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Witchy
Over 90 days ago
Bisexual Female, 56
UK
Forum
He's not God! I can prove it. 
An amusing tale, concerning said Pontiff.
A young chap I was training with kicked like a donkey. No one apart from me was mad enough to hold pads while he kicked them. He came in one night, and made a beeline for me. I knew what was coming, so I said "I suppose you want me to hold your pads for you?"
In his reply, he got his euphamisms a little mixed up.
"Does the Pope shit in the woods?"
It's now passed into common usage in these parts- so should you hear me/us say it, it's not an indicator of our madness
An amusing tale, concerning said Pontiff.
A young chap I was training with kicked like a donkey. No one apart from me was mad enough to hold pads while he kicked them. He came in one night, and made a beeline for me. I knew what was coming, so I said "I suppose you want me to hold your pads for you?"
In his reply, he got his euphamisms a little mixed up.
"Does the Pope shit in the woods?"
It's now passed into common usage in these parts- so should you hear me/us say it, it's not an indicator of our madness
Res, the reason you can't remember is simple. You were transported here by WWWoden, the stuttering God of the internet.
He saw a floundering forum, and sent one of his best viruses down the cable from the Bill Gates of heaven in a Trojan Worm to revitalise it.
That virus was you. In order for it to work, he had to erase your memory and invent a life for you. The knowledge that in reality, you only exist in Binary Code would have traumatised you & rendered you unable to revitalise the forum.
But now you know. There is now a risk that you will dissapear up your own cache. However, if you are prepared to remain a mortal, trapped here forever, you can. Be warned, once you complete this process you will be unable to get back through the Firewall to the Pearly Bill Gates.
In order to remain human, complete the following process:
Reach into your trousers. Located centrally, in the pelvic region, you will find a protrusion. This is called your Google. Grasp your Google firmly with your right hand. You need to crank- or Toggle your Google back & forth repeatedly whilst repeating the phrase "I do believe in Splendid, I do, I do!" aloud.
After a few minutes, you will eject a substance which is Wiki in consistency. At this point, you will call upon the attention of your maker by shouting "Oh, God!" When examined under a microscope, you can see that the substance consists of a random pattern of "0's" and "1's". You should aim the substance through your Windows, which will indicate to your maker that you wish to remain in human form.
You will log onto SH, and find the message "Error 401" This is your confirmation that the process is complete.
After all, to err is human.
He saw a floundering forum, and sent one of his best viruses down the cable from the Bill Gates of heaven in a Trojan Worm to revitalise it.
That virus was you. In order for it to work, he had to erase your memory and invent a life for you. The knowledge that in reality, you only exist in Binary Code would have traumatised you & rendered you unable to revitalise the forum.
But now you know. There is now a risk that you will dissapear up your own cache. However, if you are prepared to remain a mortal, trapped here forever, you can. Be warned, once you complete this process you will be unable to get back through the Firewall to the Pearly Bill Gates.
In order to remain human, complete the following process:
Reach into your trousers. Located centrally, in the pelvic region, you will find a protrusion. This is called your Google. Grasp your Google firmly with your right hand. You need to crank- or Toggle your Google back & forth repeatedly whilst repeating the phrase "I do believe in Splendid, I do, I do!" aloud.
After a few minutes, you will eject a substance which is Wiki in consistency. At this point, you will call upon the attention of your maker by shouting "Oh, God!" When examined under a microscope, you can see that the substance consists of a random pattern of "0's" and "1's". You should aim the substance through your Windows, which will indicate to your maker that you wish to remain in human form.
You will log onto SH, and find the message "Error 401" This is your confirmation that the process is complete.
After all, to err is human.
From I think one of the best modern lyricists of our time. The late great Kirsty MaColl, such a sharp, witty observer of humanity.
From A New England
"I loved you then as I love you still
Though I put you on a pedestal you put me on the pill
I don't feel bad about letting you go
I just feel sad about letting you know
Once upon a time at home
I sat beside the telephone
Waiting for someone to pull me through
When at last it didn't ring I knew it wasn't you "
The beyond brilliant Sonny Jim:
"Some boys with warm beds and cold, cold hearts
Can make you feel nothing at all
They'll never remember and they'll never mind
If you're counting the cracks in the wall
They're quick and they're greedy
They never feel guilty
They don't know the meaning of hurt
The boots just go back on
The socks that had stayed on
The next time they see you
They treat you like dirt
The next time they treat you like dirt
Now don't come the cowboy with me Sonny Jim
I know lots of those and you're not one of them
There's a light in your eyes tells me somebody's in
And you won't come the cowboy with me
Don't be too rough on my cold, cold heart
It's all I've got left to me now
I fell out of favour with heaven somewhere
And I'm here for the hell of it now
Some girls play cowboys
And some boys play harder to get
But they're got just the same
They smile and say cheese
They're so eager to please
But they'll never remember your name
The names and the places all change
But don't come the cowboy with me Sonny Jim
I know lots of those and you're not one of them
There's a light in your eyes tells me somebody's in
And you won't come the cowboy with me
Did somebody tell you I'm lonely as hell?
I didn't expect you to know me so well
If I learned a lesson it's how to bounce back again
Sometimes I bounce off the wall
And sometimes my head hits the floor
So don't come the cowboy with me Sonny Jim
I know lots of those and you're not one of them
There's a light in your eyes tells me somebody's in
And you won't come the cowboy
Oh don't come the cowboy with me Sonny Jim
I know lots of those and you're not one of them
There's a light in your eyes tells me somebody's in
And you won't come the cowboy with me"
In these shoes:- reminds me of a few ladies here
"I once met a man with a sense of adventure
He was dressed to thrill wherever he went
He said "Let's make love on a mountain top
Under the stars on a big hard rock"
I said "In these shoes?
I don't think so"
I said "Honey, let's do it here."So I'm sitting at a bar in Guadalajara
In walks a guy with a faraway look in his eyes
He said "I've got as powerful horse outside
Climb on the back, I'll take you for a ride
I know a little place, we can get there for the break of day."
I said "In these shoes?
No way, Jose"
I said "Honey, let's stay right here."
No le gusta caminar. No puede montar a caballo
(She doesn't like to walk, she can't ride a horse)
Como se puede bailar? Es un escandolo
(But the way she dances, it's a scandal)
Then I met an Englishman
"Oh" he said
"Won't you walk up and down my spine,
It makes me feel strangely alive."
I said "In these shoes?
I doubt you'd survive."
I said "Honey, let's do it.
Let's stay right here."
No le gusta caminar. No puede montar a caballo
(She doesn't like to walk, she can't ride a horse)
Como se puede bailar? Es un escandolo
(But the way she dances, it's a scandal)"
And coz I'm boring you, finally the amazing
"Dear John"...written during her own marriage break up. The link is a performance by Eddie Reader- a real must hear:
"Oh dear John
I hate to be the one to break the news
But it's concerning me and you
This is the letter no-one ever wants to write
You may not believe me but it's the hardest thing I've ever done
My eyes see other glories
Other dreams and other stories
And I want to live before I die
Dear John
Ten years on
I still dream and we still hesitate
The passion's all but gone
Oh dear John
Seems we have a bad day every day
I want to sleep my life away
This is the letter no-one ever wants to read
And though it hurts like hell
It may be what you need to tell you
I never wanted to be cruel
But I'm so tired of being the strong one
And I don't always have the energy
And you always leave it up to me
Dear John
My eyes have seen the glory
There's more to life than my life story
And I'll probably never find him
But I have to keep on looking
And I'm very very sorry dear John"
From A New England
"I loved you then as I love you still
Though I put you on a pedestal you put me on the pill
I don't feel bad about letting you go
I just feel sad about letting you know
Once upon a time at home
I sat beside the telephone
Waiting for someone to pull me through
When at last it didn't ring I knew it wasn't you "
The beyond brilliant Sonny Jim:
"Some boys with warm beds and cold, cold hearts
Can make you feel nothing at all
They'll never remember and they'll never mind
If you're counting the cracks in the wall
They're quick and they're greedy
They never feel guilty
They don't know the meaning of hurt
The boots just go back on
The socks that had stayed on
The next time they see you
They treat you like dirt
The next time they treat you like dirt
Now don't come the cowboy with me Sonny Jim
I know lots of those and you're not one of them
There's a light in your eyes tells me somebody's in
And you won't come the cowboy with me
Don't be too rough on my cold, cold heart
It's all I've got left to me now
I fell out of favour with heaven somewhere
And I'm here for the hell of it now
Some girls play cowboys
And some boys play harder to get
But they're got just the same
They smile and say cheese
They're so eager to please
But they'll never remember your name
The names and the places all change
But don't come the cowboy with me Sonny Jim
I know lots of those and you're not one of them
There's a light in your eyes tells me somebody's in
And you won't come the cowboy with me
Did somebody tell you I'm lonely as hell?
I didn't expect you to know me so well
If I learned a lesson it's how to bounce back again
Sometimes I bounce off the wall
And sometimes my head hits the floor
So don't come the cowboy with me Sonny Jim
I know lots of those and you're not one of them
There's a light in your eyes tells me somebody's in
And you won't come the cowboy
Oh don't come the cowboy with me Sonny Jim
I know lots of those and you're not one of them
There's a light in your eyes tells me somebody's in
And you won't come the cowboy with me"
In these shoes:- reminds me of a few ladies here
"I once met a man with a sense of adventure
He was dressed to thrill wherever he went
He said "Let's make love on a mountain top
Under the stars on a big hard rock"
I said "In these shoes?
I don't think so"
I said "Honey, let's do it here."So I'm sitting at a bar in Guadalajara
In walks a guy with a faraway look in his eyes
He said "I've got as powerful horse outside
Climb on the back, I'll take you for a ride
I know a little place, we can get there for the break of day."
I said "In these shoes?
No way, Jose"
I said "Honey, let's stay right here."
No le gusta caminar. No puede montar a caballo
(She doesn't like to walk, she can't ride a horse)
Como se puede bailar? Es un escandolo
(But the way she dances, it's a scandal)
Then I met an Englishman
"Oh" he said
"Won't you walk up and down my spine,
It makes me feel strangely alive."
I said "In these shoes?
I doubt you'd survive."
I said "Honey, let's do it.
Let's stay right here."
No le gusta caminar. No puede montar a caballo
(She doesn't like to walk, she can't ride a horse)
Como se puede bailar? Es un escandolo
(But the way she dances, it's a scandal)"
And coz I'm boring you, finally the amazing
"Dear John"...written during her own marriage break up. The link is a performance by Eddie Reader- a real must hear:
"Oh dear John
I hate to be the one to break the news
But it's concerning me and you
This is the letter no-one ever wants to write
You may not believe me but it's the hardest thing I've ever done
My eyes see other glories
Other dreams and other stories
And I want to live before I die
Dear John
Ten years on
I still dream and we still hesitate
The passion's all but gone
Oh dear John
Seems we have a bad day every day
I want to sleep my life away
This is the letter no-one ever wants to read
And though it hurts like hell
It may be what you need to tell you
I never wanted to be cruel
But I'm so tired of being the strong one
And I don't always have the energy
And you always leave it up to me
Dear John
My eyes have seen the glory
There's more to life than my life story
And I'll probably never find him
But I have to keep on looking
And I'm very very sorry dear John"
And then there was the near diplomatic incident on Sarfend pier. Bear with me, this needs background...
A couple of summers ago, and I'm on a ship doing a bit of it's UK tour. It's crew night out, we split into two groups- one lot go for an Indian, I join the Chinese group. We had some youngsters with us. The skipper asked the waiter jovially if he "had a nappy" for one of the young lads, who was very wet behind the ears. Waiter misheard, and said "Oh yes, I very happy!"
Now, Skipper being Skipper & being half cut thought this was funnier than the Res & Boney show. The rest of the evening was spent listening to his saying "happy happy happy" in a Chinese accent.
A couple of days later, we arrived in Sarfend, and moored up the end of the mile and half pier. Two or three days into our stay, a few of us went into town to the pub. Several drinks later, at around midnight, we headed back to catch our specially laid on tram back down the pier.
Onto our packed,tiny carriage full of drunken sailors singing a song about Lobsters, an unsuspecting Chinese fisherman stepped. Skipper recalled the previous incident, and the "Happy happy" thing started up again. The poor young guy looked terribly embarrassed- and I was exchanging mortified looks with a young female deckie.
We got off the train at the end of the pier, and I stayed behind to make a phone call. As I finished my call, I saw the fisherman, and mustered up all my courage to go & speak to him- not knowing what kind of reception to expect.
Cringing- literally- with embarrassment, I approached him. I launched into a huge, groveling apology to try to put what had happened into context for the guy, and explain that it hadn't been meant in a racist manner.
He replied "sorry?"
So I did it all over again. But this time, I was redder, and even more groveling. I waffled on for what seemed like a lifetime.
He looked at me and said
"I sorry, I deaf"
You should have heard the fucking language...
:doh:A
A couple of summers ago, and I'm on a ship doing a bit of it's UK tour. It's crew night out, we split into two groups- one lot go for an Indian, I join the Chinese group. We had some youngsters with us. The skipper asked the waiter jovially if he "had a nappy" for one of the young lads, who was very wet behind the ears. Waiter misheard, and said "Oh yes, I very happy!"
Now, Skipper being Skipper & being half cut thought this was funnier than the Res & Boney show. The rest of the evening was spent listening to his saying "happy happy happy" in a Chinese accent.
A couple of days later, we arrived in Sarfend, and moored up the end of the mile and half pier. Two or three days into our stay, a few of us went into town to the pub. Several drinks later, at around midnight, we headed back to catch our specially laid on tram back down the pier.
Onto our packed,tiny carriage full of drunken sailors singing a song about Lobsters, an unsuspecting Chinese fisherman stepped. Skipper recalled the previous incident, and the "Happy happy" thing started up again. The poor young guy looked terribly embarrassed- and I was exchanging mortified looks with a young female deckie.
We got off the train at the end of the pier, and I stayed behind to make a phone call. As I finished my call, I saw the fisherman, and mustered up all my courage to go & speak to him- not knowing what kind of reception to expect.
Cringing- literally- with embarrassment, I approached him. I launched into a huge, groveling apology to try to put what had happened into context for the guy, and explain that it hadn't been meant in a racist manner.
He replied "sorry?"
So I did it all over again. But this time, I was redder, and even more groveling. I waffled on for what seemed like a lifetime.
He looked at me and said
"I sorry, I deaf"
You should have heard the fucking language...
:doh:A
Think closed shop for a Munch Res- a venue which on that night caters only to members. They can discuss Felching and only have to worry about being overheard by bemused bar staff.
A social could be a bunch of reprobates trying not to be overheard talking Felching in a corner of Weatherspoons on a Saturday night.
or
something like a camping social- a bunch of reprobates singing songs about Felching round a firepit in a field.
:thumbup:
A social could be a bunch of reprobates trying not to be overheard talking Felching in a corner of Weatherspoons on a Saturday night.
or
something like a camping social- a bunch of reprobates singing songs about Felching round a firepit in a field.
:thumbup:
Mrs B, we love you. You're a star. 
I have the very same garter set- bought for my Saloon Girl garb at last years camp. If you know where to look, You'll see it was a tad tight on my leg too! Especially seeing as how someone else was wearing one with much slimmer legs! Huff. I wouldn't have minded, but I'd provided the rest of their costume!
And as for that
:dry:
I have the very same garter set- bought for my Saloon Girl garb at last years camp. If you know where to look,
You'll see it was a tad tight on my leg too! Especially seeing as how someone else was wearing one with much slimmer legs! Huff. I wouldn't have minded, but I'd provided the rest of their costume! And as for that
and switch herself off in a Witchy type flounce!
:dry:
Waking up to cards, choccies, flowers and a teddy- even our 3 teenagers made an effort. Well, obviously theres a ban on selling stamps near eldest's uni but we'll be seeing her next weekend :bounce: so she's "doing" mothers day then.
Not one, but three hand made cards from my youngest- containing promises that "Because you do everything, I'm doing everything today" I'm gonna have some fun with this :twisted:
Theres a plus side for them though- I've lost my voice!
but we'll be seeing her next weekend :bounce: so she's "doing" mothers day then. Not one, but three hand made cards from my youngest- containing promises that "Because you do everything, I'm doing everything today" I'm gonna have some fun with this :twisted:
Theres a plus side for them though- I've lost my voice!
I'm fortunate in that I think of a retort on the spot. It's almost led to me getting a smack in the mouth from time to time though 
We were at a club, and I'd gone into a room with a guy. He said "Turn over so I can see your big ass." Now, had it not been for the fact that the guy was (literally) 7ft tall (almost that lying down too ) I'd have poked his eye out.
Granted, he was Afro Carribean & went to great lengths to explain to me that it had been a compliment, and he didn't go for "skinny white birds." He also commented that he'd singled me out earlier in the evening in the bar- and I'd seen him pass up several offers in order to chat me up. So I kinda believed & forgave him.
I also politely informed him that it may not be the best terminology to use in future if he valued his testicles...
We were at a club, and I'd gone into a room with a guy. He said "Turn over so I can see your big ass." Now, had it not been for the fact that the guy was (literally) 7ft tall (almost that lying down too
) I'd have poked his eye out.Granted, he was Afro Carribean & went to great lengths to explain to me that it had been a compliment, and he didn't go for "skinny white birds." He also commented that he'd singled me out earlier in the evening in the bar- and I'd seen him pass up several offers in order to chat me up. So I kinda believed & forgave him.
I also politely informed him that it may not be the best terminology to use in future if he valued his testicles...
