Quote by Ms_Whips
.
really, i have no blummin idea what the hell you are talking about but i like it just the same
whips
That makes two of us Ms Whips!
Welcome to my brand of peculiar madness anyway... rest assured you shall feature very shortly in your own little story...
I can promise I will never be rude, personal or make fun OF people. I may make stupid remarks and be generally silly, however If I upset anybody with these you are welcome to stab my knackers and serve them using hot cheese and a fondue set.
Quote by Mrsgoggins
It took me 3 years of therapy to stop using the sherbet dip-dabs (sniff) but I'm happy to say the cheese strings never got me. Now where did I leave those Hob Nobs...........
Ah Mrs G... That's the perils of being Greendale's finest... All that temptation on display it is inevitable at times...
But draw confidence and comfort from the knowledge that you beat the dib-dab addiction and that you avoided the cheese string phenomenon. Be careful with the hob nobs, or you'll be quickly asking for several "fingers" all at once and I'll have to try and satisfy your lust with my rather tiny "club".
Quote by Resonance
It took me 3 years of therapy to stop using the sherbet dip-dabs (sniff) but I'm happy to say the cheese strings never got me. Now where did I leave those Hob Nobs...........
Ah Mrs G... That's the perils of being Greendale's finest... All that temptation on display it is inevitable at times...
But draw confidence and comfort from the knowledge that you beat the dib-dab addiction and that you avoided the cheese string phenomenon. Be careful with the hob nobs, or you'll be quickly asking for several "fingers" all at once and I'll have to try and satisfy your lust with my rather tiny "club".
Mmmmmmm what flavour - orange, minty or golf?
lmao!
I'm not sure any appeals flavour wise, one would be like licking a bar of Terrys Chocolate Orange, the other like chewing on Blackpool Rock and as for "Golf!" God, not seen them in years! What a blast from the past! And what flavour were they anyway? Balls flavour?!
I remember the one with the Queen from a deck of cards on now too...and the fruity one... Perhaps that's the best flavour for me. Fruity... I'm not really a queen.
I'm not sure any appeals flavour wise, one would be like licking a bar of Terrys Chocolate Orange, the other like chewing on Blackpool Rock and as for "Golf!" God, not seen them in years! What a blast from the past! And what flavour were they anyway? Balls flavour?!
I remember the one with the Queen from a deck of cards on now too...and the fruity one... Perhaps that's the best flavour for me. Fruity... I'm not really a queen.
Sex God
How dare you! How bloody dare you! :mad: This article is a complete fabrication from beginning to end. It is a slander and a slur of the most outrageous kind. I happen to know Sandra Chislehurst ((( she's 36 actually, mother of two, nice lady! ))) from when we was both in the rehab together, and that Dr who said she was a looney doesn't know their arse from their elbow. 
They have no idea what it's like, really they don't. Waltzing about in their white coats oozing fake concern and peddling their snake oil cures, they have no idea just how hard it is, and then . . . then they try to tell us it's ALL OUR FAULT!!! :mad: It's . . . . it's . . . it's . . . not on . . .
*breaks down in uncontrollable sobbing*
Sorry, do you mind if we turn the camera of for a moment . . .
N x x x ;)
p.s. Resonance, I can only say, that lot up there is complete bollox of the highest order!
They have no idea what it's like, really they don't. Waltzing about in their white coats oozing fake concern and peddling their snake oil cures, they have no idea just how hard it is, and then . . . then they try to tell us it's ALL OUR FAULT!!! :mad: It's . . . . it's . . . it's . . . not on . . . *breaks down in uncontrollable sobbing*
Sorry, do you mind if we turn the camera of for a moment . . .
N x x x ;)
p.s. Resonance, I can only say, that lot up there is complete bollox of the highest order!
Sex God
I believe Neil is showing signs of being a habitual Cake user. His endless sobbing is simliar to syptoms exhibited by young people addicted to cake, one child cried all the water from his body in such an incident !
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The SH Day Today : News and Nudes coming right in your face.
Bernard : We have more from our earlier story. Here's Minx Bointy once again...
Minx : The situation at SH is now getting critical. It seems Eldon's sphere of influence is growing. This afternoon I spoke to one person who had been under his tyrannical influence and who was under no illusions as to the danger of this man. NeilinLeeds was a charming, affable sensible young man, until he fell under the spell of Eldon whilst training to be a part time gas valve. He literally blew a gasket when he read the story... We'd like to warn viewers of a nervous disposition to get a life and close your eyes if you ever venture out into the real world...
NeilinLeeds: How dare you! How bloody dare you! icon_ This article is a complete fabrication from beginning to end. It is a slander and a slur of the most outrageous kind. I happen to know Sandra Chislehurst ((( she's 36 actually, mother of two, nice lady! ))) from when we was both in the rehab together, and that Dr who said she was a looney doesn't know their arse from their elbow. icon_ They have no idea what it's like, really they don't. Waltzing about in their white coats oozing fake concern and peddling their snake oil cures, they have no idea just how hard it is, and then . . . then they try to tell us it's ALL OUR FAULT!!! icon_ It's . . . . it's . . . it's . . . not on . . .
*breaks down in uncontrollable sobbing*
Sorry, do you mind if we turn the camera of for a moment . . . "
Minx : Heart wrenching stuff I am sure you will agree. The reason for Neil's descent into madness has been explained by leading narcotic expert Sil Kandbigg. He attributes Neil's fragile state of mind not to Dib Dabs, not even Cheese strings and not even the dreaded Snickers... but something even worse.
Sil kandbigg : I believe Neil is showing signs of being a habitual Cake user. His endless sobbing is simliar to syptoms exhibited by young people addicted to cake, one child cried all the water from his body in such an incident.
Minx : Cake is street slang for a mix of kettamine, amphetamine, heroine, cocaine and light sponge. The term "cake" is simply a generic term, it is also known on the street as "Whammy Jim Jams", "Uncle Bucks Furtle", "Wee Jimmy Krankie's Love shoot offerings" and "Rolf Harris metatronic teapot". The effects of cake are mindblowing. Noted effects are a predilection to watching "Countdown", cups of tea at eleven each morning with a slab of the drug and inviting various religious leaders into your house to bore them senseless about the church fete and your bladder problems. So what would happen if Eldon's plan of SH dominance is to bear fruit? We spoke to head of the SH police, Ms Whips for her take.
Ms Whips: We are aware of Eldon's nefarious activities and his dubious past and we are well tooled up to deal with the job. We have discovered his quirks and foibles and there is a whole band of large breasted ladies, armed with handcuffs, whips and chains ready to leap in and put an end to his ways once and for all. Provided they can stop playing with them and with each other...
Minx : Rumour has it that Eldon has gone to ground once again. We rang his mobile, but received no answer. His home phone had apparently been disconnected and his messenger pigeons have been caught by the neighbourhood cat. While the menace may have subsided, the threat is still very real for the terrified residents of SH-ville.
I've been Minx Bointy for the SH Day Today.
Bernard : ... Troubling times I'm sure you will agree. Now over to Collatelly Sisters for news on the SH money markets. Collatelly...
Collatelly : Thank's. A buoyant day on the market saw skirts and tops right up, but this was followed by a sense of disappointment when they went back down again. Trousers by and large remain very low, pants similar whole penises on the whole remain firm. Orifices remain slippery while bottoms have taken a spanking and are down by three smartings and a whip mark. Tedium remains at an all time high though understanding and fornication has levelled off at record levels of boredom. Bernard...
Bernard : Thankyou Collatelly and a quick look through Tomorrow's headlines... The Sun goes with "Kenty for P.M", whilst the Mail leads "Man Marries Dirty Girl's best breast pic". The Guardian has "Angel Chat's but won't blow" and finally the Greendale Truncheon leads with "Pat and Ted, It's a Boy!" an exclusive from Jess the Cat there... This has been the SH Day today... Now bend over and let me put it right... there!
(End Credits)
The SH Day Today : News and Nudes coming right in your face.
Bernard : We have more from our earlier story. Here's Minx Bointy once again...
Minx : The situation at SH is now getting critical. It seems Eldon's sphere of influence is growing. This afternoon I spoke to one person who had been under his tyrannical influence and who was under no illusions as to the danger of this man. NeilinLeeds was a charming, affable sensible young man, until he fell under the spell of Eldon whilst training to be a part time gas valve. He literally blew a gasket when he read the story... We'd like to warn viewers of a nervous disposition to get a life and close your eyes if you ever venture out into the real world...
NeilinLeeds: How dare you! How bloody dare you! icon_ This article is a complete fabrication from beginning to end. It is a slander and a slur of the most outrageous kind. I happen to know Sandra Chislehurst ((( she's 36 actually, mother of two, nice lady! ))) from when we was both in the rehab together, and that Dr who said she was a looney doesn't know their arse from their elbow. icon_ They have no idea what it's like, really they don't. Waltzing about in their white coats oozing fake concern and peddling their snake oil cures, they have no idea just how hard it is, and then . . . then they try to tell us it's ALL OUR FAULT!!! icon_ It's . . . . it's . . . it's . . . not on . . .
*breaks down in uncontrollable sobbing*
Sorry, do you mind if we turn the camera of for a moment . . . "
Minx : Heart wrenching stuff I am sure you will agree. The reason for Neil's descent into madness has been explained by leading narcotic expert Sil Kandbigg. He attributes Neil's fragile state of mind not to Dib Dabs, not even Cheese strings and not even the dreaded Snickers... but something even worse.
Sil kandbigg : I believe Neil is showing signs of being a habitual Cake user. His endless sobbing is simliar to syptoms exhibited by young people addicted to cake, one child cried all the water from his body in such an incident.
Minx : Cake is street slang for a mix of kettamine, amphetamine, heroine, cocaine and light sponge. The term "cake" is simply a generic term, it is also known on the street as "Whammy Jim Jams", "Uncle Bucks Furtle", "Wee Jimmy Krankie's Love shoot offerings" and "Rolf Harris metatronic teapot". The effects of cake are mindblowing. Noted effects are a predilection to watching "Countdown", cups of tea at eleven each morning with a slab of the drug and inviting various religious leaders into your house to bore them senseless about the church fete and your bladder problems. So what would happen if Eldon's plan of SH dominance is to bear fruit? We spoke to head of the SH police, Ms Whips for her take.
Ms Whips: We are aware of Eldon's nefarious activities and his dubious past and we are well tooled up to deal with the job. We have discovered his quirks and foibles and there is a whole band of large breasted ladies, armed with handcuffs, whips and chains ready to leap in and put an end to his ways once and for all. Provided they can stop playing with them and with each other...
Minx : Rumour has it that Eldon has gone to ground once again. We rang his mobile, but received no answer. His home phone had apparently been disconnected and his messenger pigeons have been caught by the neighbourhood cat. While the menace may have subsided, the threat is still very real for the terrified residents of SH-ville.
I've been Minx Bointy for the SH Day Today.
Bernard : ... Troubling times I'm sure you will agree. Now over to Collatelly Sisters for news on the SH money markets. Collatelly...
Collatelly : Thank's. A buoyant day on the market saw skirts and tops right up, but this was followed by a sense of disappointment when they went back down again. Trousers by and large remain very low, pants similar whole penises on the whole remain firm. Orifices remain slippery while bottoms have taken a spanking and are down by three smartings and a whip mark. Tedium remains at an all time high though understanding and fornication has levelled off at record levels of boredom. Bernard...
Bernard : Thankyou Collatelly and a quick look through Tomorrow's headlines... The Sun goes with "Kenty for P.M", whilst the Mail leads "Man Marries Dirty Girl's best breast pic". The Guardian has "Angel Chat's but won't blow" and finally the Greendale Truncheon leads with "Pat and Ted, It's a Boy!" an exclusive from Jess the Cat there... This has been the SH Day today... Now bend over and let me put it right... there!
(End Credits)
Sex God
But quality
.
Quote by Theladyisaminx
What a talent!
Really enjoying your posts.
Do you take a breath?
I breathe through my bum Minx...
errmmm that isn't breathing thats exhaling only!
My ears are pretty good for breathing through
Really? Can we think of a fair test to enquire as to the validity of this claim?
errrrrrr..
Sex God
Dr Heinrich Von Furtzlewanger: Ya, ya, zis Neilinleeds. I remember. Boy, vaz he von messed up kid! Ze kind of patient zat makes careers. He vaz admitted to ze rehab for ze treatment of ze complex range of issues. Ze irrational aversion to Amy Vinehouse from ze time he vaz in ze Priory mit her, unt ze phobia of ze rats, unt a strange belief zat his alter ego vaz a moose. Ya, a moose. Mit ze antlers unt everything. 
He could haf bin my lifetimes vork. I'm sorry he left before I could charge him any more . . . erm . . . I mean, before I could cure him of all of his ills. 
Neilinleeds: Yeah, yeah, so I did a bit of cake. So what? I could handle it. I just used to dabble a bit to start with. Small slice of victoria sponge here, a jaffa cake there, which are actually cakes you know. Some people think they're biscuits, but they're not. You know how you can tell the difference? Cakes go hard when you leave 'em out, and biscuits go soft. Not a lot of people know that. Anyways, I digress . . .
So yeah, I was in the priory for a bit, that's true, and that was my downfall. I just thought it was some kind of health spa for celebs with nowt better to be doing, in need of a bit of press coverage and stuff. Thought it looked a nice place for a long weekend, but they was all on the stuff in there. It was the battenberg that really got me in the end. Best of all the marzipan based foodstuffs. :lickface:
N x x x ;)
He could haf bin my lifetimes vork. I'm sorry he left before I could charge him any more . . . erm . . . I mean, before I could cure him of all of his ills. Neilinleeds: Yeah, yeah, so I did a bit of cake. So what? I could handle it. I just used to dabble a bit to start with. Small slice of victoria sponge here, a jaffa cake there, which are actually cakes you know. Some people think they're biscuits, but they're not. You know how you can tell the difference? Cakes go hard when you leave 'em out, and biscuits go soft. Not a lot of people know that. Anyways, I digress . . .
So yeah, I was in the priory for a bit, that's true, and that was my downfall. I just thought it was some kind of health spa for celebs with nowt better to be doing, in need of a bit of press coverage and stuff. Thought it looked a nice place for a long weekend, but they was all on the stuff in there. It was the battenberg that really got me in the end. Best of all the marzipan based foodstuffs. :lickface:
N x x x ;)
Sex God
Quote by neilinleeds
... nonsense
N x x x ;)
How did I know you'd be in here?! :giggle:
Sex God
Quote by Dirtygirly
... nonsense
N x x x ;)
How did I know you'd be in here?! :giggle:
erm . . . cos it's the thread with the most complete bollox and utter shite in it, and you know me so well?
Ms Whips, thanks, but those days are behind me. These days it's all smoothies and pro-biotic yoghurts, a disgusting habit I picked up in LA, and a poor substitute for fudge brownies and the like.
;)
N x x x ;)
Quote by Ms_Whips
well checked in and been made to chuckle, which as i'm going back out to work is a good thing to start my day. thanks res!
neil........i have a nice bit of chocolate cake stashed as evidence......tempted?
whips
Oooh Ms Whips...
I've only just started with you young lady... There's much more to come... ;-)
And as for Dirty Girly... Lets just say our researchers have pulled up some interesting facts involving a lemon, a pair of roller blades, A Neil Diamond CD, A selection of vibrating toys, handcuffs and the Bishop of Bath and Wells. :-O
Sadly, I have work today so I am less on the bollox and more on the bollocks (is that right? I do get the pair confused...) However I do hope to be back later to annoy as many people as possible and I pass the crazy baton to any other inmates happy to post.
Until then,
Oh Reservoir.
Res.
Quote by Ms_Whips
just getting started with me res? careful you don't bite off more than you can chew lol
whips
(Glances at MS Whips Avatar)
... People in glass houses... ;-)
i wasn't so much biting when that pic was taken. more putting my very hot, red lippied mouth over his 'shape' so as to mark him. the biting came later :twisted:
whips
I am now inordinately afraid...
Title & Music "The SH Day Today"
Voice over : "The SH Day Today. News that flaps in your face"
More Music
Bernard (Voice Over) : "The Headlines Tonight... Artex gaffe leads to knicker confusion..." Cut to
Resonance : "It was an honest simple mistake... I don't get to stare at girls knicks much so I was confused..."
Bernard (Voice Over) : "... Man Ejactulates twice his own bodyweight viewing ladies forum pics..."
Darkened out man : "... It was so deep that eventually, I had to swim to the kitchen and beat half of them to death with a rolling pin."
Bernard (Voice Over) : " and SH member admits to having ordinarily sized penis."
Anonymous Chap : "... Well... It's just normal sized really... I can't do very much with it these days other than take it to the park for a stroll."
Bernard : That's the headlines tonight... Now beat me till I'm erect."
(Opening Titles)
Bernard : NEEEEWWWWWWWSSSSS ! More on those stories later, but first tonight, here's Clitoral Bliss with a breaking report...
Clitorial Bliss : Associated press has now confirmed that DirtyGirl has farted. The incident occurred on the way home from the shops after eating a bag of Monster Munch and a tangerine. Police say there are no confirmed casualties as yet and they are keeping relatives of anyone in the area at the time, informed via a series of odd grunts and noises emitted by owls and other woodland creatures. The flatulence occurred in the vicinity of Edinburgh castle and while structural experts have confirmed the integrity of the building remains solid, they are concerned about aftershocks and the possibility of localised gassings.
Terrified Scottish Person : "I was stood here, when it all just went off! I was so frightened, I hugged this guy next tae me... and he's English!"
Clitoral Bliss : "Specialist teams of masked police have been in the area for decontamination and the area around the castle has been passed safe for people from England, however everyone else is advised to stay well clear. Dirty Girly herself remains in a comfortable condition, lay on her couch with her boobs out and webcam on, eating another bag of Monster Munch and one can only wonder when and where the next outbreak may take place. Clitoral Bliss for the SH Day Today, Edinburgh."
Bernard : "More on this story, when we can be arsed."
Voice over : "The SH Day Today. News that flaps in your face"
More Music
Bernard (Voice Over) : "The Headlines Tonight... Artex gaffe leads to knicker confusion..." Cut to
Resonance : "It was an honest simple mistake... I don't get to stare at girls knicks much so I was confused..."
Bernard (Voice Over) : "... Man Ejactulates twice his own bodyweight viewing ladies forum pics..."
Darkened out man : "... It was so deep that eventually, I had to swim to the kitchen and beat half of them to death with a rolling pin."
Bernard (Voice Over) : " and SH member admits to having ordinarily sized penis."
Anonymous Chap : "... Well... It's just normal sized really... I can't do very much with it these days other than take it to the park for a stroll."
Bernard : That's the headlines tonight... Now beat me till I'm erect."
(Opening Titles)
Bernard : NEEEEWWWWWWWSSSSS ! More on those stories later, but first tonight, here's Clitoral Bliss with a breaking report...
Clitorial Bliss : Associated press has now confirmed that DirtyGirl has farted. The incident occurred on the way home from the shops after eating a bag of Monster Munch and a tangerine. Police say there are no confirmed casualties as yet and they are keeping relatives of anyone in the area at the time, informed via a series of odd grunts and noises emitted by owls and other woodland creatures. The flatulence occurred in the vicinity of Edinburgh castle and while structural experts have confirmed the integrity of the building remains solid, they are concerned about aftershocks and the possibility of localised gassings.
Terrified Scottish Person : "I was stood here, when it all just went off! I was so frightened, I hugged this guy next tae me... and he's English!"
Clitoral Bliss : "Specialist teams of masked police have been in the area for decontamination and the area around the castle has been passed safe for people from England, however everyone else is advised to stay well clear. Dirty Girly herself remains in a comfortable condition, lay on her couch with her boobs out and webcam on, eating another bag of Monster Munch and one can only wonder when and where the next outbreak may take place. Clitoral Bliss for the SH Day Today, Edinburgh."
Bernard : "More on this story, when we can be arsed."
