Marine biologists never make mistakes on porpoise
If a lawyer speaks for too long there will be an extended sentence.
To become a pilot requires a good altitude.
Tailors needle little something to catch the thread of a conversation.
Are you willing Tibet I've never seen a yak?
After he carried a gun in his car, the engine was soon shot.
Some bankers are generous to a vault.
Luggage made of snakeskin is ex-hiss baggage.
Those who find bargain antiques like to junk for joy.
When tires are up it's due to inflation.
Sports are refereed by people of many stripes.
What would happen if Star Wars was set in Glasgow. Chewbacca would look roughly the same except he'd only be about 5ft tall, from Blackhill and called Shug. He'd have the same amount of body hair but would also have tattoos, would permanently smell of drink and invariably sport a Rangers top.
Obi-Wan Knobby would invariably be referred to as Chief or Big Yin by his cohorts.
People trying to start a fight with him would address him as Wanky-Nobby. Darth Vader would referred to as 'Auld Helmet Heid' or in moments of stress 'That Dome-Heided Basturd' R2D2 would refuse to go out on the streets after 10pm because of the number of drunks who would try to stuff chip papers in his head casing or piss on him. He would also refuse to go near groups of wee boys at any time because of the high risk of being spray painted, dumped in front of a speeding train or set on fire.
Although proficient in over 3500 languages C3P0 would still be unable to understand
anything anyone from the East End of Glasgow said. He would regularly get beaten up for being a 'greetin-faced poof fae Milngavie'. The Millenium Falcon would have static strips, tinted windscreens and extra-flared exhaust ports. It would have a Daily Record 'I Love Scotland' sticker in the back window and a saltire bumper sticker.
Princess Leia would get captured by Darth Vader because it's hard to run very fast when you're wearing 5 inch platform heels and a tiny silver mini-skirt which keeps hiking up over your arse every two steps, and you've been a heavy smoker since you were 6. The best way to destroy the Death Star would not necessarily be a desperate all out attack. Two easy ways would be -alter its orbit so it passed through Bridgeton and tell the locals it was full of kafflicks - leave it unattended in Easterhouse.
Lines from the film as they would be uttered in the vernacular
Han Solo
Original, "I've got a real bad feeling about this"
Translation, "Ah'm shitin' ma sel' here boy"
Orig: "Bring 'em on! I prefer a straight fight to all this sneaking around."
Trans: "Come right ahead then cyents! Fight the fecking lot o ye!"
Orig: "There's no mystical energy field controls my destiny."
Trans: "The Force?!! D'youse think ah came doon wi the rain?!"
Orig: "Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid."
Trans: "Nae messin aboot wi the god squad and auld rubbish, wee man. Get yersel' a decent shooter"
Darth Vader trying to shoot down Luke Skywalker
Orig: "The Force is strong in this one"
Trans: "Stop shooglin' ya wee b*stad!"
Princess Leia
Orig: "You're a little short for a Stormtrooper aren't you? "
Trans: "Ah didny think they took short-erses in the polis?"
Orig: "This bucket of bolts is never going to get us past that blockade."
Trans: "Wuv goat NAE chance in this pile o' sh*te"
Admiral Motti
Orig: "Don't try to frighten us with your sorcerer's ways, Lord Vader."
Trans: "You think you're that hard, Vader so ye do. Well we're no feart ae you!"
Obi Wan
Orig: "I felt a great disturbance in the Force."
Trans: " F*** me! whit wiz aw that?"
Luke to the Emperor
Orig: "Your overconfidence is your weakness."
Trans: "Oh ye bloody think so?, i'll make you feel the f***ing force pal!!"
Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.
If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Caravan.
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious.
I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...
Necrophillia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That
Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He IsLost?
GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
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Please close the door behind you.
don't scare me like that!
