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Keith3006

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11 Aug 2004

That is the most heartening and instructive column I have read on this site.
It has given me not only an insight to what goes on in these clubs, but also how someone has enjoyed themselves. Thanks CarrieAnne.
As a single male, I have been put off previously by the thought of such places being ratherdowdy and shady, much like the strip clubs/pubs of old, but now I'm prepared to stump up my hard earned and give it a try.
The problem is, that as your correspondent pointed out, the high charge of admittance for single men, tends to suggest men will only pay if they feel there is a good chance of them 'getting their end away', as it would make it a very expensive place to go for a drink and a chat, or even just to make new friends.
I suppose my best bet would be to wait until I happen upon a nice lady who likes the idea of exploring our local place of amenities!
Can anyone tell me it the club in Sheffield has introduction nights, or evenings where potential new members can visit for a look round, without feeling as if they are fish out of water? redface

redface

11 Aug 2004

Try breaking a match, my mother used to say when a couple of thing had gone wrong, so why don't you break several?
Mind you, I never did me much good! as over the years i've:
Broken both arms,
Broke my back, five ribs and fractured my pelvis in a fall.
Lost the skin off both legs in a gas explosion,
Gone through two divorces.
Lost two businesses.
Gone broke.
Been homless.
AND CAN'T FIND ANYONE ON HERE TO INVITE ME TO JOIN THEM. rolleyes

rolleyes

But you just have to grin and bare it, don't you? And I feel lucky, now I've just been done for speeding. Â£60 + 3 points. And I'm a chauffeur!
Where's those bloody matches?
Keith.

6 Aug 2004

Hi everyone,
Since retiring early from a high-class lady's lingerie company, a couple of years ago, I've spent most of my spare time writting novels, based on my past years of experience, luck me wink

wink

But I've also found time to write several very sexy short stories, inspired by the adds placed on the site, and there-in lies my problem:
Obviously there is reference or connection to anyone, they are purely works of fiction, unlike my novels, but I would like to think I could get them published, and wondered if there was anyone out there in swining land who could point me in the general direction of an interested publisher? cool

cool

:twisted:
Secondly, is there an interested couple, fairly local to me, within say 10-15 miles of Buxton, Derbys. who would care to asses my stories by reading them through? They should at least make erotic bed-time reading, in the un-likely event anyone needs turning on. BUT BE WARNED, some of them are very strong, and I would not wish to embarress anyone. redface

redface

PM's please
Ok, that's it, now I'll wait for the clever replies and the serious ones, and kick myself for leaving the gate open. :shock:
Keith
I'm still available to couples and single lady's, and my absolute discetion is

1 Aug 2004

Quote by dazandlou
I've just changed our ad around a bit, and as we cant accomodate, i put that we'd be happy to share a hotel bill. Is this a bit presumptuous???? It just looked a bit seedy when i read it through - what does everyone think if they see "share a hotel bill" written in an ad???

Hi Both,
Have read your add, and would respond in a possitive manner if the geography was better. cool

cool

No problem with sharing costs, it only seems polite to me, but I would like to be introduced to Bill, perhaps over a social drink, first. wink

wink

Keith3006

1 Aug 2004

Quote by justloveit
Keith
Er...draw your own conclusions! :swingingchair:

Justloveit,
Aw, your such a tease. There's lead in my pencil, but needs drawing out a bit before I can start.
How's your suction control? 69position

69position

Keith

31 Jul 2004

Quote by justloveit
A. That's funny
B. Just joined and playing with emoticons.
C. Er...that's it!

Welcome justloveit.
your emoticons show a smile, two pricks, and a scarper.
Should we draw any conclusions?? wink

wink

Keith3006

27 Jul 2004

The problem seems to be that every single male who replies to an add expects to get positive results every time. If he thought of his reply as an application for a job, he would realise that from the many applicants the employer is only likely to choose one, and then only if there was a suitable candidate. So what do you do in that situation? You've written the application and heard nothing after a few days?
Either, you give up and go on the dole for the rest of your life, or until the lack of finances forces you into putting your card in the local phone boxes, or, you take the view that you were too good for them anyway, and begin a more careful search of the adverts to find the couple, or single, you are more perfectly suited to, AND STOP MOANING.
Remember, until someone meets you the only thing anyone can judge you by is the way you come across in print, so be careful how you describe yourself, and always bear in mind that the truth usually shows through, even in print.
And there ends the second lesson from chapter 1. v. 27 of the original guide to swingers heaven as made up by me just now. :twisted:
Keith3006

7 Jul 2004

Quote by melons
Went bra shopping today - and why is it that I can only find my size in non attractive bolder holders....
I have nice pretty stuff , but dont want to wear it to work... ( I am the only woman where I work!!!)
So who knows of nice normal feminine stuff you can buy in the high street!!

Hi Melons, and everyone else interested in this subject.
Until eighteen months ago I ran a very successful underwear shop in Derby.
May I suggest that for good quality, everyday, yet pretty, bras, matching briefs or thongs, and suspender belts, you try Panache? Available at most good independant retailers. I can highly reccommend their Venus range for quality and fit, available in black, ivory, white, and fashion colours, which change every six months. The Bra sells for Â£22, Brief/Thongs/ Sus, all Â£14 each. Sizes range from 32 to 46, A to G cup, with larger sizes on the way.
It's also worth remembering that, in general, an independant retailer will offer a better service, with properly trained staff, and a far wider range of brands and sizes than the larger multiples, and outlet stores only sell out dated, clearance stock, and that's why they are cheep.
I know I may sound as if I'm preaching, but it is about time the larger companies, such as the supermarket chains realised their responsibilities and provided expert fitting facilities, as 80% of ladies continue to buy the same size bra for years and wonder why they are uncomfortable.
Being a man, it took me some time to win over my clientel, but with patience I managed to educate lady's to the idea that a bra should leave very few marks when taken off, which is the possitive sign that a bra is propperly fitted. It should not leave indentations on the shoulders where the traps have been, and deffinitely should not leave deep gooves across the back. Neither should there be inprints of the wire under the breasts.
Always check a new bra after 6/8 hours, and if there is any inprint on the body take it back for a replacement, something an independant retailer will be happy to do for you.
Well that's my two-penny worth. I hope I've been of help?
Keith

27 Jun 2004

Quote by chestercouple4fun
Hi Everyone,
We are new to SH but not "newbies". You all seem like a fun bunch so we thought we'd join in. We haven't set up an ad yet, Mrs C hasn't decided which pictures she wants to put up, Honestly these girlies no matter how many times you tell them they look great.....
Nat and Fraser

Hi Nat and Fraser, and welcome from the few of us over the boarder in Derbyshire. :wave2:
Solution to the picture problem: Simply tell her she looks great in all of them, and post any three :idea:
Have fun, and I'm on 104397 if you need an impartial judge for the photos.
Keith wink

wink

27 Jun 2004

I've really enjoyed this, and it's done me a power of good.
You lot have even made this live-alone bloke WANT to do some cleaning, but I can't find a pinny. Still, not to worry. If I do it in the nude, I can always shower after, but that will meen dirtying the bath again. rolleyes

rolleyes

Mind you, as it's wakes week in my village, and I live in a ground floor massonette (flat) I might get to pull, but then again, arrested. :twisted:
Oh dilema. :doh:
Anyone from Swinging Heaven visiting the cathederal of the peaks today, to save me starting a pointless job? It only7 gets dusty again. sad

sad

Keith

wink

26 Jun 2004

Did anyone see the guy last night, advertising in the 'women seeking men' section, boasting of what he could do, and asking for names, addresses, and mobile numbers, for a once only visit, to satisfy their needs? mad

mad

Due to the agressive nature of the add it sent a cold shiver down my spine, and I reported it. I only hope women take note of the warnings on the home page, and treat this kind of advertiser with extreem caution? :small-print:
I realise I could be wrong, but the wording seemed to hold an almost threatening connotation, and I felt it better to be safe than sorry. Appologise if the guy was genuine sad

sad

Keith

26 Jun 2004

Quote by Keith3006

Spent the past week buried under cock pics! :shock:
:twisted: :twisted:

I suppose it's a getting muddy now the weather's changed, is'n it? biggrin

biggrin

How do I apply to become your baby mod? :rose: I can suckle as well as write :!: :!:
Keith
Sorry Misscheif,
didn't have my glasses. Thought it said buried under cockpit.
Now I realise you have the cream of all the jobs. :twisted:
Keith

26 Jun 2004

Quote by MISSCHIEF
Spent the past week buried under cock pics! :shock:
:twisted: :twisted:

I suppose it's a getting muddy now the weather's changed, is'n it? biggrin

biggrin

How do I apply to become your baby mod? :rose: I can suckle as well as write :!: :!:
Keith

25 Jun 2004

Quote by tallnhairy
On a serious note could we technically lock out mutliple advertiser, give people a number of slots, once they used their say 3 they cant put up more adds until they take one down? May encourage people not to waste them (although they could cheat with multiple accounts)

A good idea as far I can see, but it's up to the administrators, and whether it might cause even more work confused

confused

:
Unfortunately, it still won't eliminate the mindless who can't read, spell or understand which section they should place their adverts in, will it confused

confused

: For those, help is beyond reach of mortal men, because it's what happens when education standards drop.
Bring back disciplin and strict learning methods, I say :twisted:
Keith
Going now to keep my head down, whilst the bullets start flying.

24 Jun 2004

Well they won't run out of anything else, will they Daisy? wink

wink

Keith

24 Jun 2004

I hope you are not writing anything about us, writers and journalists have caused us the odd problem in the past. Anyway while youâ€™re spending so much of your time searching through and reporting all those adds you wonâ€™t be doing much writing eh wink

wink

.
Enjoy the site.
JudyTV
I wouldn't think of such a thing. Besides, I have as much material as I could wish for from my own background, without ever contemplating being indiscreet. cool

cool

Keith

24 Jun 2004

Quote by Mister_Discreet
i've reported quite a few too...
I think the problem might be due to another (popular and mostly non-sexual) website that has the exact opposite system to this one.
On that site, if you are a man seeking a woman, your wite your ad under 'women seeking men', because what you want is a woman who is seeking a man.

Obviously those advertisers can't be trusted to think laterally. And why, may I ask, were you on there confused

confused

:
Keith

24 Jun 2004

I wonder how many of these wrong section advertisers are genuine? My guess is, most of them are visitors, who advertise on the spur of the moment, and would run the proverbrial mile if cornered into doing more than mail/pic exchange. rolleyes

rolleyes

It would be interesting to know if anyone has met someone from a wrong section advert confused

confused

: And whether it was a sucsessful meet confused

confused

:
Any bookmakers on site who will give better than 10/1 against confused

confused

:

confused

:
Keith

23 Jun 2004

I suppose this may get me into hot water, but having reported around fifty adds in the past couple of weeks for being in the wrong section, I have made an observation that has surprised me.
At first I assumed it was simply that people were miss-understanding the meanings ,of the headings, ie, women looking for men, meant women were looking at the site, for men. etc.
Then I guessed that, as most of the mistakes were by men, it was their excitment that clouded their judgment, lol

lol

or, and please don't take offence; redface

redface

Possibly it was a lack of educational standards, but as some of the advertisers were obviously professional people, that could not be the case in every instant. confused

confused

Therefore, I have not come up with any conclusive results, but I have noticed nearly all the advertisers have one thing in common. :idea:
They all seem to have e-mail addresses @ :shock: Perhaps this may be a pointer to something, but exactly what I'm not sure, yet rolleyes

rolleyes

Perhaps other memebers would care to share their thoughts on this strange phenomenon confused

confused

: It may also be of interest our moderators? wink

wink

cheers,
Keith
Apology's to those @ who advertise correctly :giveup:

23 Jun 2004

I'm sure your birthday will go with a swing!! Sue, and hope you won't mind me bringing my Roman Candle to your festivities, as it would be my pleasure to add an extra whizz & bang to your fun. :idea: surprised

surprised

lol

Love to you both,
Keith.

20 Jun 2004

Why Neil, the only thing you seem to think about is booze, and how little you have to pay for it. A Yorkshire trait, me's thinks? rolleyes

rolleyes

Anyone passing alone the A6 on 21st, please stop nad give a lift to the smart looking guy with valise, thumbing a lift !! lol

lol

C u there.
Keith

19 Jun 2004

I'd deem it an honour to attend, and I'll even clean my shoes, if you would place my name on the list? smile

smile

Keith3006

19 Jun 2004

Hi Hanna & Alex,
About halfway is Barnsdale Lodge on the A606 just outside Empingham, overlooking Rutland Water. Not a cheep place, but fab scenery, good food, friendly atmosphere. Barnsdale Gardens close by. Walks by the reservoir. Good beer, and secluded corners.
A little closer to you is the Travelinn , at j25, M1. Take the A52 from Derby, towards Nottingham and foolow signs as if to join motorway. At island take 3rd exit (Long Eaton), Novotel on left, Travel Inn on right, also pub next door.
Not much scenery I'm afraid (but who'll be looking?), but if you book 6 days in advance, rooms on Â£25.
If you don't fancy either of these, let me know roughly the area you'd like to meet, and I'll see what my brain can dragout from my years of traveling around the country.
Keith. You can contact me diret if it helps. :therethere:
PS. If you fancy meeting a single chap, I only live across your county, in the Peak District. lol

lol

18 Jun 2004

. . . . . .coming from the premier city in god's own count(r)y, t'is good to hear that thus spake god to his angels! and my opinion of soft southern types is endorsed by holy scripture! :P ;-)
And he placed one overlooking Tyneside, to make sure they didn't emigrate, except to the sea. lol

lol

lol

One managed to get down south, and called in a chipshop to buy pie and chips (No Gravy). "Cana aye a fork please?" he asked as politely as he could. And the woman behind the counter completely miss-understood.
"For an O2 card you can," she replied, asking him through to the back room.
And he went, 'cause he had a pocketful of Flemmings finnest!
Old, but just about works still. wink

wink

Keith

17 Jun 2004

hey... that is an idea.... i think should embrace the devide....have a checkpoint berlin style..
on the southern side they can call in checkpoint "tarquin" and the northern side they can call it checkpoint "kevin"
sean xxxxxxx
good on yer Sean, but North deff starts at the gravy line, unless they serve it in Beds?
And why checkpoint Kevin? That doesn't sound manly enough for T'North. How about checkpoint Fred, or Sid?
Your Northern Mate
Keith biggrin

biggrin

17 Jun 2004

Ok. Left myself open for that one, but who the hell's Kelly Brook? is she the one for O2 vouchers, or are you saying she carried the syphalis down from Scotland?
I always thought it came from Spain, was given to Henry viii, a Londoner, and being the guy he was, that's how it got out and contaminated the rest of the country, up to the gravy line. Isn't that also why they have battered sausages down there, as an old fashioned cure for clapp? If true, you lot down there do have some strange painful ways.
Come on you Northerners, back me up. We can't let these posh monied dudes get the better of us. :twisted:
PS. Most of the England team are Northerners, and they aint done bad today! biggrin

biggrin

Keith

smile

17 Jun 2004

And I thought it was, "I am the explore." Replied the Scotman to the Londoner. "You know, the friend of Mac Adam, who paved your streets with black gold, and Flemming who cures mens ills when they give O2 vouchers to that woman on Swingers Heaven?"
See, everything good comes from the North.
Match that!! lol

lol

lol

Keith

17 Jun 2004

What do you expect from a country (i use the term loosely) where Ken Livingstone translates as " do you understand the explorer?"
Tch
I know you think we're thick up North, but even I can tell there's too many letters for "do you understand the explorer?" to be an anagram!! confused

confused

Keith

17 Jun 2004

There you have it. RSAB2 has found the exact cut-off line. It's where they stop serving gravy with pie and chips.
You can't get it in Leicester, but there's plenty in Notts and Derbys and everywhere North of there.
Then there's black-pudding, but that's contentious, and leave the way open for the Scotts to go on about haggis another nasty things?
No, gravy's got to be the dividing line, unless someone knows better?
Keith rolleyes

rolleyes

17 Jun 2004

Quote by warwick
North definately starts at Watford gap....
Warwick located 600 yards north of Watford gap

I've just been in touch with the AA for a difinitive answer to wher the North starts and they say that it starts from page 23 of their latest road map of the British Isles, but the rest of it I couldn't catch because I think they were as pissed as you sound.
Perhaps I got the number confused with Alchohlics Anonymous, but anyway that's what they said, and who am I to argue? I'm only a chauffuer and novelist. banghead

banghead

Keith