A bus full of nuns crashes over a cliff, and sadly they all die. Moments later they are queueing at the pearly gates when Saint Peter appears...
Ladies welcome to heaven he says, you are all welcome, but first one simple question.
He turns to the first nun and asks "My child have you ever touched a penis?"
"No" she replies, "You may enter" says he.
To the next he turns and asks the same question.
"Yes" she replies "With my left hand"
"Oh my child bathe your hand in the bowl of holy water and say 10 hail Mary's"
He asks the next one the same question
"Yes with both hands"
"Oh dear my child bathe both hands and say 20 hail Mary's"
There is a commotion amongst the nuns and all of a sudden Old sister Joan pushes to the front.
"My child what is the hurry" enquires Saint Peter
"Well" says sister Joan
"Forgive for I have sinned and touched a penis, but if I have to gargle with that stuff I wanna do it before Sister Ann washes her arse in it!"
sorry but I liked it :P
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MandH
Over 90 days ago
Straight Male, 72
Straight Female, 65
0 miles · Bedfordshire
Forum
Debs hun, the day you have to give up because of lack of interest from anyone will be the day hell freezes over Well I guess it's all down to the individual. I am no spring chicken myself but my partner H is a good few years younger. We have never been to a club, and apart from the fact that we are very new to this, I think it's more to do with how I would feel rather than her, so yes I personally might feel that I was getting on compared to others there, but like I said we have not plucked up the courage to go to a club yet, and if we did we could find that we thouroughly enjoy it.
If you're talking just about swinging, then I guess the time to stop is when you can't manage it any more. If we meet people socially and they like us, then hey why not.
M
If you're talking just about swinging, then I guess the time to stop is when you can't manage it any more. If we meet people socially and they like us, then hey why not.
M
Quote by Kniphofia
I don't want to go either..... but what a damn rude bunch of people.
I don't think that anybody is trying to be rude Knip, but the fact is the guy has made very few posts in the time he has been a member, and is probably not known to too many others, so understandably people are being a bit cagey.
Tallin Estonia, nice place with lots of very beautiful women
M
Ahh NC we hope you have had a good holiday. We may be in need of some cleaning services, as we have been very busy of late providing silver service dinners for errant truck drivers parked in laybys in the middle of nowhere (see thread on LMU :grin
.. so once again hope the holiday was all that was promised and more, and that you are feeling fit and revived :grin: :grin: :grin:
M & H
.. so once again hope the holiday was all that was promised and more, and that you are feeling fit and revived :grin: :grin: :grin:M & H
Quote by teppic
i experiance this every time my 3 year old daughter has been naughty, she just turns and smiles that smile, and i too just melt.
Uhoh.......... and when she's sixteen she'll have you eating out of her hand....... unpaid chauffer and money source :grin: :grin: :grin:
Join the club it happens to us all
Quote by teppic
craneflies maybe the suicide kings of the insect world, but i nominate rabbits as the mammal equivilant, driving along at night, they hop into the middle of the road, they then turn and stare into your headlights, waving their ears, as if to say "here i am", no effort to run away, .......then the sickening thud/crunch........ :shock:
And it's pheasants in the bird world....... they see you coming and then try and outrun you... yeah right mr pheasant you just keep running down the road in front of me and I'm sure I will be able to miss you
Oh and seeings this is a sort of thread hijack (sorry), H has just asked, where do birds go to die (other than under my van!) cos you never see them falling from the sky or lying on your garden....
M
PS where how would I like to die............ underneath H as she shags me brains out :grin: cos she is the love of my life and I can't think of any other image I would like to take to eternity with me
Quote by DreamerHelen
Now before all of you start on me, this does NOT mean I'm buying all the drinks at the Yorkshire Munch
And for those that don't know, a Bursary is a payment that some University students get (like Nursing students, like me).....and it is like a Grant, so it's money that doesn't have to be paid back.....
Well if you have been given this as a grant and not a loan, I think you SHOULD buy ME a drink if we ever meet................. but I will buy you 10 in return
Good luck with uni !
M
OK being a male dumbass, I always assumed/thought that a woman would know how to turn another woman on in ways that men have to work hard to master...... seems like I'm wrong.
If you was with your regular partner and he/she was a bit rough you would say something, and they would alter the way they did things to you. Personally if I was with another woman and she said ouch or whatever, I'd not leap off but instead change what i did to suit her, I thought everyone was like this............. obviously not, very interesting
Should you fake?, well personally I would prefer people not to fake, If i don't turn them on enough then I am sorry, but I ain't comfortable with faking
M
If you was with your regular partner and he/she was a bit rough you would say something, and they would alter the way they did things to you. Personally if I was with another woman and she said ouch or whatever, I'd not leap off but instead change what i did to suit her, I thought everyone was like this............. obviously not, very interesting
Should you fake?, well personally I would prefer people not to fake, If i don't turn them on enough then I am sorry, but I ain't comfortable with faking
M
I thnk Steph has got it right. For us we like to socialise and then be in private with the person or people we choose to be with. We've thought about clubs and whilst H would probably be up for that with little or no reservations, it is me who (at the moment at least) has all the reservations about the club scene, particularly as we are still very very new to all this.
So it's all down to how you feel really.
M
So it's all down to how you feel really.
M
Quote by GenHertsCpl
Wood Green! I grew up round there, cant begin to imagine where it is or what its like thou
Torture Garden I can recommend thou :twisted:
Now when I were a boy I grew up in Hornsey, and I do remember that on the road between Alexandra Palace and Wood Green was a private club. In the late 60's I was told this was the place to go for late night drinkies and general debauchery. I wonder if this is the place. I think it was near the Alexandra Park rail station in Bedford Road, think in those days it was called the Bedford Club.... how original.
Maybe this dump has survived all these years and is the said venue.
Quote by naughtynymphos1
Nah i don't think there's such thing as a swingers gene, its just sometghing i do when it takes my fancy, i find we go thro fads, someone times we go months having meets, going to clubs and parties two and three times a week, then we can go months without do anything at all, i find if you meet to regular it becomes the norm and that becomes boring, i went thro a phase where i was meeting so regular i really was getting bored with it and while i'd be getting ready i would be thinking "i really can't be arsed to go out tonight"so now when that happens i take time out and leave it a few months till i fancy meeting again.
For what it's worth I think NN has got it right. It's not a gene, it's not about having a high sex drive (I know plenty of non-swingers with extremely high sex drives that have no interest in swinging) It's about The fun, excitement, newness of sex with someone other than your regular partner, especially when your partner is involved. Or to put it another way doing something different.
If we swung everytime we fancied sex it would soon lose it's appeal and that would be that. For us, it's like a fine wine or good Brandy, enjoy it occassionally and savour it.
M
Try this.............
At the top of the Internet Explorer tool bar, select "Tools" then "Internet Options". In the new window that opens, press the "Delete Cookies" button. Press the "Apply" button then press "OK".
Close Internet Explorer then open it again and go to the SH site. Provided everything else is ok this should download a new cookie that should make everything work.
If this don't work, troll around and see if you can pull a computer geek :grin:
M
At the top of the Internet Explorer tool bar, select "Tools" then "Internet Options". In the new window that opens, press the "Delete Cookies" button. Press the "Apply" button then press "OK".
Close Internet Explorer then open it again and go to the SH site. Provided everything else is ok this should download a new cookie that should make everything work.
If this don't work, troll around and see if you can pull a computer geek :grin:
M
Quote by Ricci79
Happy birthday!
Mine's coming up in NOvember - BIG 2 and 6
My saucy present would be my mum bought me porn video when i was 16...
No seriously, my mum pretty open minded with things so I ve buggered her to buy me some porn videos and she refused cos she wanted to wind me up!
However when i reached aged of 16 and my mum gave me one porn video - very 70s style! Nice(!) However it was so great but the embarrassing part is she gave me in front of family - even in front of my great aunt...
Auntie Vi asked what was it...mum said its part of 70s fashion show with models etc..
Here;s my stange saucy present but true!
Well I hope you just mispelled buggered and didn't actually do it Ricci :grin:
And to answer the question One whole hour to myself in a 747 Flight simulator at Cranebrook near Heathrow airport......... yeah I know I'm an anorak :eeek:
Happy birthday Kaz!!!!! hope it's been a goodun
Good evening Mr ES, your in luck! We've had a cancellation this evening, and was wondering what to do with all the food we've purchased/prepared...... One problem though we were booked to do the old duffers and sad gits annual get together but the last duffer died and the sad gits have decided to stay at home as a mark of respect. Menu choice will therefore be limited to the following............
Starters
Grilled Goats Cheese on a Tomato Salad with a Basil Dressing
Mousse of Smoked Trout flavoured with Horseradish encased in Smoked Salmon
Ballontine of Duck Confit and Caramelised Apples set with Fois Gras Butter
Duet of Melon with Compote of Berries
With refreshing Water Ice and Cointreau Syrup
* * * * * * *
Soup
Cream of Smoked Haddock, Leek and Potato
Velouté of White Onion, Finished with Truffle Oil
Cream of Carrot and Cumin
Roast Tomato and Pepper finished with Basil
* * * * * * *
Fish
Grilled Paupiette of Sole Fillets on a fine Julienne of Seasonal Vegetables
Glazed with a Chive Butter
Salmon Oven Roasted under a Pesto Crust with a Confit of Shallots and Cherry Tomatoes
Local Smoked Haddock on a Spring Onion Mash and a Grain Mustard Sauce
Roast Codling with a Cheese and Herb Crust
* * * * * * *
Roasts
Roast Rib of Local Beef accompanied by Yorkshire pudding and Madeira jus
Roast Saddle of Perthshire Black Faced Lamb filled with Lemon and Mint Stuffing
* * * * * * *
Mains
Pan Fried Chicken Supreme filled with Creamed Leeks on Fondant Potato
With a Smoked Bacon and Chive Sauce
Corn Fed Chicken on a Roasted Mediterranean Vegetable Gateau
With a Basil Cream
Duet of Perthshire Lamb Cutlets accompanied by
Boulangere Potatoes and a Mint and Redcurrant Glaze
* * * * * * *
Desserts
Warm Apple Flan with Real Vanilla Ice Cream
Rich Chocolate and Orange Truffle oil
Summer Fruit Pudding Terrine
Traditional Sticky Toffee Pudding with a Butterscotch Sauce
White Chocolate and Orange Mousse Cake
Selection of Scottish Cheeses with Oatcakes
The above will be served following the time honoured procedures of Silver Service
Of course we are assuming that there would possibly be other truck drivers also stopped in the said lay-by with you for whom we will be happy to cater, and should the need arise We could perhaps lay on some congenial entertainment
Kindest regards
M & H
Starters
Grilled Goats Cheese on a Tomato Salad with a Basil Dressing
Mousse of Smoked Trout flavoured with Horseradish encased in Smoked Salmon
Ballontine of Duck Confit and Caramelised Apples set with Fois Gras Butter
Duet of Melon with Compote of Berries
With refreshing Water Ice and Cointreau Syrup
* * * * * * *
Soup
Cream of Smoked Haddock, Leek and Potato
Velouté of White Onion, Finished with Truffle Oil
Cream of Carrot and Cumin
Roast Tomato and Pepper finished with Basil
* * * * * * *
Fish
Grilled Paupiette of Sole Fillets on a fine Julienne of Seasonal Vegetables
Glazed with a Chive Butter
Salmon Oven Roasted under a Pesto Crust with a Confit of Shallots and Cherry Tomatoes
Local Smoked Haddock on a Spring Onion Mash and a Grain Mustard Sauce
Roast Codling with a Cheese and Herb Crust
* * * * * * *
Roasts
Roast Rib of Local Beef accompanied by Yorkshire pudding and Madeira jus
Roast Saddle of Perthshire Black Faced Lamb filled with Lemon and Mint Stuffing
* * * * * * *
Mains
Pan Fried Chicken Supreme filled with Creamed Leeks on Fondant Potato
With a Smoked Bacon and Chive Sauce
Corn Fed Chicken on a Roasted Mediterranean Vegetable Gateau
With a Basil Cream
Duet of Perthshire Lamb Cutlets accompanied by
Boulangere Potatoes and a Mint and Redcurrant Glaze
* * * * * * *
Desserts
Warm Apple Flan with Real Vanilla Ice Cream
Rich Chocolate and Orange Truffle oil
Summer Fruit Pudding Terrine
Traditional Sticky Toffee Pudding with a Butterscotch Sauce
White Chocolate and Orange Mousse Cake
Selection of Scottish Cheeses with Oatcakes
The above will be served following the time honoured procedures of Silver Service
Of course we are assuming that there would possibly be other truck drivers also stopped in the said lay-by with you for whom we will be happy to cater, and should the need arise We could perhaps lay on some congenial entertainment
Kindest regards
M & H
:grin: