My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.
I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
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These are genuine Council complaint letters
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Sex God
:laughabove: :laughabove: :laughabove:
Sex God
Outstanding 
:cry: :cry: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: 
:cry: :cry: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: 
Sex God
Quote by MrFC
I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
MrFC i will have you know that my ankle was bloody sore after the accident and I think I was entitled to write a letter of complaint.
I am also talking to my solicitor because when they wrote back to me and I qoute....
"and further more, if you are looking to seek compensation from us you must have your head up your arse"
I took them seriousely hence my current predicament.
Sex God
:rotflmao: :rotflmao:not cos you we're checking if you had fungus growing in yer back passage? no?
neil ;-)
Sex God
Quote by neilinleeds
not cos you we're checking if you had fungus growing in yer back passage? no?
neil ;-)
That was a different problem that I have been seeing the doctor about. He treated me with some strong creams and wrote to the council to tell them that I had a fungal problem in the arse area (although he used a posher word) and that the damp conditions I was living in, were a contributing factor as fungal growth is promoted in the damp.
The council to be fair, got back to me and offered to install double glazing. Now I know that surgery has leapt forward in recent years but I had no idea that they could do that!! :shock:
I am currently considering the benefits of either a sash or a swing and tilt system.
Sex God
well dave, make sure to tell 'em you want that toughened safety glass stuff. a lot more secure, and altogether harder to gain entry!
neil ;-)
neil ;-)
Sex God
Quote by neilinleeds
well dave, make sure to tell 'em you want that toughened safety glass stuff. a lot more secure, and altogether harder to gain entry!
neil ;-)
You state the obvious. Clearly if the council want to install a window in my arse then security is vital to me. I told them that it would be preferable if they could install a porch and entry phone system whilst they were at it, but they are now talking about the need for planning permission and red tape as the size of installation I wanted exceeded the current aperture.
I know they are trying to help, but the thought of having the planning committee inspecting me for approval has made me rethink as I am a private person and we all know what happens if you stick tape on any area of the body that grows hair, bloody painfull to get off.
they also mentioned something about new installations being done on anything over a certain age and that I might come under grade two status which further complicates things. If my arse becomes a grade two then modern wipe down windows are not allowed and they will have to install wooden painted ones. I dont think my body could stand the necessary sanding and re-painting so it might all be a non starter.
Sex God
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: You guys are just priceless..................
Sex God
i've simultaneously ejected coffee all over the monitor, and fecking wet meself!!!!!
:rotflmao: :rotflmao:
but yeah you deffo don't want the wooden ones. imagine when they need repainting and you have to get the blowtorch out! ffs! uPVC deffo the way forward on this one mate! bad enough when i boiled me bollox following your advice on liquid displacement as a measuring tool ffs!
n x x x ;-)
:rotflmao: :rotflmao:but yeah you deffo don't want the wooden ones. imagine when they need repainting and you have to get the blowtorch out! ffs! uPVC deffo the way forward on this one mate! bad enough when i boiled me bollox following your advice on liquid displacement as a measuring tool ffs!
n x x x ;-)
Sex God
mrs davej just pointed out that the window cleaner aint gonna be happy when we show him that he has missed one.
Sex God
Misschief! i resemble that remark!
just cos we've balatantly hijacked MrFC's thread and are now wittering on in a completely random way does not make us idiots. madder than a box of frogs maybe, but idiots, no! now i demand an apology, possibly with sexual favours thrown in for good measure, just to make sure it's a sincere apology and not just an attempt to avoid a
neil x x x ;-)
just cos we've balatantly hijacked MrFC's thread and are now wittering on in a completely random way does not make us idiots. madder than a box of frogs maybe, but idiots, no! now i demand an apology, possibly with sexual favours thrown in for good measure, just to make sure it's a sincere apology and not just an attempt to avoid a
neil x x x ;-)
Sex God
and I demand a quart of windowlene
Quote by neilinleeds
now i demand an apology, possibly with sexual favours thrown in for good measure, just to make sure it's a sincere apology and not just an attempt to avoid a
Quote by davej
and I demand a quart of windowlene
OK OK OK I'm sorry
:roll: :roll: :roll: Quote by Sgt Bilko
Wasn't me t'was Sarge that done that :smug: in another thread!!!!!
Sex God
Quote by celticq
I think you'll probabley find its a conservation areaYou'll have to go for the stained mahogany surrounds with the brass fittings.
I can probably live with the staining and brass, what is more worrying is if my insurance company insist on a safety grill and deadlocks. I am reaching an age where the bodies ability to give me an early indication of the need to visit the bathroom is getting less and less. The thought of having to do battle with a seven lever deadlock as well as some braces and fly buttons, fills me with dread and may well fill my trousers with worse.
Sex God
Misschief!
i think you'll find that dragging up any old bollox up from another thread technically constitutes a hijack, which clearly you're not allowed to do, so i'll be emailing mark to grass you up ASAP. that you've also blatantly ripped the piss out of me and dave is neither here or there!
and if you think i'm so old and short-sighted that i can't read that tiny text, well there are ways and means you know . . . . .
neil x x x x ;-)
i think you'll find that dragging up any old bollox up from another thread technically constitutes a hijack, which clearly you're not allowed to do, so i'll be emailing mark to grass you up ASAP. that you've also blatantly ripped the piss out of me and dave is neither here or there!
and if you think i'm so old and short-sighted that i can't read that tiny text, well there are ways and means you know . . . . .
neil x x x x ;-)
Sex God
oooooo have ya noticed. one more post of misschief and she's in double goddess territory!
n x x x ;-)
n x x x ;-)
Quote by neilinleeds
oooooo have ya noticed. one more post of misschief and she's in double goddess territory!
Oh you bastard!!!!!! You only said that to shut me up!!!!!!!!! Stopped me dead in me tracks that did!!!!
Quote by neilinleeds
i think you'll find that dragging up any old bollox up from another thread technically constitutes a hijack, which clearly you're not allowed to do, so i'll be emailing mark to grass you up ASAP. that you've also blatantly ripped the piss out of me and dave is neither here or there!
Well I can't think of a better way to use my 2000th post than to smack Neils arse very very hard
:smackbottom: :smackbottom: Pots n black kettles all over the place! You you you hijacker you!! I've been dying to say this to someone. It always looks so menacing when I see other people put it in an argument thread, so here goes ......................................
You have a PM
Ha! take that, how scared are you now
scary words eh eh! :twisted: :twisted: You alright there Dave hunny? You look a bit paned!!!! ROFL at my own joke
(took me a minute to realise I had cracked one! omg cracked one ROFL again :rotflmao: ) Maybe you should've gone for a more arched window with no sharp corners on? Sort of giant suppository shaped? Sex God
Misschief........congratulations on hitting the two thousand and in the words of someone who's name escapes me at the moment......
BLUDDY WELL DONE
BLUDDY WELL DONE
Sex God
Quote by neilinleeds
madder than a box of frogs maybe, but idiots, no!
I was only wondering today about the lack of commnication regarding the "Box of Frogs Club" whats the latest news????
