And all because the lady wanted a new Avatar!
Cracking bit of verse Arti! Well done..
Fred
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FredFlintstone
Over 90 days ago
Straight Male, 62
Bisexual Female, 58
UK
Forum
I have to say - we feel the same about Xmas cards to each other as well.
It is very easy to buy a super card with a super gooey message in it. Some years ago we set a challeng to one another - buy the best card you can get for under a quid. This made us work at finding something nice. We had to look around and read lots of naff cards to find a good one. We sometimes even made mistakes - well - Wilma did and bought me a card which said "To a very special" and "Husband" in large print - and in between a line of small print saying "daughter and her"....... So now we sometimes buy inappropriate cards just for the laugh.
It is always the thought that counts. Buying a £10 card in a big box is easy - set yourself a real challenge - try and buy a really nice one for less than a quid - winner gets a sexual pleasure of their choice. (We never have a draw - there is always one card better than the other!) Anything over a quid and it is disqualified.
It puts the thought back into it and takes the commercialism out of it!
Oh - and never buy her flowers - it is the wrong message.....
"I am giving you something which is dying to remind you of our relationship!"
:roll: What sort of a message is that FFS!
WHAT? :shock:
I have used that excuse for 14 years - works for me!!!
ops: :oops:
Fred*Hoping Wilma does not read the thread!*
It is very easy to buy a super card with a super gooey message in it. Some years ago we set a challeng to one another - buy the best card you can get for under a quid. This made us work at finding something nice. We had to look around and read lots of naff cards to find a good one. We sometimes even made mistakes - well - Wilma did and bought me a card which said "To a very special" and "Husband" in large print - and in between a line of small print saying "daughter and her"....... So now we sometimes buy inappropriate cards just for the laugh.
It is always the thought that counts. Buying a £10 card in a big box is easy - set yourself a real challenge - try and buy a really nice one for less than a quid - winner gets a sexual pleasure of their choice. (We never have a draw - there is always one card better than the other!) Anything over a quid and it is disqualified.
It puts the thought back into it and takes the commercialism out of it!
Oh - and never buy her flowers - it is the wrong message.....
"I am giving you something which is dying to remind you of our relationship!"
:roll: What sort of a message is that FFS!WHAT? :shock:
I have used that excuse for 14 years - works for me!!!
ops: :oops: Fred*Hoping Wilma does not read the thread!*
:x :x*slaps hands together with a smirk of smug statisfaction*
Right!
Thats taken care of that!
I said I forgive you - I still think you are a Twat!
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao:
WHAT? :shock:
Oh - cummon - he asked for that - fancy asking Will to go off on one! :roll:
Right!
Thats taken care of that!
Quote by BassDude
So, to you two and everyone else who doesn't think I'm a complete twat....
I said I forgive you - I still think you are a Twat!
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: WHAT? :shock:
Oh - cummon - he asked for that - fancy asking Will to go off on one!
:roll: Quote by gmanxxx
Dear all ...
I apologise before hand... am starting to get used to it.. get it in early ( sorry F but this one got my goat) impudent youth.... please smile benevolently!!!!
:rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: :rotflmao: Go Tiger!
Actually - i said this in another thread before - don't you wish you could meet the person you lost your virginity to just to show them how good you have become?
In your case I'll make an exception IYMBE - you cannot possibly have got better with age! If so you must have been a real brat as a kid!
I am 40 - I lust after a 24 year old - she is very accomodating and seems to lust after a 40 year old as well - funny that! - WOW! :wink:
I havn't lusted more as I have got older - I have just got more sensual with experience!
:roll: :roll: :roll: Fred
Oh - and another thing.....
I hate trying to keep a straight face when Will is prancing round in his tights and frills before a fight.
I love Sappho, Kit, Jags, Jas, Bluexxx, Blueeyes, Dawn, Free Range Chick and anyone else that would do me harm if i don't say that.... :? :?
I hate pandering to sensitive women and having to PRETEND I am scared of them! :roll:
I hate it when I realise I have had a sense of humour bypass and I have taken something the wrong way ops: :oops:
I hate it when Sappho goes off on one of her flowery words type postings making me feel like a puffalump with my farmyard English!
I can't read - and I can't write - but I can drive a tractor!
I hate Will's soapbox - it is far too high for me to alude to being able to climb on it and practice a little alliteration.
I love finding a spelling mistake in a posting of Will's JUST after he has got off his soapbox about spelling:
I love the fact that I am going to get such a slapping for all this now!
Fred
I hate trying to keep a straight face when Will is prancing round in his tights and frills before a fight.
I love Sappho, Kit, Jags, Jas, Bluexxx, Blueeyes, Dawn, Free Range Chick and anyone else that would do me harm if i don't say that....
:? :? I hate pandering to sensitive women and having to PRETEND I am scared of them!
:roll: I hate it when I realise I have had a sense of humour bypass and I have taken something the wrong way
ops: :oops: I hate it when Sappho goes off on one of her flowery words type postings making me feel like a puffalump with my farmyard English!
I can't read - and I can't write - but I can drive a tractor!
I hate Will's soapbox - it is far too high for me to alude to being able to climb on it and practice a little alliteration.
I love finding a spelling mistake in a posting of Will's JUST after he has got off his soapbox about spelling:
Cruelty and/or rudeness. I hope I am never quilty of that.It almost makes me think he is human after all!
I love the fact that I am going to get such a slapping for all this now!
Fred
You called darling Sappho?
Oh - just the link!
Ok! :cry:
http://www.swingingheaven.co.uk/swingers-forum/viewtopic/4614.html
*stumbles off muttering "these girlies only want me for one thing"*
Dream on about the GFZ LadyWA - Bring it on! :twisted:
Oh - can i clarify a point - is the measurement of the cock from the top or the arse?
Reminds me of a joke:
"Mum, What's a cock?"
It's the thing that dangles between a man's legs"
"I see - what's a c*nt?"
"It's the rest of him!"
Oh - just the link!
Ok! :cry:
http://www.swingingheaven.co.uk/swingers-forum/viewtopic/4614.html
*stumbles off muttering "these girlies only want me for one thing"*
Dream on about the GFZ LadyWA - Bring it on! :twisted:
Oh - can i clarify a point - is the measurement of the cock from the top or the arse?
Reminds me of a joke:
"Mum, What's a cock?"
It's the thing that dangles between a man's legs"
"I see - what's a c*nt?"
"It's the rest of him!"
I Love
I love diversity....
I love the fact that in the main people are not judgemental
I love Wilma's Avatar (She made me say that!)
I love heated debates where conflicting views are expressed ut in an adult way without people getting personal
I love Fran (She made me say that!)
I love the fact that Jags leaves things unsaid:
I love the friendship and bonding - YES EVEN YOU BASSDUDE!
I love the fact you can cock up - apologise and move on as friends
I love the fact that you take the piss - be taken the piss out of - and if it is all meant in the right way it is great fun
I Hate
I HATE people being rude!
I hate threads being hijacked and going on forever
I hate it when the girls invade the GFZ and never leave us men to get away from it - go shopping FFS!
I hate it when people have to win every fight - sometimes you roll over and play dead just to see the merriment it causes when it seems out of character
I hate anyone discussing illegal activities
I hate it when so many threads have the same content - perhaps like the GFZ there should be a new joke thread every week and all jokes are posted in there?
I hate swinging every weekend and having to catch up on all the postings in the forum on a Sunday evening (Believe that and you will believe anything!)
I am beginning to hate the way Mark Dances:
Oh - I HATE THE PEACH AIR FRESHNER AND THE DOILIES IN THE GFZ!
Phew!
Fred
I love diversity....
I love the fact that in the main people are not judgemental
I love Wilma's Avatar (She made me say that!)
I love heated debates where conflicting views are expressed ut in an adult way without people getting personal
I love Fran (She made me say that!)
I love the fact that Jags leaves things unsaid:
Those who expect others to fall at their feet just cosWHAT?
I love the friendship and bonding - YES EVEN YOU BASSDUDE!
I love the fact you can cock up - apologise and move on as friends
I love the fact that you take the piss - be taken the piss out of - and if it is all meant in the right way it is great fun
I Hate
I HATE people being rude!
I hate threads being hijacked and going on forever
I hate it when the girls invade the GFZ and never leave us men to get away from it - go shopping FFS!
I hate it when people have to win every fight - sometimes you roll over and play dead just to see the merriment it causes when it seems out of character
I hate anyone discussing illegal activities
I hate it when so many threads have the same content - perhaps like the GFZ there should be a new joke thread every week and all jokes are posted in there?
I hate swinging every weekend and having to catch up on all the postings in the forum on a Sunday evening (Believe that and you will believe anything!)
I am beginning to hate the way Mark Dances:
In that case, stand back baby, I need to grooooove
Oh - I HATE THE PEACH AIR FRESHNER AND THE DOILIES IN THE GFZ!
Phew!
Fred
Well...
We say we will talk to anyone - but even then we do have standards and have to say that OneOfTheDamned falls well below them!
Hahahahahahahaha!
Ok!
Ok!
I Didn't mean it OOTD - and you know it! :roll: :roll:
Actually - we did meet you at the munch and it was a real pleasure. Some people stand out and you are one of them - listen to everyone here mate - they are the important ones - the others are just a bunch of idiots. Never lower yourself to their standard as they will then play you at their own game and beat you! :?
Hang in there mate - you should rise above them (and me!) :wink:
All the best
Fred
We say we will talk to anyone - but even then we do have standards and have to say that OneOfTheDamned falls well below them!
Hahahahahahahaha!
Ok!
Ok!
I Didn't mean it OOTD - and you know it!
:roll: :roll: Actually - we did meet you at the munch and it was a real pleasure. Some people stand out and you are one of them - listen to everyone here mate - they are the important ones - the others are just a bunch of idiots. Never lower yourself to their standard as they will then play you at their own game and beat you!
:? Hang in there mate - you should rise above them (and me!) :wink:
All the best
Fred
TEACHING MATH THROUGH THE YEARS
Teaching Math in 1950: A forester sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1960: A forester sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or £80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1970: A forester exchanges a set "L" of timber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one pound. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set "C," the cost of production, contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" for profits?
Teaching Math in 1980: A forester sells a truckload of timber for £100. Her cost of production is £80 and her profit is £20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math in 1985: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the forester makes £20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the forester cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.
Teaching Math in 1990: By laying off 40% of its foresters, a company improves its stock price from £80 to £100. How much capital gain per share does the MD make by exercising his stock options at £80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.
Teaching Math in 1995: A company out-sources all of its foresters. The firm saves on benefits, and when demand for its product is down, the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average forester employed by the company earned £30,000, had four weeks holiday, a pension and medical insurance. The contracted forester charges £30 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?
Teaching Math in 2000: A laid-off forester with four kids at home and a ridiculous settlement from his first failed marriage comes into the forestry-company head office and goes wappy, mowing down 16 executives and a couple of secretaries. He gets lucky when he nails a politician on the premises collecting his kickback. Was outsourcing the foresters a good move for the company?
Teaching Math in 2004: A laid-off forester serving time in Broadmoor for blowing away several people is being trained as a VISUAL C programmer in order to work on Prison IT Security projects. What is the probability that their systems will become infected with a virus that just happens to cause the automatic cell doors to open on their own as of 00:01, 01/01/05?
Teaching Math in 1950: A forester sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1960: A forester sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or £80. What is his profit?
Teaching Math in 1970: A forester exchanges a set "L" of timber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one pound. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set "C," the cost of production, contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" for profits?
Teaching Math in 1980: A forester sells a truckload of timber for £100. Her cost of production is £80 and her profit is £20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
Teaching Math in 1985: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the forester makes £20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the forester cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.
Teaching Math in 1990: By laying off 40% of its foresters, a company improves its stock price from £80 to £100. How much capital gain per share does the MD make by exercising his stock options at £80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.
Teaching Math in 1995: A company out-sources all of its foresters. The firm saves on benefits, and when demand for its product is down, the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average forester employed by the company earned £30,000, had four weeks holiday, a pension and medical insurance. The contracted forester charges £30 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?
Teaching Math in 2000: A laid-off forester with four kids at home and a ridiculous settlement from his first failed marriage comes into the forestry-company head office and goes wappy, mowing down 16 executives and a couple of secretaries. He gets lucky when he nails a politician on the premises collecting his kickback. Was outsourcing the foresters a good move for the company?
Teaching Math in 2004: A laid-off forester serving time in Broadmoor for blowing away several people is being trained as a VISUAL C programmer in order to work on Prison IT Security projects. What is the probability that their systems will become infected with a virus that just happens to cause the automatic cell doors to open on their own as of 00:01, 01/01/05?
Oh Dear!
Children these days huh?
What do you do with them?
Dear Mum and Dad:
It has now been three months since I left for Uni. I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down.
YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN. OKAY!
Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only get those sick headaches once a day.
Fortunately a 1 star waiter at the Burger place nearby witnessed the fire in the dormitory and my jump, and he was the one who called the fire brigade and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and since I had nowhere to live, because of the burned out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his flat with him. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to be married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.
Yes, Mum and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection, and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I get daily.
I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your often-expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin colour is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good too, for I am told that his father is an important gun-bearer in the village in Africa from which he came.
Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged. I do not have syphilis and there is no man (of any colour) in my life. However, I am getting a 'D' in History and an 'F' in Science and I wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective.
Yours
Your Loving Daughter
Children these days huh?
What do you do with them?
The One Minute Marriage Counselling Primer . . .
The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. -- Ann Bancroft
Any husband who says. "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. -- Bill Cosby
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. -- Benjamin Franklin
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. -- Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -- Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. -- Milton Berle
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- George Burns
When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. -- Elaine Boosler
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburettor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake." -- Henny Youngman
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. -- Phyllis Diller
My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping. -- Rita Rudner
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. -- Henny Youngman
People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my
husband for not being Paul Newman. -- Erma Bombeck
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you. "The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful
The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. -- Ann Bancroft
Any husband who says. "My wife and I are completely equal partners," is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. -- Bill Cosby
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. -- Benjamin Franklin
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. -- Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -- Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. -- Milton Berle
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- George Burns
When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. -- Elaine Boosler
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburettor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake." -- Henny Youngman
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. -- Phyllis Diller
My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping. -- Rita Rudner
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. -- Henny Youngman
People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my
husband for not being Paul Newman. -- Erma Bombeck
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you. "The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful
