The Chrismas song
Hey Santa claus you cunt!
Where's me fucking bike?
I've unwrapped all this other junk and there's nothing that I like.
I wrote you a fucking letter and I come to see you twice
Ya worn out geriatric fart, you forgot me fucking bike.
If I wanted a pair of bloody thongs, I'd have bloody asked.
And this cowboy suit and ping pong set you can shove right up your arse!
You've stuffed me bloody order up
It's enough to make you spew
And I'm not the only one who's snakey
Me sisters dirty too!
(female voice)
Hey santa clause you cunt!
Where's me fucking pram?
You promised me you'd bring me one, you remember who I am.
'Cause I'm the little girl who you made sit right on your knee
I'll give you fucking ho ho ho
You forgot me fucking pram
(male voice)
Next time I come to see ya, I'm gonna punch you in the guts
And I'll let your fucking reihndeer go and kick Rudolf in the nuts!
You just wait 'till next year, when you go to that store
And me and me little sister, come stomping through the door
And we'll say, yeah you wait for it
Hey mums and dads you smell his breath and check his bloodshot eyes
And don't listen to him boys and girls 'cause he tells fucking lies
He's just a piss tank and a pervert, and he's not even very bright
'Cause the old fucking wanker Forgot me fucking bike.
You wait you old cunt, I'm gonna dob you in
Tell me old man on you, he's gonna punch your fucking lights out
"I saw mummy sucking santa clause"

The Builder
School holidays were draggin' on
He was gettin' really bored
And his Mum had started poppin' pills
She was climbin' up the walls
So when he asked her could he go across
The buildin' site and play
She just popped another pill 'n' just said
"Don't get in the way"
So he chucked his little toolbox
In his billycart 'n' left
While his Mum knocked up a cuppa
Laced with valium and Bex
She needed all the help she could
To cope with holidays
But the pills and powders weren't enough
When he got home from play ... 'n' said ...
Chorus
I wanna be a fuckin' builder when I grow up ... eh, Mum
And build fuckin' houses everywhere, millions of the cunts
A bricky or a chippy, eh Mum, I don't give a fuck
I just wanna be a fuckin' builder when I grow up
Verse
It seemed the sawn-off shit
Had listened to the builders while they worked
And he'd remembered everything --
Word for fuckin' word!
And his shell-shocked Mum just sat there
As he went on to explain
How "some wanker lost the fuckin' plans
Then found the cunts again!"
And how "some dickhead missed the fuckin' nail
And hit his fuckin' thumb!"
And how "they shaved a mickey whisker
Off the door to close the cunt!"
And his voice was so excited
Best fun he'd ever had!
"And can I go back tomorrow, Mum?
Can't wait till I tell Dad, how ...
Chorus
I wanna be a fuckin' builder when I grow up
And build fuckin' houses everywhere, millions of the cunts
A bricky or a chippy, really, I don't give a fuck
I just wanna be a fuckin' builder when I grow up
Verse
His Mum was scoffin' scotch and serepax
And propped against the fridge
And when his Dad got home she dribbled
"Tell your father what you said"
So the young bloke give his Dad a serve
The air was turnin' blue
"Fuck the weather, fuck the foreman
'N' fuck the unions, too!"
His old man turned fuckin' purple
'N' his whole body started to twitch
Until finally he exploded
"Go and get a switch!"
But the young bloke shook his head
'N' said, "No way, mate, I've knocked off
Anyway, you c'n go 'n' get rooted
Cause that's a fuckin' electrician's job!"
Chorus
Cause I wanna be a fuckin' builder when I grow up
And build fuckin' houses everywhere, millions of the cunts
A bricky or a chippy, not a sparky, go get fucked
I just wanna be a fuckin' builder when I grow up
Yeah, I wanna be a fuckin' builder when I grow up
And build fuckin' houses everywhere, millions of the cunts
A bricky or a chippy, you cranky bastard, go get fucked
I just wanna be a fuckin' builder when I grow up
Yeah, I wanna be a fuckin' builder when I grow up
And build fuckin' houses everywhere, millions of the cunts
A bricky or a chippy, you're not me foreman, go get fucked
I just wanna be a fuckin' builder when I grow up

Kevs Lament
Verse 1
I remember back on our very first date
In the back seat of me car
I wanted you to go all the way
But you wouldn't go that far
I wanted you to hold me dick
You wanted to hold me hand
And when I accidentally brushed your tit
I just blew it and come in me pants
Chorus
And it was over ...
Before it began
Verse 2
I'll never forget the strain and the sweat
As I fumbled with your gear
A hundred degrees with the windows wound up
So your Mum and Dad couldn't hear
Tryin' me best to unzip your dress
And unhook your bra with one hand
And just when I thought I was doin' all right
I come in me pants again
Chorus
And it was over ...
Before it began
Verse 3
Blouses and buttons and bras and buckles
And 'Stop it, I'm gettin' cold'
First time I've had a tit in me mouth
Since I was nine months old
I had lovers' balls and you had no idea
Of the pitch of me passion and pain
Tryin' to stay cool with me knackers on fire
I come in me pants again ... oh, shit ... and again
Verse 4
You wouldn't give and I wouldn't go
And we couldn't seem to agree
You got the giggles and I got the shits
Then you wouldn't talk to me
And when we made up and we started again
Your Dad banged on the roof and he yelled:
'What are you two kids up to in there?'
And I shit in me pants as well
Chorus
And it was over ...
Before it began
Verse 5
You hear people say that they'd love to go back
And do things that they did in the past
But if you reckon they were the real good old days
You can go stick 'em right up your arse!
'Cause when I look back how I came and I went
With a tear in me eye I recall
How me, I had a cunt of a night,
But me undies had a ball
Chorus
And it was over ...
Before it began

Kev's Courtin' Song
Verse 1
Blown too much of me time buying dinner and wine
And me money on flowers and lollies
Only to find that what's on me mind
Isn't on hers and she's sorry
So I've made up some lines that save wastin' time
And keep me from blowin' me brass
I'm ever so cool I just prop on the stool
Right next to hers and I ask:
Chorus
'Do you fuck on first dates?
Does your dad own a brewery?
Could I feel your tits?
Or would you show 'em to me?
Cause you've you've got a nice head
And you look pretty honest
So me face'll be leavin' in a quarter of an hour--
I'd like you to be on it'
Verse 2
You know how it feels when you first meet a sheila
And the bullshit you've gotta go through
Like callin' her up and tellin' her you love her
When all that you'd love is just to screw
But she wants to hold hands and you to meet her old man
And sit around for hours and talk
But me new method is, you just cut through the shit
And get down to the goodies straight off:
Chorus
'Do you fuck on first dates?
Does your dad own a brewery?
Could I feel your tits?
Or would you show 'em to me?
Do you sleep in the nick?
Do you give head very often?
If we can decide, your place or mine
We can fuck off then'
Verse 3
So the next time you see a good-lookin' sheila
And you'd give a week's pay just to hold her
Don't sit acting dumb, just front her full-on
And drop a few lines like I told you
This new method of mine might not work every time
But then again no method will
I've been spat at and slapped, and kneed in the knackers
But then I've got a few fucks as well
Chorus
'Do you fuck on first dates?
Does your dad own a brewery?
Could I feel your tits?
Or would you show 'em to me?
If the answer is 'No'
To me questions above --
Then be a good sport and give me the name
Of a girlfriend who does!'

Ho Ho Fucking Ho
(Chorus)
Ho Ho Fucking Ho
What a croc of shit,
We all work for Santa Claus
We've had enough, we quit,
'Cause we do all the fuckin' work
While he stars in the show,
Stick ya Christmas up ya arse,
Ho Ho Fucking Ho
I'm Rudolf & I quit
Just whos he think he is,
That little fat cunt said back in the sleigh,
Crackin' that fuckin' whip,
And me stuck up the front,
Of these other useless cunts,
Stick ya Christmas up ya arse,
Ho Ho Fucking Ho
Ho Ho Fucking Ho
What a croc of shit,
We all work for Santa Claus
We've had enough, we quit,
'Cause we do all the fuckin' work
While he stars in the show
Stick ya Christmas up ya arse,
Ho Ho Fucking Ho
And what about us elves,
We've had enough as well
Workin' in that feezin' factory
Cold as fuckin' hell,
Workin' til we drop
With our bollocks freezin' off,
Stick ya Christmas up ya arse,
Ho Ho Fucking Ho
Ho Ho Fucking Ho
What a croc of shit,
We all work for Santa Claus
We've had enough, we quit,
'Cause we do all the fuckin' work
While he stars in the show
Stick ya Christmas up ya arse,
Ho Ho Fucking Ho
I'm Santa Claus's wife,
I know what he's really like,
Sneakin' into them little kids rooms
He's a fuckin' pediphile,
A devious old drunk,
And I'm married to the cunt,
So stick ya Christmas up ya arse,
Ho Ho fucking ho
Ho Ho Fucking Ho
What a croc of shit,
We all work for Santa Claus
We've had enough, we quit,
'Cause we do all the fuckin' work
While he stars in the show
Stick ya Christmas up ya arse,
Ho Ho Fucking Ho
Stick ya Christmas up ya arse,
Ho Ho Fucking Ho
Stick ya Christmas up ya arse,
Ho - Ho - Fucking - Ho

Quote by JudyTV
If your eggs are broken when you get them home from Tesco either you broke them yourself or you take it up with customer services and make your point sensibly. You do NOT stand on a shopping trolly and shout it out to everyone in the store in the middle of the bread section or the deli.
Judy TV

Quote by Patrick Stonehouse
Very sorry to have opened a hornets nest, also sorry to have offended anyone with my original comments, I think what I was trying to say was possible lost as I was trying to be too succinct.
For me, the most stimulating part of a woman is her mind and I knew as soon as I'd met the young lady in question that there was not going to be that stimulation. Perhaps, straight away, as soon as I knew, I should have tried to let her down gently but as she seemed to need some sort of affirmation that she was attractive, I didn't feel that I could.
Hard to say which of my actions are the worst, not being honest at the time or putting it out in a public forum. On reflection, neither seems like a wise choice.
Looking through all the comments, I would like to add that I am looking for more than just sex, I am looking for friendship with someone who like me is looking to be a little bit different from the person that everyone seems to think I am.
Patrick

Quote by Reese
Excellent article! Thanks for sharing that one, Venus! :thumbup:
I would, however, like to make one humble request of the good women of this forum, based upon the following excerpt...
Male Bisexuality, Revisited
Dixon noted that ``from the tone and content of the subjects' comments the vast majority of them made it clear that they would not have begun ... sexual activity had not their respective spouses suggested it, encouraged them to do so, and convinced them in various ways that they (the spouses) approved of it.'' This leads me to wonder whether we would start seeing a rapid increase in male-male sex (and eventually male bisexual self-identity) at swing events if female swingers began openly expressing their sexual desire and social approval for men who engaged in sexual activity with other men at swing events. Since watching men have sex together is a commonly-reported fantasy among women, this scenario may not be so farfetched.

Quote by roger743
It's a very lovely face, and in honesty one I think I've seen somewhere before. I've been wracking my brains to try to remember where... I've an inkling it might've been on an ad on adultfriendfinder... but I wouldn't have been looking at the ads for people in Somerset, so it probably wasn't your ad anyway.

Quote by Reese
Perhaps I have an overly-conservative view when it comes to sex, but I feel the same about it as I would emotional or spiritual intimacy. When someone offers any sort of intimacy to you, they're offering a part of themselves. It's your responsibility to treat it, and them, with the consideration that such an amazing and personal gift truly deserves - whether you choose to accept their gift or not...
...and, in doing so, you get to prove that you possess a modicum of self-respect as well!
~Reese!

Quote by TheFacilitator
After seeing the thread about secrets in a relationship, I wondered if people choose to tell their everyday friends that they swing.
We don't, not because we are ashamed that we are doing something wrong, but because we don't think that they will understand something that is considered against the normal moral constraints.

Quote by JudyTV
That's probablty what I'm looking for, problem is, as she's a size 18 I want to ensure that she doesn't think its because its her size (when in fact its becasue she's dull and stupid) I would gladly have shagged her if she'd been a bit more mentally stimulating

Swinging is primarily a social activity, and the ordinary social customs of being courteous, initiating conversation, getting to know people, and letting trusted acquaintances become friends are no different from any other walk of life. Put another way, it's your ability to form friendships with couples, as a couple, that will ultimately determine the quality of your experience in the swing community.

``About 85 percent of both husbands and wives feel that swinging is not a threat to marriage or love between spouses. None of them reported that their marriage became worse since they began swinging, and the majority feel their marriages have improved. ... Many swingers reported that rather than dampening their ardor for each other, swinging often caused an arousal of sexual interest for each other. Many of them often engage in sex together immediately after returning from a swinging party.''