Damn double post, messed me quotes up
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davej
Over 90 days ago
Straight Male
Straight Female
0 miles · Hertfordshire
Forum
Sex God
Nope sorry Angel it ain't Arti. I've checked me passport and been to have a look in the bathroom cabinet mirror (not an easy one that as we don't have a bathroom cabinet, but a quick trip to homebase to look in one of theirs cracked that little problem] and I can confirm I am who I thought I was
Sex God
I've tried to post over the last few years, but the authorities won't allow computers in the cells, so it's been a few years. 6 years I think, 6 years for a bit of poaching, I ask ya, bit strong if you ask me, but I'm guessing that having previous form for the same offence, didn't help, as I've been caught before taking the odd rabbit or two, but it's only ever attracted a community service order and a few quid in compo for the land owner, this time they hit me hard, .
I've no complaints though, blame myself really, stayed in the area way too long, I'm normally in and out real quick, shoot it, cut a slit in a hind leg with my pen knife, force the foot of the other leg through the slit to make a handy loop then thread them onto me poaching stick and away, all done in less than a minute, but this time it took me hours and hours, especially the cutting and threading of the legs. ..
Still lessons learned, my pen knife and poachers stick aint necessarily the best tools for the job, and in Kenya, they are more passionate about their elephants than we are about our rabbits.
Sex God
Quote by neilinleeds
A noble sentiment Dave. The thought that my pain might be someone else's gain would bring me some small crumb ((( no pun intended! ))) of comfort and of course we should take every advantage of the opportunities life throws in our path in these financially challenging times we live in. Unfortunately, I can see the odd teensy weensy little flaw in Jas' plan.
I wouldn't claim to be some sort of expert on the whole religiously themed foodstuffs industry, so I might be speaking out of turn, but assuming we could get my facial residues past the Food Standards Agency in the first place I'm just not sure that Crucified Cod is really gonna fly?
N x x x ;)
You might be right and like you I'm struggling to find a suitable name. My immediate thought was 'Angel Fish' but thats already been taken by eeermm Angel fish.
I also thought of sticking twelve in a box and calling it 'The Fish Supper' maybe do eleven goldfish and chuck in one stickleback, looks the same as the others, but a wrong un, a Judas, even comes with it's own spikes, but figured that it's obvious connection would mean folk would only buy it the once.
I'm playing around with the two fishes and five loaves connection, but can see that might be self depricating given what we are dealing with and calling it 'Two fishes and some other bits' ain't gonna disguise the fact that I've come full circle and ended up back at 'bread'
Sex God
Quote by Jas-Tim
THe pair of you need to get in touch with Captain Birds Eye - You can supply the whole product and everyone's a winner.
If you could train the goldfish to hold their fins out at a reasonable angle warwick you could even pinch the substance of Dave and Dino's idea and have religious breaded goldfish. Just need a catchy name to market them and I'm sure someonewould have some ideas.
I'm willing to get involved provided some of the proceeds from any sales go directly into researh with a view to eradicating 'breadface disease' To see an old friends freckles gradually turn to croutons has been distressing.
I've even read about a couple of sufferers who made a pact to end it all, but wanted the world to hear about it and wanted to associate their passing with bread or a bread associated product to max out the publicity. Eventually they plunged thier heads into the toamato soup urn at thier local Little Chef. Fortunately they were pulled out by a concerned employee, who told them to fuck off down the road to the motorway services. where they were serving vegetable soup that day which is less viscose and therefore easier to become over saturated in.
Sex God
Quote by Laff_n_Chilli
Following our recent holiday to Turkey we would like to take the opportunity to thoroughly recommend the toilet system in operation there (although we do understand that this system is operated in several countries across the world but for some strange reason not here in the UK)
The toilet looks like a standard toilet but contains (slightly hidden under the seat) a small nozzle. By operating a suitable tap/lever you can control a jet of soothing/stimulating & above all cleansing water that - once it has been properly set up - rinses your little anus perfectly.
We would imagine that in combination with the cheek parting seat it would provide such a level of cleanliness and comfortable stimulation that one might be tempted to simply stay in the sitting position for some time.
It certainly helped us out/in/up & down.
Does that feel similar to having your ears syringed, because I didn't like that very much.
Sex God
Quote by foxylady2209
Slight hijack - this thread reminded me of an incident years ago.
Public toilet, didn't inspect the seat too closely, sat, etc etc, went to stand up and found that a small crack in the seat had opened as I sat and closed as I stood up, providing me with many tens of minutes of agony and a blood-blister in a very personal place.
Moral of the story - inspect public loo seats before use.
Alternative moral, more applicable these days perhaps is to unscrew the seat and take it home. it's evidence. Have your injuries photographed including a tape in the shot to for scale. Get yourself to hospial to try and get treatment, certainly get as many folk to look at it as you can. Take time off work until the injury heals. Take further time off work to allow the mental trauma time to diminish...etc etc blah ...blah
You;ve got yourself an accident that wasn't your fault. Physical injury. Mental scarring. Public humiliation. Loss of earnings. It's the perfect storm for one of the claims r us firms. It wasn't a blood blister foxylady. it was the funds for a small car.
Sex God
They can be found in any D.I.Y. store, they are simply seats that are not flat but are thicker on the outer rim and then bevel down as the seat moves towards the inner rim. Run your hand over the ones they have too find the ones with the greatest difference in thickness across the seat.
You can create a similaar effect if you slip on a pair of platform shoes each time you go, thus elavating your feet, or by wearing a tie, leaning forward and tying each end of your tie under your thighs thus keeping you in a bent forward position.
Niether item of clothing should draw too much attention if you leave them tidily down by the side of the pan for future use.
You can create a similaar effect if you slip on a pair of platform shoes each time you go, thus elavating your feet, or by wearing a tie, leaning forward and tying each end of your tie under your thighs thus keeping you in a bent forward position.
Niether item of clothing should draw too much attention if you leave them tidily down by the side of the pan for future use.
Sex God
Quote by tweeky
Perhaps the trick next year is to change the types of birds used?
Sparklers: Sparrows, nice and light.
Rockets: Seagulls, ample sized and sure to make enough noise.
Shooting stars: A flock of swifts, they generate the speed and dispersion needed.
Cathrine wheels: Ducks, fits in with their personality as they always seem to walk round and round being pointless and nobody really cares about them.
I like your thinking tweeky, the matching of bird type, to firework type, might just work.
I'm gonna trial some penguins as jumping jacks. Penguins don't get off the ground and have that sort of short gait that jumping jacks have when they go off.
Sex God
Quote by tweeky
Awww quick thought! Feed pigeons chips filled with bicarbonate of soda and luminous paint. Walah! cheap fireworks :haha:
I netted pigeons all day yesterday and tried your suggestion. We managed to follow the firework code by stuffing our pigeons into an old Quality Street tin to prevent any stray sparks igniting them. That aint as easy as you might think to start with.
The show was indeed colourfull thanks to the paints used but in general there where areas where the pigeon falls short. After inserting sticks up the arses of half our stock so the kids had some sparklers with which to trace their names with against the dark night sky, we can report that they proved too heavy to twirl around for most of the chlldren The ones nailed to the fence as catherine wheels squaked sumint terrible as I weilded the hammer.
The biggest let done though was not visual enjoyment, that was there right enough, it was audio enjoyment. Proper fireworks make a variety of whistles, bangs and fizz noises, where as all my pigeons had a look of surprise on their faces just before making a barely audible 'phhttt' noise as they went off.
Sex God
Quote by foxylady2209
For sitting on a bike?
thank you for that foxylady, it sounds plausible. Guess I just need to go by a bike to get some use outa my lower zip.
I'd also add to my list anything designed and made for usw by right handed people when making it nuetral handed wouldn't alter it's performance or cost. I know the world is predominantly right handed and thats what needs to be catered for if an item is better for being 'handed', but bashing a pouring lip into a milk saucepan on both sides at the time of manufacture can't add cost to the product.... the list could go on
Sex God
Quote by Dino
If i could do sign language, and if i could understand it, we could get one o them people in the bottom corner of the screen to wave there arms n fingers about and we wouldnt even have to whisper :gagged:
I saw mrs davej doing that down the garden a few weeks ago, thought good on her learning something new in her latter years. Turns out she'd just stood on a wasps nest :doh:
Sex God
Quote by Dino
Pssssst, i did put a little notey thing at the bottom of the post
footnote;i know flower411 is a chap but "maiden" sounds so much better in a magical tale
And Pssst why are we all whispering ???
...because I'm due visitors tonight, but don't want to see them so I'm pretending not to be here hence the need to whisper and sit in the dark.....sssshh
Sex God
Quote by flower411
The voices told me to start the thread ......I distinctly remember ...
"Start the thread and they will come"
I never knew what they bloody meant now, did I !!!
...and I for one am glad you did start it flower, because as it's evolved, I've been made aware of a terrible disease I didn't know existed. I will certainly think twice about joining in with the drunken bread roll throwing that sometimes takes place at event dinner parties, for fear of adding insult to injury, by hurling some unfortunates testicle across the room.
Sex God
:rotflmao:...You have way too much time on your hands Dino..
:rotflmao:
I've just rang Neil, I had no idea, poor fella is suffering real bad because of the 'breadface' He suffers permant abuse from the local yobs. Sat on a bench in Leeds city centre and was swamped by pigeons that cost him his left ear before they could be driven away and a drunk kicked him in the balls and stuck Flora spreadable up both of Neils nostrils. The only good thing to come of it was the police finally apprehended the culprit and have charged him with 'Assault and Buttery'
Sex God
Quote by Dino
I shall sell it as a70s iconic fruit product that can, at the twist and pull of the wrist be turned into a popular and tastey energy providing treat !
Perfect Dino, just perfect. I've never worked in marketing, but do know you gotta push every upside of you iconic bannana.
As for your fuel station,I gotta hold off on that cos I'got to get back to me toasting, believe it of not I've only gone and got a commission :bounce: power of the internet eh.
After posting last night a high up in the company that makes Clearasil, wants me to toast as many slices of bread as I need thats got them black poppy seeds in it until I get a rough image of a human face, male or female, they ain't bothered.. They are then gonna mount it under glass, alogside a pristine white slice as a promotional gimmick. A sort of before and after type thing. My toast representing the over exposed, dried out, blackhead filled result of poor skin care and the fresh white slice to show what can be achieved in just 7 days with their lotion.
Sex God
Quote by Dino
Bloody hell...ive just helped myself to a banana from the fruit bowl and bugger me if it isnt .....
Mungo Jerry`s drummer :shock: as clear as owt !
Quick, get on ebay, it's gotta be worth money. Word it right though, big it up, not only have you got an iconic image on the skin, the lucky buyer gets the ingrediant for a tasty fritter free inside.
Sex God
At least we tried Dino, I could have wasted more money with the toast idea. I started out useing crumpets, thinking the uneven and pitted surface would throw up greater oppurtunity. It took mrs davej to point out that each one was a spitting image of Leo Kearns, the actor who played Rumpole of The Bailey.
My vision was clouded by my hope and ambition.
My vision was clouded by my hope and ambition.
Sex God
Quote by Missy
FFS Dave you bluddy weirdo!:rotflmao:
....but with a grain of truth in there missy, I cant be the only one who thinks trying to find the end of a loo roll in them contraptions should be used on the Krypton Factor as a dexterity test
Sex God
Quote by HornyRed
in a manner reminiscent to what dino calls "the good ole days" like youve never been away !
Have you both been practicing in secret behind my back?? cos this is just too wierd
Hello HR
Been away trying to earn a quid, thought I'd stike out on my own, but it didn't work out. I saw a slice of toast that had an image similar to that on the Turin Shroud sold for a fair few quid, so I brought 27 toasters and 1500 loaves in the hope of getting lucky, but alas never got a nativity scene or other similar image that would have been worth a fortune. I did get some slices come out that bore a passing resemblance to various things and did get some offers, couple of quid type stuff, but I'd used thick sliced bread just as the post office changed its pricing so the cost of sending them out was greater than the bids offered, so I kicked that idea into touch.I did go into manufacturing an excercise gadget for arthiritis sufferers. Mrs davej has it in her fingers and excercise seems to help, anyways, I got the idea after seeing her put her fingers through the bars of Neville the hampsters cage. She could just reach his wheel with her finger tips and spin it, excellent excercise for her arthiritic fingers so I enclosd a wheel in a box so she could just put her hand in and turn it, I thought it would be a winner till I went to the toilet at Tesco and realised they had installed an almost identical contraption that required folk to insert thier hand into a plastic case and try and spin a toilet roll with their finger tips in the vain hope they can find the end of the roll. Foiled again. What dya do :dunno:
Sex God
Quote by Sarah
No such elaborate scarlet pimperneling here im afraid, i got sent here to do 200 hours community service ! :neutral:
200 hours,
:lol: Well,the mods office needs sweeping out you can start there, then 3 hours of photo perving, 3 hours of forum reading, re stock the bar and fridge...................:lol:
Take a wheelie bin in there Dino, last time i stuck my head through the door it was knee high in empty vodka bottles and out of date pork pies.
Sex God
Quote by tweeky
Come on own up now! Whos been down the SH graveyard with their bucket and spade again?
Welcome back all who have resurfaced
They didn't reckon on the cunning of us oldies down in the SH dungeons tweeky, sure they performed the usual searches on my visitors for contraband, but failed to spot the potential in the bag of flumps mrs davej sent me daily for two years. What to them looked like a harmless treat for an old has been, was to me a soft mallable material akin to plasticine or clay that when moulded together, could be shaped into a light weight mask that could be hollowed out and strtched over my head allowing me to walk out of the dungeons disguised as someone else. My inability to shape, sculpt and mould with enough skill to make a passable attractive face was covered by my inspired choice to walk out disguised as John McCririck the racing pundit.
