Quote by luv2lick
It always works.....bit obvious this one...but still very good !!
Sorry am I just being thick (dont answer this) but how is it obvious?(answer this)
Join the most popular community of UK swingers now
Login
wildwilly
Over 90 days ago
Straight Male, 52
0 miles · Clackmannanshire
Forum
Casanova
It's almost 200 years since Lord Nelson's famous naval victory over the French and Spanish in the Battle of Trafalgar.
How Nelson would have fared if he's been subject to modern health and safety regulations.
You are now on the deck of the recently renamed British Flagship, HMS Apeasement.
Order the signal, Hardy.
Aye, aye, sir.
Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?
Sorry, sir?
England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is this?
Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting "England" past the censors, lest it be considered rascist.
Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.
Sorry, sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments.
In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle.
The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking.
Good heavens. Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead.
I think you'll find that there's a 4 mph speed limit in this stretch of water.
Dammit, man, we are on the eve of the greatest sea fight in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please.
That won't be possible, sir.
What?
Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they say that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.
Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy.
He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle
Admiral.
Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd.
Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.
Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card.
Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.
Whatever next? Give me a full sail. The salt spray beckons.
A couple of problems there, too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?
I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.
The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.
What? This is mutiny.
It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.
Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?
Actually, sir, we're not.
We're not?
No, sir. The Frenchies and Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.
But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.
I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary.
You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King.
Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest, it's the rules.
Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?
As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there's a ban on corporal punishment.
What about sodomy?
I believe it's to be encouraged sir.
In that case - giz a shag Hardy.
How Nelson would have fared if he's been subject to modern health and safety regulations.
You are now on the deck of the recently renamed British Flagship, HMS Apeasement.
Order the signal, Hardy.
Aye, aye, sir.
Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signal officer. What's the meaning of this?
Sorry, sir?
England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is this?
Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting "England" past the censors, lest it be considered rascist.
Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.
Sorry, sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments.
In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle.
The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking.
Good heavens. Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead.
I think you'll find that there's a 4 mph speed limit in this stretch of water.
Dammit, man, we are on the eve of the greatest sea fight in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please.
That won't be possible, sir.
What?
Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they say that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.
Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy.
He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle
Admiral.
Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd.
Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.
Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card.
Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.
Whatever next? Give me a full sail. The salt spray beckons.
A couple of problems there, too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?
I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.
The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.
What? This is mutiny.
It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.
Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?
Actually, sir, we're not.
We're not?
No, sir. The Frenchies and Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.
But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.
I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary.
You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King.
Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest, it's the rules.
Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?
As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there's a ban on corporal punishment.
What about sodomy?
I believe it's to be encouraged sir.
In that case - giz a shag Hardy.
Casanova
All politically incorrect words and phrases should now be changed to the following:
Dirty Old Man: Sexually focused chronologically gifted individual.
Perverted: Sexually dysfunctional.
Serial Killer: Person with difficult-to-meet needs.
Lazy: Motivationally deficient.
Fat: Horizontally challenged.
Dwarf: Vertically challenged
Fail: Achieve a deficiency.
Dishonest: Ethically disoriented.
Bald: Follicularly challenged.
Clumsy: Uniquely coordinated.
Body Odor: Nondiscretionary fragrance.
Alive: Temporarily metabolically abled.
Worst: Least best.
Wrong: Differently logical.
Ugly: Cosmetically different.
Unemployed: Involuntarily leisured.
Dead: Living impaired.
Vagrant: Nonspecifically destinationed individual.
Drunk: Chemically inconvenienced.
Pregnant: Parasitically oppressed.
Ignorant: Knowledge-based non-possessor.
Dirty Old Man: Sexually focused chronologically gifted individual.
Perverted: Sexually dysfunctional.
Serial Killer: Person with difficult-to-meet needs.
Lazy: Motivationally deficient.
Fat: Horizontally challenged.
Dwarf: Vertically challenged
Fail: Achieve a deficiency.
Dishonest: Ethically disoriented.
Bald: Follicularly challenged.
Clumsy: Uniquely coordinated.
Body Odor: Nondiscretionary fragrance.
Alive: Temporarily metabolically abled.
Worst: Least best.
Wrong: Differently logical.
Ugly: Cosmetically different.
Unemployed: Involuntarily leisured.
Dead: Living impaired.
Vagrant: Nonspecifically destinationed individual.
Drunk: Chemically inconvenienced.
Pregnant: Parasitically oppressed.
Ignorant: Knowledge-based non-possessor.
Casanova
Quote by wild rose and the stag
ive ofte wonderedwhere it went though, if anyonehas cme across my foreskin id like it back just for old times sake, it was last seen sunning itself on a beach in st tropez
staggy
I thought that was how they made hula-hoops
Jaffa-cakes are made from the collective ear-wax of the Mcvities family
Casanova
Quote by dundeecpl
:high-smile: :high-smile: :high-smile: PARTY :high-smile: :high-smile: :high-smile:
If you are on the list for the Scottish Munch, feel free to join us.
Gill & Del x
Mrs Willy & I would love to go, well I would, but I am a man and dont think about the impracticalities...strike that the impossibility of getting a babysitter for four kids two nights in a row. I did suggest we split them between the two grannies but I got a severe look
, so I think we will save ourselves for the munch Hope you all have a great time, save some energy for some dancing, I can shake ma sporran with the best of them.
Casanova
Quote by dogkitty
i will be greatful if someone lead me please?
Hi and welcome to a home from home (this place is bloody addictive), you are now entering the comfort zone, and remember experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
Really I must go and get on with some work...no I must...honestly....I might just read one more thread
Casanova
Quote by tallnhairy
Infinites are unacceptable as physical descriptions, but our hypothetical observers back at the beggining of time are protected by the principle of cosmic censorship. What this means is that singularities exists only mathematically and not as a physical reality that we can observe or measure. Nature's solution to this problem are things like the event horizon around black holes. Barriers built by relativity to prevent observation of a singularity.
experimental study of both ordinary aspects of string physics such as the production of narrow Regge-excitations of all standard model particles, and more exotic phenomena involving strong gravity such as the production of black holes observed weakness of gravity due to the existence of new spatial dimensions much larger than the weak scale, perhaps as large as a millimetre for the case of two extra dimensions.
(as large as a millimetre, some guys have all the luck)
The most obvious dimensions are: length, breadth, height, dangle factor, angular, weight, time, distance, space, capacity, relativity, circumference (girth), linear, tolerance, all dimensions can be multiplied by various states of arousal.
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana....The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are.
Casanova
Quote by manofmuchfun
Perhaps those of us that have been able to live out our fantasies and deal with them without regret, disappointment or even trauma are far more fortunate than we ourselves realise.
I try never to regret what I have done, and if a fulfilled fantasy has not turned out exactly how I thought it would be, at least come away having learned a lesson if there is to be a next time.
But it is not always as easy to ignore dissapointment, acting out your fantasies takes alot of initial courage, there is an incredible amount of anticipation and a great deal of expectation, perhaps it should be kept purely as a fantasy, it can always remain something exciting and unobtainable (unless you tell anyone here then you get a dozen volounteers
). Fantasies give you that stimuli needed to deal with the morning hard-on. Thankfully I have avoided any real traumas (though a guy with a full colostomy bag asking if I was into water sports did freak me out some :shock: )
"Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again."
Casanova
A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?
The father, surprised, answers,
"Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of willies are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and looks at her daughter and answers,
"Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties,it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree "
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only"
The father, surprised, answers,
"Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of willies are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and looks at her daughter and answers,
"Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties,it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree "
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only"
and :welcome: HuddsGirl Casanova
Quote by HuddsGirl
Hi,
New girl here, found this site & so far think it's great. Me & my "friend" have been looking for a site like this for ages, most sites need a fee which is a bit dificult for us.
Don't feel confident enough to put too many details about us down here yet but if anyone would like to have a chat possibly with a view to meeting up - who knows what will happen?
I'm on MSN messenger if you'd prefer to chat that way!
Looking forward to chatting with you all
HuddsGirl
If you would like to view this persons reply, please deposit £20 into the dvd-rom drawer on your PC now
Casanova
I once was a medical experiment control subject testing the effects of endorphines, relating to ME sufferers.I had several injections and a drip over several hours.
Rushes hit me and hard come downs between the rushes, every emotion hit in strong waves, I nearly passed out on several occasions, and at one point I had to be taken from one end of the hospital to the other for a brain scan carrying a cardboard thing shaped like a party hat (supposedly to be sick in). All that was rushing through my head was pure paranoia. I was convinced I was in a loony bin or prison camp. I would not volounteer to do anything like that again. :shock:
It occurs to me that some people buy stuff that made me feel like this to go out on a Saturday night.
Rushes hit me and hard come downs between the rushes, every emotion hit in strong waves, I nearly passed out on several occasions, and at one point I had to be taken from one end of the hospital to the other for a brain scan carrying a cardboard thing shaped like a party hat (supposedly to be sick in). All that was rushing through my head was pure paranoia. I was convinced I was in a loony bin or prison camp. I would not volounteer to do anything like that again. :shock:
It occurs to me that some people buy stuff that made me feel like this to go out on a Saturday night.
