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awol

Over 90 days ago

Straight Male, 61

0 miles · Greater London

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18 Mar 2005

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."
The female whale agreed, so they tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore! The male whale was enraged that they were going to get away and said to the female, "Quick! Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they get to the shore!"
At this point, he realized the female whale was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
rolleyes

rolleyes

17 Mar 2005

:welcome:
Welcome Sammi, from another relative newbie... cool

cool

Quote by manofmuchfun
welcome to playland.......where dreams come true !

I hope that is true MOMF? I'm still waiting for mine to come true! sad

sad

16 Mar 2005

he's a troll... ! it's obvious
like leprechaun said - what an idiot!
mad

mad

16 Mar 2005

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

16 Mar 2005

Quote by Suze43
can i also say coming on here is totally addictive!!! xxxxxxxx

Welcome Suze and yes it's bloody addictive I even resorted to asking people to stop posting once as I had to get back to work - and what did they do? Totally ignored me and kept on posting!!
Bastards!
smile

smile

16 Mar 2005

hmmmmm I know I'll regret posting this but I'm desperate :shock: (there's a limit as to how much I can love my right hand!) so Big Moron available here
lol

lol

16 Mar 2005

Hello D&E :welcome: to the board. ... you sound great .. shame I'm not an elusive bi-fem................ (yet!) :twisted:

16 Mar 2005

Quote by benniblaka
yeah just add the c and were laughing!!!

frekcledbird
Like that? phew! thanks for the tip mate I don't really fancy my balls busted!
rotflmao

rotflmao

16 Mar 2005

Quote by gummy
think you better before freckledbird sees that.

Oh dear - do you think I'm digging my own grave here?
:cry:

16 Mar 2005

Quote by benniblaka
now your at it!!! IT'S FRECKLEDBIRD

are you sure? I'm quite certain I read it as frekledbird?
biggrin

biggrin

16 Mar 2005

Welcome Joe,
don't worry I'm sure Ms frekledbird is not upset, oh and make sure you spell her name correctly too!
It's frekledbird...!
lol

lol

15 Mar 2005

Quote by Libra-Love
Well I read that up there as....
Looks at whores
So what part of the brain would be responsible for that then?

er... maybe the primitive bit in the middle that PoloLady mentioned? :twisted:

15 Mar 2005

Quote by Libra-Love
I'd be sliding up and down warming a sticky dessert

yummy!!

lol

15 Mar 2005

As you know, brains (for those who have them biggrin

biggrin

) are divided right down the middle into a right hemisphere and a left hemisphere. Each hemisphere appears to be specialized for some specific behaviours.
Left brain hemisphere: Logical, Sequential, Rational, Analytical, Objective, Looks at parts
Right brain hemisphere: Random, Intuitive, Holistic, Synthesizing, Subjective, Looks at wholes
Which hemisphere do you prefer to use? Obviously we flit between the two as necessary, but where do you prefer to be? I go from one to the other, not consciously obviously but I tend to linger more on the right side most of the time. What about the rest of you?
Which do you think are crap in bed left or right brainers?

15 Mar 2005

Quote by Clare_Lincs
Do we get any grinding with all this bumping :rascal:

Well there's no way I'm going to bump him ... and ruin my own chances?! nah!
not me
biggrin

biggrin

15 Mar 2005

Welcome Bazza
:welcome:

14 Mar 2005

I haven't got much good taste in music I admit it,
and of course the husband knows it's serious, really serious.
I'm sure there were times when the husband could have murdered her,
But now... I doubt she'll pull through
The guy must be desperate to see her
Just to whisper her his last goodbyes,
As he knows, it's serious.
really serious.
sad

sad

14 Mar 2005

Quote by Eagerslut9
I see you've attracted the attention of some of the resident loons already!

would that be me too?! yippeee!!!
or am I still a non-loon newbie? sad

sad

14 Mar 2005

Quote by veejay
This is a very offensive joke. You are encouraging people to commit murder. Whats worse is that you have brought oral sex into dis-repute.

umm I dunno... euthanasia by oral sex sounds appealing somehow!! :twisted:

14 Mar 2005

A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognizable movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses run back into the room. "What happened?" they cried.
The husband said, "I'm not sure, but I think she choked".
biggrin

biggrin

14 Mar 2005

Welcome havantcouple
biggrin

biggrin

11 Mar 2005

Sorry but I have a question... what if the PM receiver decides to bin all the PMs and not reply to any of them... is there a penalty? :twisted:

11 Mar 2005

That's very sad news.
sad

sad

11 Mar 2005

A father entered his daughter's bedroom and saw a letter on the bed. With the worst premonition, he read it with trembling hands.
Dear Mum and Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I've eloped with my new boyfriend. I've found real love and he is so nice. Especially with all his piercings, scars, tattoos, and his big motorcycle. But it's not only that, I'm pregnant, and Razor said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams.
I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends. They're the one's providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we could ever want. In the meantime, we'll pray for science to find the AIDS cure, so Razor gets better. He deserves it.
Don' t worry about money. Razor has arranged for me to be in films that his friends Big Richard and Dirty Dave make in their basement. Apparently I can earn Â£50 a scene. I get a Â£50 bonus if there are more than three men in it. Don't worry Mum. Now I'm 15 years old, I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'll visit you and Dad so that you can meet your grandchildren. Your loving daughter,
PS Dad, it's not true. I'm watching TV at a neighbour's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than ROONEY GOING TO UNITED!!

10 Mar 2005

Quote by lil_miz_naughty_0204
:shock: you know the sad thing about this is that it is so true. Shop owners rush foods off their shelfs quicker than you can say death but cigarettes dont shift even though they are responsible for so many deaths each year.

yes, you're right - it's one of the ironies of modern life isn't it?

10 Mar 2005

well at least you guys get PMs I just got notification (via email) that I received a PM, go to check my inbox and zilch, nothing, nowt, nada, nil, zero ???
She/he? chaged her/his mind?
sad

sad

sad

sad

sad

sad

sad

10 Mar 2005

Customer; Worcester sauce crisps please.
Shopkeeper ; Sorry can't, its off the shelves, cancer scare.
Customer; Oh right, Chinese Chicken wings please
Shopkeeper; Ah that's the same, cancer scare
Customer; Hamburger relish ?
shopkeeper; Cancer scare
Customer; Sausage & mash ?
Shopkeeper; Cancer Scare
Customer; Cottage pie?
Shopkeeper; Yes,... no wait, cancer scare.
Customer; So they're all off the shelves because of a cancer scare ?
Shopkeeper; Yes
Customer;(sigh) Just give me a packet of fags then
Shopkeepe; Certainly please
Customer Thanks
biggrin

biggrin

10 Mar 2005

Quote by manofmuchfun
......... why does it take NTL about a month to do something that could be done in a couple of hours at most !
is there a way to speed the process ?

Well you can send them this letter: biggrin

biggrin

Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your
3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three
month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not
previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of
monolithic proportions.
Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue
your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or
more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading
material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking
vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.
My initial installation was cancelled without warning or notice, resulting in
my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your
technician to arrive. When he did not arrive at all, I spent a further 57
minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying
Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website.... how? I
alleviated the boredom to some small degree by playing with my testicles for
a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although
the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.
Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After several further
telephone calls (actually 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks) my modem arrived
... a total of six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.
I estimate that the downtime of your internet servers is roughly 35%...
these are usually the hours between about 6pm and midnight, Monday to
Friday, and most of the useful periods over the weekend. I am still waiting
for my telephone connection. I have made nine telephone calls on my mobile
to your no-help line this week, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a
variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled
bollock jugglers.
I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will
call me back), that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me
back), that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a
telephone line is available (and then been cut off), that I will be
transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is
available (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that
your office is closed), that I will be transferred to someone who knows
whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to
the irritating Scottish robot woman.... and several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a
thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of
those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to.
Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my
frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music.
Forgive me, therefore, if I continue. I thought BT were shit, that they had
attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one,
anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more
obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose
NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there?
How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable
dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you
truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum: incompetents of
the highest order. British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like
brilliant beacons of success in the filthy puss-filled mire of your
seemingly limitless inadequacy.
Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to
receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you do likewise, and
cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the
services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver
- any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief -
although these feelings will quickly be replaced by derision, and even
perhaps a small measure of bemused rage.
I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter
tray, as an _expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you, and
your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become
desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of
posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not
experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the
very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.
Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats,
Yours psychotically,
(letter originally received by email as joke but presumed to be true)

9 Mar 2005

Hi Helen,
Can you please put me on the list too?
Thank you
smile

smile

8 Mar 2005

don't bring back...... er... hanging?
:shock: