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awol
Over 90 days ago
Straight Male, 60
0 miles · Greater London
Forum
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten."
The woman said, "That's okay." And for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realise that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for So, SHAZAM!" she's the most beautiful woman in the world.
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, “That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's
His is mine. "So, SHAZAM!" she's the richest woman in the world.
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Please leave now, there are other more interesting threads to read. Thank you.
Attention Male readers: Please scroll down.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.
Moral of the story: Women think they're smarter. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
PS: If you are a woman and you are still reading this, it only goes to show you that women never listen!
PPS. I think I've just blown my chances of meeting ladies here
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten."
The woman said, "That's okay." And for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realise that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for So, SHAZAM!" she's the most beautiful woman in the world.
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, “That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's
His is mine. "So, SHAZAM!" she's the richest woman in the world.
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Please leave now, there are other more interesting threads to read. Thank you.
Attention Male readers: Please scroll down.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.
Moral of the story: Women think they're smarter. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
PS: If you are a woman and you are still reading this, it only goes to show you that women never listen!
PPS. I think I've just blown my chances of meeting ladies here
Quote by Dawn_Mids
It wasn't because no one took it serious, for me it was a case of Oh no not another bloody board I have to read
I happen to think having techie questons in the cafe produces more answers as I believe this area is read the most. Sticking it elsewhere might mean people won't bother to read it even though they might happen to know the answer. Giving it more exspoure should in theory, be more productive
Dawn
I see your point Dawn, thanks for the reply.
It is a shame as there are some lovely pieces of techie advice hidden deep in the Cafe which would be great to place somewhere more easily accessible.
But I understand how difficult and time consuming it must be to moderate thousands of posts... so I'll shut up now
Quote by Sgt Bilko
If I am showing as being in the building then I am in the building. If I'm not, I'm not!!
That doesn't mean you will get an instant reply to a PM though!!:lol: :lol: :lol:
yes I can confirm this... I PMd him/her(?) ages ago and have yet to receive a reply and I am so upset!
not really
Quote by Silk and Big G
Can we fix it so everyone who doesnt bother ro read the advice and asks on the forum how to do this has to send 10p to JQL ? Then we wont have to keep reading it , and JQL will get the learjet hes always wanted ??
I did suggest once before that maybe we could have a Techie forum, just like the Cafe, Dogging etc, where all the techie help could be placed and a few sticky ones? It would save the oldies getting annoyed and the newbies a lot of time (well the ones who read posts properly anyway). But because I'm a newbie no-one took it seriously
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Laura said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Sarah. Neil, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Judy. Aunt Judy was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the fuck away from Aunt Judy when she's been drinking."
Laura said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Sarah. Neil, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Judy. Aunt Judy was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the fuck away from Aunt Judy when she's been drinking."
RickRoper's comments about pooing at work reminded me of this email I got ages ago (it's amazing all the crap I have in my inbox!!)
How to poo...at work!!
This is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work...
CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not
in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it
came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full
fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell
has left your pants.
FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing.
Walk in and check for other pooers.
If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be
careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious
if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a
poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen.
If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it.
No one likes an escapee.
It is uncomfortable for all involved.
Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK
When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This
is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should
happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the
bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water.
This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the
bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just
stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend
that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER
A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it.
You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with
a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the
office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.
THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing
goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the
whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least
expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the
bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realise that you are in the stall and tries to
force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable
moments that can occur when taking a poo at work.
If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves.
This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you
are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert
potential Turd Burglars.
Very effective when used inconjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that
you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall
is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so
the pooer can poo in peace.
WATERMELON
A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This
is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on,
create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELETTE
A case of diarrhoea that creates series of loud splashes in the toilet
water. Often accompanied by an Escapee.
Try using Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.
Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting
on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the
crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty.
This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
How to poo...at work!!
This is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work...
CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not
in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it
came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full
fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell
has left your pants.
FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing.
Walk in and check for other pooers.
If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be
careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious
if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a
poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen.
If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it.
No one likes an escapee.
It is uncomfortable for all involved.
Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK
When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This
is usually a side effect of diarrhoea or a hangover. If this should
happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the
bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water.
This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the
bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just
stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend
that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER
A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it.
You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with
a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the
office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.
THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing
goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the
whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least
expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the
bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realise that you are in the stall and tries to
force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable
moments that can occur when taking a poo at work.
If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves.
This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
A phoney cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you
are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert
potential Turd Burglars.
Very effective when used inconjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that
you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall
is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so
the pooer can poo in peace.
WATERMELON
A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This
is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on,
create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELETTE
A case of diarrhoea that creates series of loud splashes in the toilet
water. Often accompanied by an Escapee.
Try using Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.
Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting
on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the
crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty.
This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
Right, I'm compiling a tomette called "The Little Book of Sex Games" ... anyone want to submit their favourites???
My fav is:
The Singing Lesson
You send her a message to report right away for her singing lesson. No arguments, she has to drop what she's doing and come over.
As the Singing Master, you have absolute authority. If she argues with you, she has to be punished. :twisted:
So you put her through her paces, and it's probably not very good - in fact, you'll have to both punish her for singing so terribly, and help her improve. Helping her might consist her loosening, or even removing articles of clothing.
You might have to put a finger, or other objects in her mouth to get her to really open her mouth and belt it out. You might have to lay your hands on various parts of her body to get the appropriate sounds to come out ... hell, you might even have to fuck her! And through it all she has to sing her heart out ... of course she'll be better for it in the end.
And of course you must be a stern taskmaster throughout! :twisted:
My fav is:
The Singing Lesson
You send her a message to report right away for her singing lesson. No arguments, she has to drop what she's doing and come over.
As the Singing Master, you have absolute authority. If she argues with you, she has to be punished. :twisted:
So you put her through her paces, and it's probably not very good - in fact, you'll have to both punish her for singing so terribly, and help her improve. Helping her might consist her loosening, or even removing articles of clothing.
You might have to put a finger, or other objects in her mouth to get her to really open her mouth and belt it out. You might have to lay your hands on various parts of her body to get the appropriate sounds to come out ... hell, you might even have to fuck her! And through it all she has to sing her heart out ... of course she'll be better for it in the end.
And of course you must be a stern taskmaster throughout! :twisted:
I suppose I'm writing here because not one of you has ever looked at my profile...this is probably because I am a short fat ugly git with no friends (I'm not bitter about this at all... oh nooo).
I have never been on a SwingingHeaven date (desperate or what!). What baffles me is that people on Trisha have actually met people and I haven't! There are even some sick individuals who find Bluexx and Satin's parties fun! Honestly! ;)
If some of you lovely people happen to think along the lines of "hmm - rather mad bastard this awol individual but he could provide an hour or so of entertainment..." then maybe we could all go and feed the ducks in the park or go and find a pub that no one else on SwingingHeaven knows about so that we can sit on the comfy sofas and hog the roaring fire. Well, that's as long as you know where all these nice pubs are as my local is vile!
So just to make it clear (as mud) given the fact that I am on a swinging site, you might be able to guess that one of the things I would like is a raunchy sexual relationship with plenty of strings and ropes attached all over the place. This will include antics such as lots of snogging, tickling, licking...arguing over whose turn it is to use the whips, hadcuffs, lube, etc. Failing that maybe just someone to share a kit-kat with would fe great... and I don't mean the sharing Kit-Kat couple from here - then again I wouldn't mind that either!
If you like the sound of that then why not say Hi!?! I'll be all lonely this Friday 25th March April 2005 (got that date? please write it down). If you are mad enough (which I very much doubt) you can PM or email me and I will return the honour. So please save me form my sick desire to sit in a darkened room staring at the screen and shouting "PM me you bastards!"
I have never been on a SwingingHeaven date (desperate or what!). What baffles me is that people on Trisha have actually met people and I haven't! There are even some sick individuals who find Bluexx and Satin's parties fun! Honestly! ;)
If some of you lovely people happen to think along the lines of "hmm - rather mad bastard this awol individual but he could provide an hour or so of entertainment..." then maybe we could all go and feed the ducks in the park or go and find a pub that no one else on SwingingHeaven knows about so that we can sit on the comfy sofas and hog the roaring fire. Well, that's as long as you know where all these nice pubs are as my local is vile!
So just to make it clear (as mud) given the fact that I am on a swinging site, you might be able to guess that one of the things I would like is a raunchy sexual relationship with plenty of strings and ropes attached all over the place. This will include antics such as lots of snogging, tickling, licking...arguing over whose turn it is to use the whips, hadcuffs, lube, etc. Failing that maybe just someone to share a kit-kat with would fe great... and I don't mean the sharing Kit-Kat couple from here - then again I wouldn't mind that either!
If you like the sound of that then why not say Hi!?! I'll be all lonely this Friday 25th March April 2005 (got that date? please write it down). If you are mad enough (which I very much doubt) you can PM or email me and I will return the honour. So please save me form my sick desire to sit in a darkened room staring at the screen and shouting "PM me you bastards!"
Quote by northwest-cpl
Also, for all single guys at clubs, don't ask the husband if you can play. Speak to the lady, it's her body after all.
Good point but confusingly enough it doesn't always work like that - when I was in a club once I asked a girl as you say and then she asked her partner if it was OK? He said no
So go figure!
:cheers:It never ceases to amaze me how far companies will go to make you part with your money. As good example of consumerism going to extremes we don't need to go too far. Just go to your local supermarket and you'll see toilet paper with added Aloe Vera and Vitamin E!
Eh? Who in the world uses a toilet paper loaded with vitamins? Is this taken vanity a bit too much? OK you may have a nice arse (and sphincter perhaps?) but if you want vitamins on your arse surely you'd buy a cream? Or am I missing something here?
So what's your favourite bog roll then? and are you the one who uses vitamin loaded bog rolls? Personally I make do with old copies of The Sun (it's shit anyway!)
Eh? Who in the world uses a toilet paper loaded with vitamins? Is this taken vanity a bit too much? OK you may have a nice arse (and sphincter perhaps?) but if you want vitamins on your arse surely you'd buy a cream? Or am I missing something here?
So what's your favourite bog roll then? and are you the one who uses vitamin loaded bog rolls? Personally I make do with old copies of The Sun (it's shit anyway!)
